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jimgriff
3rd May 2004, 19:09
In the 60's and 70's there seemed to be a plethora of comedy songs, i.e. "My Brother" by Terry Scott and "Dont Jump off the roof , Dad" by?.
Others that jump to mind is "Hole in the Ground" by Bernard Cribbins and "Camp Granada" byXXXX.

Questions:
1. Can anyone think of others?
2. Can anyone supply the words?
3. Anyone know of a compilation of these?

lineboy_nz
3rd May 2004, 19:19
I say don't drink and drive
You might spill your drink
Before you get behind the wheel, just stop & think
You can take your chances
But there's so much to lose
Another bumpy road,
There's so much wasted booze

I'm not so worried
About how many I kill
I'm much more concerned
With how much beer I spill

(instrumental break)

35% of accidents
Are cause by pixilated
The other 65% are not
Alcohol related

What does this tell us
About the drunk drivers
They seem to have a
Better record than
the sober team

I'm not so worried
About how many I kill
I'm much more concerned
With how much beer I spill
With how much beer I spill
With how much beer I spill

its a punk song

it gave me a laugh

lets have a cheer for the sober team!

The Filth
3rd May 2004, 19:28
Wasn't Camp Grenada by Alan Sherman?

There was one about the Red Barron, and so-called humerous songs by a group called the Barrons(?) or similar.

Ernie - Benny Hill

Not a song, but there was one about a driving lesson Stewpot used to play on the kids show at weekends.

Davaar
3rd May 2004, 19:34
Mr Filth, here it is:

SNOOPY VS. THE RED BARON


Achtung, jetz wir singen zusammen die Geschichte over den
schweinkopfigen Hund und dem lieben Red Baron ..

After the turn of the century
In the clear blue skies over Germany
Came a roar and a thunder man had never heard
Like the screaming sound of the big war bird
Up in the sky, a man in a plane
Baron von Richthofen was his name
Eighty men tried, and eighty men died
Now they're buried together on the countryside

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more
The Bloody Red Baron was running up the score
Eighty men died trying to end that spree
Of the Bloody Red Baron of Germany

In the nick of time, a hero arose
A funny-looking dog with a big black nose
He flew into the sky to seek revenge
But the Baron shot him down; "Curses, foiled again!"

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more
The Bloody Red Baron was running up the score
Eighty men died trying to end that spree
Of the Bloody Red Baron of Germany

Now Snoopy swore he'd get that man
So he asked the Great Pumpkin for a new battle plan
He challenged the German to a real dog fight
While the Baron was laughing, he got him in his sight

The Bloody Red Baron was in a fix
He tried everything but he'd run out of tricks
Snoopy fired once and he fired twice
And that Bloody Red Baron went spinning out of sight

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more
The Bloody Red Baron was running up the score
Eighty men died trying to end that spree
Of the Bloody Red Baron of Germany

Well, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more
The Bloody Red Baron was running up the score
Eighty men died trying to end that spree
Of the Bloody Red Baron of Germany

The Filth
3rd May 2004, 19:36
jimgriff
2. Can anyone supply the words?

Camp Granada
by Adam Sandler

hello mudda, hello fadda
here i am at camp granada
camp is very entertaining
they say we'll have some fun when it stops raining

i went hiking with joe spivy
he developed poison ivy
you remeber leonard skinner
he got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner

all the counslers hate the waiters
and the lake has alligators
and the head coach wants no sissies
so he reads to us from something called uylesses

i dont want this, should i scare ya
but my bunk mate has malaria
you remember jeffery hardy
they're about to organize a seaching party

take me home, o mudda fudda
take me home, i hate granada
don't leave me out in the forest
where i might get eaten by a bear

take me home, i promise i will not make noise
or mess the house with other boys
o please don't make me stay
i've been here one whole day

dearest fadda, darling mudda
how's my precious little brudda
let me come home, if you miss me
i would even let aunt bertha hug and kiss me

wait a minute, it stopped hailing
guys are swimming, gals are sailing
playing base ball, gee that's bedda
mudda fudda kindly disregard this letter!

