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Tricky Woo
26th Sep 2001, 16:15
========================================
(FLASHBACK)

A wizened old man with white hair and comedy moustache looks down kindly on a very young Tricky Woo:

Master: Ah Grasshopper, you must walk across the scattered sheets of Sunday newspapers WITHOUT leaving dents in the paper, and WITHOUT leaving dirty newsprint footsteps all over the kitchen floor.

Grasshopper: I will try my best, Master. I will try my best.

========================================
(NOW)

My name is Tricky Fu, and I am a Kung Fu warrior. My uncanny martial arts skills are both my joy and my sorrow; I must use them wisely to confront and overcome the evils of this world.

As I walk the earth aimlessly, explore new lands, meet new peoples, learn (badly) new languages, I often remember those formative years that taught me my special Kung Fu skills. Those skills that have come in proper handy over the years, let me tell you.

Yes, this life of wandering is a lonely one, but one that I embrace with joy. You see, every new day is different, every new person is interesting. Also, whenever I meet a baddy, I get to show off my almost supernatural Kung Fu skills, just like what David Carradine did on the telly.

But my skills also cause me much suffering. n I'm not sure why, but we Kung Fu warriors are supposed to suffer from time to time, so I thought I'd stick that bit in.

Follow me in my adventures: see me walk into seemingly respectable places; see me root out the nasty people that are probably hiding somewhere in there; follow my slightly implausible plots; admire my dead clever Kung Fu skills...

...FOR I AM TRICKY FU, THE KUNG FU WANDERER!!!

========================================
(FLASHBACK)

A teenage Tricky Woo is finally leaving home, but must first pass the final, most terrifying test: learning to cook.

Master: Grasshopper, the time has come for you to leave the Kung Fu school.

Grasshopper: Yes Master.

Master: You must move that pan of boiling baked beans from the cooker to the kitchen worktop.

Grasshopper: Yes Master... Aarrgghhhhhh!!!! F**k! F**k! F**k!

Master: You will always have those scars on your wrists to remind you of your time that you spent here. That is the sign of a true Kung Fu warrior.

Grasshopper: F**k! F**k! F**k!

Master: And also to remind you to always use oven gloves.

Grasshopper: F**k! F**k! F**k!

Master: And now you are to be known as Tricky Fu. You must walk the earth, putting the wrongs of Mankind right.

Tricky Fu: F**k! F**k! F**k!

========================================

To be continued...

flapsforty
26th Sep 2001, 16:58
That Swiss mountain air is a wondrous thing! :D :D

Tricky you are a "F**King" marvel. :)

OzExpat
26th Sep 2001, 17:40
... and the pig got up and slowly walked away :p

Velvet
27th Sep 2001, 00:03
I agree with Flaps - Trickster the world of Prune would be a sad place without you.

You are indeed 'A Tricky Fu Kung Master'

[ 26 September 2001: Message edited by: Velvet ]

RW-1
27th Sep 2001, 02:09
ROTFLMAO ...

So what channel was runnin the David Carradine festival Trick ?

Hehehe ....

Slasher
27th Sep 2001, 10:36
As a matter of facty I know a loan-shark in HKG called Tricky Fu. Actualy hes Fu Chee Fatt but we all call him Tricky because he is.

Tricky Woo
27th Sep 2001, 20:18
Tricky Fu's journey continues as he walks the earth alone, fighting evil, defending good...

========================================

(Scene opens on Tricky Fu walking into a rather large bank with its headquarters in Zürich.)

Man in Suit(Posh voice): Hello, I don't know you.

Tricky Fu(Slight Manc accent): Er, 'ello.

Man in Suit: Who're you then? Are you new on the project?

Tricky Fu: My name is Tricky Fu. (Aside: International IT Consultant and Kung Fu warrior). I've just joined.

Man in Suit: I work for McKinsey Consulting.

(Tricky Fu eyes the man's perfect Hugo Boss suit, expensive, cuff-linked shirt, Gucci tie and beautiful, Church shoes, floppy haircut and clean-shaven chin. It figures).

