View Full Version : Speeding? Me, Officer??

15th May 2001, 19:33
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

May I see your driver's license?

I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

It's not my car. I stole it.

The car is stolen?

That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

There's a gun in the glove box?

Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Sir, can I see your license?

Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Who's car is this?

It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

Breeding Per Dementia Unto Something Jolly Big, Toodle-pip

15th May 2001, 20:37
Moral of this story:

You're nicked for wasting police time.

15th May 2001, 23:35
Remember when the Pope went on his tour of the States?
He had a flash car to drive him around (he doesn't really trust pilots you know...).
Anyway, his nice stretch limo is driving him across the Texas desert when he leans forward and taps on the partition separating him from the chauffeur.
He asks the driver to pull over and explains to him and that he's never seen a road so devoid of traffic and so straight.
"So please let me have a drive," he says.
The chauffeur is none to keen about this, but then, it is the pope.
The pope duly jumps into the driving seat and tells the chauffeur to get into the back.
As anyone who's driven on I-10 knows, it's a bit tempting and the pope puts his foot down. He's doing 110 mph when the siren/blue lights appear in his rear view mirror.
He pulls over.
The cop walks up and taps on the (tinted) window. Whhirrr, down it comes.
The cop looks at the driver and glances at the hapless chauffeur who is cringing in the back.
He clears his throat and walks back to his car and picks up his radio.
"Base. Help me. I've screwed up Big Time."
Base responds. "What do you mean?"
"Well I've justed pulled a stretch limo doing 110 on I-10."
"So what's your problem?"
"Well it's got one of the most important people in the world in it!"

"Christ knows, but the bloody pope is his chauffeur...."

Apologies if this has been related before.

Capt Claret
16th May 2001, 05:57
Elderly Australian couple, she a hard of hearing nag, are doing the retirement trip through Europe, when they're pulled over for speeding by a policeman in Germany.

Policeman "Goodmorning sir, can I see your licence please"?

HoH Nag *screeches* "What's he saying, what's he saying"?

Driver "He want's to see my licence dear".

Policeman "Ah, I see you're Australian".

HoH Nag *screeches* "What's he saying, what's he saying"?

Driver "He say's we're Australian dear".

Policeman "Ah, I had a wonderful holiday in Australia, many years ago".

HoH Nag *screeches* "What's he saying, what's he saying"?

Driver "He says he enjoyed his holiday in Australia dear".

Policeman "But you know, I had the worst sex of my life in Australia".

HoH Nag *screeches* "What's he saying, what's he saying"?

Driver "He says he thinks he knows you dear". :) :)
bottums up !

[This message has been edited by Capt Claret (edited 16 May 2001).]

16th May 2001, 06:26
Officer stops car weaving down the highway. It contains driver and his wife.

Officer: May I see your licence, Sir?

Wife: If you'll just wait a moment, Officer, I'll get it out of the glove compartment.

Driver: Can't you keep quiet, you stupid woman, he's talking to me.

Officer: Sir, I do think you should speak more respectfully to your wife.

Driver: Give me that d****ed licence.

Officer: Madam, are you all right? Are you afraid your husband may be violent?

Wife: No, No, everything is fine.

Officer: You're sure?

Wife: Oh Yes. He only talks like this when he's drunk.

16th May 2001, 08:25
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">"Christ knows, but the bloody pope is his chauffeur...."</font>

For some reason I have trouble envisioning a texan saying "bloody pope" :)

16th May 2001, 15:13
Okay low n'slow, you got me. Apologies for lapsing into the vernacular! I blame 3/4 of a bottle of fine claret....
By the way, in a different life, I was tugged on I-10 doing 79 mph. I was let off a ticket because the highway patrol chappie was a huge a fan of....Are You Being Served! This shows you how long ago it was.
He reckoned that it was best telly programme ever and in 100 degrees on 1-10, just outside Van Horn, TX, he was prancing around the hard shoulder doing impressions of Captain Peacock and the camp chap played by John Inman.

Hersham Boy
16th May 2001, 17:03

With both these posts you have cheered me up more than finding Denise Richards beside me in bed brandishing a tub of whipped cream and a six pack of cold Peroni.

And for that, I thank you. :)

Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way

Feeton Terrafirma
16th May 2001, 19:07
Officer: Do you have a reason for speeding Sir?

Driver: umm no not really, I hadn't realised I was going so fast because I was talking on my cell phone

Officer: do you realise that it's an offence to use a cell phone while driving?

Driver: ummmm............

