View Full Version : The Skiing Thread.

Tricky Woo
3rd Dec 2001, 13:31
Hi All,

I've noticed that skiing is rarely discussed here in Jet Blast. So, in order to address this sad injustice, I thought I'd start a thread specifically on that subject.

I've just recently taken it up.

Skiing, I mean.

Bought all the usual equipment: planks, sticks, sunglasses and flashy jacket. Everything matches tastefully; Boy, do I look the part. Veteran skiers fell to their knees with admiration for the quality of all my gear.

The trouble is that I can't ski for sh!t.

Nobody informed me that turning is only easy on the flat bits. Nobody told me that turning on the steep bits requires both a stout heart and a profound lack of imagination. That is why your valiant Tricky Woo was to be seen this weekend flying down the steeper slopes of Zermatt, at a breathtaking turn of speed, completely out of control, desperately looking ahead for the next flat bit.

Did well not to run over any snowboarders.

Oh yeah, I also snapped one of my ski poles 'cos I failed to hold it high enough on the chair lift. What a knob. Had to buy a new pair... which doesn't match the rest of my stuff.


3rd Dec 2001, 13:59
Great tricky you will enjoy skiing, now that you are a skiier you hate snowboarders ok - it doesn't matter how many you hit coz they shouldn't be on the same slopes as you any way.

Get a good instructor for a personal lesson to show you the finer points (old instructors are usualy best as the young ones are just play boy/girls there to get drunk and show of).

henry crun
3rd Dec 2001, 14:04
Apart from the problem with your poles, how did you enjoy Zermatt Mr W. ?.
Is access still only by rail and vehicles prohibited ?

I was a regular visitor in my younger years and have fond memories of grand skiing and lively night life. Never could fool the old biddies who guarded the visiting ladies from the elite finishing schools.
On the skiing side the last run of the day from the top of the Gornergrat back to Zermatt was a joy.

Tricky Woo
3rd Dec 2001, 14:50
Mr Crun,

Yep, cars are still banned in Zermatt, although the place has a number of pathetic looking electric buggies whizzing about. I was most contemptuous of them until someone pointed out that they each weight over three tonnes. I've always been rather respectful of heavy things.

The village itself is chocolate box pretty, methinks, although I was too busy looking at all the gorgeous ski-bunnies to give it the attention is deserves. What is it about ski-wear and girls? Even the ugly ones look as cute as buttons.

If anything, snowboarding girls are the babes of the mountains. Strange this, as snowboarding blokes look like sulky teenagers, irrespective of their true age.

Er... nice place, Zermatt.


3rd Dec 2001, 15:18
OK Tricky, lesson 2.

You've learnt that turning exists, no to learn to execute the turn at the very last second, and then to turn around and watch the Gays on Trays (aka snowboarders) wobble and end up as heat of baggy trousers and oversized goggles. :eek:

Turning is actually easier on a steep slope at speed, and then when you've really cracked it in deep powder, but that might be a little way off. ;)

Just keep trying and enjoying. It's like flying, as long as you can talk a good descent then you might just get your leg over, and that is the bottom line. :D :D

I'd rather
3rd Dec 2001, 16:19
Tricky, as a beginner, this is your chance to do your new sport a favour, and take out as many snowboarders as possible (while looking like you didn't mean to, cos you're still a bit wobbly). This is fairly simple, particularly as they are frequently to be found sitting in a line that extends right across the piste just over the brow of any given hill, so there's no time to stop once you've seen them...

Happy hunting!

tony draper
3rd Dec 2001, 16:47
It is a excellent way to learn the Newtonian laws of motion I am informed.
You learn at first hand the reluctance of a body in straight line motion to divert from its course, also the rules regarding the transfer of kinetic energy from a body in motion ect,I understand that kinetic energy transfer,between ie, a ski'er travelling at uniform high velocity and a tree is not 100%.
The body at rest is much less reluctant to move on snow slopes, but once in motion is much more reluctant to halt.
Bugg*r that, why do you young men fling yourselves into these dangerous pursuits?, surviving to Drapers age is hard enough,entropy is always lurking in the background just waiting for a chance to increase your personel chaos, it requires no help, believe me.
Giving up the weed for health reasons one presumes, seems a little futile when you deliberatly seek out danger Mr Woo. ;)

Tricky Woo
3rd Dec 2001, 17:41
Hmm... if I'd known that it was de rigeur to run over snowboarders, I'd have indulged myself freely this weekend. Where is one supposed to contact them first? Back of the knees looks tempting...

Herr Draper has a point: why does an aging bachelor like myself take up skiiing? The answer is simple: peer group pressure. Everyone in this sodding country were born with skis on their feet. I imagine the birthing beds in Swiss hospitals have slalom poles. Ans silly people with cow-bells encouraging the newborn out.


[ 04 December 2001: Message edited by: Tricky Woo ]

Hersham Boy
3rd Dec 2001, 18:26
Skiing, mmmmmmmmm...

In Hersh's dreams he is landing at the altiport at Meribel, stepping out already togged-up, strapping on the planks and skiing down the mountains in the clear, blue sky.

