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DX Wombat
28th Nov 2004, 15:08
There is a fair amount of journo-bashing on PPRuNe so I thought it might be interesting to see what others can make of this episode at LHR (http://groups.msn.com/LatinFlyersAirportBar/oddments.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=1402) :E I took it recently - I'm NOT going to tell you exactly when as that could give some of you a clue to the truth. So, based on what you can see in the photo, let's hear the stories.;) :E

Standard Noise
28th Nov 2004, 15:15
Was the brave little bus distracting the nasty fire crews while the green plane with the suspicious looking red spot sneaked past to infect the other planes?:suspect:

Captain Airclues
28th Nov 2004, 15:19
A fuel spill which has been declared safe, allowing the passengers to board, but the fire services have yet to obtain clearance to return to base?

Airclues

Krystal n chips
28th Nov 2004, 16:55
What version would you like ? A quick touch up with an airbrush and a dash of photo-shop---and Bingo ! Flames on wing---"Terrified pax ran for their lives as flames engulfed "etc:yuk:

Or "Heroic fire crews called to false alarm as out of control jet full of screaming passengers heads for Terminal"---

No matter, no journo is ever going to report factually on any incident---as has been proved time and again.

frimm
28th Nov 2004, 16:58
Sorry it was my fault, I happened to mention to the nice man in uniform that I had a collection of "hot" DVD's and magazines in my suitcase :oh: :}

Ascend Charlie
28th Nov 2004, 17:45
Fire crews today were alerted to a suspicious-looking marker cone at Heathrow airport. It had been reported to be talking in a foreign accent.

Trucks soon surrounded the cone, and after dousing it and the surrounding tarmac with water (narrowly missing the passengers boarding a plane) the Fire Chief moved in to inspect it.

The cone was found to be the Selection Hat from the Harry Potter series, and was declared to be safe, if a little soggy.

Jerricho
28th Nov 2004, 18:39
Near Miss at Heathrow

Heathrow Airport.

Several fire trucks came within metres of colliding with startled passengers at Heathrow Airport today. The drivers of the trucks, who were not in communication with Ground Controllers for several seconds were responding to a priority call to suspected fire in a rubbish bin when the tragedy nearly occurred.

While nobody was physically hurt, many passengers were treated on the scene for mental anguish and shock. One passenger, Mr O. Clumsy visiting London from the United States described the incident as "truely terrifying"

"While we were walking across the runway to board the plane, a load wailing noise could be heard and suddenly the trucks appeared from all directionsand were heading right for us. They were going extremly fast, and I wasn't sure they were going to stop".

Fire officials and an Airport spokesmen were quick to play down the indcident, but local HACAN president John Stewart was outraged.

"Is it not enough the we have noise pollution from all the aircraft movements, now local residents must put up with sirens from fire trucks".

Flypuppy
28th Nov 2004, 19:26
JET TERROR AT AIRPORT

Passengers onboard a British Flyways Airbus 737 were just seconds away from a terrifying death yesterday. The 4 engined subsonic plane had just taken off from London’s Heathrow airport when WARNING bells started sounding in the divers cab of the Boeing 321.

The pilot and the co-pilot WRESTLED with the controls while skillfully managing to avoid a school for HANDICAPPED CHILDREN and an orphanage while only seconds from a dramatic death plunge that would have KILLED ALL ONBOARD, if it had occurred.

GOING TO DIE

Passengers were visibly shaken when the jet fighter landed after the mid air drama. The pilot brought the stricken airliner back to Heathrow after making a DRAMATIC EMERGENCY MAYDAY like call to the control tower.

PASSENGERS TERRIFIED

Passengers were kept in the dark all through the airborne emergency that could so easily have turned to tragedy. Mr Bobby Shellsuit from Liverpool was on board the terror jet “Dee terld us nowt, But ay wuz in de navy so ay kept calm and terld everyone around me, oo might 'uv panicked ter calm done, like. “

Another passenger on the flight of death was Lady Annabella Stuckupbytch. When told of the near tragedy, she told reporters “When one travels first class one doesn’t expect this sort of service. You just can’t get good staff these days you know. I blame that frightful Tony Blair.

DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

Had this incident ended tragically it would have brought back horrifying memories of other tragedies like Pan Am 103 which killed hundreds of people in the air and on the ground.

HACAN spokesperson Brian Whinge said “This incident just goes to show the evil and danger people who live under the airport flightpath have to live with day in day out. It is only a matter of time before there is a 9/11 type of accident in Hounslow. I should know I have worked at Heathrow for 20 years”

A British Flyways spokeswoman Jilly Shagworthy (28) said that the plane had a temperature warning on one of the brakes after take off and returned as a precaution. As is normal in these situations the fire service was called to ensure passenger safety at all times.

PRETTY blonde Jilly then went on to describe various technical things, and that the plane left after a 1 hour delay when passengers were looked after at the 5 star Ritz Carlton.

Boris Johnson was not available for comment.

visibility3miles
29th Nov 2004, 04:45
Firefighters hose down rioters to break up a melee that resulted when passengers learned they would face five hour delays, forcing them to miss the latest PPRuNe ANNUAL SUPER XMAS GatBash.

"The PPRuNers literally had control of this place, the inner compound," Justin Other Number, a spectator on the spotters corner, said in an interview. He said he ran to the window of the terminal when he heard the commotion.

"It was so loud I thought it was Jet Blast. That's what surprised me the most," he explained.

Quick action by the fire department, along with local constables, was able to subdue the crowd and herd them on the airplane.

"They've already had a bash if you ask me," Plod remarked, "I hope that Danny can deal with the lot of them."

ontrackfor
29th Nov 2004, 05:08
X-ray specs, the latest tool in terrorist-detection have been issued to airport workers in an attempt to detect bombers before they board the aircrafts.
Metal detecting arcs and wands cannot detect many types of explosives and luggage is rarely scanned on the x-ray machine. This means terrorists can conceal explosives on their body and board undetected.
Glasses with the special lenses, developed by Paranoia Associates filter out clothing rays essentially rendering the subject(s) stark naked. X-ray specs have been issued to around 90% of airport workers.
Airport officials would not explain why so many pairs were needed citing security issues.

Buster Hyman
29th Nov 2004, 09:12
Tight security at Heathrow ensured the reluctant Barmy Army actually departed England on their whirlwind Ashes tour. Declining sales at cricket matches this past summer has meant that the MCC needed to take drastic steps to ensure that there were some supporters for the English team.
A "supporter" who wished to remain anonymous was quoted as saying;"Ah gez were all forrit now. A kin tak a likkin but not bach there." We declined further questions as he made no sense anyway.
Your reporter tried to obtain a statement from the English team, but they had already been forced aboard earlier.

tall and tasty
29th Nov 2004, 09:26
TODAYS BREAKING STORY:


Chippendales arrive in full glory to celebrate the number ones 21st Birthday in full Firemen’s dress.

Passengers blissfully unaware of the party that is unravelling on board in first class as they board the plane

Fire trucks reassure passengers as they see smoke coming from the forward galley unaware that it comes from the 21 candles ablaze on the cake!

WoodenSpoon
29th Nov 2004, 11:43
Spilt Talcum Powder causes Heathrow Evacuation

Spilt Talcum Powder that was leaking from an unmarked suitcase today sparked a major security threat at a major international airport.
It was discovered that a trail of 'suspicious-looking' white powder was seen to be falling from a suitcase which was loaded onto a baggage trolley.
The powder was immediately thought to be the deadly nerve agent, 'ant-tracks' and the area was immediately evacuated.
Fire crews, dressed in protective clothing, quickly rushed to the scene and commenced operations to contain the suspicious matter.
Meanwhile, the trail was discovered to lead all the way back through to the check-in desks and as a result, the terminal was also evacuated.
After a delay of about 12 hours, the area was declared 'safe' and passengers were allowed back into the terminal. It was discovered that an industrial sized container of talcum powder had split inside the suitcase, causing the alert.
Airport operations were severely hampered and there is talk of a mass compensation claim against the owners of the airport, as disgruntled passengers, many of whom did not have travel insurance, plan a class action in the courts.
Airport officials are considering a cross-claim against the talc manufacturer, for using sub-standard packaging products, which they claim are the cause of the split and deny emphatically that the luggage-mashing machines that seem to be installed at all airports are to blame.
The owner of the suitcase has yet to be located.