Davaar
Mr Filth, here it is:

SNOOPY VS. THE RED BARON

Thank you. That came out in between \'66 and \'68, when I was a brat living in Singapore. My brother got a copy for his birthday and I played it daily. You have brought back happy memories. Thank you :D

IB4138
3rd May 2004, 20:43
The Lumberjack Song...Monty Python.

I've Never Known a Nice South African...Spitting Image.

Star Trekking.

Lon More
3rd May 2004, 20:54
The Fith group is called the Baron Knights, I think they are still active doing parodies of various hit numbers

others I can think of: Eat It; anything by Dr. Demented; Cosmotheka did a couple of LPs of old Music Hall numbers a few years ago.

chiglet
3rd May 2004, 21:36
"Ringo" by Lorne Greene
watp,iktch

Duckbutt
3rd May 2004, 22:16
When I were a nipper the old fella next door had a collection of 78's with songs dating back to the music halls.

Lots of George Formby, but the ones that stick in my mind although I havn't heard them for many years were 'If It Wasn't For the Houses in Between', 'Half a Pint Of Ale' both by Gus Ellin and the funniest of all (to an eight year old) 'Ain't It Grand To Be Bloomin Well Dead' by Nat Jacklin (I think).

Anyone else ever come across these?

autosync
3rd May 2004, 22:32
the original Man in Black, Johnny Cash with "a boy named sue"

My Daddy left home when I was 3 he didn't leave much for Ma and me just an old Guitar and an empty bottle of Booze.........

And the Anthem by Kevin Bloody Wilson, which should be beaten into all of us since we were 6 years old

"Do you F*** on first dates?" does your dad own a brewery, can I feel your tits or will you show them to me.............

amanoffewwords
3rd May 2004, 23:07
I'm quite partial to Flanders & Swan from the 60s.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Gas Man Cometh:

'Twas on a Monday morning
The Gas-Man came to call;
The gas tap wouldn't turn - I wasn't getting gas at all.
He tore out all the skirting boards
To try and find the main,
And I had to call a Carpenter to put them back again.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do!

'Twas on a Tuesday morning
The Carpenter came round;
He hammered and he chiselled and he said: 'Look what I've found!
Your joists are full of dry-rot
But I'll put it all to rights.'
Then he nailed right through a cable and out went all the lights.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do!

'Twas on a Wednesday morning
The Electrician came;
He called me 'Mr Sanderson' (which isn't quite my name).
He couldn't reach the fuse box
Without standing on the bin
And his foot went through a window - so I called a Glazier in.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do!

Twas on a Thursday morning
The Glazier came along,
With his blow-torch and his putty and his merry Glazier's song;
He put another pane in -
It took no time at all -
But I had to get a Painter in to come and paint the wall.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do!

'Twas on a Friday morning
The Painter made a start;
With undercoats and overcoats he painted every part,
Every nook and every cranny,
But I found when he was gone
He'd painted over the gas tap and I couldn't turn it on!
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do!

On Saturday and Sunday they do no work at all:
So 'twas on a Monday morning that the Gas-Man came to call!


Link (http://www.nyanko.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fas/index.html)

BALIX
3rd May 2004, 23:12
jimgriff

Don't Jump Off the Roof Dad was 'sung' by Tommy Cooper. I thnk the chorus went something like this:

Don't jump off the roof, dad
You'll make a hole in the yard
Mother's just planted petunias
The weeding and seeding was hard
If you must end it all, dad
Why don't you give us a break
Just take a walk to the park, dad
And there you can jump in the lake.

My Brother had some, or all of the following lines:

Who keeps maggots in a tin
Who plays the jig on his violin
Who's been getting at the gin
My brother
My brother says it was not me
Who put shampoo in Grandma's tea
My brother says that it was me
My brother's rotten.
He looks just like a chimney sweep
But dirt they say is just skin deep
I know he's good when he's asleep
But you don't know what he's dreaming about, do yer?

