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aged
7th Nov 2004, 23:16
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal.

This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on,that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption> System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Jerricho
7th Nov 2004, 23:53
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

See, now I always thought it was a "beer jacket" that was presented to you after your 12th pint. You're so p*ssed when you get home and take it off, you can never find it again (it ends up in the same place as all those socks that disapear)

PAXboy
8th Nov 2004, 00:14
I recall a night that a colleague of mine found that his Beer Scooter arrived too late. However, the ever helpful Police helped him to remember ...

They found asleep in bed and peiced together that he had attempted to drive his Porsche Boxster the short distance home. He wrapped it round a tree. Got home and went to bed. In the words of the prophet Manuel, "He knew nothing". So, he must have had the Beer Scooter to get him from the scene of the crash to his apartment.

DirtyPierre
9th Nov 2004, 06:09
Has any research been done on the organ in ones body that produces the carrot pieces that go in your vomit when you chuck after a night on the turps?

Doesn't matter what you've had to eat, if you spew, there is always carrot in it!

Jerricho
9th Nov 2004, 15:32
That DP, would be the lining of your stomach.

Gainesy
9th Nov 2004, 15:39
An enterprising break-down truck company in Moscow now offers a service whereby they pick up you and your car from the pub and take both home.

topcat450
9th Nov 2004, 15:43
Surely thats more expensive than two taxi's?

I mean, sending a pick-up truck over from Moscow to pick me up from the pub? I'd be sober by the time it arrived:p

phoenix son
9th Nov 2004, 15:51
Not sure if this is advertising or not, apologies if it shouldn't be here...

THIS is the most enterprising thing I have ever heard in my life, saw it advertised on one of those things in the gents in a pub close to MAN airport...

http://www.scooterman.co.uk/

Outstanding...

PHX

OzPax1
9th Nov 2004, 20:20
My way of making sure I can get home no matter how pissed I am is to put 10 into a envelope with my address on it. At the end of a nights pissup hand envelope to taxi driver. Presto...no need to remember your address (not easy when your pissed!:p ), and also no need to go looking for the loose change in your pockets to pay the fare!

Well it works for me anyway! :E :}

tony draper
9th Nov 2004, 20:31
A homing front door key would be usefull, one often managed to get home ok then spent an hour trying to get a front door key into the lock, closing one eye usually helped but not always.
This was generaly after one had spent 30 minutes going through ones pockets repeatedly trying to find the dammed key in the first place.
:(
True twould have been simpler to ring the bell, but as these events tended to occur at 2.30 am one was reluctant to do so.

grease7
9th Nov 2004, 20:40
Ozpax if you are that pissed, you wouldn't notice if the cab driver took your money and dropped you of at the nearest bus-stop.:}

Sorry but my trust in cab-drivers isn't very high;)

Paracab
9th Nov 2004, 23:13
Thank Goodness for the discovery of The Beer Scooter and its ability to use a trans-dimensional portal, I knew that the incident which I will now relate, was never, ever, my fault in anyway....

My girlfriend at the time was working, I was resting and she kindly offered to fund a night out on the lash, with her best friend (Female) who was also at a loose end that night.

Don't really recall anything until 0600 the next morning when I awoke and uttered the Immortal words 'This isn't my bedroom, this isn't my bed and you're not Claire !'

I will rest easy now, thanks to the discovery of this mystical lager fuelled force.

2_dollars
10th Nov 2004, 14:23
PHX
Gents toilets at MAN??
The rumours are true then?
:eek:

$$