View Full Version : Animal talk.

Kaptin M
24th Oct 2004, 14:01
Anyone else noticed how often we compare ourselves to various animals, and their body parts.
In conjunction with my younger son, we’ve penned the beginning of a few examples.
Feel free to continue……………….

Met this delightful little chick a few weeks ago, so I thought I’d take her out to dinner.
I donned my best gorilla suit, and picked her up around 7 in my Alfa Spider – she is one foxy lady! It was raining cats and dogs, so I drove at a snail’s pace – better the tortoise in these conditions, than a hare, I thought.
The romantic, candle-lit restaurant set the ambience for what I was hoping would be a night to remember, but the high pitched drone of the bitch seated at the next table, rabbiting on to a couple of cute little fillies was annoying, and was pissing me off. By the number of different bottles of wine on their table, I could see they’d been drinking like fish, and the one with the annoying voice was as drunk as a skunk.

Feeling as hungry as a horse, I suggested we start with entree, followed by a soup, before ordering mains.
As quietly as a mouse, my little pussycat whispered that she was happy to share her main course with me, if I’d eat the lion’s share.
Entrée arrived – I was ravenous, but my partner nibbled away like a church mouse.
The hens at the other table were now getting rowdier, clucking away incessantly, and obviously upsetting other patrons seated nearby. Suddenly one man, who looked as angry as an ant, couldn’t contain himself any longer. “Shut the [email protected] up would you!” he bellowed like an ox.
Silence immediately reigned throughout, but pissed as a newt, the bitch with the screechy voice fired back, “You’re as blind as a bat, you fat ox, and the old duck you’re with has been eating like a pig all night.” And with that she slapped him across his chops.
His right hand immediately responded with a slap back – she squealed like a stuck pig, but was now as mad as a cut snake.
The rest of the restaurant was having a whale of a time as we watched the events unfolding before us.

“Are you a man or a mouse? Don’t be a chicken”, the old dragon who had been seated next to the man yelled.
“Why don’t you shut up you silly old cow!” one of the other girls, joined in (I’ve seen better tits on a dingo, than her’s, I thought to myself).

Like a scalded cat, I grabbed my partner's paw and headed straight for
the door. First the rain, then the loud patrons next to us, now this!
It was the straw that broke the camel's back. The whole of the date
had been a dog's breakfast.

I directed my vixen straight to the Spider while I approached the
counter to pay.

'Phillip', the maître d' was an interesting specimen. He had a
withdrawn pigeon chest and chicken legs. He was a prawn of a man. "A
clear illustration of why some animals eat their young," I thought, as I
threw my cash onto the counter – I wanted out of here.

While Phillip pussy footed around behind the counter, I caught a
glimpse of a beautiful creature unpacking her sheet music in
contemplation of fingering the baby grand piano.
Phillip's voice broke my trance "she sings like a robin." He must have
seen me drooling. "But she's one to watch - a 'wolf in sheep's clothing'
one might say."
The sloth still hadn't completed the transaction and was wasting my
time. His loud, annoying voice had echoed across the restaurant for
every man and his dog to hear.

The elegant piano player had heard what Phillip had said – she looked sheepish.
"Stop shooting your beak off and let me get out of here!" I bellowed.
She too was now engrossed in the unfolding events and slithered her
way through the web of tables towards me. I wouldn't mind parting her
beef curtains!

As she approached I was able to study her more closely. I must have
been as blind as a bat - she was dog ugly and sure to be a starfish in
the sack. An obvious red herring. What was I to do? I was a sitting
duck! "I have to piss like a race horse, see you next time" I
exclaimed and ran out the door, like a rat off a sinking ship.

As we approached the car like two drowned rats from the rain, I yawned like a walrus.
But my tiredness was abruptly jolted as I recognized two shady characters standing alongside the Spider….it was those accursed loan sharks, who were trying to fleece me like a lamb.
“You’re looking a bit cocky tonight Leo,” I heard the taller of the two snarl at me.
“Who would your little chicky be then?”.
I wasn’t going to let them ruffle my feathers – I’d play the cool cat with these couple of hams.

24th Oct 2004, 15:04
....'you will get nothing from him', snarled my sex kitten,' he is tight as a ducks arse'..........

24th Oct 2004, 15:11
You guys must be as p1ssed as parrots. :E

24th Oct 2004, 15:38
I think that's the dog's bollocks... :p

Val d'Isere
24th Oct 2004, 16:49
They call me "donkey".

(On account of the size of me bits, y'see)


24th Oct 2004, 17:18
So it's not because you're a huge ass then ;)

Solid Rust Twotter
24th Oct 2004, 21:09
Ee aw, ee aw, ee awlways calls me donkey.......

25th Oct 2004, 07:47
Slowly reaching into the inside pocket of my sheep skin, the sharks froze, transfixed like roe deer caught in the headlamps of an on coming car. Making sure they got a glimpse of the colt 45 holster harness snaked round my shoulder, I produced a pack of camels. I knew I should cut down given that it took about six hearty coughs every morning to get rid of the frog in my throat but these days I was smoking like a beagle. "Get out of here before I horse whip your ass's". They high tailed it.

Driving home in the spider the chick was obviously impressed. Practically sitting spread eagle, giving me strobe like images if her camel toe (not a beaver insight) as we passed each street light, she leaned over, "a little bird tells me you are a stallion in bed" she purred, reaching for my cock. I was dog tired but had heard that this one went like a rabbit and I wasn't going to miss the opportunity. A few cougar and red bulls back at my lair should sort me out..........

coat time me thinks.

25th Oct 2004, 09:31
Rosalita, a pretty young lass
Had a most magnificent ass
It was not round and pink
As you'd possibly think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass ;)

25th Oct 2004, 09:58
Did you get a look at her growler?:E

itchy kitchin
25th Oct 2004, 10:50
Did she go off like a frog in a sock?