View Full Version : The OFFICIAL Friday 29th October Joke

28th Oct 2004, 23:23
If Men wrote "Cosmopolitan" it would go something like this

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true.The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Stupendous Man
28th Oct 2004, 23:28
25 Things That MAke You Feel Like A Man

1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and (as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish)
noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the

past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratching.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now
your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18 TAKING OUT 500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
(or a 'quiet one' with John Sams) but with that much cash you feel like a
mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19 PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says "That's right,
i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t".

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
25 Things That MAke You Feel Like A Man

29th Oct 2004, 09:05
Forgive me if this has been posted before-it's new to me.

These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They

were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the

actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on

TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching

them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a

list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?


A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of

Europe.Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific

which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every

Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here

& we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which

is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney & is milk available all year

round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk

is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All

Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget

its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out

of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before

you go out walking.

29th Oct 2004, 09:55
10 Commandments: For the married ...

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

itchy kitchin
29th Oct 2004, 11:32
They have botox injections, boob jobs, nips, tucks, ear piercings, nose piercings, even cl*t piercings, bikini waxes, leg waxes, eyebrow plucking...

...but they won't take it up the arse 'coz they recon it HURTS!

29th Oct 2004, 19:53
Comin' in under the wire....(it's still Friday here!)

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again. The boy asked, What is this Father? The father (never having
seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is. While the boy and his father were
watching with amazement, a large elderly lady in a wheel chair moved
up to The moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the
boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the
last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son............. Go get your mother.

29th Oct 2004, 19:59
A young woman entered a tattoo parlor and told the tattoo artist
that she wanted a picture of Elvis tattooed on her upper thigh.
The tattoo artist replied that this was no problem, and to please
show him where she wanted the tattoo applied. The woman wanted
the tattoo placed so far up on her right thigh, that she finally
had to remove her panties. The artist was a little put off, but
after so many years in the business and so many tattoos on unusual
places of the body, he went ahead with the work after she forked
over $100 for the portrait.

He proceeded very carefully, and after about two hours, completed
what he thought to be a first class job - an excellent profile of
young Elvis. He proudly passed a mirror to his customer. She looked
in seeming horror, and screamed at him, "That doesn't look like Elvis
at all. I've been ripped off, and I want my money back!"

The tattoo artist tried to clam her down, "Lady, that's a great picture
of Elvis."

"Bull! I'm not paying."

"OK... I'll tell you what," he said, "I'll do another portrait on the
left thigh, and if you're not satisfied, I'll give you your money back."

Finally she agreed to let him try again. This time he worked even more
carefully, and three hours passed before he was finally satisfied that
this was an accurate potrait of Elvis Presley. He passed the mirror to
her again, and she again had a bad reaction, "You idiot... this doesn't
look at all like Elvis, and I want my money back."

The tattoo artist was sure that his portraits of Elvis were fine pieces
of work. He said, "Listen Lady... I'll tell you what... I'll go outside
and grab the first person who passes by and bring 'em in here. If they
say the tattoos look like Elvis, you have to pay me. Otherwise it's free,
OK?" The young woman finally agreed after a heated argument.

The artist went outside the shop and approached the first man to pass by.
This guy happened to be staggering drunk, but the artist thought that a
deal was a deal, and dragged the inebriated passerby into the shop and
placed him in front of the woman - still naked from the waist down with
legs spread wide open to display her new tattoos.

"Tell me who that is," screamed the tattoo artist, confident
in his work.

The drunk bent over and got closer to the woman and the tattoos in
He reeled back and forth, trying to maintain his balance. He looked for a
quite a long time, squinting and scratching his head.

"Well?" said the woman.

The drunk finally stood up, staggered, and said, "I ain't gotta f*ckin'
clue who the twins are, but I'll be goddamned if the one in the middle
ain't the spittin' image of Willy Nelson."

29th Oct 2004, 20:08
itchy kitchin

Is that a blanket statement tarring all those with the same brush!