PDA

View Full Version : The Key To A Sucsessful BBQ


Hannibal Smith
2nd Jul 2001, 04:00
1. Buy more grub that you and family can eat.

2. Put more coal on the BBQ than you really require.

3. Invite your 'ole folks' round for it.

4. Buy some ear plugs.

5. Refrain from decking your 'ole man' when he tells you that he did BBQs so much better when you were a kid.

5. Bring out the old photos of your 'ole mans' BBQs of yore.

6. Show your 'ole man' that things can be burnt and not incinerated.

7. Go down the local Threshers and buy some more beer for yourself - you're gonna need it!

8. Burn everything and blame it on the 'experts' distracting you.

9. Discuss with the 'experts'.

10. Apologise to your Ma for failing to incinerate everything on the BBQ and 'discussing'.

11. Spend the next hour trying to salvage the 'food' that got strewn across the yard during the 'discussion' with the experts

12. Pi$$ off to the local and talk about how successful the BBQ 'could' have been, if, the 'experts' had not been invited.

13. Laugh.

14. Sup beer.

15. Tell your 'ole man' that if he gets invited to another party again it will be one where he is the centre of attraction and people will be wearing black.

16. Feel sorry for the experts.

I attended this BBQ today and I laughed my pants off untill it got messy. Are BBQs really this important? Discuss.

Just a "JB'd up" reiteration of a BBQ The Hannibal attended today



[This message has been edited by Hannibal Smith (edited 02 July 2001).]

SuperSonic theHedgehog
2nd Jul 2001, 04:06
and for god sakes never try to light it with a hell of a lot of light fluid and then a lighter+areosole can combination

burt a section of the garden a treat

sprocket
2nd Jul 2001, 05:01
This has been on JB before but because it is so true (for me anyway) its worth posting.

Men Barbecuing

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing "It's the only type of cooking a
'real' man will do".
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of
events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women.

ExSimGuy
2nd Jul 2001, 08:17
Knoteetingham Variation:

1. "Trap" attractive blond nurse (as in "Lufthansa", there's "No Stewardesses Available" in my neck of the woods, but a good supply of nurses. Where available, blond hosties can be substituted for nurses :) )

2. Commence filling blond with a "nice light home-brewed red"

3. Fill 3-foot by 1-foot brick-built BBQ pit with 4 bags charcoal, discover you forgot the BBQ lighting fluid, take 5-gallon jerrican of gas from back of LandRover and liberally slosh all over charcoal.

4. Decide that the atmosphere on the back porch is a little to highly inflammable for naked flame so leave it for a while and retire elsewhere in the garden to recommence filling blond. (some red for yourself too) Take another bottle with you.

5. After 3 or 5 drinks, remember we were going to have a BBQ. Charcoal dry again so add gasoline - a bit less this time. Throw on lighted gasoline-soaked rag from the other side of the patio.

6. Spray garden hose on plastic patio awning above BBQ.

7. Spray garden hose on about 20 semi-wild cats that have appeared around the garden hedges (a well-known pavlovic reaction of cats to the smell of burning charcoal)

8. Get out another bottle of red while smoky flames die down, charcoal turns grey and smell of gasoline dissipates somewhat.

9. Place marinaded steaks, sausages, kebabs, on BBQ grill rack.

10. Remove steaks and kebabs, lift off grill rack, burning fingers in the process, fish out sausages which were slightly narrower than the gaps in the grill rack, take sausages indoors to wash off excess ash, return to BBQ where cats have made off with steaks and kebabs. Sigh and have another glass of red.

11. Back indoors for more steaks and kebabs, only to find that the cats have had the sausages.

12. Soak cats with garden hose again (highest pressure setting :mad: ). Leave blond nurse on guard this time when fetching more sausages from kitchen! (and another bottle of red)

13. Place food on grill rack again, remembering to place sausages cross-wise to the slots this time. Baste with paint brush (thoroughly cleaned since being used for Cuprinol on the fence) with virgin olive oil and some of the red.

