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GroundGirl
18th Nov 2004, 14:16
The old ones are still the same!!


1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's like
Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night!


Sorry - I'll go now :rolleyes:

Biggles Flies Undone
18th Nov 2004, 14:21
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I went to the railway station and asked for a return ticket.
“Where to?” said the man.
“Back here of course” I replied.

mazzy1026
18th Nov 2004, 14:22
Some great funnies in there! :D

Parapunter
18th Nov 2004, 14:35
Poor old Tommy Cooper, a fierce drinker & smoker he was done for really.:(


Blooming funny though - only pale imitations left nowadays.

itchy kitchin
18th Nov 2004, 15:06
The best one was when he had a violin and a painting and said:
"I got a Stradivarious and a Rembrandt here... only problem is: the violins by Rembrandt and the paintings by Stradivarious."
The violin goes through the painting, wrecking both.

...and who was the old man who would walk past behind him in brown overcoat pushing a broom?

GroundGirl
18th Nov 2004, 15:11
Also liked the sketch where he picks up an electric bulb and exclaims 'light bulb' he then produces a onion and said 'heavy bulb'! The lanlord in a pub I used to work in had a fez and did the best impressions :ok: :E :p :}

Blacksheep
18th Nov 2004, 15:20
The funniest man ever. I laughed so much reading those lines of his and seeing him in my mind's eye that I spilled some of my best Bowmore and didn't even mind. God Bless him.

I'd love to go to Heaven just to see him live...

The SSK
18th Nov 2004, 15:28
I spilled some of my best Bowmore and didn't even mind.

Then you would appreciate:

'I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already'

MadsDad
18th Nov 2004, 15:49
A man walks into a bar.

Clang..........

It was an iron bar.

1DC
18th Nov 2004, 15:57
Mate of mine got on the train in London and Tommy got into the compartment, nobody said anything but by the time the train had got to Clapham junction everyone in the compartment was laughing hysterically including Tommy. it was like that for the whole journey......

Biggles Flies Undone
18th Nov 2004, 15:57
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

eal401
18th Nov 2004, 16:03
All very funny, but how many actually are from Mr Cooper? I'm a bit suspicious about some.

BRL
18th Nov 2004, 16:46
More Here............ (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=89990&highlight=Cooperisms)

TC used to get the train to Eastbourne from London and often arrived legless and had to be helped to the taxi rank. Bit of a drinker and miserable I believe. (still dead funny mind....) :D

IB4138
18th Nov 2004, 19:03
The man was a genius...irreplaceable!

Loki
18th Nov 2004, 22:42
I slept like a log last night.....I woke up in the fireplace.

Parapunter
19th Nov 2004, 07:12
I went to the doctors. He said put your feet up on the couch. I said why? do you want to examine me?

He said no, I want to sweep the floor.


Just like that.

mazzy1026
19th Nov 2004, 07:28
I woke up at the crack of dawn this morning. Told her to get out my face!

angels
19th Nov 2004, 07:47
I flew into KL once and the first telly programme that I tuned into was an old Tommy Cooper show.

His guest was Henry Cooper, the boxer, and our Tommy said to him. "I was in the ring with that Mohammad Ali once. I had him worried.

"Really?" says our 'Enery.

"Yeah, he thought he'd killed me....."

I wonder what the Malaysians thought of that?

Devlin Carnet
19th Nov 2004, 09:11
I can still remember sitting and watching the London Palladium that night, thinking his collapsing was part of the act.
Very strange....and sad.

itchy kitchin
19th Nov 2004, 09:19
My Dad used to be a set designer in telly long ago... He told me once that TC used to "warm up" the audience for another comic who would be on the show. He described to me how he would just stand there- eyes darting around the room, saying nothing except clearing his throat in that inimitable way and having the audience in tears of laughter! Now that takes some doing. He was a natural funny guy!