Tricky Fu: I'm from the UK...

Man in Suit (A bit distant): Hello.

Tricky Fu (Bright smile): Hello again.

Man in Suit(Very distant): Yes?

Tricky Fu (Tries a joke): And I have the misfortune to be one of the few people on this project that has any experience in Banking and Brokerage...

Man in Suit (Distant): Yes.

Tricky Fu(Desperate to find some common ground): ...and I'll be the one designing the new eBrokerage's IT systems...

Man in Suit (Distant): Yes, yes.

Tricky Fu: ...it's dead 'ard, that, designing brokerage systems... (mumbles to a stop)

(Man in Suit eyes Tricky Fu's crumpled suit, crap shirt, Next tie and scuffed shoes. Damn).

Man in Suit (Distant): Interesting.

Tricky Fu: I'm from Manchester.

Man in Suit (Distant): Ahh... yes...

Tricky Fu: Sorry about that.

Man in Suit (Distant): Well I have to go now because I'm talking to this new chap, Tricky Fu. Bye.

(Tricky Fu is feeling somewhat confused).

Man in Suit (Attentive again): Sorry, where were we?

Tricky Fu: Er, what?

Man in Suit: Oh, I see: You thought I've been talking to you! I was on the phone the whole time. I have one of those nifty ear-pieces for my mobile, plus I hide the phone and switch in my suit pocket for extra discretion. No McKinsey consultant would be seen dead without one. They're cool, you should get one.

Tricky Fu (weakly): Ok.

Man in Suit: Gotta dash, welcome on board.

========================================

(Flashback)

Master: The time has come for you to learn how to fight like a true Kung Fu warrior.

Grasshopper: But Master, did you not say yourself that for a true warrior, violence is unnecessary?

Master: The hand must be soft, but also hard. A soft hand will not be respected unless it can also become hard as steel. A steel hand will not be respected unless it can also be soft. That is the way of the Universe.

Grasshopper: But Master, to fight like Kung Fu is a dangerous affair; how will I practice these skills?

Master: Ahh Grasshopper, this is why your parents provided you with a younger brother.

Grasshopper: You are indeed wise in all things.

========================================

Hagbard the Amateur
27th Sep 2001, 21:46
:D :D :D
ROFL
Walking on this path through similar culture, I think I can sense the Tao of what Tricky Fu is on about. Good luck in your quest, warrior.

jazzi
28th Sep 2001, 06:22
Having heard that Tricky Fu (the legendary International IT consultant and Kung Fu warrior) was at large, the Panel had called a meeting to discuss the possible repercussions on the PPRuNe social scene.

Reddo: (Aus acc.) ...but is he cute?

Velvet: We have no positive Identification Reddo, Sir...Ma'am. Just a photograph of a small white dog.

Jazzi: (Carefully studying said picture of dog) ...And his purpose is?

Reddo: Apparently fighting evil...they say.

Velvet: At a bank in Zurich? I hardly think so. ( Goes in search of Merlot)

Jazzi: IT consultant?....Hmmm....(still studying photograph) I recognise this dog.

Reddo: HUH?

Velvet: Oh Lord.....(drops Merlot)

Jazzi: No NO! ...nothing like that....I recognise the dog I tell you... but with his hair like that there is no way he will get a job at a bank.

[ 28 September 2001: Message edited by: jazzi ]

Paterbrat
29th Sep 2001, 19:14
The small white, cute but scruffy, dog with an eyepatch(cribbed from another program, but in red silk as opposed to black leather) moves uncertainly into huge imposing marble hall. His front paws alternetly clinking and clicking. One is of steel the other, normal, just has long unclipped claws.
He has suspicion that the smooth suave individual that is now hurrying away was somehow looking down on him, but his excuse had been plausible enough.
He would definitely look into the phone thing though, it could be cool. Now then, was he a dog or was he a cricket,or indeed something else entirely, he must remember these things, it could be vital in the coming struggle.
All those years of practice on his younger sibling must not be wasted.