See, all those Saturday mornings listening to Junior Choice with Ed 'Tosspot' Stewart weren't wasted.

Not quite in the same league, but I've got an old single somewhere called 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please'. A point for anyone who can name the group and a bonus point for anyone who can name the B side. In fact, two bonus points are on offer as I think there were two other songs on the EP.

spork
3rd May 2004, 23:30
That well-known group: Splodgenessabounds. Something about a plumber on one of the other tracks?

reynoldsno1
4th May 2004, 00:17
John Otway & Wild Willy Barrett - "Really Free"....

chiglet
4th May 2004, 00:26
One or two I heard at school......
The Baby Has Gone Down The Plughole.. [tune unknown]
What We Wanmt Is Woad [Tune, "Men of Harlech"
watp.iktch

pigboat
4th May 2004, 00:39
The Iqualuit (formerly Frobisher Bay) Song
(They're Coming To Take Me Away)

Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave because I'd go berserk?
Well you left me anyway and then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone completely out of my mind.

And they're coming to take me away ha haa
They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha ha
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me away ha haa.

You thought it was a joke and so you laughed
You laughed when I said that losing you would make me flip my lid
Right? You know you laughed I heard you laugh, you laughed
You laughed and laughed and then you left but now you know I'm utterly mad.

And they're coming to take me away ha haa
They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away ha haa.

I cooked your food I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back for all my kind unselfish deeds
Ha! Well you just wait they'll find you yet and when they do
They'll put you in the ASPCA you mangy mutt!

And they're coming to take me away ha haa
They're coming to take me away ha haa ho ho hee hee
To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats

And they're coming to talke me away
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away ha haaa.

Jerricho
4th May 2004, 00:55
Ah yes........anything by good old Kevin Bloody Wilson.

Although, anybody remember that act that Rodney Rude did years ago about Queensland Cops and Run Rodney, Run?

OllyBeak
4th May 2004, 00:57
Almost anything by Flanders and Swann. And, of course, theres: http://www.monologues.co.uk.

Enjoy,

Ol.

reynoldsno1
4th May 2004, 01:47
The Baby Has Gone Down The Plughole.. [tune unknown]
aka Mother's Lament , covered, bewilderingly, by Cream on the Disraeli Gears album....

Binoculars
4th May 2004, 02:13
There is a double CD available by Dr Demento on Rhino records called the Greatest Novelty Songs of All Time containing such profound gems as Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavour on the Bedpost Overnight, Beep Beep (the little Nash Rambler), Wet Dream, Gitarzan, Purple People Eater, Masochism Tango by Tom Lehrer and, as they say, much much more.

Well worth checking out.

pigboat
4th May 2004, 02:21
Anybody remember something called "My Boomerang Won't Come Back?"
Was it Rolf Harris that did that particular piece of insanity?

reynoldsno1
4th May 2004, 03:26
"Twas a nasty little Brit comedian called Charlie Drake, pb.....

Buster Hyman
4th May 2004, 03:39
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim, dead Jim, dead Jim.... :ok:

An old song that was sung by my Grandma & Mum in their cellar during the blitz was "Run Rabbit, run", is now being used on the local idiot box to advertise a Victorian tourism region. It makes both of them happy to learn that my 2 year old sings along & loves the song.:D

Keygrip
4th May 2004, 03:51
Oh, the cat got dead
So we put it in a box
We dug a little hole
And we covered it with rocks

We picked a couple dandelions
And said a little prayer
Then we all went up the stairs to bed
'Cause we mostly didn't care.

pigboat
4th May 2004, 04:11
Thanks reynolds. Kinda suspected it wasn't Harris.
Frank Zappa recorded some stuff that went beyond comedy to the decidedly strange. "Theme From The 3rd Movement Of Sinister Footwear" comes to mind. :D