14. Fetch another bottle, while leaving nurse on guard to fend of scavenging cats.

15. Retire to lawn chairs with the red. Relax.

16. Wake up 2 hours later, food burned, charcoal cold, most of food stolen by scavenging cats - what is left so incinerated that even the cats weren't interested, and decide you weren't hungry anyway. Get another bottle of red :)

------------------
What goes around . . .
. . often lands better!

dingducky
2nd Jul 2001, 08:31
am i the only one who worries about a bbq with someone named hanibal?
what sort of meat is that exactly??? http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

------------------
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Blacksheep
2nd Jul 2001, 08:47
The key to a successful barbeque is to follow these rules:

1. Go to someone elses.
2. Take plenty of cold beer.
3. Do not under any circumstances attempt to eat anything.

Inevitably, one day it will be your own turn. When it is, equip yourself with a barbeque grill, a sack of charcoal, a tin of lighter fuel, an oil drum cut in half, a hundredweight of ice to go in the drums, lots and lots of beer to go in the ice, some wine for the ladies, plenty of raw meat, chicken legs, sausages etc.

Put some paper in the barbeque grill and cover it with a generous layer of charcoal. Just as the guests begin to arrive, light the paper and begin blowing onto the smouldering pile. One of the"experts" will elbow you aside and take over the proceedings, leaving you free to drink all the beer or chat all the women.

(Or both, if you're a pilot... ) :)

**********************************
Through difficulties to the cinema

Release
2nd Jul 2001, 15:47
This isn't mine, but was previously posted by cb747. It's so good, I think it's worth copying to here, just to clear up the bbq 'womens' role nonsense.

(1) The woman goes to the store.

and comes back with nail polish, a magazine, a new wardrobe, more toiletries than will fit in the bathroom and one packet of sausages.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

fixes salad = run a few lettuce leaves under a tap
vegetables = get peas out of freezer and wonders why the man says he cant cook them on the bar-b-q
dessert = woman sits in kitchen eating chocolate gateau while reading earlier purchased magazine.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

i.e. the woman unwraps the sausages, puts them on a tray along with the entire contents of the cutlery draw

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

turning regularly, ensuring all sausages cooked evenly.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

set the table = a plate, a knife and a fork each
check the vegetables = has the man put the peas on the bar-b-q

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

no, the smoke is from the charcoal, yes, it does need to be hot, no it does not need to be lower.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

while all men realise that bar-b-q etiquette requires the individual to select a sausage that is cooked to their liking, stick it in a roll, add sauce and eat (so why do we need the plate, knife and fork that are on the table), women cannot comprehend eating without a plate, knife and fork.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

look, we have already eaten all the sausages and nobody wants that limp lettuce.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

That have only been used to store limp lettuce until it was thrown in the bin.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

her annoyed reaction is due to nobody needing the plates, knives, forks or limp lettuce.

Send Clowns
2nd Jul 2001, 21:11
Well DingDarling it depends which Hannibal. It could be elephant?

------------------
'Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air'

JetAgeHobo
3rd Jul 2001, 00:10
This reminds me of a nasty bar-b-que incident back in STL where I grew up, kind of runs with the other gun control thread.

Guy living in in the downstairs half of a 2 family flat doing the usual Sunday afternoon family bar-b-que. Tenant upstairs smells the food cooking, and decides he's going to help himself.

Now being the one notch up from living in a trailer park he is, the upstairs guy decided the best way to get the food is to go fishing for it. So, he rigs up his fishing rod, drops a line over the side of the porch and manages to snag one of the steaks on the grill.

Guy from down stairs comes out and sees the steak heading skyward to the upstairs tenant, and of cours he's pretty p***sed. So, he goes back in, gets his trusty firearm (type I can't remember) and promtly shoots the steak thief dead. Not being justifiable homicide, the shooter gets 10 to 20 or something like that.

We're pretty possessive of our pork steaks around here.

-------------------------------------------
It's not a matter of where I am, it's a matter of when I am.

DeltaTango
3rd Jul 2001, 00:26
well, call me primitive...but when we bbq there are but two things:
meat and beer.
and NOTHING else, why fill yourself up with alot of [email protected]?
the reason for a bbq is the meat!!!
Don't let the women, vegetarians or any other hostile elements to interfere with this old tradition.(you don't see any salads at the big banquets in Asterix&co)

and yesterday we took it a step further-nothing with wings! no more!
O N L Y M E A T!!!

BBQ

Loki
3rd Jul 2001, 00:55
So why do we do bbqs?