ExSimGuy
29th Sep 2001, 23:54
VELVET !

You dropped the Merlot :( :( :(

Where I come from, that's known as alcohol abuse

(if you can find any Merlot ;) )

ExSimGuy
29th Sep 2001, 23:58
naked ESG takes honorable and ancient lotus position with head between thighs in order to slurp Merlot from the carpet - Fu King Tricky, does that impress?)

Tricky Woo
1st Oct 2001, 15:42
========================================

Grasshopper: Master, when can I learn to chuck and catch those round spiky things?

Master: Grasshopper, only the most senior of Kung Fu pupils can throw or catch such weapons.

Grasshopper: But why, Master?

Master: For they are extremely dangerous. A warrior must be able to hear the hiss of the air as it approaches, see the glimmer of light as it spins, then catch the spinning disk between finger and thumb. The slightest miscalculation will remove your hand, a bigger mistake and the spinning disk will tear into your flesh.

Grasshopper: I am not afraid.

Master: No, for you are young. Beware of such foolish bravery, as it is not the way of a Kung Fu warrior. And anyway, you could 'ave yer bleedin' eye out wi' one of them things.

Grasshopper: I understand Master, thank you.

Master: But for now you must practice with your fellow students by chucking Rich Tea Biscuits at each other. That is the path to wisdom.

Grasshopper: Thank you Master.

========================================

RadioFlyer
3rd Oct 2001, 18:12
More! More!

Eagerly awaiting the next installment,
RF :D

Tricky Woo
3rd Oct 2001, 19:22
Hold on tight, folks, 'cos this one's a long one...

****************************************

(1:00am, Thursday night)

Tricky Fu, the Kung Fu warrior is walking down Langstrasse, the red-light area of Zürich. He is accompanied by a group of drunken colleagues, including the infamous Nigel S. Well, Nigel would be there, wouldn't he, seeing as this is his leaving do.)

Colleague 1: Where the f**k are we go-go-go-going to g-go now. Hic.

Tricky Fu: Hic.

Nigel: I wanna see some tits.

Colleague 1: Tits?

Tricky Fu: Hic.

Colleague 2: Tits?

Nigel: Oh boy, my leaving do, and I'm with the only two blokes in Europe who've never seen a pair of tits. Yes tits! Just like your mother used to make.

Tricky Fu: Hic.

(An unusually speechless Tricky Fu gestures towards a rather lurid doorway, trying to communicate to his colleagues that that is the nearest gateway to the Land of Tits...)

Colleague 1: I think Tricky Fu is trying to tell us something.

Colleague 2: What is it, Tricky Fu? Has the mine collapsed? Are there people trapped?

Colleague: 1: Hic once for yes and twice for no.

Tricky Fu: Hic.

Nigel: F**k him, let's go in there and see some tits.

Tricky Fu: Hic.

****************************************
(Later, 2:00am)

Colleague 2: TWENTY FRANKS FOR A SMALL GLASS OF BEER? F**k this, I'm going home.

Nigel: No you're not, you tighter f**ker.

Tricky Fu: Hic.

Colleague 1: I really must learn Russian one of these days.

Nigel: Christ! Look at the body on that Russian bird... what I could do with that.

Tricky Fu: Hic.

(An impossibly gorgeous Eastern European girl sidles up to Tricky Fu. She pushes her taut, lithe body against him, then starts to breathe softly into his ear. He may be p*ssed as a rat, but he's only human)

Tricky Fu (releasing a cloud of beer breath): Wha-wha-wha-t's ya-your n-name?

Russian Bird (not even flinching): My name is Olga.

Tricky Fu: Wh-where f-from?

Russian Bird: I am from Ukraine.

(My arm is getting bruised by her hard left tit).

Nigel: F**king hell, look at the bird Tricky Fu is chatting up.

Colleague 1: F**k!

