View Full Version : Judge at a chili tasting competition

3rd Dec 2001, 16:51

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Boston:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here
are the scorecards from the event:"

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy **** , what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting **** -faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

gravity victim
3rd Dec 2001, 19:10

Thank you for reducing me to tears of laughter on a dull Monday afternoon!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

3rd Dec 2001, 19:20

After slicing fresh red-hot chillies to make a tasty curry, do not wipe your eyes, even after washing hands thoroughly several times.

In fact, don't touch any sensitive part of your body with the hand that held the chillies for several days. If you have to go to the toilet, use tongs.

I speak from experience :eek:

4th Dec 2001, 07:16
This is a freakin' classic. Thanks Evanelplus. Damn near pi**ed myself. :D :D :D :D

4th Dec 2001, 08:37
Poor Frank - he is from Boston after all. If you have ever eaten "spicy" food in Boston you will know that it is flat flat flat!!! Absolutely no spiciness to it at all. Ate chili up there once, tasted like flat tomato juice - and it even had beans in it.

While it is a nice story to laugh at, it really has a lot of truth in it. :) :D ;)

Most chili cookoffs/tastings are held outdoors due to the "fart factor". :D :cool: :rolleyes:

You just have to grow up eating this kind of good food so that it doesn't bother you. Yes, you should sweat quite a bit - helps you cool off (evaporation factor) in these hot Texas summers out on the ranch.

Yes, you can make chili too hot even for a Texan if you put too many Thai red chilis, or Scotch Bonnets, in it. 300k Scoville units will get to anyone.

The biggest lie in Texas is saying "that's really good chili" meanwhile your eyes are crossing; your nose is leaking; you eyes are also tearing and you just let go with a fart that killed three Doves roosting in the mesquite tree. You know it is "good" chili when the dogs WON'T eat it.

Y'all do know that really good chili DOES need at least one "roadkill" in it. Preferably two or three days old! :D :p

Try jerk chicken next time in the Carib.

Thanks Evanelpus for the nice story. I too was ROTFLMAO.

dAAvid -