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VFE
15th Oct 2004, 22:06
Hi boyz and gurls...... and Tony Draper,

Been reading a book by one of those notorious rockers today and got to a chapter on 'SEX' where he recounts various sleazy stories from his sexual history.

This got me thinking...... could we start a thread on Jet Blast about the best methods you've used to get someone into bed.... and by the same token - some of the worst methods which against great odds actually worked? I was gonna say "let's keep this clean" but you know what I mean if I say "can we self moderate this one?". ;)

Please don't just tap out random chat up lines - I want stories and anecdotes! Guess one must be forthcoming before the flood gates open up then right?

Worst: After a few too many.....: "would you like to come upstairs to my room and watch 'Later With Jools Holland' with me?"

Best: Working on it. Hence this thread. But it has to be the get 'em drunk method right? :p

VFE.

Onan the Clumsy
15th Oct 2004, 22:10
I find some straw or lucious green grass, if offered graciously, usually does the trick.

Sudden movements are often percieved badly.

candoo
15th Oct 2004, 22:26
VFE if you keep repeating the same line - "would you like to come upstairs to my room and watch 'Later With Jools Holland' with me?" You've no chance.

Or did you mean a few too many intoxicating substances?

Best: It's late, can I sleep in your bed?
Worst: It's late can I sleep in your bed?

VP959
15th Oct 2004, 22:38
I witnessed my (rather uncouth, it has to be said) brother using the immortal words "Excuse me, would you like a f...." several times.

What I found rather surprising was that on many occasions it actually worked. I recall one young lady, who, on being so propositioned by him, replied "no, but I'm quite interested to discuss horizontal metaphysics with you".

I have always been quite astounded by both his nerve and the young ladies quick reposte.

doubleu-anker
15th Oct 2004, 22:58
I say old boy, reading the subject of the thread, I thought you were talking about W******.

Synthetic
15th Oct 2004, 23:15
"I witnessed my (rather uncouth, it has to be said) brother using the immortal words "Excuse me, would you like a f...." several times.

What I found rather surprising was that on many occasions it actually worked."

The main problem with this approach is that the successes are outweighed by the injuries on the times where it doesn't

Personally, I always thought it was an art rather than a science.

Unfortunately, I am a scientist:mad: :mad: :mad:

SyllogismCheck
15th Oct 2004, 23:18
How true candoo they never seem to work the same twice do they as I also discovered when trying the direct approach mentioned by VP959.

Best:
Me: Your incredibly hot! We should f... each other! :O
Her: Ok, can we start with a b... j.. though? ;)
Me (gobsmacked and struggling for words): Ermmm, yeah I suppose so. :8
She was incredibly hot and we did! :E

Worst, inspired by previous success:
Me: Your incredibly hot! We should f... each other! :O
Her (loudly): I'd rather die! :mad:
Me (foolishly trying to save face): Well if you change your mind.... :ouch:
She was actually fairly average and obviously of questionable sexual orientation! :cool:

Theres no science involved. Its a numbers game. :ok:

VFE
16th Oct 2004, 00:10
Recall when I was a student walking into a bedroom at a house party. Young girls sitting on the bed and floor - a glorious picture of nubile nirvana. I find depths of courage/stupidity and ask out loud:

"....so who would like to shag me tonight then.....?"

One by one their hands went up. I went beetroot, walked straight out the room, lost the use of speech for the next five minutes and held my fags all funny.

To this day I still wonder 'what if?'. :bored:

VFE.

candoo
16th Oct 2004, 00:20
VFE Vague as my memory may be one never walked into a bedroom at a student's party, one was either carried, crawled or transported by a tele-transportation technique yet to be refined.

Chaffers
16th Oct 2004, 02:09
Plenty of awful chat up lines to report.

Two in particular stick in my mind due to constant repetition by a 'friend'.

"Sorry honey but I can't help noticing that your boyfriend is a bit of a poof" raised some hackles, though mainly amongst my mates after noticing that her boyfriend happened to be an American rugby player of fairly large proportions.

Second most famous was, "I see that it is Ten to One and you don't have a shag yet".

The second one almost worked once too....

ShyTorque
16th Oct 2004, 08:51
Go for the sympathy and environmental vote. Stand looking into ones wallet, saying things like "Oh, no, I can't believe it, this is terrible" etc.

The young lady will think you have lost money or something else of great importance. She will be compelled to come over to help you. She will ask what is the matter. One must then hold up a condom packet and tell the sympathetic young lady that the expiry date is tomorrow and you are horrified at the thought of the total and utter waste if said articles aren't used immediately.

Any worthy young lady will be sympathetic that you haven't had the opportunity to use them and will quite rightly also be horrified at the cost to the envirinment if they are thrown away tomorrow........ :E

One word of warning. NEVER say that the expiry date is past. She will never take the risk.