In Hersh's reality, he's sitting at his desk with a cup of tea and too much work to do.

Oh, well... :rolleyes:


Hagbard the Amateur
3rd Dec 2001, 20:54
I've tried both skiing and snowboarding and can't do either for jack doodly squat. I reckon skiing suits me best though - my @rse only flew over my head the once when I fell over. This thing of travelling sideways on a board - nahh - no poles either.
Has anybody ever tried the sledging in CH?
Berguns near St Moritz has a 4km moulded snow downhill Cresta Run for racing sledges - it ain't for pussies. Sledging is the only thing I have mastered here so far.

3rd Dec 2001, 21:12
why do you young men fling yourselves into these dangerous pursuits?

Why herr Draper, I can answer in three words:

Gorgeous Snow Bunnies! :D

Trick, as a beginner, you should not even worry about turning. If possible set yourself up so you go down the slope towards another hill or ski lift / rope.

Stay straight on course, aided by physics, and just wave your arms wildly so that people in your way see you and have time to scatter.

I did this in the states when I started, going between two hills, i would go up one rope, point at the other one across the hill and shoom! Over to that rope. when perfected, you basically can go until you are tired, or hit about 3-4 people. :D

bubba zanetti
3rd Dec 2001, 22:06
After a 10 year hiatus from the slopes I shall be returning to skiing this year ... sprog in tow.
I shall never forget my first day on the "bunny" hill at the age of 17. I managed after three tries to hang on to the rope tow and make it to the top. Pointed my skies down the hill and ... well I couldn't stop. I was headed for the lift line and no hope of turning or stopping. I decided to use my ski pole to arrest my decent. Well, it dug in in front of me driving the handle into my throat ... the pole broke in two places and a sharp edge scraped the side of my neck ... OMG ... nearly impalled me! I couldn't speak for a week due to bruised larynx ... still kept it up and became a reasonable skier ...
I plan to be cautious over Christmas and have numerous chats with myself about age ... age ... and oh yes the ravages of age !
Schuss !!!
I agree about the women ... female skiers are party animals ... yummy bunny !

3rd Dec 2001, 23:58
Ahhh skiing....

757 had his first experiences last year and loved it.
I agree that you need to get a good instructor - the first day we went our instructor was [email protected]#p and we learned nothing. The second day, I actually learned more from one of my more experienced friends and mastered the whole parallel turns and stops.
Filled with confidence, my so called friend advised finishing off the second day's skiing on a black run (not quite as bad as it sounds - this was in Wisconsin, not the alps, but for a beginner like me it wasn't good)...... eeekkk.
Well, all started out fine, until I realised I was going way... too.... fast.... ok, no problems, just gotta turn and weave.....
....any minute now.... soon...... please....
sod it, too scared to even attempt to turn as I know I'll start rolling!

So, 757 is hurtling straight down a black run hill, speeds approaching V1, not daring to move his body, heartbeat going 20 to the dozen, trying to forget that as he has just moved to the States from UK, his medical insurance hasn't come through yet and this moment of sheer madness could end up costing a lot of money! :D :D

By the time the bottom of the hill was near, I could see many, many innocent people about to be knocked over by an out of control 757 on skis, hmmm, think controlled crash to avoid innocents!
I never realised that it was so bloody difficult trying to fall over on skis in a vaguely controlled manner. I decided on the fall backwards, hope the skis come off and come to a gentle rest at the bottom of the hill. But no, very quickly learned that was almost impossible to fall backwards and get the skis to come off at the same time. So unfortunately, didn't really slow down much, but now had the complication of my arms and legs flailing about as I rolled the rest of the way. Luckily my screams of terror caused most people to move out of the way!

Anyway that was last year, this year (just as soon as we get some snow in our unusually mild Wisconsin December) I'm going to try snowboarding - wish me luck! ;)

4th Dec 2001, 03:04
Had the privilege of being part of the world's oldest snowboarding lesson early this year in Park City, Utah. Four of us, combined age well over 200 - instruction provided by the son of one of us! Best part was the video we put together (with audio of the instructor to his father "left edge...left edge...LEFT EDGE....oh for f%&*'s sake!) It was the last day of the holiday so any injuries were not important (like no lift pass to lose!). Not going this season due to eighteen months unemployment and son's marriage last August. Ah well, this will be the first one we've missed in seven or eight years.........

4th Dec 2001, 11:55
Hi fellow skiers,

Been skiing for a good many years despite, my relatively young age of 27. My Uncle taught me as I remember it on a very small slope in Switzerland where the piste finished near enough on top of a road!!!!!! I didn't like it to start with but by the end of the day I couldn't get enough. Due to lack of opportunities there was no skiing for a few years after that but then we moved to Canada where I struck lucky, I used to come home from boarding school for Christmas and Easter holidays and spent most of the time on Snow Goose Mountain (Goose Bay, Lab), not exactly the largest of resorts but fun nevertheless.

Needless to say I caught the bug and that was it, when the opportunity arose I was there. I have had the pleasure of skiing in some excellent place the most recent being Soldeu/El Tartar (Andorra) and South Lake Tahoe (if you ever go there the best place to ski is Squaw Valley, superb).