The food is rubbish,you can`t get comfy whilst attempting to eat it, forever fending off wasps and other pests, the weather in the UK is rarely just right, and it makes a mess which a dishwasher can`t cope with. The only sensible kind of party outdoors is one involving lots of alcohol. I suppose one could bring all the gear out and pretend to have a bbq, whilst getting well and truly trousered but that does seem dishonest.

ExSimGuy
4th Jul 2001, 00:07
Loki,

You got my point :)

See "Knoteetingham Variation" above ;)

(No wasps, no rain, Trouble is, there's no beer in Knoteetingham, officially http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif )

Pdub
4th Jul 2001, 05:04
I find all this talk of charcoal disturbing, didn't everyone go to gas years ago? had a BBQ every night this week, the highlight being shoulder of lamb marinated in garlic and soy sauce (lamb on one side of barbie, burners on on the other, swop over 1/2 way)

Even did breakfast on the barbie this morning, BBQ bacon and scrambled eggs on the side burner. Got a funny look from the neighbours mind ;)

pigboat
4th Jul 2001, 06:38
Aaahhh...meat and beer, two of the three food groups. The third being salt...

old_cross_bound
4th Jul 2001, 06:54
4th of July Bar-B-Q, Texas style:

Lots of friends and friendly people then, plenty of baby back beef ribs, cooked slowly for about twelve hours. Sliced pork back, smoked for about sixteen hours, a wife who knows how to make potato salad the right way and plenty of keystone beer and amunition for the pigeons and the crows, a hungry fetching hound to help you clean up afterwords, and pleasantly pleased wife in the hot tub to round off the evening.

http://www.geocities.com/grace24u/4thofjul.html

Slasher
4th Jul 2001, 13:09
Funny thing about Oz-style barbys set by single men:
* You invite everyone but mainley for the chicks
* Guys stand around the barby next to the cook drinkin p!ss while the girls sit elsewhere and talk.
* Everyone then gets together but you cant chat up chicks because everyone has there mouth full, and a verbal-brawl started over at the barby has found its way to the table.
* Chat-up oportunitys are further swallowed up by dirty joke time.
* Further oportunitys turn to sh!t when someone wanders inside and turns on the TV and yells "hey you bastards its the cricket wrap-up!"
* The moment the p!ss runs out everyone says "bye Slash. Great barby mate!" and you still dont know the chicks any better than when they first got there! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

ExSimGuy
4th Jul 2001, 19:17
Gas Barbies . . .

Nah - cheating - and it don't taste right or smell right without charcoal and petol fumes :)

OCB

You bustard - you had my eyes and mouth watering with all that talk of baby-back and other pork products. Pig is [b]the only[\b] meat to barbie - unfortunately it's banned where I live http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

Slash,

Sounds like you have as much luck as I do - except that the chicks never even turn up for mine!! (same result though!!!)

Gainesy
4th Jul 2001, 19:25
Pigboat's recipe gets my vote. Could possibly improve it by lobbing meat to dog.

Blacksheep
5th Jul 2001, 07:38
BBQs are a strictly male fantasy where we play at being cavemen. At the ultimate BBQ the host strides in with a freshly killed wild animal over his shoulder and throws it down next to a blazing camp fire. The guests butcher the beast and roast chunks of its flesh on sticks held over the flames. There are no vegetables. There is also no beer but perhaps several gallons of fermented apple juice with the bits left in.

A more effective method for Slasher to get to know his chicks better would be to invite them, one at a time, to a very expensive restaurant where he has earlier bribed the head waiter to grovel to at least level three - disgusting. Order the most expensive items on the menu and the best wine. (Krug Champagne is particularly effective.) Gaze into her eyes not her cleavage, while agreeing with her every word.

Much more expensive than a Barbie but much more satisfying too. Quality costs money and you only get what you pay for. Cavewomen may have been ready and willing but they were pretty rough too. :)

Barbies are strictly for the apes

**********************************
Through difficulties to the cinema

old_cross_bound
5th Jul 2001, 08:09
Blacksheep,

Maybe you should start a thread on planting, growing, pulling up and eating foot long carrots. But remember, don't cook them with heat, that would be barbaric and uncivilized.

ocb

Blacksheep
5th Jul 2001, 08:30
Eating root vegetables IS barbaric. Grass is more in my line, Baaaaa!

