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View Full Version : Friends with ex. lovers: possible?


Natterjack
13th May 2001, 23:37
In your opinion, is it possible to be friends with ex. lovers? I am finding it exceptionally difficult with my ex. gf (and the one before that, actually), as we tend to always argue.

What does everyone think?

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I spend most of my money on beer and women; the rest I just waste.

Tartan Gannet
14th May 2001, 00:07
I am now far better friends with my ex wife than during the final two years of our marriage which was like living in the Balkans.

Flypuppy
14th May 2001, 00:32
Only women seem to want to be friends after a relationship has met its end. Pointless excercise really, [email protected] her best mate or sister and see if she still wants to be friends...

I really should have been a Relate counsellor, don't you think? :)

[This message has been edited by Flypuppy (edited 13 May 2001).]

Natterjack
14th May 2001, 00:47
lol Pup. I always listen to you, but most of my relationships end in disaster. Perhaps your advice and disaster are connected? :) (kidding, of course)

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I spend most of my money on beer and women; the rest I just waste.

Bendo
14th May 2001, 02:11
I find that the longer lasting and more "committed" the relationship, the harder it is to maintain the friendship afterwards. I also find that these long-lasting relationships ended in bitter acrimony and gut-wrenching heartache with shattered dreams scattered liberally on the floor.

I am friends with all the girls I saw at High School and Uni, and I am delighted that I reckon most of them will be close friends for life.

Of the girls that were "marriage material" *shudders as he considers his close escapes*, I cannot really stand any of them. Simply too much water under the bridge.

Good luck Knackerjack.

tunneler
14th May 2001, 03:05
be nice to her but keep it quite distant - that means you can get to **** her every now and again when times are lean :)

Works a treat :) (and remember you know what she likes already and how much ground you can cover with her - saves a fortune in dates etc)

Happy hunting :)

The Fokker's chocka ocker
14th May 2001, 03:07
It depends on which diabolical female deed brought on the break-up.
Remember, friends are people in whom we place our trust. If that trust is breached, that person was never a friend.
Can't be trusted = acquaintance. At best.

Natterjack, surely this isn't the one whose mother was impressed with your toilet ettiquette.

If it was entirely your fault, do you care?


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solly ocker she's chocka

[This message has been edited by The Fokker's chocka ocker (edited 13 May 2001).]

ExSimGuy
14th May 2001, 10:02
Like TG, my wife has now been my ex-wife for 15 years and we've got on very well as friends for the last 14 :)

Send Clowns
14th May 2001, 12:36
It's possible - get on well with two ex-gfs and one ex who may be back soon. Watch out though - they still have some power if any feeling is still there. Really struggled when one started seeing a good friend of mine, mostly 'cos it threw my then disasterous love life into stark contrast, and cos I know what he is like. OK now I know how he's treating her and now my love life has a possibility of sorting itself out!

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'Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air'

Hersham Boy
14th May 2001, 16:17
Natter dearie

You sounds troubled, luvvie.... hmm... hmmm? Don't be sad sweety... let her go. You know the song, dearie - "If you love someone, set them free..."? Hmmm... hmmm? Sting was right luvvie - amazing, but true.

Now, a little bird tells me you've got the GatBash coming up sweetie... lots of elibible young laydees, luvvie? Hmmm? Hmmm? Better off without her, Natter dearie. More money to spend on beer, hmmm?

Don't forget to buy my friend Hersham Boy lots of drinks, eh. He's a lovely boy.

Auntie Hersh

Bird Strike
14th May 2001, 16:55
I think some distance would be good, at least for the first year or so after break-up.
It also depends on the circumstance of the break-up, as well as the level of commitment that you had during the relationship. If you were just bonking without much emotional involvement, it shouldn't be particularly difficult, but if you were emotionally attached, you and your ex may both find it difficult to stay in contact.
Also, when you enter into a new relationship, your new girlfriend may not entertain the idea of you being close to your ex, so IMHO it's important to be considerate to everyone's feelings (including your own).

OzExpat
14th May 2001, 18:39
Geez, seems I'm always running into at least two ex's during my short, irregular returns to Oz on a sanity break. I'll be walking down the street, or standing listening to the group playing in City Place at lunch time, when I'll feel a tap on the shoulder.

Sure enough, it's one of me ex's. We sit down and chat over coffee. Then we got our separate ways. They all know each other and have often tried to "fix me up" with a date. I keep agreeing to them, but they never seem to work out - I'm beginning to suspect that "the goyles" is tellin her things that give her a false impression of me. But I'm still friends with all FIVE ex's in Cairns!