Colleague 2: F**k!

Tricky Fu (trying to sober up fast): I am from England.

(This is said as clear as a bell. Truly, he is a mighty Kung Fu warrior. I defy anyone else to sober up that fast. I did have an incentive, mind you: f**king, perfectly beautiful).

Russian Bird: You must buy bottle of champagne for me. Only 500 francs. Is cheap, da?

Tricky Fu (staring at her perfect body): Sounds like a bargain to me.

(500 franks is about 200 quid).

Nigel: That's enough of this place, let's go.

Tricky Fu: Wait, I'm going to buy this Russian bird some champagne...

Nigel: No time for that, we're off to see some different naked women.

Tricky Fu (ruefully): Ah well, I'm too rat-arsed to shag anything, anyway.

****************************************
(later, 3:00am)

(In a strip joint filled with gorgeous girls, the remaining three of us were rather confused as to the raison d'etre of the fat ugly bird that was currently stomping her way through her performance. She is NOT pretty. Her large breasts have just be freed, rather as one would free two bags of shopping. Nasty, nasty stuff).

Tricky Fu: I have to say that she is the ugliest stripper that I have ever seen in my life.

Nigel: And that's saying something.

Tricky Fu: One word: why? Why in a place full of beautiful stripper do they let a monster like that on the stage?

Nigel: The world is indeed a mysterious place, full of unimaginably richness, vibrant colours, art, love, harmony...

Tricky Fu: ...and fat ugly strippers, apparently...

Nigel: ...beauteous maidens, sophisticated ladies.

(The fat ugly stripper has only her panties remaining. The three of us wince as she begins to remove them).

Tricky Fu: Wow!

Nigel: Well, look at that.

Colleague 1: I have to say that I've never in my life seen anything like that.

Tricky Fu: F**k!

(The stripper has revealed what can only be described as a collection of bric a brac dangling from her unmentionable parts. There are ankh's, jewellery, crosses, lucky charms, mobile telephones, a bucket, a rabbit's foot, iron and ironing board, you name it)

Tricky Fu: How on earth does she ever gather the courage to sit down on a tram?

****************************************
(later, 4:00am)

(Nigel and Tricky Fu are the only one's still remaining. They've just been chucked out of yet another strip-joint 'cos even strippers, pimps and whores have to sleep sometimes).

Nigel: You tired?

Tricky Fu: Me? Hell, no...

Nigel: I know a place we can go.

Tricky Fu: I thought you might...

****************************************

(later, 8:00am)

Tricky Fu: This is the best f**king leaving do I've ever been on.

Nigel: I f**king love you, mate, I f**king do.

Tricky Fu: I f**king love you too, mate.

Nigel (To a VERY rough looking whore): You free, darling?

Rough Whore: Si.

Nigel: Let's go then.

Tricky Fu: Er, bye.

(Nigel and Rough Whore hop into a taxi).

****************************************

(later, 10:00am)

(Tricky Fu demonstrates his superhuman abilities to turn up at work, no matter how fearsome the previous night's debauchery. Truly a mighty Kung Fu warrior. Feeling as rough as boots, though, it has to be said. He picks up his mobile phone to call Nigel to tell him to get his act together 'cos our boss has yet again called a 2:00pm meeting at zero notice).

Phone: Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring- ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring- ring-ring-ring-ring.

(Par for the course, I'd say).

****************************************

(later, 3:00pm)

(Tricky Fu has survived the meeting. Feeling rough? Don't make me laugh... he's a Kung Fu warrior, and can survive anything... but this. Jesus!!!! Tricky Fu spots that there's a message on his mobile. The following answering machine message quote is verbatim, 'cos I've committed it to memory...)

Phone: You have ONE new message. (beep)

Nigel: Hello?

(pause)

F**king answering machine...

(pause)...

f**k...

(long pause)...

nothing to say, really....

(very long pause)...

er...

(turns to Rough Whore who's still with him)...

do YOU have anything to say?...

(muffled Brasilian voice speaking lengthily in Portuguese)...

thought not...

(pause)...

f**king carnage.

(click)

Phone: You have listened to ALL your messages

****************************************

(later, 6:30pm)

(Tricky Fu's phone rings...)

Nigel: Hi mate, sorry I didn't get in today.

Tricky Fu: I wish I hadn't, you lucky sod.

Nigel: Fancy a beer tonight?

****************************************

Everything I have written is true.

It was that sort of project.

I miss Nigel more than any of you can imagine.

TW (sniff)

tony draper
3rd Oct 2001, 21:11
The old man sat at the table, the bare room,stark
in the light of the single bulb suspended from the ceiling
the mans face lined with years of hard living,
his tired,eyes world weary,cynical, eyes that had looked
at the world for many years and found it wanting.
a small white dog with a reddish patch around
the eye lay asleep between his feet.
The almost silent foot steps approached and stopped
at the door,CRASH the door was hurled back against the
wall, the whole room shook with the violence of the blow .
The man stood in the doorway, the dim light from the stair well
silhouetting his broad shoulders, he reached up and ripped off
his shirt revealing a torso of unimaginable hardness, pectorals
etched above the ribbed stomach.
"I am TW, of the Zuricha Tong old man,for twenty years I have
trained and hardened my body for this moment".
With a blood curdling ki ie, his body leapt into the air the foot lifting
to a impossible angle kicking out the light bulb that was eight feet
from the floor, the room remained dimly lit from the small window,
as the man landed landed lightly on his feet, the small dog slunk
away from under the table.
"I shall end your miserable life with the forbbiden Mawashi Tobi Geri,
old man ,feel honoured, fifteen years it takes to perfect this technique,
for I am a graduate of the Great Sholin Monastery of Honan".
The old man let out a sigh of resignation and nodded his head,
"Short speech for one of you chaps", he murmured "normally I get a
half hour lecture on eastern philosophy, sick him son"
The mans eyes opened wide in horror and he spun around,the body of
the small Jack Russel flung out almost horizontal with the centrifugal
force of the spin, the teeth clammed tightly on his buttocks not giving one bit
The mans mouth emitted another nerve tingling ki ie, as he franticly
tried to remove the small white nemesis hanging off his arse,his
frantic efforts masked the double click.
KABOOM,the sound was deafening in the close confinment of the room, the mans eyes opened wider in shock,
turning inward in a vain attempt to see the hole that had appeared
between them.
"The forbidded Colts Patent Firearms manufactoring Company of Hartford Conneticut
son, didn't take me bloody twenty five years to learn either, comeon pooch,
lets get a carry out, you know son, one of these days we'll be in real trouble, they'll send a darts player after us".
The small dog wagged his stumpy tail and led the way out of the room.

[ 03 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Paterbrat
4th Oct 2001, 06:06
Tricky, it's nights like that in Zurich that eventualy made me stay close to my room. And occasionaly I Still! get into trouble.

I probably... no never saw the hardware!

Tricky Woo
4th Oct 2001, 13:50
Paterbrat,

As you know, Switzerland is a very conservative, boring place.

That was a 'school night', too. Can you imagine what we get up to on Saturday nights?

TW

Tricky Woo
4th Oct 2001, 14:06
========================================
(flashback)

Grasshopper: Master, I have a question.

Master: Then you must ask your question. The Universe is indeed a confusing place for the unenlightened, one the one hand there is Yin and on the other hand there is Yang. Without Yin and Yang being in balance, there is only doubt and pain. Unless Man questions the Universe, then Man will remain unenlightened...

Grasshopper: Yeah, yeah, whatever. The thing is that I was chased home from school today by a small, yappy dog. Why is it, Master, that I fear small dogs, while I have no fear for large dogs?

Master: Hmm, that is indeed a difficult question. Perhaps you do not fear small dogs so much as recognise the fear that they have for you. When there is fear present, there is hate and anger, which leads only to violence...