BALIX
4th May 2004, 08:37
Spork

Splognessabounds - a point for that. However, the other tracks, if memory serves me correctly, were Michael Booth's Talking Bum, a pleasant littly ditty about farting and Simon Templar which included the never to be forgotten lines:

Simon Templar's got a nice car
And his bird never wears a bra

Ah, the subtlty...

lasernigel
4th May 2004, 09:20
My father had a great collection of 78's.A lot of them I think were by Spike Jones and his City Slickers.One remains firmly in my mind 'The old bazzar in Cairo' as a child I was always asking why did the line 'ginger headed kids' always make people laugh?I realised the answer at about 12-13yrs old!!!

henry crun
4th May 2004, 09:30
Can anyone remember Harry Kari and his Six Saki Sippers rendition of Yokahama Mama ?
no ? oh well, maybe I dreamed it.

Windy Militant
4th May 2004, 10:22
Didn't Charlie Drake do a song called "Where's me shirt" which had the line "I can't go fighting indians without me shirt"

In similar vein who did "Please Mr Custer I don't want to go" ?

Then there were the New Christey Minstrals with "Three Wheels
on my waggon, And I'm still rolling along"

And of course Bernard Cribbins with " Right Said Fred"

"Climbing up his ladder with his crowbar gave a hefty blow"

Ascend Charlie
4th May 2004, 11:59
Hey, Pigboat!

Do you own a copy of the single with "They're coming to take me away ha ha"?

The best bit was the flipside, with the song "Ah ah yawa em ekat ot gnimoc er'yeht", the song recorded in reverse. Even the label was printed backwards.

I recall some very English songs, wif ve foony Cockney glottal stop accent an' all, called "Come Outside" and "Will I What?". Due to my young ears, a scratchy little AM radio and total unfamiliarity with the accent, I thought the song was called "Willow wop."

Will ya let me 'old yer and then? (Will I what?)
Will ya let me take yer dancin?(Will I what?)
If I tell ya what me game is, will ya tell me what yer name is, will ya?
(I will not!):8

spork
4th May 2004, 12:37
This thread has brought back to memory some songs that really would be best forgotten. I remember a lot of these from "Two Way Family Favourites" and "Three Way Family Favourites", the forces radio request show. On a very rare occasion, it would be "four way" to include some far flung outpost such as Cyprus. Ah - them was the days...

"Come Outside" was Mike Sarne and Wendy Richards I think, Wendy to feature later with Mrs Slocombe in "Are You Being Served?" and of course "Eastenders".

Lastly, I never ever expected to see the words glottal stop in JB. Whatever next?

teeteringhead
4th May 2004, 12:47
I dug out an old (and very un PC) Flanders and Swann a coupla weeks ago for a St George's day party.....



The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

The rottenest bits of these islands of ours
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers
Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot
You'll find he's a stinker, as likely as not.

Och aye, awa' wi' yon Edinburgh Festival

The Scotsman is mean, as we're all well aware
And bony and blotchy and covered with hair
He eats salty porridge, he works all the day
And he hasn't got bishops to show him the way!

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

Ah hit me old mother over the head with a shillelagh

The Irishman now out contempt is beneath
He sleeps in his boots and he lies through his teeth
He blows up policemen, or so I have heard
And blames it on Cromwell and William the Third!

The English are noble, the English are nice,
And worth any other at double the price

Ah, iechyd da

The Welshman's dishonest and cheats when he can
And little and dark, more like monkey than man
He works underground with a lamp in his hat
And he sings far too loud, far too often, and flat!

And crossing the Channel, one cannot say much
Of French and the Spanish, the Danish or Dutch
The Germans are German, the Russians are red,
And the Greeks and Italians eat garlic in bed!

The English are moral, the English are good
And clever and modest and misunderstood.

And all the world over, each nation's the same
They've simply no notion of playing the game
They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand which ruins the fun!

The English, the English, the English are best
So up with the English and down with the rest.

It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad
It's knowing they're foreign that makes them so mad!

