View Full Version : Nelson in todays world

Gareth Blackstock
29th Oct 2004, 13:07
It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed on board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations.

"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."


"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And now there's a ban on corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

29th Oct 2004, 13:15

29th Oct 2004, 13:49
Well it IS only a small Lancashire town so......

Oh, sorry

29th Oct 2004, 15:39
If it was today the Nelson Era, he would board his ship to the fanfare fit only for Heroe's.....

However after the battle and his reported death and dying words he would be branded a "Homo" or at least a Bi!


29th Oct 2004, 19:05
Gareth Blackstock.....BRILLIANT .....dunno whether to laugh or cry .....ok , I'll laugh ! The truth is horribly laughable these days .

29th Oct 2004, 21:31
Along the same lines I read this years ago in “Flying Magazine.” I’ll try to reconstruct it from memory.

Under today’s ATC and FAA rules the attack on Pearl Harbor would have never happened.

Time, December 7, 1941, early morning. With today’s ATC system.

Honolulu approach: “To large formation of unidentified aircraft north of Hawaii this Honolulu approach on guard, please identify yourself.”

Strike leader of Japanese attack force on intercom: “Who was that?”

Lead navigator: “They call themselves Honolulu approach, I don’t know who that is.”

Strike leader: “We’ll just ignore them, press on”

Honolulu approach: “Attention unidentified aircraft north of Hawaii identify yourself immediately or you will be violated.”

Lead navigator: “Maybe we should answer them sir, would hate to have this attack ruined on some kind of silly rule infraction.”

Strike leader: “Oh well, you very well maybe right, I’ll talk to them.”

Strike leader: “Honoruru approach this is stri er, hum, this is hum, (Lead nav. breaks in on intercom and says, sir I might suggest Rising Sun Flight leader.) Ah yes, this Rising Sun fright reader, over.”

Honolulu approach: “Roger Rising Sun leader, please squawk 2347 and ident. Please say intentions?”

Strike leader on intercom: “What the heck is squawk, what squawk, 2347 what is 2347?”

Lead navigator: “ I don’t know, bluff them, they’re just dumb Yankees.”

Strike leader: “er squawk 2347, 2347 now squawk you bet.”

Honolulu approach: “Rising Sun lead are your aircraft equipment with transponders?”

Striker leader on intercom: “Oh fer god’s sake what is a transponder?”

Lead navigator: “I don’t know, just tell them that it is broke!”

Strike leader: “Yes, we have transponder, it broke.”

Honolulu approach: “Ok, just have one of your other aircraft squawk 2347 and indent please.”

Strike leader: “All broke, no transponder, so sorry.”

Honolulu approach: “All the other aircrafts transponders are broke? Just how many aircraft are in your formation?”

Strike leader: “Yes all broke and we have er, 127 aircraft.”

Honolulu approach: “A HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN AIRCRAFT! Did you say a 127 aircraft? Well in any case turn right 90 degrees for radar identification and to avoid Class B airspace.”

Strike leader: “You want arr of us to turn?”

Honolulu approach: “Yes all of you!”

Strike leader: “Royer we turn right 90 degrees.”

Honolulu approach: “Just why do have a 127 aircraft with you?”

Strike leader: “We sight seeing, we poor country, we no have big airprane that carry many peoples, must use many small pranes.”

Honolulu approach: “Oh, ok welcome to Hawaii, hold that course and standby for coordination.”

Strike leader on intercom: “I told you it would work, stupid yanks. By the way, what is this Class B airspace?”

Lead nav on intercom: “I’m not so sure, I would like to know what they are coordinating. But Class B airspace can’t be too important, otherwise it would be called Class A airspace.”

Honolulu approach: “Rising Sun lead turn further right to 350 to avoid incoming military flight from the mainland, I’ll get you heading back in as soon as possible.”

Strike leader: “Royer, right turn 350.”

Lead nav on intercom: “RIGHT TURN 350, what are you doing? We don’t have that much fuel to screw around with. And what military flight? I think that they are on to us, we must attack now!”

Strike leader on intercom: “For god’s sake you don’t think that I can’t see the goddamn fuel gauges, I know exactly how much fuel we have left. And we will attack when I say we attack, now be quiet.”

About 30 minutes go by.

Lead nav on intercom: “I think they forgot about us, we’re really getting close on the fuel there lead, how about we go in and attack now, huh what do you say?”

Strike leader on intercom: “You may be right, I’ll call them and if they don’t answer we’ll turn around a attack.”

Strike leader: “Honoruru approach this Rising Sun lead, over.”

Honolulu approach: “Rising Sun lead we have not forgotten you, I’ve been on the land line. Those B-17s from the mainland were lost, as usual, and we are just now getting them headed to Hickman Field, we’ll you get headed back in as soon as we can. And now turn left 270 please.”

Strike leader: “Royer, now 270 heading, how rong on 270, we must have tour of Pearl Harbor soon.”

Honolulu approach: “Pearl Harbor, you want to fly over Pearl Harbor?”

Strike leader: “Yes, we need fry over Pearl Harbor and Hickman.”

Honolulu approach: “Well you should have said that sooner, now I am going to have to make sure the MOAs are not active, er, turn back right 350 and standby, this may take some time, you should have told me sooner.”

Strike leader: “Royer back to 350, you turn us back soon, ok.”

Honolulu approach: “Yeah Sun lead real soon.”

Another 30 minutes go by.

Honolulu approach: “Rising Sun lead, Honolulu approach over.”

Honolulu approach: “Rising Sun lead, Honolulu approach over. Rising Sun lead your formation seems to be getting smaller, do you read Honolulu?”

An hour later.

One controller to another: “Say what happened to that Chinese sight seeing flight?

Hell I don’t know, they wanted to fly over Pearl Harbor and Hickman field and I couldn’t find anybody awake to get permission, I guess they went somewhere else.

Ok, I’m off duty now anyway, how about them Red Sox’s?”

2 sheds
30th Oct 2004, 11:40

Excellent! Most amusing thread for a long time, until you realise that the essence of it is too near the present day reality.

Nelson might not have had to tolerate the PC Brigade in his day, but he did come up against the Bean Counters and Jobsworths in the Admiralty.

From Robert Southey's "The Life of Nelson"...

Not having been in England till now since he lost his eye, he went to receive a year's pay as smart-money, but could not obtain payment because he had neglected to bring a certificate from a surgeon that the sight was actually destroyed. A little irritated that this form should be insisted upon, because, though the fact was not apparent, he thought it was sufficiently notorious, he procured a certificate at the same time for the loss of his arm, saying they might just as well doubt one as the other. This put him in good humour with himself and with the clerk who had offended him. On his return to the office, the clerk, finding it was only the annual pay of a captain, observed he thought it had been more. "Oh!", replied Nelson, "this is only for an eye. In a few days I shall come for an arm, and in a little time longer, God knows, most probably for a leg." Accordingly, he soon afterwards went, and with perfect good humour exhibited the certificate of the loss of his arm.