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CAPTAIN'HOTCOCK
18th Oct 2004, 15:00
HELLO EVERYONE.

FEELING A BIT DOWN WITH THE JOB MARKET.

NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

JUST DROP CAPTAIN HOTCOCK A LINE FOR SOME HELP AND ADVICE.

DON'T BE SHY AND SHARE YOUR DISTRESSES AND INADEQUACIES.

IF HOTCOCK CANNOT HELP - NOTHING WILL!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU.


HOTCOCK OUT.

N.B.PREVIOUSLY EMPLOYED BY QAULITY AIRLINES

Goldfinger
18th Oct 2004, 16:11
Captain,

I'm soooo glad you have posted something. You might be able to help.

I first started this flying game with my Action Man from FL 002 and his superb parachute equipment, but after years of perfecting the technique and hundreds of hours later, no-one wants to give me a job.

Despite spending Sierra Leone's GDP there have been no offers.

It now concerns me that

a) I will have no pension to speak of

b) Going grey

c) Going bald

d) Have thirty five children to feed

Can you suggest how i can cope ??

Desperate - Goldfinger:ouch: :ouch: :ouch:

CAPTAIN'HOTCOCK
18th Oct 2004, 16:29
I am so glad that CPT Hotcock can penetrate the problems faced by pilots worldwide.

May i say that sierra leone only started going down hill once i left. This is not important now but i will come back to that at a later date.

I too have felt how you are feeling. And once had the grey, balding and dependants issue.

To your first point on spending so much money :

Always remember that one day, the Julius Caesars of the airline industries will want us to join their army. It will be then that we will proclaim that we are more than just pretorian gaurds and demand a fine steed (good salary), a season ticket to the barbarian games (25 days holiday) and a roman whore to satify our emotional needs (cabin crew).

This is where we will all become Brutus and run through the false emporers and declare our new found importance.

If this does not work and you need to let off some steam : then kill some cats! i do and love it.

Balding and grey:

Keep the cut to a grade 3 maximum and dye it a strwberry blonde. This will keep about 5 years from the door. Also tell women you are a professional pilot and have seved in places such as:

nam (as in viet nam), congo, bemuda and southend. This will knock another 10 years of your percieved age and make first night success a plethora of reality.

The kids thing:

Tell them that you love them less than your current mistress. They will not want anything from you until adulthood. By this point they would have gone through university and no longerrequire financial support.


I hope this helps.

It is a great honour for you to be advised by CPT Hotcock. My time is limited and the world IS a big place.

remember: Helping me:helping you - because i am a giver!.

Hotock out
Formorly employed by airlines of qaulity

timmcat
18th Oct 2004, 16:46
Dear Captain.

Not an aviation problem, but, nevertheless...

Another member of this board seems to think I am attracted to him. I am not, and never will be. I need to let him down gently as his over-inflated ego is already in danger of an explosion of cataclysmic proportions.

What should I do?

Tim of Yorkshire.

sprocket
18th Oct 2004, 21:16
Dear Captain, I have this affliction the causes me to think that the word captain should be changed to driver.

Can you help me.:(

Blacksheep
19th Oct 2004, 06:48
Moderators - Should not this poor deranged Hatcrock chap be in the Agony Aunts forum?

Lon More
19th Oct 2004, 12:17
Dear Captain Hotcock,

I was so impressed by your post that I was so moved to pass it on to many friends in Nigeria.

They will shortly cotact you with details of opportunities to make substantial financial gains

Training Risky
19th Oct 2004, 15:47
Its funny you should mention Nigeria! I'm on the verge of making a lot of money out of a contact I have out there - I'm very excited about it!

I have just made an initial investment of 5000 for various legal fees, but should soon be receiving a healthy chunk of $11 million!!! Its all to do with the oppression of members of the former royal Nigerian family - their assets have been frozen offshore for years - and they need capital from Western investors.

This is a great opportunity for me to make some big money and quickly - cool or what!:ok:

Ozzy
19th Oct 2004, 16:04
Training Risky, if you send me only $2500 I will provide you with double what you will get from Nigeria.