For the English are all that a nation should be,
And the flower of the English are Donald (Michael) and Me!


Michael Flanders and Donald Swann

pigboat
4th May 2004, 14:20
AC unfortunately no. I had one, but it didn't survive a move or got nicked by an irate music lover or something. Napoleon XIV didn't have a song to go on the "B" side, so he recorded the "A" side backwards.

Tuba Mirum
4th May 2004, 14:49
Tom Lehrer was in his prime a little before my time. Here's a funny thing, though: one night at a folk club in Newbury, someone lent me two of his records (10" LPs). The bit that's funny is that although I looked for him to return them, I never saw the guy again :confused:

The following lyrics may go some way towards explaining this.

I Hold Your Hand in Mine
------------------------------

I hold your hand in mine, dear, I clutch it to my lips
I take a healthy bite from your luscious fingertips
My joy would be complete, dear, if only you were here
But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.

The night you died, I cut it off
I really don't know why
'Cos every time I kiss it, I get bloodstains on my tie....

I'm sorry now I killed you, for our love was something fine:
Until they come to get me, I will hold your hand in mine.

reynoldsno1
4th May 2004, 22:45
Tom Lehrer's best known song is probably "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park".

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel* or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment,
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strych'nine
We feed to a pigeon.
(It just takes a smidgin!)
To poison a pigeon in the park.

Davaar
4th May 2004, 23:11
Makin' the best of a bad situation.

Now, I know a man
He's a hard workin' man
He gets up real early, and he goes down town
And about fifteen minutes after he's been gone
There's a big milk truck pulls up on the lawn
And that milkman rushes up to the door
Where that man's wife is waitin' in a kimona
And she plants a big ol' kiss on his cheek and they go inside
And that truck never moves for an hour or two
Well it's none of my business
One day I called him aside and told him what was goin' on
While he was gone
And he said, "Well I guess that's so, but do you know
We're never outta' milk or cottage cheese or yogurt, ice cream, or none of them other cowy things"

I guess he's makin' the best of a bad situation
Don't wanta make waves, can't you see
He's just makin' the best of a bad situation
Reckon I'd do the same if it was me

Now I know a man, he's an educated man, he's an alligator wrestler
He jumps right in there and grabs them long green boogers by whatever you
grab them long green boogers by...
Well, one day he's got a full Nelson on this big alligator
When this other alligator sneaks up and bites his right ear plumb off...
Didn't bat an eye just crawled off in the shade and went to sleep
The alligator not the man
Well, it's none of my business
One day I said, "Well, it's sure too bad about that little accident that you had
'Cause now your hat's gonna fall down over your eyes
And you can't ever be gypsy 'cause you don't have no place to wear a gold earring"
He just looked me right straight in the eye and said, "Huh?"

I guess he's makin' the best of a bad situation
Don't wanna make waves, can't you see
He's just makin' the best of a bad situation
Reckon I'd do the same if it was me

Now I know a lady, she's a mighty fine lady
Got a heart of gold, she wouldn't harm a fly
She's just tryin' to get by and keep her house in order
But you know that her husband, he worked so hard that he come unglued
He come unwrapped, he just snapped, thinks he's a chicken...
That's right, one of them cackling Colonel Sanders' types
He roosts in the bush by the side of the house
Well it's none of my business but one day I said
"Have you ever thought about findin' him a doctor who could make him well"
And she said "Well, I have now and then, but then again
He don't eat much just chickenfeed and all that peckin' in the ground don't hurt nothin'....
Heaven knows, we can use the eggs"

I guess she's makin' the best of a bad situation
Don't wanna make waves, can't you see
She's just makin' the best of a bad situation
Reckon I'd do the same if it was me

We're all just makin' the best of a bad situation
We're all in this together you and me

Words and Music: Dick Feller Sony/ATV Songs LLC Tree Publishing

pigboat
5th May 2004, 02:15
Hmmm....could be Mr. Martin's theme song. ;)

Get yourself a copy of the cd "Makin' For The Harbour" by Buddy, Wasisname and the Other Feller with the song "I'se the b'y" on it. You have never heard "I'se the b'y" until you've heard it sung as opera in an Italian accent. :uhoh:

Davaar
5th May 2004, 02:36
I'll look for it. Merci.

pigboat
5th May 2004, 02:47
More lunacy by Buddy Wasisname and The Other Feller.