Grasshopper: What're you on about?

Master: ...so you must contain your fear for small dogs, which will help them to learn not to fear you...

Grasshopper: Not much use when the little b*stards start biting my ankle.

Master: ...that is the path to enlightenment.

Grasshopper: Right. So next time I just Kung Fu kick the little f*cker in the gob?

Master: Indeed you must.

========================================

Paterbrat
6th Oct 2001, 06:24
The small white dog had removed his red silk patch. His last few days had been impossibly frenetic. He had lost two teeth while being whirled around hanging of a bad dude's arse, and suddenly and inexplicably kicked viciously in the gonads by a small shifty looking oriental smelling overpoweringly of stale drink that he had inadvertantly been walking near.
The world suddenly had become a menacing and unfrieldly place. He felt that it was definitely time to lay low for a bit. It was no doubt, he ruefully thought, probably nemisis punishing him for the childhood bullying of his smaller littermate.

Velvet
6th Oct 2001, 21:28
Having bought a few more bottles of Merlot and other assorted alcoholic drinks, and sent a silent apology to Exsim, Velvet hurries back as the sun sinks slowly into the Western sky (she is safe from the Swiss Bankers until night - for everyone knows they shrivel to dust if the sun touches them).

Finding a small red-silk patch on the ground, she sees a scruffy white dog, crouched pathetically in a corner. 'Oh, you're the dog that Jazzi mentioned, cum'n then I'm on my way there'. Standing up, she mutters 'must do something about that hair'.

He spots the booze and perks up, and then with a wag of his short tail, he trots happily alongside to meet the famous lovely Jazzi, little knowing what he is getting into. As long as he has booze, gurlz and a soft bed he's up for it.

At least he'll be out of the way of Kung Fu IT Consultants





Master say 'Dog who gets Fu King kicked should avoid Grasshopper after night out with Nigel

[ 06 October 2001: Message edited by: Velvet ]

Paterbrat
7th Oct 2001, 04:02
Every cloud it appears does have a silver lining. While nursing an incredibly tender set of masculine accessories and having disgustedly ditched the rakish red silken eye patch which had caused him to misjudge nearly every situation he had encountered while wearing it, he had now been accosted by an extremely sympathetic lady who was holding out the promise of something a lot more interesting than the vicious martial arts kick to his most delicate parts.
Life he decide was indeed a roller coaster, and if it was on the way up right now, he was only too happy to jump on board for the ride.
All thoughts of the things he would like to do with the oriental grasshopper who had so abused him were fading from his mind as he trotted interestedly along beside the lady with the armfull of clinking bottles. Parties he liked and he could smell a party looming up right now

Paterbrat
10th Oct 2001, 04:15
He had patiently trotted further and further and still no action had been encountered. The little dog was beginning to get puzzled. The journey which had begun with such promise was now suddenly filled with uncertainties.
His curiosity remained unsatisfied but strong. If the lady with the bottles wasn't going to a party after all, perhaps he would be better off going back and trying to see where the small oriental martial arts chappie had been going to. After all he owed the nip a nip for the Kung Foo Kick to the unmentionables.
With a last longing look at the as yet undecanted Merlot that clinked on into the sunset, he turned and began to make his way to the BlackOut Dojo in Kloten where the inscrutable midget had been heading.

Tricky Woo
10th Oct 2001, 14:11
========================================
(flashback)

(A teenage Grasshopper is pleading with the all wise Master)

Grasshopper: But why, Master?

Master: The ways of the Universe are mysterious.

Grasshopper: Yeah-yeah, whatever, but WHY?

Master: There is Yin and also there is also Yang...

Grasshopper WHY MASTER!?

Master: Ok, because motorcycles are unnatural and dangerous to even the wisest of King Fu warriors.

Grasshopper: But Master, I am young, and you've always said that the Great Buddha watches over drunks, fools and impetuous youth.

Master: ...er...

Grasshopper: Also, you said that a true Kung Fu warrior must be able to conquer his fears.

