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Astrodome
25th Nov 2004, 23:00
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

One day several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly, there is some jostling in the line, and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it!"

scran
26th Nov 2004, 02:26
:E :E :E

Case for private health insurance


Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.


Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system
to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns
to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her mouth and begins to give him a blow job.

The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand
job and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between Private Health
Insurance and Medicare."


:{

3rd Time (un)lucky

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful women who takes pity on him.
The first one asks,"Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and the woman leans over and gives him a big hug.
"Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second woman.
He shakes his head and she kisses him
Rather abruptly the third woman asks, "Have you ever been ****ed?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now. The tides coming in."

:p

Chief Two Eagles

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress and all his problems."
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


:O

Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

:uhoh:

Old Fighter Pilot

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Fighter Pilot!"
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is a retired Fighter Pilot. The Fighter Pilot suddenly unzips his pants, whips out a huge organ, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the retired Fighter Pilot is carried off on the shoulders of the envious crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees the same faded banner. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. The Fighter Pilot stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts in the same manner, as before. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Fighter Pilot, "but I have to know something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the Fighter Pilot, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!"

:hmm:

SawThe Light
26th Nov 2004, 02:41
IN CHARGE OF SUPPLIES.



An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava da broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa, ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel a shuvl. Ye left yon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

As he approaches the mound the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells.............................................

Jerricho
26th Nov 2004, 02:57
An Amish man and his son decide that they must experience the big city for the first time in their lives. They both pack their bags and head to New York for the experience.

Their first stop, the Empire State Building. They both enter the lobby, full of awe and surprise. They then notice the elevators, and begin to walk over. As the approach, a very large lady with unkept hair, bad skin and poorly dressed presses the elevator button, the doors open and she gets in, with the doors closing behind her.

The father and son stop and watch in amazement, having seen nothing like it before, as the numbers begin to count up, all the way to the 100, then back down again. The counter stops and the doors open, and out walks a big breasted, gorgeous blonde.

The father turns to his son and says "Quick...........race home and get your mother"

DishMan
26th Nov 2004, 10:11
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then
cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay
with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked:
"What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll
stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me
?" The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Parapunter
26th Nov 2004, 11:03
Old & Gold

One day a duck walks into a shop. He asks the waitress Got any duck food?, she says no we only serve ice cream and soda.

So the duck leaves. He returns the next day and asks the waitress again Got any duck food?

she says "no we only serve ice cream and soda." so the duck leaves. he comes back again and askes again got any duck food? the waitress says "no we only serve ice cream and soda and if you ask one more time I'll nail your frickin bill to the counter." so the duck leaves he comes in the next day and says to the waitress:

Got any nails and she says "no"


"Got any duck food?"

1DC
26th Nov 2004, 11:52
Chap walks into a pub with a biscuit tin under one arm and a duck under the other, he puts the biscuit tin on the bar stands the duck on it and the duck starts to dance. He suggests to the landlord that the show is worth a pint, he agrees and gives the chap a pint. Word gets around about the dancing duck and soon the pub is full, the landlord is doing good trade and keeps buying the duck owner a pint.Eventually the duck owner says he is going and the landlord realising that he will lose a lot of trade offers the duck owner 100 for the duck, he agrees and leaves. About midnight the original duckowners phone rings and it is the landlord asking how he stops the duck dancing.
"Just take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow the candle out", replies our man....



Alright I'm going, just didn't realise my memory went back 50 years.

DishMan
26th Nov 2004, 14:02
This has been on PPrune before I think...but it's still worth a read.



The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

AntiCrash
26th Nov 2004, 15:16
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors
down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder
by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his
shoulder again and she hands him another handful of
peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why
they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon
she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to
chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the
chocolate around them".............
:D

Jezebelle
26th Nov 2004, 18:27
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched
backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One
thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows
when to stop."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into
>>a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
>> > He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
>> > While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,
>> > kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>> >
>> > While he\'s in there, the husband tells his wife:
>> > listen, this guy\'s an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
>> > He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn\'t seen a
>> > woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don\'t resist, don\'t complain, do whatever he
tells
>>you.
>> > Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably
>>very
>> > dangerous. If he gets angry, he\'ll kill us.
>> > be strong, honey. I love you"
>> >
>> > To which the wife responds: "He wasn\'t kissing my neck. He was
>>whispering
>> > in my ear.
>> > He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had
any
>> > Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
>> > Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

airship
26th Nov 2004, 22:08
This has to be one of the funniest Friday joke threads I've read in a long time. Thanks very much...:)

shaggy
26th Nov 2004, 22:39
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are likepears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree"?
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only".