Is You 'Appy.

Chorus
Is you 'appy, you got to be 'appy
You got to be 100%
Is you 'appy, you got to be 'appy
You got to be 100%
(I suppose)

Wat's you lookin' peevish for
Pick your jaw up off the floor
Was you smacked wit' a 2X4
Sure you ain't broke out in sores
Well you ain't got no disease
Don't go lookin' for sympathy
'cause I knows if you was me
You'd be 'appy.

Now I know how hard it's got
And yer guts is gone to rot
And yer life is all upsot
And yer flashin' cold and hot,
But suck back yer nasal drip
Stiffen up yer lower lip
Yer not goin' to be missed
So 'tis just as well to be 'appy.

Chorus

I knowed a feller once
He was here for several months
He got round wit' our bunch
We knowed he was out to lunch
No one liked him real good
Well his mother never would
But while he was stunned for good
He was 'appy

And then there's ugly Gord
Last year he broke out in warts
Looked like th' livin' carpse
Girls would rather kiss e'es arse
Stinks like th' rotten fish
Face like th' maggoty flesh
We tolerates him I guess
'Cause tis' just as well to be 'appy.

Chorus

One certain feller here
Wit' nothin' between his ears
One night he got on the beer
Stripped off 'till he was bare
Went paradin' around the town 'till the cops tracked him down
e'es in th' mental now but he's 'appy.

Listen here take my advice
Make sure you got no lice
Get yerself all smellin' nice,
Try to straighten out yer eyes
Haul yer boots up over yer pants
Take yer partner out to dance
'cause now you got the chance
and 'tis just as well to be 'appy.

Binoculars
5th May 2004, 04:08
Wet Dream -- Kip Adotta
---------

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in down-town Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was over-heating. So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damned thing, and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar... a real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the Dolphins. I said, "Hi Gil!" You have to yell, he's hard of herring.

Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sandbar. He poured me the usual -- Rusty Snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred. With a peanut- butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin... on porpoise. I was eeling good! I even dropped a sand-dollar in the box for Jerry's squids... for the Halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the Big Band sound of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna... "Salmon-chanted Evening." And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow-tail, and she's giving me the eye! So I figure this is my chance for a little fun... you know, a piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. She seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank like a... well, she drank a lot. I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium." I said "Great! Lets get tanked!!"

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, "Come on, baby, it'll only take a few minnows." She threw me that same old line -- "Not tonight, I got a haddock." And she wasn't kidding, either, 'cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen, shrimp... don't ya come trolling around here..." What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the... anchor in his eyes. I turned to him. I said, "Abalone. You're just being shellfish."

Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cause he was already on the phone to the Cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke. But there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel... kelpless. I said, "Forget the Cods, Gil. This guy's gonna need a sturgeon."

Well, the yellow-tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me. She said, "Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?" I said, "Marlin."

Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams...

XENA
5th May 2004, 05:31
Ah yes, I've never Met A Nice South African, I have the words to that, are we allowed to put them here? I sing it to my aircraft engineer (although he's actually a Zimbo) when the bills are too high. Which is often.

Here's a snippet:

"I once got served in Woolies after only four weeks wait, I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late, I got Directory Enquiries after only forty rings, I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings, I've met the king of China and the working Yorkshire miner

BUT I'VE NEVER MET A NICE SOUTH AFRICAN!"

Chorus "no he's nivir mit a noice Seth Efrican, and thet's not bluddy surpirising mon, cos we're a bunch of errogant bostards with no sense of humour!"

