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Astrodome
5th Nov 2004, 08:11
Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves.

After they'd finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then threw them away.

The other woman, realising she was wearing some very expensive knickers, didn't want to throw hers away and so looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone.

One commented, "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!"

The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her arse that read - "The whole of City Football Team will never forget you"

Jelly Baby Freak
5th Nov 2004, 09:41
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

sign up early and get a discount on registration

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS-DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
:ok: :ok:

henry crun
5th Nov 2004, 09:43
An old man turns to his wife and asks if she has ever cheated on him. "I must confess," she says "I've been unfaithful to you twice."

"What!" he screams. "When?"
"The first time was when we were denied a mortgage," she explains "and I went to persuade the banker to give us the loan."

"What about the second time?" asks the man.
"Remember when you ran for mayor," the wife begins, "and you were behind by 300 votes?....................."

Buster Hyman
5th Nov 2004, 10:49
I mixed up my Viagra & Laxative pills last night....






...didn't know if I was coming or going!:uhoh:

ontrackfor
5th Nov 2004, 11:06
hehehe, that viagra thing, it's is so true...

Woops...

You didn't see me here.

DistantRumble
5th Nov 2004, 14:10
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

"Are you ready to leave?"--Definition of the word "yes"
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar--Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS--It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly
Since Puberty--Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
How to Earn Your Own Money
Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
"To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN:

Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is not mandatory.


Combatting the Impulse to Nag
You Can Change the Oil Too
PMS - Learning to Sleep Over at Mother\'s
How to Fill a Beer Mug
We do not want Stationary for Christmas - PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS
Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness
How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football
Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone Other Than Him to Boss Around
How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right
Get a Life - Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself
Balancing a Checkbook - Even You Can Get it Right
You, the Whining Sex
Reasons to Give _ _ _ _ _ _ _ S
How to Stay Awake During Sex
Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast
Shopping - Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours
#101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep
#102 It\'s OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom
If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
How to Close the Garage Door
If You Don\'t Want an Excuse, Don\'t Demand an Explanation
Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous
How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia
Living Without Power Windows - How to Turn a Crank
Romanticism - The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation
How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing
Putting On Something Sexy - Why it Won\'t Ruin Your Brain
How to Act Younger Than Your Mother
You Too Can Carry a Backpack
Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who Complain About You the Most
Apologizing for Farting When You\'re On the Toilet is NOT Necessary
The Attainable Goal - Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving
Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel

Lon More
5th Nov 2004, 15:58
Om 2 Viagra per day now; one in the morning to stop me p1ssing on my shoes and one in the evening to stop me rolling out of bed

Capn Notarious
5th Nov 2004, 17:23
Bloke walking down the road with his mate. Outside this house half a dozen men are beating the c - -p out of his mother-in-law.
"You gonna help?"
"Nah, six should do it properly."

All_Boxed_Off_Mate
5th Nov 2004, 17:30
TWO CANNIBALS WERE EATING A CLOWN, ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS: "DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU?"

Standard Noise
5th Nov 2004, 17:37
Please God forgive me for this one.................

100 women were asked in a survey if their c**t twitched after sex.

99% said, "No, he just lies there!"





Sorry:O

Dead_Heading
5th Nov 2004, 19:38
A bloke is sitting in a Hospital waiting room, when the doctor comes in.

Doctor: "I am sorry, but the only cure for your disease is a brain transplant. We provide the surgery, but the NHS cannot provide the brain."

Patient "How much are brains these days then?"

Doctor "Well, a Male brain is 2000, a female brain is 200"

The man smirks at this and asks: "Why is the male brain so much more expensive then?"

The doctor replies...

















"Well sir, the female brain has been used"

av8boy
5th Nov 2004, 20:23
That last one didn't seem that funny... :(

pigboat
5th Nov 2004, 22:22
A papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole lived in a mole hole outside a farmhouse. One morning the papa mole poked his head out the hole, drew a deep breath and said, "Mmmmm..I smell apple pie."
The mama mole poked her head out the hole beside him, drew a deep breath and said, "Mmmmm...I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because the bigger moles had it blocked. "Pooo..." he said. "I smell molasses."

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear, and the other's a great year.