Don't get me started on Snowboarders, in my opinion the largest nuisance on the piste (and off!!) especially after I witnessed one incident in Andorra a few years ago, I was on a green run and trying my best not to get mixed up with the large snake of learners turning snowploughs across the whole width of the slope, I was skiing at a respectable distance behind this rather nice lady when a snowboarder hurtled past me not really looking where he was going and collided with her knocking them both out for the count. :mad:

Snowboarders beware unless you fancy a large spray of snow in the face or worse then consider others!!!!!!

Bye for now :)

[ 04 December 2001: Message edited by: Bluejay ]

4th Dec 2001, 13:09
Hope you enjoy your new pursuit Tricky. Its the reason that I moved to Zurich. We can go every weekend as opposed to once a year! Whoopee! As for snowboarders, I prefer to be a bit more selective. I only hit them if they are being inconsiderate, the worst of their crimes being to congregate in the middle of the piste just over a drop in the slope, so that they cant be seen from above. And as for the babes, my view is that ski-bunnies are much much better, because they dont have to wear those baggy clothes that make all the snowboarders look like oversize toddlers. Id better stop now as the missus is a gay on a tray as opposed to a two plank [email protected] Have fun and be well insured. Oh and on that subject its a good idea to get this
REGA rescue (http://www.rega.ch)

Tricky Woo
4th Dec 2001, 14:31
Hmm, I think I'm getting the hang of this skier versus snowboarder thingy...

On the tram this morning two snowboarder chaps (plus equipment) were cluttering up the seats ahead. Obviously on their way to the pistes. Either that or posing. Whatever.

Anyway, I watched with admiration as a sweet old dear (80 years plus) climbed onto the tram, then gave 'em the filthiest look I've seen in ages. What a girl. Medusa has nothing on her.

Obviously a skier, huh?


5th Dec 2001, 23:42
Well done Tricky,

It seems that you have mastered lesson 2, and can now truly call yourself A Skier. Welcome to the true snow sport. Now how about a Pprune Ski Bash? Anyone for ZRH?.... ;)

6th Dec 2001, 01:28
:mad: :mad: :mad:

Right don't even get me started you poofs. With yer big plastic boots. And yer silly poles. And yer white one piece powder suits. I'll 'ave the lot of yer on my snowboard. Just love wearing my nice comfy soft boots and racing ahead of the sorry clunking lot of you up the first lift on a morning. COME ON THEN !!!!

Lived in Zermatt for a few months ha ha ski bunnies - now I'm living with one....

Tricky Woo
6th Dec 2001, 14:30
Dear Mr sir,

I most heartily laugh as I go flying past you dead 'ard snowboarders. You lot scared of going fast? Get dizzy, do you?

Bunch of puffs, the lot of yer.

Apart from the snowboard bunnies, of course; they're a delight to the eye.


6th Dec 2001, 15:50
Been there - did both of it ;). I was also lucky enough to start early (with about 2-3 :D ), so you are still used to fall down and the fall isn't that far ;) .
Skiing is definatly the more difficult thing to learn - but worth while. Especially for those watching you learn it *gg*.
And about people being hit by snowboarders... I saw many more hit by skiers so far (and was hit myself)... :( (just had to defent snowboarders :cool: )

My leave starts in 10 days - and it snows in Austria - so I really look forward to going skiing (and maybe snowboarding) for some days :) !

Tricky Woo
6th Dec 2001, 15:56

What's the skiing like in Dubai?


6th Dec 2001, 16:07
Haven't tried it in DXB so far - only Sandboarding. :D It's fun - but nothing compared to skiing on snow on the beautiful mountains we have in Austria! :)

6th Dec 2001, 23:38
dear mr woo

i can assure you my vmax is a lot bigger than yours. but who's comparing. the golden rule, don't eat yellow snow.....

Tricky Woo
7th Dec 2001, 13:46
Mr sir,

If you snowboarders have to use 'V' speeds for your pursuit, then I'll stick to skiing. What's the max glide speed for a snowboard, anyway?


7th Dec 2001, 16:59
tricky let me initiate you

v1 - decision speed - pub or another run
vr - tuck poles under your arms
v2 - maximum speed skiing on one leg
vmca - after pub, speed at which you ski

a skiboot-buckle failure at v1 dictates you will go to the pub.

a binding failure at v1 will lead to a few seconds of fright induced osscillation. v2 is usually reached after 2 or 3 cycles of osscillation, and structural failure of the remaining knee is the general outcome. brace for impact.

if the TCAS (tray-slider collision avoidance system) lights up, it means there are potentially hazardous 'hard' snowboarders lurking ahead. Skiers are advised to ignore the 200m of clear piste either side, and barge through the middle cursing at full power.

a skier reaches vmax when any further increase in speed results in the phenomenon known as turtlenecking. This is also known as swiss-roll. If allowed to continue, a state of 'touching-cloth' is the outcome, and no amount of control input can prevent the inevitable.

have fun out there, and if you're in Zermatt again soon, visit Simi's at Furi and get yourself a Simis-special for lunch.....