Konkordski
29th Nov 2004, 12:10
No journo is ever going to report factually on any incident---as has been proved time and again


With that kind of uninformed, generalised claptrap shouldn't you be signing up to work for a tabloid?

yintsinmerite
29th Nov 2004, 12:17
Passengers looked on in horror as the latest US stealth aircraft limped in flames, into Heathrow, narrowly missing a childrens nursery before parking beside a British Airways aircraft. Mr Norman Normal told the Daily Mail that he was terrified as the aircraft made its approach over number 43 Acacia Avenue Houslow.
" I looked up and all that I could see was flames. I was convinced that my Jack Russell was going to die".

This is the 17th serious safety related incident at Heathrow this week with events ranging from Mrs Locksly-Forge breaking a fingernail while a 737 owned by some damned foreign johnnie's attempted a potentially dangerous landing in a cross wind. In another incident a Airbus 747 suffered a toilet blockage shortly after take off which resulted in the aircraft being forced to orbit Richmond dumping toilet waste until it was light enough to land.

gingernut
29th Nov 2004, 13:22
Fire chiefs test out new "fire engine silver laser beam" fire extinguishing system, whilst man in yellow coat distracts passengers with invisible hose trick.

bear11
29th Nov 2004, 15:49
"BA staff, passengers and fire service form a guard of honour to welcome the touchdown of their new Managing Director....."

criticalmass
30th Nov 2004, 04:56
A record number of fire appliances turned out yesterday at Heathrow airport to hose down a suspicious-looking airside bus which had reported an abnormal brake temperature indication on the ground control frequency as it approached the terminal building from a nearby vehicle access route.

Fire service spokesman Ray Incendiary said "on being notified of the emergency, we turned to with all our appliances to ensure we didn't have a repeat of the Windscale Disaster where a school bus burst a tyre, nearly terrifying several children and traumatising a nearby dog. We were fortunate enough to douse the bus before any fire broke out in the area of the brakes and undercarriage. I'd say everybody had a lucky escape. It was quite a close-run thing, actually."

Passengers evacuated the bus as soon as it came to a stop, narrowly missing a line of orange witches-hats, and were shepherded to their waiting aircraft by waiting BA staff using cattle-prods and rubber bullets. Some experienced airport observers reported senior BA personnel secretly fingering tear-gas grenades in their pockets.

Airport Services spokesperson Fiona Hardfacedbitch commented " there was little warning and less danger and it's a classic media beat-up" whilst a lawyer for the bus passengers was seen handiing out business-cards and saying the words "class action" repeatedly.

The bus was kept dampened down for a further 12 hours before the Police forensic and dog squads moved in to check for tampering with the brakes and tyres. The driver, a man of Middle Eastern appearance, was tonight reported to be assisting Police and airport security staff with their enquiries. His injuries were reported a not being life-threatening - yet.

Police are also anxious to interview a passenger seen leaving the bus three weeks ago who appeared to be walking in a furtive manner and carrying a large suitcase of a suspicious nature, whom they believe may be able to assist them with their enquiries.

Water Authority media liaison person Jeremy Brook-Running stated the water had been safely disposed of in an environmentally-conscious manner and said that a bill for excess water use would be sent to the airport management soon.

In a completely unrelated media release, Heathrow Airport management announced a new "water levy" to cover the cost of water use for firefighting appliances at the airport. An announcement about new safety standards for bus brake temperature sensors and monitoring equipment is expected immimently.

British Airways declined to comment, saying it was not their policy to make public statements about safety issues at airports in case it deterred the travelling public.

The pilot of the aircraft was unavailable for comment.