True story: Described this technique to a work colleague, whereupon he took out his wallet, removed a tatty looking pack of 3, looked at them, said "Bollocks, 6 months out of date!" and threw them in the bin!! The whole room fell about in hysterics.. Well, he WAS a Navigator....

Blacksheep
16th Oct 2004, 09:43
Actually being interested in the girl sometimes works... :hmm:

Toxteth O'Grady
16th Oct 2004, 12:26
Try these. (http://www.linesthataregood.com/) :ok:

supert300
16th Oct 2004, 19:30
Try this one, it sometimes works.

Hey, my name is supert300 and I am a complete and total idiot.

Astrodome
16th Oct 2004, 23:53
So what does one say to a female?

con-pilot
17th Oct 2004, 00:59
For some reason this never worked for me when I was single.

Me; Hi there, would you like to fool around.

Me; (giving no time for the lady in question to respond) It won’t take long and you won’t feel a thing!

But then again none of my lines worked very well.

Rwy in Sight
17th Oct 2004, 19:53
I am not sure if it has been used before (and the results) but I discussed it under some intresting circumstances...

Male: Do you want me to show you a magic trick(sp) -something a magician does?
Female: Yes what (assuming she is normally curious)?
Male: F:mad: you and then disappear!

Another one to put her in the mood:
Male: How much do you pay for a bra?
Female: xxx GBP/Euros...
Male: If you give me 5 GBP I can hold them for you...



:D

Yours

Rwy in Sight

Notso Fantastic
17th Oct 2004, 22:22
I was once collared in a bar by a stewardess grumbling and grissling non-stop about something I can't remember. All I can remember is she was really pre-menstrual, but quite good looking. All I wanted was to shut her up, so in the midst of full flow, I just cut in and said "Have you ever been licked until you fainted?". It worked. She stopped dead still (and not talking) for several seconds, mouth agape. I thought 'now I'm going to get walloped, but anything to stop that diatribe!' It bloody worked!

Richo77
18th Oct 2004, 02:26
Never had much luck with lines myself, but i have a mate who in our late teens and early twenties could charm the pants off em from across the room.

One of his particular favourites would be to find a well endowed young lass and say "i bet you a dollar (pound, euro, shekel, whatever works for ya) i can make your funbags jiggle without touching them". Intrigued, the girls would agree, he would then take 2 firm handfuls, give them a nice squeeze and a generous jiggle saying "you win" as he flicked them the dollar.

More often than not they would laugh and he would carry on talking to them, with a reasonable amount of success. Naturally the first and last time i tried it i was slapped silly.

Think it must be in the delivery.... he was always a cheeky blighter.

gatfield
18th Oct 2004, 04:30
Notso Fantastic, that's pretty funny, I loved it. I'm going to remember that and use it in appropriate situations, but will change to "have you ever been sucked until you fainted"

Buster Hyman
18th Oct 2004, 05:19
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

I'm a lonely guy...:(

slim_slag
18th Oct 2004, 07:33
Quickest I was pulled... Many years ago when sex was safe, I was standing at a bar in the West End of London when a real hornbag sidled up next to me:

Blonde Goddess with perfect boobs: "What do you do for a living?"
Me: "I'm a medical student"
Young babe who was as fit as the proverbial butchers dog: "I've never slept with a medical student before"

'nuff said

Flytest
18th Oct 2004, 09:36
My big fave is the cream egg gag.. you find a good looking girl showing some cleavage, and then bimble over and with a cheeky grin, ask her is she'll hold your cream egg while you eat it.. Invariably, she will laugh and say ok, so you stick it straight between her norks.. at this point she will either giggle and playfully push you away, but admire your cheek anyway, or she will let you take a bite, and usually let you lick the by now, splattered egg and fondant off her chest.. Two chances of success with this one and it NEVER fails one way or the other:E

Devlin Carnet
18th Oct 2004, 11:21
Richo,
I had a mate like that too,
Not particularly good looking and overweight,
But could get ANY female in the palm of his hand in 5 mins.
Utterly p*ssed me off it did!
Some people can just do it,
Anybody know what it is they have?
Cos I'D pay good money for it.

gingernut
18th Oct 2004, 15:00
I don't want to have sex, but can we cuddle.

Capt.KAOS
18th Oct 2004, 15:17
Not particularly good looking and overweight, but could get ANY female in the palm of his hand in 5 mins.The most erogenous zone zone of the woman's body is still the ear...

my best opening line was and is:



"Hi"

Onan the Clumsy
18th Oct 2004, 15:36
Him: "Have you ever seen a white eared elephant?"

Her: "No"

Him: Pulls pockets of trousers inside out and unzips fly...





Make sure your pockets aren't covered in p1ss stains though :ugh:

M.Mouse
18th Oct 2004, 16:48
Treating them like a human being instead of a piece of flesh is often a good start.

And make them laugh.