Master: ...er, did I?...

Grasshopper: You also said that I must learn to control the powers of both animate and inanimate objects.

Master: ...yes, well...

Grasshopper: So I can't see ANY reason why I can't have a motorbike.

Master: I see. You are growing older, Grasshopper, and also stronger. Soon the Master and pupil will be the same, indistinguishable. I too grow older, but unfortunately weaker. That is the way of the Universe. The pupil becomes the Master, the Master becomes the pupil. Soon you will be ready to leave this place, Grasshopper, and to take charge of your own life, to explore the world, to meet foreign peoples and to spread the wisdom of the King Fu ways. Until then...

Grasshopper: Yes, Master?

Master: You live under MY roof, and if you so much as go near a f**king motorcycle, I'll cut you f**king boll*cks off.

========================================

Tricky Woo
10th Oct 2001, 18:05
(Tricky Fu is a 1st year at the University of Salford; a rather grim university in a rather grim area of a rather grim city in northern England).

Little Sue: I just can't believe that that b*stard just gave me 35% for my essay, when I worked all weekend on it. What the hell does he know about industry? I bl**dy well worked in it for ten years.

Tricky Fu: U-huh.

Little Sue: That b*stard has spent his whole life in a classroom. Who the hell does he think he is? B*stard.

Tricky Fu: U-huh.

Little Sue: I'm SO ANGRY, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

Tricky Fu: Maybe I can give you some advice so you can calm yourself down. All this anger and frustration isn't going to get your mark changed...

Little Sue: He's a b*stard!

Tricky Fu: ...and we've all been cooped up in this miserable place for too long...

Little Sue: (grumble)

Tricky Fu: Come on, Sue, it's springtime, we're lazy students, the world outside of Salford is a beautiful place. It could be a lot worse, we could still be working for a living.

Little Sue: Hmm.

Tricky Fu: Why don't you dig your hiking boots out and go walking in the Pennines. You're always saying that you love it up in t'hills.

Little Sue: Not sure if even THAT will cheer me up.

Tricky Fu: Just imagine, you hop into your car and drive up past Glossop and up to the top of the Snake Pass...

Little Sue (sulky): Won't work.

Tricky Fu: ...you climb out of your car, smell the fresh air, smell the heather and long grass...

Little Sue (pouting): Won't work.

Tricky Fu: ...you then spend twenty minutes putting on your boots, lacing them up, bitching that they're not right and then relacing them...

Little Sue (A brief smile, then back to the pout).

Tricky Fu: ...then you stride up into the hills, enjoying the walk, watching nature at its best...

Little Sue (jokingly pouting now): Hmm.

Tricky Fu: ...then you spot a number of sheep, spread chaotically across the hillside. Remember, this is spring, the wee lambikins are as cute as buttons this time of year.

Little Sue: Yeah.

Tricky Fu (mock Attenborough voice): And then, there! A curious lamb approaches you, in spite of its mother's warning cry. It stands before you, swishing its cute little tail, all snow white and new. Maybe it leaps backwards a foot or so because of a distant cry of a crow.

Little Sue (cheered up): Ok, but what if that doesn't work, and I'm still all p*ssed off.

Tricky Fu: You kick its f**king head in.

