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Bo Nalls
28th Oct 2004, 15:20
For anyone who has spent many hours on the tubethis site (http://www.going-underground.net/) has a set of scorching PA announcements made by the drivers. Scroll down to the "This train is not going to Parsons Green" section. Certainly brought a smile to my face :O :O

A few examples:

"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

"He asked the passengers for the second time to 'mind the doors' (and the gap!) and then added 'Yes you, the woman in the long brown coat, love. I suggest you should shave your legs in future, it'll stop the hairs getting caught in the doors. Look at her everyone! Mingin!'. (PAUSE) Anyway, have a safe journey please, mind the doors, the doors are closing.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I`m sorry for the delay, I have just been informed this is due to people on the ROOF of the train ahead.....(long pause.....very quizzical sounding): "Yes, you are probably thinking some of the things I am, but thats what I`ve been told by my control"

:ok: :ok:

Jerricho
28th Oct 2004, 16:32
Ahhh good times on the tube.

Reminds me of the day I saw a stupid women make a dive through closing doors at Oxford Street, with a number of shopping bags in tow. The screaming and yelling that ensued when she misjudged her dive and the bags (and part of her arm) were now caught outside the now closed doors. Never seen anybody reach for the red alarm thingie so quick.

(And full marks to the 2 teenagers yelling at her "Let the bloody bags go!!!")

noisy
28th Oct 2004, 19:44
I have noticed a phonomenon on the tube which I have dubbed the 'Golder's Green effect'. When the train emerges from the tunnel just south of Golders Green all the text messages arrive. Many calls are made and recieved. I mean it, five seconds after leaving the cacophony of the tunnel someone is F:mad: ing about with their phone, absolutely guaranteed.

And then:

"Hello, I'm at Golders Green"

:mad:

And then everybody has to change so they can send the train back south and you have to stand with your face in someones armpit, which is exactly the kind of therapy you want after a long day at work.

Golders Green. Not my favorite stop. Spleen vented.

Sharjah Night Shift
28th Oct 2004, 20:30
Jerricho, Your story reminds me of a gent I saw many years ago who tried unsuccessfuly to board a train as the doors were closing. As he bounced off the now firmly closed door he dropped his briefcase that promptly burst open spilling his masonic regalia on the platform.

Jerricho
28th Oct 2004, 21:33
Sharjah, I'll have to be honest and say I was guilty of once barrelling down the stairs at Baker Street at about the time the train I was wanting to get on should have been leaving. Sprinted to the nearest door and threw myself though it...................to be met with an announcement over the speakers "This service has been delayed 5 minutes, sorry for the wait". :\ :ouch:

Parapunter
28th Oct 2004, 21:53
I like this one. It may be a former boss:

I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
:rolleyes:

BahrainLad
28th Oct 2004, 22:19
I have a lasting memory of being jammed in the (thankfully, rubber-edged) doors of the Brussels metro at the age of 8 due to a Grandfather that really, desperately wanted to get home in time for the England v. West Indies test.....

VFE
28th Oct 2004, 23:41
My most amusing tube story was when some mates and I were walking down the stationary Tottenham Court Road escalators. I heard a thud and turned around to see my mate Vince upside down on his back with claret running from his head out onto those toothy metal steps. Obviously this was not that amusing for poor Vince but an ambulance was called for and we soon ended up at some A&E clinic after a boring journey due to the fact the ambulance driver refused to put the sirens on to bring about an even greater laugh for the lads.

At the hospital the nurse asked Vince, who by now was growing considerably more unhappy and bloodier, if he'd been drinking that day. Vince, holding his head together, looked up at the nurse and replied: "well put it this way luv, you look attractive!". Not the wisest move ever but proof that the fall hadn't knocked his sense of humour away. Not sure he was too chuffed about the lack of anaesthetic administered whilst they stitched his head up but he lived.

Happy days..... :)

VFE.

holyflyer
29th Oct 2004, 07:53
On Wednesday the driver boarded the 0712 Central train at West Ruislip, switched on the automated PA system which announced : "Thanking for travelling on the Waterloo & City line, the next stop is Waterloo where this train will terminate"

MadsDad
29th Oct 2004, 09:11
On the Northern line again, everyone got chucked out of the trainbecause it was broken. When the next tube came along everyone tried to get on and there was lots of "Please stand clear of the DOORS" before it could get going. When it finally started moving again, the driver says over the tannoy, "This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

Heard on the Northern line: "Ladies and gentlemen this train has 22 doors on each side, please feel free to use all of them, not just the two in the middle".

Joe.Phoenix
29th Oct 2004, 12:34
One recalls boarding a tube train (why is there no first class on tubes?) after a lengthy delay at Kings Cross, only to have a melodious computer voice announce "This train is defective, all change please"

A few seconds later the drivers voice sounded over the groans and grumbles with "That announcement is defective, this train is departing"

There was much jocularity aboard.
:hmm:

OzExpat
29th Oct 2004, 15:26
In my first few visits to the UK, I was always amused by announcements like... "The next station is Regents Pork". I didn't hear that pronunciation during this year's visit and was a bit disappointed... :}

However, at least it's nice to know that some things don't change. Like the announcement... "Please mind the ga-ap..." :D

Jerricho
29th Oct 2004, 15:30
Speaking of stupid announcements, having been away from sunny Bris-vagas for an extended period, it seems the trains there were having a spate of eating people in the doors as they closed (damn doors). The resultant message "Doors closing, please stand clear" in a polite, pleasant voice was instigated to save people from these horrible jaws of death.