And, yes Bendo, all were very serious relationships when they were going. Two of them went for quite a few years. In each case, the separation at the end was amicable and mutually convenient. Reckon that's the big secret!

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Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

Baggy
16th May 2001, 16:25
I have to agree with OzExpat's "big secret" - if the end is amicable and mutually convenient then there's no reason why you shouldn't be friends.

New partner's can find that hard to understand though. :rolleyes:

RampTramp
16th May 2001, 18:34
OzExpat has it right. I've managed to stay friends with 2 ex wives & various girlfriends that I see occasionally. The tricky bit is just after the break-up when both need a bit of space before you can settle into the the old pals act. As others have said, getting the new girlfriend to accept your ongoing 'thing' with ex's is the other difficult thing. That said, it 'ain't worth going through the process if you're going to argue. Futher, you also need to be a dead smooth git like me to get away with it at times. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/cool.gif
Good luck Natter.

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I'm not old, I was just born too early

The Guvnor
16th May 2001, 20:25
Unfortunately, my ex wife and my last ex girlfriend both turned out to be bunny boilers so in their case I can safely say that no, I am not on speaking terms with either of them.

It seems that the old saying holds true.

Don't scr*w those you want to remain your friends.

f40
16th May 2001, 22:16
Never having ended a relationship acrimoniously, perhaps I'm biased.
But I've remained friends with the lot of them. :)

Having started discovery of the myriad miracles of sex & love at the tender age of 15 with a dewy faced lad of the same age who shared both my ignorance of, and enthusiasm for the ongoing research, I'm now Godmother to the kids of the splendid man he grew into.
Last year I was "best man" at the wedding of the guy I lived with for 5 years before getting married to someone else. I was honoured he asked me for the job, but not surprised as we're still best mates, despite living an ocean apart.

I reckon that if a person was worth sharing your life, your mind or even only your body for the night with, there must have been something worthwhile you had in common! :)
And who knows you better than an ex? Who easier to talk with? NO appearances to keep up, and no distracting sexual attraction to muddy up the waters. Whose shoulder better to cry on when existence sucks? What heart more generously happy for you when life goes your way?

I've had one-night stands turn into easy friendships over the years, and the "long-time-relationships" exes have become buddies for life.
My kids have an array of doting uncles :) and my life would definitely be poorer and paler without "The Exes"!


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Singularly Simple Person........

Tinstaafl
17th May 2001, 04:12
What a lovely description, F40.

WildBill
17th May 2001, 05:28
Nicely put f40!! I am always trying to explain that point of view to friends. I am friends with 'all' my exes, although that has caused grief with g/friends on occasion..

mriya225
17th May 2001, 07:24
F40,
You're a better woman than I can be under those circumstances.

It's too upsetting for me to be all "palsy" with men I used to care a lot about, or worse, be in love with. I mean what are we gonna do? Have lunch and see movies or go shopping together? Hey, maybe we could really grind the salt in the wound and you can introduce me to your fabulous new girlfriend (but only if you promise to glow blissfully, as I've never seen you before)--I think not...
Yes; I still care. No; I don't want anything bad to happen to you, but stay away from me anyway.

I know it's a thoroughly weak position, but that's the way my relationships crumble I guess.

Natterjack
17th May 2001, 15:57
Upon reflection, I believe it probably is possible to remain friends with ex. lovers. But one musn't assume the tension, anger and upset between both parties will ease up soon after the spilt up. It takes time - and a lot of it - for feelings to be put in the past and for one to continue one's life.

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I spend most of my money on beer and women; the rest I just waste.

Flypuppy
17th May 2001, 16:10
Does she have a sister though?

OzExpat
17th May 2001, 17:09
My ex's have been an occasional source of consternation. Example ... I'm out with a girl I've just recently met and, somewhere thru the evening, bump into an old flame. A bit later on, maybe bump into another one.

They will greet me almost like their current lover and, of course, they NEED to meet my new "hot prospect". Now, it ain't as if the new "hot prospect" doesn't realise that I had a life before I met her, but even I can see how such encounters would grate on the senses!

I'm almost (but not quite) at the stage of asking them to pretend to not know me when they see me out somewhere with someone new. The reason I say "almost" is that, over the years (as the list of ex's has grown), we've become a sort of mutual support group for the tough times. At different times, they've all cried on my shoulder about a love gone wrong. And I've done my share of crying on their shoulders too.

So, all in all, it works out pretty well for all of us. Two of them are married, two are in steady relationships and the other one has just done some shoulder crying with me, via e-mail.