Paterbrat
11th Oct 2001, 21:19
The little dog shuddered as he listened to this cold blooded little monster attempting to seduce this poor innocent student into his wild perverted ways.
This was obviously what they meant when they spoke of the 'Silence of the Lamb' it was pretty bloody obvious to him that the poor wooly little begger would be silent having just had his head turned to jelly by one this little monster' Kung Foo kicks, as his poor nuts could well testify. He hadn't been comfortable walking for a week and his bark was still a trifle higher than he either thought natural or desirable.
He had had a devil of a job tracking the swiss grasshopper here from Kloten, and for a while the trail had been very cold, fellow had probably been lying up somewhere with a bloody great hangover he wouldn't wonder.
He wondered how the dame with the armfull of bottles of assorted Plonk had got on, promised a party she had, he had definitely heard her mention one, then she had gone marching off with never a backward glance. Hadn't even made any move to pop the cork on one of those babies. Ah well it was a hard cruel world out here and one just had to look after oneself. Thank god he had got rid of that stupid bloody eyepatch, Red Silk, what on earth had he been thinking of. It was that stupid program with the dog and a black eyepatch that had done it, got him thinking it was cool. He had bumped into more stuff than he ever had as a newborn pup.
Now what was this dude up to, to listen to him go on anyone would think he wanted to get into this girl's... the fiend. Of course that was his plan. How was he going to save her, this was going to be tough. What would Lassie, who any self respecting dog knew was a laddie, have done? Think, think!

Celtic Emerald
12th Oct 2001, 20:13
Brilliant TW

You're some wit. I laughed myself silly :D

Emerald

jazzi
15th Oct 2001, 12:15
Jazzi: You found the dog!

Velvet: Yeah ( Placing armload of Merlot on the bench and searching through the bottles) ..it was....ermmm...her somewhere. Cute little fella...seemed keen to tag along but then I stopped to reload and....oh sh*t!(Exits left, running).

Reddo: She left him at the bottle shop didnt she?

Jazzi: I beleive so...(picking up telephone and dialing)
Brrrrp Brrrrrrp ( ringing)
Click!
Ahhh Feeton yes...Velvet...uhuh...uhuh....yessssss....on the account?...( groan)yes yes yes anyway...did she leave a small dog there?

Feeton:If you are referring to the independently moving doormat that ate the corks out of 17 bottles of my finest red and lifted its leg on the keg.....last seen heading east yelping something about being a lethal weapon.

Jazzi: Thank you Feeton....Click!

Reddo: I guess she lost the dog then?

Jazzi: Yup

Reddo: But we have booze?

Jazzi: Yup

Reddo: Sweet then. So...this dog?...was he cute?
------------------------------

Velvet: ( Tearing down hallway flinging open doors and looking briefly in each room gritting her teeth and calling sweetly....)
Heeeeeere Tricky Tricky Tricky....you B*stard
_________________________________

Tricky Woo
17th Oct 2001, 20:00
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(Flashback)

(A thirteen year old Tricky Fu is trying to skip Kung Fu practice for the evening...)

Grasshopper: But Master, there's a school disco on tonight!

Master: The true Kung Fu warrior must make sacrifices on the long road to enlightenment. Enlightenment does not come easily, there is toil, there are sacrifices, there is long contemplation.

Grasshopper: But Master, have I not worked hard over the years? Have I not studied the fine arts of Kung Fu? Can I not walk across the Sunday Telegraph without leaving footprints? Can I not chuck a digestive biscuit at my younger brother with deadly accuracy?

Master: Indeed you have worked hard, but many, many more hardships await you. The road is long, and you have taken but the first steps.

Grasshopper: But all me mates'll be there, and everything.

Master: But Grasshopper, your friends are not on the same road of enlightenment as yourself. You have been selected by fate to become a true Kung Fu warrior. One day you will leave this place and follow your destiny.

Grasshopper: But I don't want to follow my destiny! I wanna go out with me mates and drink a can of Colt 45... that'll keep my pissed for the entire evening. Great stuff that... tastes like sh*t though...

Master: Such stimulants are unnecessary for the enlightened.

Grasshopper (sulkily): Yeah, but one day I'll be out of here, and I'll smoke and drink and screw and no one will be able to stop me... and I'll purposely fail all my exams... and I'll get the first girl I meet up the tub... I'll buy a motorbike... I might even turn out queer, just to p*ss you off.

(pause)

Master: Er, maybe the road to enlightenment can include a trip to your school disco.

Grasshopper: Ta muchly... Jenny Unwin'll be there, and she's promised me a snog and a grope of her tits.

Master (to himself): F*ck me, they grow up fast these days.

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