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Astrodome
22nd Oct 2004, 00:01
Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Get the hell off our f*ing car you evil b*stard!"

aged
22nd Oct 2004, 01:42
A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed my a*s" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Well without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, "If I catch you, your a*se is mine!"

pigboat
22nd Oct 2004, 02:36
This just in from scran.

The following story is from the Washington Post. The title of the article was "The Best Come-Back Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 21 year old white male resident of Dacula GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication, at the Gwinnet County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is sort of soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate for his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnet County Police car approaching and was unaware of his audience, until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," saids Officer Taylor. " I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I went up to him and I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you know that you're screwing a pumpkin?' "He froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"

mazzy1026
22nd Oct 2004, 08:52
Why did god invent women?
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To carry semen from the bed to the toilet :E

topcat450
22nd Oct 2004, 08:54
An Irishman went for a job at the stables. The boss said "Are you any good at shoeing horses",

The Irishman replied, "I once told a donkey to f*ck off..":}

fishtits
22nd Oct 2004, 10:53
An Englishman and a Irishman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, although their cars are both completely written off.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Irishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Irish Whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

radeng
22nd Oct 2004, 11:48
What's black and blue and floats face down in the River Liffey?



















Englishmen who tell Irish jokes in Dublin!

fishtits
22nd Oct 2004, 11:55
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"


:D

The SSK
22nd Oct 2004, 12:00
Tiger Woods , etc

I swear to God, first time I heard that joke it was about Tony Jacklin

aidanf
22nd Oct 2004, 13:14
What did the magic tractor do?





















It turned into a field


...ahem.....

Lon More
22nd Oct 2004, 15:15
Or the tourist who walked down the Strand and vanished into Finnair.





You can't beat the oldies

Binoculars
22nd Oct 2004, 15:37
How come nobody has yet finished off with "I'll get me coat"? Can only be a matter of time. :rolleyes:

Like the pumpkin story, pigboat/scran! :ok: