View Full Version : The things kids say

23rd Nov 2004, 12:27
At phnufflets school, one of the kids in class 1 was asked to talk about parties and in particular about his 6 year old sisters recent party.

His comments

"Ella gets More Barbies, Daddy drinks a beer and mummy drinks a bottle of wine"!

Exit stage right one very embarrassed looking mum!

Well, I liked it :ok:

DX Wombat
23rd Nov 2004, 12:47
Then there is the one from my niece: "My Auntie X does such and such and my Uncle Z lives in a prison. Uncle Z was WORKING for the Prison Authorities at the time. :O :D :D :D

23rd Nov 2004, 12:53
Mommy and her personal trainer excersize.

Then they get so tired they have to take a nap together.


23rd Nov 2004, 12:55
I liked the one I read in (I think) Reader's Digest of all places;

Various kids in a school class doing the 'What does Daddy/Mummy do?' routine. After the usual Fireman/Electrician/Bus Driver answers, one little girl has her turn. Mum is a Management Consultant who goes to a lot of presentations. Her answer?

"Mummy gets dressed up in nice clothes and goes to hotels to meet other men." ;)

itchy kitchin
23rd Nov 2004, 13:18
Teacher with a class of kids. She says to them: "Right, class. I want you all to think of a sentence that contains the word Contageous"
Little Polly says:"If you have measles, they're contageous so other kids can catch them"
"Excellent, " says the teacher.
Little Tarquin says:" You shouldn't go to school with a contageous disease 'cos the other kids might catch it."
"Fantastic," says the teacher.
Little Jonny, the disruptive pikey kid says: "Me mam worn't let me dad do de decoratin' cos she says it takes the... :E

23rd Nov 2004, 13:41
I put this somewhere else on JB I think.....

Friend is at her kids "open day" kids are up in front of everyone having little interviews with teacher.
Teacher gets around to bedtime baths etc somehow. Asks if little "jane" has a bath with her mummy.

"No" goes Jane. "But sometimes my daddy gets in the bath with my mummy!"
lots of Mums all looking around the room trying to catch the eye of Jane's mum who has probably slunk down to the floor! :ok:

23rd Nov 2004, 16:26
When I was 5, my mother picked me up from school, and it being Scotland, it was raining, of course. She says, conversationally, "hasn't it been wet today" to which I respond "Yes, James says its been f#*king p*ssing"....

My linguistic skills have gone from strength to strength ever since :p

23rd Nov 2004, 17:51
Many, many years ago when my wife and I got engaged, I took my new fiance to my sisters for the weekend to introduce her. We arrived late on friday afternoon for tea, which was a bit higher than usual with everyone on best behaviour, my nephew,aged 7, was late home from school and sister eventually decided to start tea without him. Shortly afterwards he raced into the house apologised for being late, washed his hands, and rushed to sit at the table, sat down and said "Mummy, what are bo++ocks?"
Personally I thought it was a pretty good icebreaker, can't remember what my sister replied....

23rd Nov 2004, 18:09
A workmate called Andrea was telling me a story about when she was 8 years old and was begging Daddy for a fiver. Daddy was refusing the request and having none of it so Andrea pipes up with:

"Dad, you've got no bollix!". :D

She got a slap for that but if my kid said that to me I'm pretty sure I'd struggle to not laugh my socks off whilst pretending to be extremely angry!

Maybe time will tell? :bored:


23rd Nov 2004, 21:45
This actually happened,

Mother in bank who had a stroppy kid in tow:

" If you don't behave, I'll tell daddy what a naughty girl you've been! "

Little girl: " and if you tell daddy , I'll tell my teacher I saw you sucking daddy's pee pee!"

Oh shit!!

Atlas Shrugged
23rd Nov 2004, 22:03
Little boy comes home from school.

"Mummy, Mummy, school’s great I learned a new word today".
"Did you son, what does it start with" she replies.
"Starts with an “F” Mummy".

Oh, great she thought.

"What does it end with?" she asks
"Ends with a “T”, Mummy"

That’s not so bad, she thinks then asks,

"OK son, what’s the word?"

Son says F :mad: IT !

Oggin Aviator
23rd Nov 2004, 22:14
Dad and little Johnny walking through the park one day when they spot an inverted ant waving its legs randomly. "Daddy - whats going on?" says Johnny.
"The ant is about to die and he is waving to God to take him up to heaven" replies the quick thinking dad.
"Oh" says little Johnny and they continue their walk.

Couple of days later Dad gets back from work to be greeted by little Johnny. "Dad, dad, mummy nearly died today!"
Concerned, dad says "Johnny what do you mean?"
"Well, mummy was lying on the bed with no clothes on, waving her legs all about and shouting 'Oh God, I'm coming'"

... "and if it wasnt for the milkman holding her down, she'd have gone as well!"