MikeJeff
18th Oct 2004, 16:54
My most outrageous was with a girl at work, who came in wearing a t shirt with strawberries pictured all over them...

.."Would you like some cream for those?"

Athena5
20th Oct 2004, 13:52
It's nice to know where you're priorities lie VFE. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

VFE
20th Oct 2004, 14:10
Hahahahahaha! :D

captcat
20th Oct 2004, 16:18
Now Cocos, how come you are always hanging around those shockingly sinful threads if you don't like it? :D

VFE
20th Oct 2004, 18:04
She hangs around cuz she loves it and wants it deep down/up. :ouch:

Cannot argue with that.

One of these days we should exchange emails Anathema5 darling! Deal? :}

VFE.

fishtits
20th Oct 2004, 18:15
Holy crap VFE.... No wonder you're looking for chat up lines - you must be reeeeeeeeeeeellllly stuck mate!!!!

:E

VFE
20th Oct 2004, 18:23
Got a jumpseat ride on a B737 a few years back. The captain asked me if any talent were riding "backstage"....... I looked sorrowful and informed him that this flight had none at all. :(

Captains response?

"Any port in a storm young man". :}

VFE.

SyllogismCheck
20th Oct 2004, 18:34
It's nice to know where you're priorities lie VFE. Bonding leading to reproduction and the continutaion of our kind.
Fundamental I'd say, slightly more significant than a mere priority!
Wheres the problem?
:zzz:

I have another line I could disclose but in light of the offence it may cause perhaps I should keep it to myself.
Sorry VFE!
:}

And did you follow the good Captains advice? :E

VFE
20th Oct 2004, 18:42
I could tell you all exactly what happened on this one occasion but the truth of the matter is: the circles I move in are far too small to allow me more than an 89% chance of getting away with it.

So my lips must remain sealed to avoid causing offence and embarrasment to her and myself. :\

VFE.

SyllogismCheck
20th Oct 2004, 18:56
Forgive my skills of deduction if they are lacking but wouldn't it be correct to say that...The captain asked me if any talent were riding "backstage"....... I looked sorrowful and informed him that this flight had none at all. ....followed by....
I could tell you all exactly what happened on this one occasion but the truth of the matter is: the circles I move in are far too small to allow me more than an 89% chance of getting away with it. .... would tend to imply that in spite of the lack of talent you indulged in ... well, maybe I wont go on! :}

Only her left to embarrass now then! ;)

89%? Is that estimated or calculated I wonder? Very precise.

VFE
20th Oct 2004, 19:02
No comment.

VFE.

bigfatsweatysock
20th Oct 2004, 19:08
I am a doctor, let me try my bedside manner with you.

Think of having sex with me as being like having an injection. Its just a little prick and you wont feel a thing.

Boss Raptor
20th Oct 2004, 22:17
2 ways of playing it - either dominant or nerd - depending on female 'you shower I'll watch' or 'would you like to see my Thunderbirds puppet' seems to work (usually gets response 'ooo you are a nerd bet you've read all the books...hint hint')

A couple of years ago I tried the 'what you doing at the weekend, want a shag' approach with girls in my mates office - got refused until the mad aggressive oirish one ditched her hubby then she took me to the cleaners bigtime, never ever again...it was scary experience!

...or sympathy vote 'my mum hit me as I was screaming when I was 6 weeks old and knocked me off a chair onto a stone floor breaking my skull open and causing some brain scaring....' - explains a lot really - usually gets 'well that explains yr strange behavior' or ' yr poor guy and you are so well adjusted' (mad women) :E

A10 Thundybox
21st Oct 2004, 01:29
depends on your situation

At a bash with a few nurses I had quite a nasty swelling, I asked one or two of them to administer to me.

They (yes plural!) were quite helpful.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

bash at a friends house lots of people staying over and a couple of ladies were going to potentially share a bed, the night was nearly over as they ventured up stairs leaving me to bunk on the sofa (I said BUNK on the sofa!)

"Oh no" I thought "my oportunity has gone" but somehow managed to blurt out as they climbed the stairs leaving me all alone

" if you sleep together everyone will think you're liver lickers"

one carried on upstairs, one stopped thought about it and came back down, gawd bless you Mrs Thundy.

OllyBeak
21st Oct 2004, 01:38
Sometimes you get strangely lucky. Especially when you aren't really trying:

Beak: "Hey, it's you. I dreamt about you last night."

Her: "Did you really?"

Beak: "No. I would have, but you wouldn't let me."

Her: "Oh, I would, you know!"

Ooooer! Goferit.

djk
21st Oct 2004, 05:59
Have to say I've never used any chat-up lines as such.

I've introduced myself asked how they are, etc. some women seemed to go for chat-up lines, some didn't.

If I got shot down, then so be it.

I guess, just be yourself is probably the best thing to do. or if you're drunk, then give someone else's name and move onto another place :D