Remember this was back in the early eighties when things were a bit different over there...

It loses a lot in translation without the puppets singing it from the back of an old landrover while they shot at various indiginous African creatures on two and four legs.

I think most of it would be censored now.

phnuff
5th May 2004, 08:18
Someone recently pointed me at a site which featured Mike Absolem http://www.withamchamber.com/Hector.htm who was apparently a folk singer in the70's.

Hector the dope sniffing hound was probably his best (which will play from the link above) along with
WPC Sadie Stick

Brilliant stuff

IB4138
5th May 2004, 08:31
and how many of you can recall

I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts by Billy Cotton and his Band

My Brother...Terry Scott

The Ying Tong Song....The Goons.

:eek:

Ray Darr
8th May 2004, 11:52
Heard this on a radio program back in the 1970's on a syndicated program called Doctor Demento, and cannot find the words or title to it:

"It was late one night 'bout eleven o'clock,
late one night on a St. John's dock...

Well she wrapped her bra around a sailors head,
and she (music starts now, Irish Jig style...) ...threw him in the river like a crust of bread...

with a durr aye ahh, fa-da-lee-da-laa...."

No clue who sang it, etc. Drives me batty occasionally whenever it invades the dusty chambers of the grey matter.

Ideas?

Cheers,
R.D.

surely not
8th May 2004, 17:39
Surely there has to be a mention of the magnificent Bonzo Dog DooDah Band when talking about comedy songs.

They are brilliantly surreal and funny. Any of their albums will raise a laugh.

Somewhere I have a copy of 'Hole in the Road' by Bernard Cribbens, which also has a great song about the dangers of wearing Winkle Picker shoes (a type of shoe in the 60's, not a reference to Morecombe Bay!) on the flip side.

Also I'm surprised that there is no mention of Jasper Carrot and his Funky Moped/Magic Roundabout single in the late 70's

BALIX
8th May 2004, 19:44
Oh, how could I forget the wonderful Jake Thackray? The guy was a genius. Here's a typical offering, the song is called 'On Again, On Again':

I love a good bum on a woman, it makes my day
To me it is palpable proof of God's existence, a posteriori
Also I love breasts and arms and ankles, elbows, knees
It's the tongue, the tongue, the tongue on a woman that spoils the job for me.

Please understand I respect and admire the frailer sex
And I honour them every bit as much as the next misogynist
But give some women the ghost of a chance to talk and thereupon
They go on again, on again, on again, on again, on again, on again, on ...

I fell in love with a woman with wonderful thighs and hips
And a sensational belly, I just never noticed her lips were always moving
Only when we got to the altar and she had to say I Do
And she folded her arms and gathered herself and took in a breath and I knew ...

She could have gone on again, on again, on again till the entire
Congregation passed out and the vicar passed on and the choirboys passed through puberty
At the reception I gloomily noted her family's jubilant mood
Their maniacal laughter and their ghastly gratitude

She talks to me when I go for a shave, or a sleep, or a swim
She talks to me on a Sunday, when I go singing hymns, and drinking heavily
When I go mending my chimney pot she's down there in the street
And at ninety-five on my motorbike she's on the pillion seat

Wittering on again, on again, on and again and again
When I'm eating or drinking, or reading or thinking, or when I'm saying my rosary
She will never stop talking to me, she is one of those women who
Will never use three or four words when a couple of thousand will easily do

She also talks without stopping to me in our bed of a night
Throughout the sweetest of our intimate delights she never gives over
Not even stopping while we go hammer and tongs towards the peak
Except maybe for a sigh and a groan and one perfunctory shriek

Then she goes on again, on again, on again on and I must
Assume that she has never noticed that she's just been interrupted
Totally unruffled she is, and as far as I can see
I might just as well have been posting a letter or stirring up the tea

She will not take a hint, not once she's made a start
I can yawn, or belch, or bleed, or faint, or fart - she'll not drop a syllable
I could stand in front of her grimly sharpening up an axe
I could sprinkle her with paraffin, and ask her for a match

She'd just go on again, on again, on again even more
The hind leg of a donkey is peanuts for her, she can bore the balls off a buffalo
Mother of God, I cried one day, Oh, let your kingdom come
And in the meantime, Mother, could you strike this ****** dumb?