One night, a couple of years ago, I bumped into an ex who'd jst been stood up on a date. She was in a real state, I can tell you. So I gave her some dinner, a few drinks then took her back home. No, nothing other than that, coz we be mates! :)

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Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

Evanelpus
17th May 2001, 20:02
Beautiful words F40 (by the way that's my all time favourite car).

Anyway enough jibbering, the only way I want to comunicate with my ex is through a Medium!!

traveler
17th May 2001, 20:18
She sure makes it sound perfect.
I've been able to have a few relationships and consequent break-ups that were that honest. With a result like Flaps describes. But there were also a few not so honest. When betrayal is involved, how can you still respect that person. Or call him/her a friend ? Time may heal all wounds, but does it also make you forget ?

f40
17th May 2001, 22:51
Trav some thoughts on their way to your mailbox.
Tinnie & Bill humble thanks for kind words.Mriya not better, just different crumblings mate.
Evanelpus agree with you on the F40, gorgeous machine. But my current username is an abbreviation of "flapsforty", the previous aka which does not seem to work at the moment. :)

Firestorm
18th May 2001, 01:12
My current girl friend has remained great friends with her ex-boyfriend (they were together for 8 years), and I was a mate of his before they split up, and knew his current girlfriend before they got together. In fact we are all good friends and often meet in the pub and get very well. Mind you we live in the country, a long way from a town....

bird on the wire
18th May 2001, 01:24
Call me cynical, but I've found that the closeness of the friendship is directly proportional to the desire of one party to get it/back together with the other one

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they bought their tickets - they knew what they were getting into

mriya225
18th May 2001, 01:43
Flapsforty,
You don't have to make it sound like something better than it is, on my account sugar. I know it isn't very "cool" of me to cut ties completely with men I used to be intimate with, I just can't help myself.

I think it has something to do with how readily you show your emotions too. I'm remarkably (okay, sickeningly) reserved in real life; I store a whole lot of love for people inside and don't gush about it often. When they go away (for the good or not) it's like losing a piece of myself (though I'd rather scoop out my eyes with a mellon baller than let the world know how much it effects me). I just perfected the art of avoidance instead.

Sad thing is, that same dynamic probably makes me just as hard to date as it does to break up with... Although, I'm happy to report that it also creates some kind of chemical starch blocker that prohibits me from doing that whole "bunny burning" b.s., that the Guv referred to earlier, too. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif !!!

OzExpat
18th May 2001, 16:27
Okay, okay, I admit it ... I'm dim. Maybe it's coz I live so far from civilisation, but ... WTF is "bunny burning"?

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Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

The Fokker's chocka ocker
18th May 2001, 17:05
"Fatal Attraction" scene where Glenn Close is cooking some wabbit in the big pot.

While on the movie theme, oz expat, your experience sounds reminicent of "The Crying Game".

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solly ocker she's chocka

DeltaTango
18th May 2001, 22:08
exex are exes for a reason.....they are historie!!!!!!
Maybe I'll grow up one day.... :rolleyes:

to follow up on Ozexpat-WTF is bunny burning?!?!?!

OzExpat
18th May 2001, 23:42
TFco

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">your experience sounds reminicent of "The Crying Game".</font>

Ahhhh, this must be the voice of experience. I haven't seen that movie.

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Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

The Fokker's chocka ocker
19th May 2001, 07:13
OzExpat, was just a play on words referring to all the crying on shoulders that goes on.
You may not appreciate the inference on similarity to the movie. Just remember, if you do see it...was in jest.

D.T. Bunny Boiling as one earlier victim of the psycho-ex termed it, was referring to the movie "fatal Attraction".
For some aural examples of this phenomenom :


http://www.psychoexgirlfriend.com/voicemails.html

Has been posted here before, but, lest we forget!


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solly ocker she's chocka

tony draper
19th May 2001, 11:01
A'/ oops sorry posted this on wrong thread. ;)

[This message has been edited by tony draper (edited 19 May 2001).]

combi pilot
19th May 2001, 12:52
I agree with DT, exes are exes coz they're history.. but the circumstances are different for everyone. F40 seems pretty chipper with her exes so that's great.

But personally, it's difficult for me talk to my ex. At best, I put up a civil front. Of all the love and emotion invested in a relationship and only to be run to the ground later, doesn't do much for me. I'm over it but maybe there's just too much water under the bridge.

Can you respect a person who shared your love and your life with you and then throws it all away? It's difficult but I'm still trying.

