View Full Version : Captain James T Kirk boarding PA!

27th Nov 2004, 11:38

A former colleague of mine used to do an hilarious spoof PA that started " good morning Ladies and Gentlemen welcome onboard the Starship Enterprise.. My name is Captain James T Kirk!"

Does anyone know how it goes?!



27th Nov 2004, 12:23
Chances are some shifty journo sitting down the back will write it down verbatim and then sell the story on to the newspapers.

27th Nov 2004, 13:54
BUG, you don't happen to work for an orange airline do you?

27th Nov 2004, 15:02
Just wanted to inject some humour into a procedures CD I'm preparing for my fellow groundschool victims!

Lon More
27th Nov 2004, 17:21
Back in the 70s, Sothern (?) FAs did a brilliant Cabin Briefing which started off with, "Listen carefully as we will be asking questions," and ended with, "Remember no one loves you or your money more than Southern."

Noah Zark.
27th Nov 2004, 22:09
Which was (is?) the U.S. (internal, I think) airline who's F.A's and Flight Crews used to make announcements in the vein of "Would passengers please remain in their seats until we have skidded to a stop at the terminal?"
Apparently the crews were all highly professional, and the described incidents didn't actually happen, but the punters used to love the banter, until it was killed off in an early case of the dreaded P.C. :yuk:

27th Nov 2004, 23:20
Way back in late 99 or early 2000 I was onboard a Flight west F28 to sunny Mt Isa. (aka Townsville by the desert).
Any way. The FA did the full "there are 60 ways to leave your lover but there's only 6 exits" etc. Funny as.
I was giggling my head off and all the punters around were wondering what I was giggling at till they realised what was being said.
Needless to say, best safety brief given because every one LISTENED.
Result :ok:

28th Nov 2004, 18:51
What the hell were you doing in the Isa Reds?

Best thing about that place is seeing it in your rearview mirror as you're driving out. :E

28th Nov 2004, 18:56
Ooooh, I used to fly a Bandit there for a regional airline. Isa wasn't a bad overnight :E

28th Nov 2004, 19:17
That's cause it's dark and you can't see the place.

The Jerricho clan spent nearly 3 years there. Thanks Dad.:rolleyes:

28th Nov 2004, 19:34
Nah, I went to the pub :E Any way, I knew that I was returning to sunny Cairns the next day. Always made it better.
Had to visit Doomadgee, Burketown, Mornington Is, Karumba and Normanton before I got back to Cairns though... :D

28th Nov 2004, 23:46
Was on American Airlines out of Washington DC to LAX in the early 70's when the Chief Hostie (in those days!!) made the safety... referred to Captain Cliff Hanger and Flight Hostesses Linda Lovelace et al. Safety PA received full attention.

29th Nov 2004, 01:10
Still looking for the Star Trek one. How about this to be going on with...

On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"