Well, believe it or not, she appeared to me then and there
The Blessed Virgin herself, in answer to my prayer - despite the vulgarity
Shimmering softly, dressed in blue and holding up a hand
I cocked a pious ear, as the Mother of God began

But she went on again, on again, on again on and I
Will have to state how very much I sympathise with the rest of the family
Give some women the ghost of a chance to talk and thereupon
They go on again, on again, on again, on again,
and again, and again, and again, and again

They will go on again, on again, on again, on again,
On again, on again, on ...

Miserlou
8th May 2004, 22:56
Ahh. Phnuff, Mike Absalon knowing of Mike Absalon is a sure sign of a mis-spent university.

"When Mrs Fanshaw fantasized,
Things often got romantacized.
There was, for those who like the rock cake,
No bolder cook, by grave mistake,
She put cement dust in the spice.
And Fanshaw said, "It's very nice".
Then ground his teeth and coughed and sighed,
And very shortly after died!"

To cut a long song shorter she then falls in love with and tries to seduce the priest who comes to bury him.

How about Flasher Jack? In northern accent.
"Annabel were waiting, in the shadow of the pier,
You could see the sea through her see-through blouse and smell the smell of beer.
Flasher Jack came walking, 'til he reached where she was hid,
Annie said, "Eee, Jack yer late"!
And, straight away, Jack did!"

Or one of my favourites,
"What shall I do with the taxman in the cupboard?!"

"I'm not raving,
I'm just saving
On my income tax and waiving,
Regulations which would quickly strip me bare!

Now I've got thirty-two,
And another turning blue,
Since I shoved a little poker through his hair!
So What shall I do with the taxman in the cupboard?
What shall I do with them there!"


Otherwise anything by Flanders and Swann or Tom Lehrer is fine by me!

JustaFew
8th May 2004, 23:51
Monty Python's ' Sit on my face etc.'

A song titled 'Shaving Cream' which Tony Snell oft played when
he was DJing on Liverpool's City FM

Davaar
9th May 2004, 01:33
And how true:

BONEY FINGERS
(Renee Armand / Hoyt Axton)
Hoyt Axton - 1976


See the rain comin' down and the roof won't hold 'er
Lost my job and I feel a little older
Car won't run and our love's grown colder
But maybe things'll get a little better, in the mornin'
Maybe things'll get a little better.

CHORUS:
Work your fingers to the bone - whadda ya get?
( Whoo-whoo ) Boney Fingers - Boney Fing-gers.

Oh! the clothes need washin' and the fire won't start
Kids all cryin' and you're breakin' my heart
Whole darn place is fallin' apart
Maybe things'll get a little better, in the mornin'
Maybe things'll get a little better.

CHORUS:

Yea! I've been broke as long as I remember
Get a little money and I gotta run and spend 'er
When I try to save it, pretty woman come and take it
Sayin' maybe things'll get a little better, in the mornin'
Maybe things'll get a little better.

CHORUS

Yea! the grass won't grow and the sun's too hot
The whole darn world is goin' to pot
Might as well like it 'cause you're all that I've got
But, maybe things'll get a little better, in the mornin'
Maybe things'll get a little better.

CHORUS
Work your fingers to the bone - whadda ya get?
( Whoo-whoo ) Boney Fingers - Boney Fing-gers.

Sliding member
9th May 2004, 02:47
Being a norther I must mention Tony Capstick & "Capstick comes home". Mike Harding also had a few songs, I rember my dad had an LP of his.
Do singles by Leiutenant Pigeon count, "Mouldy old dough" being the more well known one.
I seem to have too many sad old 7" novelty records, must dust them down.