Walking through the woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree
>with
> >his ear firmly against it.
> >
> >He asks, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
> >"I\'m listening to the music of the tree." "You\'ve got to be kidding."
> >"No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?" "Well, okay ..."
> >
> >So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it.
> >
> >The other man immediately slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his
> >wallet, jewellery, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.
> >
> >Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man
> >hand cuffed to the tree naked and asked, "What the hell happened to
>you?"
> >He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was
> >regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy,
>circling
> >him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks
> >around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says, "This
>just
> >isn\'t your day, is it, Sugar?
>
>
***************************************

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend.
> It was After Eight.
> She was from Quality Street
> He was a Fishermans Friend
> On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
> He had a Rum and Butter.
> She had a Wine Gum.
> He asked her name. She said Polo, I\'m the one with the hole. (But
> I\'m the one with the Nuts he thought) Then he touched her Milky Way.
> They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
> turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic It wasn\'t long
> before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of
> her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
> But Ms Rowntree wasn\'t keen as she already had a few Jelly
> Babies, So she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
>
> He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging.
> It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight.
> When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted
> more but he decided to take a Time Out. However,
> he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a
> Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
> At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately Mr Cadbury
> had to go home to his wife Caramel.
> Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out
> Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.
> She really had been with All Sorts.



************************************

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can\'t sleep, the
>wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
>The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog\'s testicles and
>he will stop snoring.
>"Yeah right!" she says.
>A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
>wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
>to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
>around the dog\'s testicles.
>Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
>Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
>buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
>The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the
>closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her
>husband\'s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
>The woman sleeps soundly.
>Later that night, he awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the
>bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
>and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
>He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a
>red ribbon attached to his dog\'s testicles. He shakes his head and looks
>at the dog and says,
>"I don\'t know where we were Max, or what we did, but, by God, we got
>first and second place!"
>
>
>
>
>

Bob Upndown
27th Nov 2004, 04:58
A guy steps into an elevator and notices an attractive woman already in it.

Leaning over, he says 'Can I smell your p:mad:y?

'Of course not!' she screams at him.

'Oh', he says, 'it must be your feet then' :}:E

Cowbell
27th Nov 2004, 05:44
Are you a cowboy?
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

:rolleyes:


A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond
eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards
the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in
the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited
him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the
bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many
times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him
breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....

You just happened to catch my eye!"




:p

l0st
30th Nov 2004, 10:57
Little Susie:

Little Susie is getting pretty mature these day's and as a result she starts having her per!od, she is quite embarrased by all this and so doesn't want to ask her parents about it, she decides to talk to her bast mate Little Johnnie. "Little Johnnie Little Johnnie" she yells trying to find him and when she does she explains the problem "I'm confused" he says "I don't understand can't you just show me" a little flustered but wanting to find an answer Little Susie rips down her skirt and panties, Little Johnnie just stands there gaping at her "well" she says getting a little impatient "do you know what's wrong", "i'm no doctor" Little Johnnie says "but if i didn't know any better i'd say you just got your balls ripped off"

;)

DishMan
1st Dec 2004, 14:10
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. He has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro" says the chap.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toiret. I told you." says the Japanese man with frown appearing.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK-OK," says the Jap looking guilty, "I wheelie bin having w**k"

A10 Thundybox
1st Dec 2004, 23:31
it's Friday for me (well it will be next time I see daylight-they are letting me out soon rumour has it)

Bob loves huntin'
He gets in his big 4x4 for a duck huntin' weekend and finds some prime duck territory, he sets up with his gun and whistle makes the alarm call, the ducks go up and "Bang" one duck is caught perfectly and limply tumbles towards the ground, just the other side of on old wooden fence.

Bob goes to retrieve the duck and clambers over the fence

"Say, Boy, Where do ya' think your goin'?"

Bob looks round to see a gap toothed hillbilly lookng at him

" I have just shot that duck and I am retrieving it"

"well it may be it was your duck sonny, but its on my land now and that makes it my duck, now if you really want that duck you'll have to play by rawhide rules and fight me for it"

"Ok, but what are rawhide rules?"

"Well, see now, I kick you in the nuts repeatedly until you say "stop", then you get to kick me in the nuts till I say "stop" then the one who endures the most kicks wins the duck"

" Sounds odd but I really want that duck" says Bob "Ok go for it"

The Hillbilly dishes out 9 powerful kicks in Bob's crotch before the tortured hunter screams "Stop!!"

Bent double and breathless Bob gasps " right you hick, now it's my turn"

the hillbilly replies "Naa, keep the duck, I didn't want it anyway"

Boh'ban
2nd Dec 2004, 04:28
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came in from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?
Oh I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.

Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a
few minutes,her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!,"pointing at the bed,
"You'll wake your mother"