But I can think of an alternative use for a foot long carrot. :)

**********************************
Through difficulties to the cinema

Velvet
5th Jul 2001, 13:58
I guess ocb doesn't quite believe or follow the Bible as much as he claims - or is that only when it doesn't interfere with his pleasure.

Leviticus 11

7
And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you.
8
You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.

ExSimGuy
5th Jul 2001, 23:51
Velvet - check out "Paul's Dream" - which explains why Cristians now love pig-meat (and, because they don't follow the "NT" bit, why the Jewish still don't eat it!)

Looks like OCB's developing a sense of humour (humor - for the Septics ;) ) at last and entering into the Spirit of JB.

I've slagged you in the past OCB, and now being fair with compliments when they are due :)

------------------
What goes around . . .
. . often lands better!

Eric
6th Jul 2001, 00:14
ESG, that's barbies for ya!

old_cross_bound
6th Jul 2001, 04:11
Velvet

I guess ocb doesn't quite believe or follow the Bible as much as he claims - or is that only when it doesn't interfere with his pleasure.
Leviticus 11

7
And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you.
8
You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.

*** "Velvet dear", (as she walks through the kitchen with her frying pan in hand and destruction of whatever crosses her path on her mind) we've got to get you up to date on what Christianity is all about.

It's no longer a split hoof killing religious cerimony, darling. Rom. 8:1 says, we are free in Christ Jesus, and that means free from trying to get to heaven by your own efforts.
You see my dear, eternal life is a free gift from God for those who open their hearts, truthfully, and confess their sin and invite the living God into their life. You'll have to get real with God if you want God to get real with you. He did the leg work for you, fulfilling the law and taking your place on the cross for you so all you need to do is believe, sweetie!

Now put down the frying pan and lets quit talking nonsense and these church institution religious rites and discuss the real person of Jesus who is alive and can hear us here as we think and speak.

***BTW, I'll try to remember to duck from time to time!



ExSimGuy

Velvet - check out "Paul's Dream" - which explains why Cristians now love pig-meat (and, because they don't follow the "NT" bit, why the Jewish still don't eat it!)
Looks like OCB's developing a sense of humour (humor - for the Septics ) at last and entering into the Spirit of JB.

***I'll stay with humor... and bacon, medium well with my eggs over easy, wheat toast and strawberry jam.
They say that pork will kill you but I never knew anyone who died, that it wasn't something that killed them.


I've slagged you in the past OCB, and now being fair with compliments when they are due

***Your a fair dude, man! I'll put you back in the will for now.

ocb

Hannibal Smith
6th Jul 2001, 04:25
BBQs summed up, here goes:

* Drink beer.

* Drink a spot more.

* Call buddies up.

* Buy more beer for buddies.

* Get the nice girlfriends (ain't I sweet?) to cook through the pork and chicken and other meats/ poultry that 'might' kill us blokes in the oven.

* Smack the burgers on the flames and prance around claiming 'we' invented the BBQ and those who complain thou suffer.

* Drink the rest of the beer and blame the burnt food on the 'Mrs'.

Am I right? I know that's what I do, so c'mon let's hear the other blokes admit to it!

My fire - don't mess. Understand? :mad:

[This message has been edited by Hannibal Smith (edited 06 July 2001).]

Boh'ban
6th Jul 2001, 08:50
Romantic or what??

I took a bint out for a feed last weekend and as it's winter, it's a bit chilly for the great outdoors . However, not to be deterred, one of my local thirst quenching establishments has an indoor barbecue whereby you are served your meat of choice by a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a g-string and a smile. The bints all line up with the meat waiting for their turn on the barbie whilst the guys swill beer, play pool and discuss their intentions / dreams with regard to the afore mentioned waitress.

It's got it's faults, but I kin love this place.

old_cross_bound
6th Jul 2001, 09:24
I'm looking for a really good European Bar-B-Q sause for my baby back smoked beef ribs. Any suggestions? Can you add sweet and sour sause to it?

ocb

Co ordination unaffected
7th Jul 2001, 22:46
Remember guys, if you put the barbie too close to the fence, and the fence catches fire, you can always put the blaze out with beer. Preferably beer you drank some time ago.

[ 07 July 2001: Message edited by: Co ordination unaffected ]

Bon Giorno
8th Jul 2001, 13:45
And beef MUST be served rare - as Bazza Mckenzie used to say - "Just bust it's horns off and wipe it's #rse!"