Ozzy :E

Standard Noise
19th Oct 2004, 19:05
Dear Capt Hotcock, I just wondered, is it sore? And will this nasty affliction go away with some antibiotics? You poor man.:}

vlad-the-inhaler
25th Oct 2004, 07:43
Daer Captain Hotcock,

I too was recently down in the Duldroms about pilot employment, no-one would employ me. I decided to take positive action action. What could I do? Then it dawned on me, the best way to highlight the problems faced by newcomers to aviation was to chain myself to the balcony of Buckingham palace in a batman suit. I intended the protest to be a long drawn out affair, unfortunately I had inadvertantly chained myself outside Charles' room. The result of this was that I was kept awake at all hours by the butlers coming (and going), honestly, for chaps who have an easy life, they did an awful lot of moaning from what I could hear. Anyway, Charles eventually became annoyed at my presence (I would have expected more patience from someone who has been reared by a Queen), contacted the authorities and sent a police negotiater to talk me down. To cut a long story short, I received a letter this very morning informing me that I had been granted custody of a Nigerian baby, and for just $2,500...

chuks
25th Oct 2004, 08:15
Dear Captain Hotcock,

I recently held it to be a good idea to give a Training Captain a reality check in the form of a mild joke during the de-brief following a sim session. He reacted as though I had asked him to remove his towel from a sun-lounger. I suppose he had never been sent on a joke-recognition course, although he seems to have every other qualification known to man.

Would you be so kind as to have a look at the tea leaves and tell me what my future might hold when I finally get a look at the training report?

Thank you so much.

ShyTorque
25th Oct 2004, 09:00
Dear Captain Hotcock

Can you recommend a good spellchecking programme?

Thanks.

Jerricho
25th Oct 2004, 15:34
Dear Captain Hotcock,

This one time, when I was at computer camp, the guy next to me was using this fight sim game, and he seemed really good at it. The guy had his own hat and uniform and stuff, and it looked really cool and he was all like "Hey, I could fly a real Jumbo", and I was all like "Wow, you're really cool" and stuff, and I was wondering could you give him a chance to fly a real Jumbo and stuff cause he looked like he really could from his flight sim game and I think that would be really cool..........

PPRuNe Radar
25th Oct 2004, 18:42
DEAR CAPTAIN HOTCOCK,

MY CAPS LOCK KEY SEEMS STUCK .... DOES THIS MEAN I SHOULD FLY AN AIRCRAFT WITH A HONEYWELL FMS .. OR ONE FROM SEXTANT ??

flok
25th Oct 2004, 21:37
Dear Captain Hotcock, is that you?

MY NAME IS MR. FRANK OKAFOR AND I AM THE CHIEF OPERATIONS OF THE SECURITY OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT CHARLES TAYLOR OF LIBERIA. PLEASE, PROTECT THIS MAIL FOR THE SAFETY OF MY LIFE AND THAT OF MY FAMILY TO AVOID US BEING TORTURED OR KILLED BY THE NEW GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT MOSES BLAHS, FORMAL VISE PRESIDENT TO THE FORMAL PRESIDENT CHARLES TAYLOR.

PLEASE, I HUMBLY BEG YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART TO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO ME, I HAVE JUST SURVIVED THE SECOND ASSASSINATING PLOT ON ME,WHICH I BELIEVE THAT THE PEOPLE ARE THE SECURITY AGENT FROM OUR PRESIDENT,PRESIDENT MOSES BLAH, WHO DOESNT WANT TO INCORPORATE ANY OF THE OFFICERS THAT HAVE SAVED THE LIBERIAN GOVERNMENT UNDER THE GOVERNMENT OF OUR FORMAL PRESIDENT, CHARLES TAYLOR, SO I DONT THINK THAT I AM SAFE, WHILE STILL SERVING UNDER THIS GOVERNMENT, BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO SERVE MY FATHERS LAND WITH ALL MY SINCERER HEART AND PROTECTING THE SOVEREIGNTY OF MY FATHERS LAND.

PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY, OUR FORMER PRESIDENT, PRESIDENT CHARLES TAYLOR, GIVE ME IN CASH OF THE SOME OF US$30 MILLION, TO PURCHASE SOME SPECIAL KIND OF AMMUNITIONS FROM RUSSIA GOVERNMENT UNOFFICIALLY,
WHICH I PURPOSELY REPORTED TO HIM THAT, THE AMMUNITIONS HAS BEEN PURCHASE AND SUPPLIED TO OUR DIFFERENT COMMAND, TO BE ABLE TO FLUSH OUT ALL THE SECTIONAL REBELS THAT WAS AGAINST HIS GOVERNMENT, I DID THAT, BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO PROVE TO MYSELF, THAT I AM AGAINST HIS (CHARLES TAYLOR)S GOVERNMENT.

NOW THE NEW GOVERNMENT STILL DOESNT APPRECIATE ME, INSTEAD PLANNING TO KILL ME. PLEASE, MY GOOD FRIEND, I WANT YOU TO DO ME A LIFE TIME FAVOR, I HAVE DEPOSITED THE FUND (US$30MILLION) IN OUR WEST AFRICAN SECURITY COMPANY, WITH MY SONS NAME IN TWO BOXES, WHICH HE (MY SON) IS VERY AWARE OF IT, BUT I DECLARE THE BOXES TO THE SECURITY COMPANY THAT THE BOXES CONTAIN EXPENSIVE JEWELRIES AND MY COMMUNITY GENERATIONAL ACT WORKS.

PLEASE, YOU WILL HELP ME TO SAFE GUIDE THIS FUND (US$30MILLION) IN YOUR COUNTRY, BY ESTABLISHING 70% OF THE TOTAL SUM IN A PROFITABLE BUSINESS VENTURE FOR MY SON, WHILE HE LIVES UNDER YOUR CARE OVER THERE IN YOUR
COUNTRY, SO THAT IF I REMAIN A LIFE, MY SON CAN SPONSOR ME TO RUN AS A VISE.

Feeton Terrafirma
26th Oct 2004, 10:34
Dear Captain Hotcock,

I have recently discovered eBay and its myriad of uses. Can you please advise if I should start the auction at $1 no reserve and hope the bidding gets to a reasonable level, or should I set a reserve? Do you think I should pre-qualify the bidders for the kids, or just sell them to the highest bidder? Would it be better to auction each of the kids separately or as a bulk lot?


Egarly awaiting your advice.

Feets

MadsDad
26th Oct 2004, 10:46
Feeton, not official advice but from experience it depends on the sizes.

If, for instance, they are all small enough to fit into the chimneys they would probably fetch a better price individually.

If, however, they are of varying sizes with some getting on towards the large size it would be better to sell them as a ready-made team, with the bigger ones handling the 'pick and shovel' work and the smaller ones harnessed to the tubs to pull the coal out (but, if this option is chosen, don't forget they have to be allowed out into the paddock when the pit holidays are on).

Feeton Terrafirma
26th Oct 2004, 11:31
MadsDad, Thanks for your tips.

The oldest has to go soon as he is becoming somewhat attached to Mrs Terrafirma and myself. He is of the EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA large size, now weighing in at 110 kg and 198 cm height. Very strong and should be good for lifting or hauling. The next one is a slimmer model, but almost as high, he offers mechanical skills and a knowledge of motor vehicles. The last is somewhat smaller but I am prepared to offer a warranty as to his final size. How much do you think they might be worth?

Jerricho
26th Oct 2004, 17:06
Captain?

Oh Captain?!

Where art thou?

MadsDad
26th Oct 2004, 17:28
Interesting problem, Feeton.

The eldest would be a bit big for the mining industry (my dad, who was a pitman, always used to say a good size for a collier was 5' tall and 6' wide) but if he is as strong as you say there could be a market in the motor trade. Particularly if his name is Jack.

If the middle one is slim enough there may still be opportunities in the chimney-cleaning industry, possibly acting as a 'prodder' to get the smallest up the chimneys?