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Astrodome
18th Nov 2004, 22:56
A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The man says he doesn’t wish to enter so they move on.

The second room has someone being burned by a torch. Again the man says he doesn’t wish to enter so they move on.

The third room has a man tied to the wall being given oral sex by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says.

He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

Parapunter
19th Nov 2004, 06:59
In the hospital the relatives gathered in th waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired andsomber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someoneasked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with thewomen, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at tsuch childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standardpricing procedure. We have to mark down the priceof the female brains, because they've actuallybeen used."

DishMan
19th Nov 2004, 07:42
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 pounds.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.

There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

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(It's a beauty)

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"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."

jimgriff
19th Nov 2004, 07:53
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."






This could well be the joke of the year..........

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."





A Welshman was shipwrecked on a desert island after a big storm. As he lies on the beach, a ewe and an Alsatian are also washed ashore, so he does have some company. The climate of the island is warm and comfortable and there\'s food and water enough for them. After a few months the three of them get pretty pally and get into the habit of walking up into the hills to watch the sun go down every night. One particularly balmy night, everything is beautiful: In the distance they can hear the gentle sound of the sea
Lapping on the beach, the cooling evening breeze carries the sound of crickets chirping and everyone is happy. The Welshman looks over at the sheep and the sheep looks back. They gaze into each other\'s eyes and the Welshman begins to feel warm inside. The sheep continues to look back at him, so he reaches out and puts his arm around the animal. As soon as he does this, the Alsatian begins to growl, and doesn\'t stop until the arm is removed.
The three of them continue to watch the sunset each night, but the magic moment is past and there is no more funny business.
The weeks and months go by and there is another tropical storm and a beautiful woman is washed up on the beach, more dead than alive. She is weak and half drowned, but with tender care she eventually returns to health. She gets along well with the man, the dog and the sheep and she is introduced to their nightly ritual of watching the sun go down over the sea listening to the sound of the sea lapping on the shore, the noise of the crickets and the scent of tropical plants and spices on the breeze.
There is the most wonderful sunset and there is romance in the air and the Welshman begins to feel warm inside and exciting feelings stir in his heart and elsewhere. He turns to the scantily clad and now sun-tanned woman and gently nuzzles her hair and his lips near her ear. Their arms brush as she moves closer to hear what he has to say as he whispers, "You wouldn\'t take the dog for a walk, would you?”






The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair\'s a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man,

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

1DC
19th Nov 2004, 10:02
It was sunday morning in the bible belt and the pretty little church out on the prairie was completely full. Suddenly the ground began to shake and a great howling noise was heard, the church doors burst open and a swirling black cloud swept up the aisle. The cloud became satan and he screamed at the congregation, "I am the devil and if you don't get out of here I will cast you all into hell."
Their was a mad stampede for the door and within seconds the church was empty apart from the vicar and an old guy sat on the front row.
The devil said to the vicar that he knew he wouldn't run but wanted to know why the old chap was still there. The old replied, "Well I thought it was time we were introduced seeing as I have been married to your sister for 45 years."....

Ozzy
19th Nov 2004, 12:49
Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy...is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

After a brief pause Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"

"Uh Okay then......here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."


"Okay Daddy!"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead.


" "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool....but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all really dead too."


*** long pause ***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?

"No! This is 555-7093" the little girl said.

"Ooooppss....sorry wrong number!"

itchy kitchin
19th Nov 2004, 13:02
Police raided Michael Jacksons house again yesterday.
They found Class A's in the kitchen, class B's in the living room and class 3B in the bedroom.

taxi for itchy please!

pigboat
19th Nov 2004, 14:39
A lady came home to find the following note - penned by her husband - stuck to the fridge door:

Hi honey. Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. The Pabst Beer was normal. I didn't know you liked beer.