24th Nov 2004, 08:25
Teach: What does your Daddy do Johnnie?

Johnnie: My daddy's dead Miss.

Teach (embarrassed): Oh, I'm so sorry ... what did he do before he died?

Johnnie: Fell over, turned blue and [email protected] himself!

:E :E :E

24th Nov 2004, 16:45
The following statements about the bible were (supposedly) written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still & he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead & managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.



24th Nov 2004, 18:55
One Sunday many years ago, we were invited for tea at the house of my wife's VERY proper and victorian Grandmother, who had been married to a clergyman for very many years.

My wife carefully passed my 2 year old son his drink in a training cup, but between them they fumbled it and it crashed to the floor. The top popped off and the contents flew across the expensive chinese silk rug.

My son put his hands on his hips and announced at the top of his voice: "BUGG-ER!"

His poor mother went bright red with embarrassment.... while I went purple as I tried my best not to burst out laughing. :D

Of course, she blamed me afterwards...

24th Nov 2004, 19:43
About a year ago I took my little girl to visit my father who lives quite a way away and therefore had unfortunately not seen much of her as she grew up.

As we left we were no more than five minutes down the road when she said 'Daddy, who was that funny boy ?'

Err, thats your grandfather darling.

He has seen more of her since !

24th Nov 2004, 19:48
When Lil' Flyblue was 3, he spent the summer with my parents at their beach house, while his father and I were wasting the summer flying to earn a living. One day at the beach club, some people asked him where were his parents...to which he replied with a little index finger pointed to the sky. My parents couldn't keep a straight face when they received apologies for the terrible gaffe with their little orphan nephew...:D

25th Nov 2004, 05:16
My wife took my 5 year old to church for the first time (since christening) last week.

He was very well behaved through most of the service but started to play with the prayer book towards the end. Missus tried to grab it off him to stop the rustling noise, he fumbled dropped it and said "Oh sh*t look what you made me do"! at the top of his voice. :O :O :O

My wife is thinking of experimenting with another religion...

25th Nov 2004, 08:45
My father has always done a lot of amateur acting. When my brother and I were very young we would sometimes be allowed to watch the rehearsals, as the plays themselves would be performed too late for us to stay up.

One day, my father left home for a rehearsal before my brother and I were up. Mum took us shopping and then over to the theatre. When we got there, she started talking to this man. They really were very friendly...

When he left I said to her:
"Mummy, who was that strange man you were talking to?"
Her reply?
"That, my dear, was your father!"

He'd shaved off his beard and I didn't recognise him. :O :{

25th Nov 2004, 09:14
Our daughter when she was about 5 years old.

Mamma what are you reading in that big book?
It's my flight safety book sweety, I have to study for the exam next week.
Oh................ I'll call them and tell them you're not coming then.

Everybody knows stewardesses are supposed to be young and pretty. http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smilies/basic/biggrin.gif

25th Nov 2004, 09:20
My niece, aged 6, answered the doorbell for her mum then announced loudly:"Mum, its that nosy old bag from over the road".

25th Nov 2004, 10:05
Not exactly saying something but . . .

A friends daughter (4 at the time), was taking part in a dancing show at the local theatre, as a tree. Her friend Katie had a part in the show as a bee and to be honest, the costume for bees was much prettier than that for trees and also bees had much more interesting steps to do.

"I want to be a bee like Katie'
" No you can't, you are a tree"
(louder) "I want to be a bee like Katie'
" No you can't, you are a tree"
(very loud) "Right then, I'm not doing it" (sulk sulk)

So come show time, the tree is led out and takes its place on the stage, and the lights dim so it cant be seen.......

The bees come on and do their wiggles and steps looking cute....

The lights come up so that the tree can be seen , , , and there it is with its back to the audience, minus a costume, doing the bee dance.

Those of us aware of the tantrums earlier, just howled with laughter.

Windy Militant
25th Nov 2004, 10:06
A friend of mine used to live opposite a chapel. The chapel fronted onto a narrow road so parking was awkward, however there was a little niche to one side of the building, but it was only half a car wide. One of the chapel bashers thought it was his divine right to park there so he was rather upset when the council put double yellow lines across his space. He was even more annoyed when he got a ticket. So when my friend discovered that he could park his Suzi B120 behind the lines without being done, things became rather unchristian. Relations Hit rock bottom when my friend, hearing a knock on the door being answered by one of his kids, called from the kitchen to ask who was there to get the reply bellowed for all the world to hear "IT'S CREEPING JESUS AGAIN DAD" :O ;)