Baggy
20th May 2001, 03:11
I guess it really must depend on the circ's. I imagine if I hadn't been the one doing the splitting, that my post would have contained a different message! poo

But, you know, I'm glad - 'cause we're friends, and I guess that's what relationships are all about for me (...apart from the sex thing! - which is v v v imp. ;) )

dingducky
20th May 2001, 07:57
well my sister managed it.
back in her university flatting days she broke the old rule of don't screw the crew.
but the trouble began when a new flatmate moved in and she ditched flatmate #1 for flatmate #2.
well it broke that happy little flat up.
but she did end up friends with #1 and is still with #2!
as for my ex's they are deceased or whereabouts unknown.


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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

OzExpat
20th May 2001, 08:50
TFco... it's sometimes difficult to know how to interpret a post. The written word can be too powerful, I suspect, due to the lack of visual communication (ie body language). This could be one of the reasons why D+G ends up with a padlock every once in a while. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif

I can now see what you were getting at. Not having seen "The Crying Game", the image it conjured up in my mind was a different perception of the reality you describe. Thanks for the clarification.

Thanks also for the URL on psychos. Geez, some people really don't have a life, do they? http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif So, okay, that's what bunny burning/boiling is all about. I guess that the term would make even more sense if I'd seen "Fatal Attraction". What can I say ... I live in a cultural backwater! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

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Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

kabz
20th May 2001, 09:38
I had better. My only friends are ex-girlfriends.

Natterjack
20th May 2001, 12:10
Well, after last night's shenanigans, it would seem that it is unbelievably difficult to talk to and be friends with ex. girlfriends.

I am suggesting that they play a game to test your reactions. This prank involves deliberately pulling your friend (!) who is totally intoxicated simply to make you jealous - how pathetic and totally unnecessary. If one reacts maturally and appropriately, then one has 'won'. If, however, one acts immaturely and stupidly, for instance by getting so wound up by someone as to hit her friend (male), then one has probably lost.

In consequence, the inevitable question is: why, if the girl suggested being friends, does she act so unkindly and so remarkably inappropriately?

Despite all the problems which are likely to occur from a recent split, I do sincerely believe time heals; after a period of time, one's anger and upset will disappear. Hence, I am suggesting that it is possible to be friends with ex. girlfriends, but only after a period of time.


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I spend most of my money on beer and women; the rest I just waste.

[This message has been edited by Natterjack (edited 20 May 2001).]

traveler
20th May 2001, 13:46
a long one.

DeltaTango
21st May 2001, 02:22
natter-agree, she said byebye....and yet she spends a HUGE amount of energy on making you jelaous....****ing frustrating-girls:
does this mean that she still wants us or......Farking what?!??!!!!!!!

friends???
I don't think so-maybe civil as has been suggested here by someone.

mriya225
21st May 2001, 04:52
Guys, don'tget caught down in the dumps... Get with the cruels!

Firstly, your relationship may have been the unwitting victim of the "I have to break up with you to keep what little sanity I have left, after the Chuck Yaeger-like stress testing you've put me through, but you'll always be *special to me" demise.

*special: Usually refers to terrific sex, unless your breakup is the result of her finding out you were bonking another woman (all post-breakup snubs and punishments are fair under these circumstances--provided they're lawful). It could also mean that she has some meager admiration for your ability to successfully resist her total domination of your body, mind & soul (Warning: this motivation should not be suspected casually--it's strictly reserved for the super-psycho-bitch populace of womanhood).


OR

You may simply be doing battle with the only thing more beastly, for some, than the grief of mourning a relationship in shards like so much glass... her ego. This is a tactic commonly employed by the "I'm the prettiest girl you've ever dated" women.
You know her, you love(d) her, she's the high maintenance little princess. And by God, you won't forget it--EVVERRRR!!!

http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif



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"You did WHAT"?!

OzExpat
21st May 2001, 18:57
'kin 'ell Mriya, do people really go thru those scenarios? http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

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Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

rho
22nd May 2001, 05:19
.....the jury is still out on that one....

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"...It's life Jim but not as we know it....."

mriya225
22nd May 2001, 07:45
Sweet Ozzie,
I'm afraid it's all too true... http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif

OzExpat
22nd May 2001, 18:07
Well, okay, you've convinced me ... I'm definitely better off hidden away in this out-of-the-way pocket of the planet. Although, I DO know of a few expats here who've been knifed by an ex! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

One was shot by an ex, using a home-made shotgun. Her first shot demolished a large part of his right arm. On the second shot, the gun misfired and blew up in her face. She was quite unrecognizable afterwards...

Thinks ... and some folks wonder why I don't go with local girls here... http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

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Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!