PorcoRosso
30th Nov 2004, 14:34
I love the Flypuppy report !
Look so real ;)

allan907
30th Nov 2004, 14:42
Pert Miss Toodyay (Alison Godown - 19) is seen here boarding her British Airways Boeing airbus back to Australia after the shameful exposure of her affair with Lord Lotsadough the British Government Minister for Artificial Limbs.

Flushed from their secret love nest in exotic Hainault by our intrepid reporter Lord Lotsadough said, “Alison was merely helping to get my leg over”.

After posing for pictures (which can be viewed on this newspaper’s web site for only £10 – subscribers only) Alison, a pert 19, said that Lord Lotsadough had only asked her to examine some high technology artificial limbs but the batteries had run out half way through.

Alison fled the scene back to her home in Australia.

A BAA spokesman later said that the attendance of the fire crews and the subsequent explosion which killed 547 people and destroyed 5 aircraft and most of terminal 3 was “merely a routine exercise”. If you are unable to access the internet framed copies of Alison’s photographs can be obtained by enclosing £10 to …….

DX Wombat
1st Dec 2004, 09:21
Excellent so far! Keep the stories coming - please. :ok:

maxburner
1st Dec 2004, 09:48
I'm still concerned that Boris Johnston was unavailable for comment. Is this a first?

DX Wombat
1st Dec 2004, 10:00
I believe he is attending special classes in Public Relations being conducted by "Our Kid", aka The Scouse Mafia, at a secret location near Liverpool. :ooh: :E

eal401
1st Dec 2004, 12:34
Journo's thought process.

"Hmm, airport fire brigade turned out for a nothing incident again. Oh well, I can always tart it up into something more. I love getting those numbnuts at PPRuNe bleating"

<takes five minutes to write article then goes home.>

DX Wombat
20th Dec 2004, 22:40
Push Me Pull You has asked me to post this as his computer is currently out of action and may be so for some time.

"An unexpected problem has occurred with the introduction of the new Passenger Stealth Aircraft. The cones are needed due to the size of the captain's wallet and the inability of the cloaking device to cope with it. Also, the marker boards ahead of the Aer Lingus Aircraft are in fact a second stealth aircraft taxiing." :E :ok:

MReyn24050
21st Dec 2004, 06:50
Daily Wail.

Cracker Crazy!!

Today at Heathrow an emergency was called following a tip off that a passenger flying on a BUA Flight to Paris had been spotted purchasing a box of Christmas Crackers. It was suspected that these crackers were being taken aboard in the passengers hand baggage. To deal with this situation 4 Fire Engines were despatched to the Gate 38. Each passengers hand baggage was searched as they boarded the aircraft. The Christmas Crackers were dully confiscated and escorted by the Fire Crews to a remote site on the airfield and destroyed by an Army Bomb Disposal Squad.

Navajo8686
21st Dec 2004, 08:11
Blunkett, Babies, Jordan, Big Tits and a Visa at Heathrow

Today at Heathrow six fire tenders had to douse the ex-Home Secretary in freezing cold water as it was noticed that he was booked to sit next to a blond, capitalist, bourgeious pouting non-entity called Ima Slapper (aged 34). "We could not take chances" said the pilot Ivor Biggun, "We've heard all about his activities and being within 15' of a female is obviously very clear risk for him so we hosed him down to reduce the temperature"

David who was on his way to Jordan for a short break with his extended family (all 36 children, babies and their mothers) and was believed to be undertaking a ramble in the mountains to find evidence of the Little Big Tit which allegedly lives in the White House on a Hill.

Questions were also being asked in Parliament last night about why Mr. Blunkett had managed to obtain a Visa Card so quickly after his constituent Mr. Always Brokeandp!ssed said "I've been waiting 43 years for a Visha Card and...." before he fell off his chair.

Oh yes and a passenger also chucked the nub end of a fag onto the tarmac covered in avfuel but that's not the fault of the airline so I won't report anything else about that.

Navajo8686 who knows that newspaper and pictures never ever lie.....

:O