True story - he was my boss at the time :)

Flood Control Victim

16th May 2001, 19:17
Policeman pulls over young man for speeding at a Speedtrap. Leans into the window and says in a sarcastic tone

"79mph in a 30 limit, we've been waiting all day for you Sonny"

Young chap with a sheepish smile says

"Well I got here as quick as I can"

When Plod finally picked himself up of tyhe floor he let the young chap go.....Allegedly

Aluminium Importer
16th May 2001, 19:47
No cun*s on me drugstable....

16th May 2001, 19:52
Hersham Boy,

I've never been compared to Denise Richards before! Mrs Angels will have a large chuckle over that one.

I will save the 'Farting Song' incident on the north side of the Chesapeake Bay bridge for another thread....

PS This is being written at 1454 zulu and I bet Hersham ain't sunny!!....


You run and you run
To catch up with the sun
But it's sinking....

Edited to add Dark Side of the Moon Lyric. God, this claret is good....

[This message has been edited by angels (edited 16 May 2001).]

16th May 2001, 22:45
Acquaintance stopped speeding in his Jag on the 401. The OPP approached only to find out to its discomfiture that the driver was on the right hand side. That corrected, OPP invited acquaintance to give his name. Answer: "Bond, James Bond". It went downhill from there.

Acquaintance had part time job as singer/ guitar in local combo. Playing at tavern he espied local Provincial Court judge leaving, and broke off chanson to make witty remark about drinking and driving, and concluded: "Nothing personal, Your honour".

Came the day of the trial, same judge. No sign of recognition. Acquaintance elected to act for himself. Maximum fine imposed. As he reached the door to leave the court, judge looked up: "Nothing personal,Mr ............."

Co ordination unaffected
17th May 2001, 03:25
and racing around to come up behind you again

Hersham Boy
17th May 2001, 14:04
I apologise for moving completely off-thread, but I am just pleased that my blossoming from Teenage Dirtbag to full-blown Pink Floyd-humming butterfly has been noted.

I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set and I think I need a Lear jet

How beautifully appropriate...

Hersh Waters

Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way

Feeton Terrafirma
17th May 2001, 15:10
Davaar, you really need to find a new acquaintance. The last one was definitely blonde. ;)

Flood Control Victim

17th May 2001, 17:19
You may think that, Feeton, you may think that, but I could not possibly say so. Acquaintance no longer, alas, plays the guitar, a great loss to the tavern- patronising members of the lower judiciary, not since he lost the tip of his right index finger. Really, though, that accident with the butcher knife could have happened to anyone.

As for the limp, it has almost disappeared now, and anyway it takes only a split second for a motor-mower to remove a toe, especially when you are wearing sandals. I submit, Your Honour, that few would disagree with that proposition.

As for the imbroglio with the Archbishop, that was no more than a trifle of Church discipline, nothing to do with doctrine, and besides it was never denied that the priest was a lush, I beg your pardon, Your Grace, a recovering alcoholic.

17th May 2001, 18:27
The sun is the same, in a relative way
But you're older....

Jeez this could turn out like the limerick thread. Care to start up a Floyd thread Hersham??!!

20th May 2001, 17:39
"Top 10 things Not To Say To A Cop when you get pulled over"

10. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

8. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?

7. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

5. Officer says, "Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You respond with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

3. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

21st May 2001, 01:04
Shorter of breath,
and one day closer to death!

best version is on "Delicate Sound of Thunder"


21st May 2001, 01:06
golden hands, I think you are in the wrong topic, you sad Pink Floyd fan.

21st May 2001, 01:10
oh no i'm not sad. I'm just with (the) Angels, although not death yet! ;)

Old_Egg_B did you meet a certain Mr Prescott not so long ago?

[This message has been edited by golden_hands (edited 20 May 2001).]

Mr moto
22nd May 2001, 01:59
So this guy in a high performance car sees the blue lights behind him. He eases the accelerator down a bit and quickly loses the cop.
Further down the motorway his conscience gets the better of him and he pulls over and waits for the policecar.
The policeman, who should be going off shift soon offers the guy a break.

"If you can give me one good reason why stopped that I haven't heard before, I won't give you a ticket."

Driver thinks for a moment then says, "OK. My wife left me last month for a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back!"

"Here, you can go!"

I had my licence photo taken out of focus on purpose.
When I got stopped the policeman looked at it gave it back and said I could go.

2 and 70
22nd May 2001, 03:39
Woman gets pulled over for speeding... Traffic Policeman puts on his hat, walks over to car where she's already wound the window down to talk.

Woman: Are you going to sell me a ticket then?

Policeman: Er...sell you a ticket?

Woman: Yeah - Can you sell me a ticket to the Traffic Policeman's Ball?

Policeman: But madam Traffic Policeman don't have Balls.

Woman: Quite...

...and drives off uncharged!