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spud's on the job
21st Aug 2001, 02:35
he's got a piece of tarmac under one arm, 'barman' he says 'a pint of lager please, oh, and one for the road'


who's next

Arm out the window
21st Aug 2001, 06:57
He takes a big bite out of the bar, and says 'Eh, barman, gimme a beer!'

The barman says 'Sorry, mate, we don't serve drug addicts in here.'

The bloke says 'Drug addict? What do you mean?'

The barman says 'Well, what about that bar bit yer ate?!'

Grainger
21st Aug 2001, 11:41
Cycle-path presumably...

dazedandconfused
21st Aug 2001, 11:57
...and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, Why do you keep looking in your pocket? The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home. :rolleyes: :D :rolleyes:

angels
21st Aug 2001, 12:16
and asks for a beer.
As the barman is pouring it the bloke hears a voice. "Nice suit mate. Bet you pull tonight."
He asks the barman if he'd said anything. The barman says no. Again he hears a voice.
"The aftershave is nifty as well. You won't fail tonight."
The barman again denies he's said anything and gives the guy his beer.
Somewhat shattered, the guy decides he's going to have start smoking again. He walks up to the fag machine.
"F*ck off you berk. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. P*ss off and leave me alone," the machine says.
Now the guy is well worried and says to the barman. "Look I'll know you'll think I'm mad but ever since I've come in here, I've been hearing voices. One was saying nice things about the suit and then the cigarette machine started abusing me."
"I do apologise sir," says the barman. "The peanuts are complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order...."
Apologies.

You want it when?
21st Aug 2001, 13:15
and asks for a beer,

And ten for his friend whoose just come in - a giraffe. The giraffe necks (what else) the beers and then falls over - bombed. The man continues drinking.

"Eh!" sayes the bar man, "you can't leave that lying there"
"It's not a lion its a giraffe"

Well it works if you say it out loud :D

FlyingForFun
21st Aug 2001, 14:09
...order himself a drink, and chats to the barman. The barman points out a beautiful girl sat by herself, and tells our hero "that girl over there can give you a bl*wj*b and whistle at the same time."

Of course, the bloke doesn't believe him, but after some persuading he wanders over to the girl and says "the barman tells me you can give a bl*wj*b and whistle at the same time". "That's right," says the girl, and takes him back to her flat.

They head up to the bedroom, turn the light out and get into bed - and sure enough she starts to give him a bl*wj*b, and whistles as she's doing it. He leaves satisfied, but very curious.

The next week the some bloke goes into the same pub, but with a mate this time. They see the same girl, so he tells his mate the story. They discuss this for a while, and come up with a plan.

The mate wanders over to the girl, and says "my friend here says you can give a bl*wj*b and whistle at the same time." "That's right," says the girl, "come back to my place and I'll show you."

So they go back to her place, and the first bloke follows closely behind. When they go in the front door, the first bloke slips in before the girl closes the door. The two of them head up to the bedroom, turn the light off and get into bed. She starts to give the friend a bl*wj*b, and then whistles as she's doing it. At this point, the first bloke opens the door and turns the light on....


...and sees a glass eye sitting on the bedside table.........

FFF
-----------

VFE
21st Aug 2001, 15:18
A bloke walks into a bar and shouts "OUCH!!". :D

Foyl
21st Aug 2001, 15:29
A jump lead and a brain walk into a pub. The brain walks up to the bar and asks for two pints. The barman says "no". The brain says "why not?". The barman replies:
"Because you're out of your head and your mate looks like he's going to start something". :D

radeng
21st Aug 2001, 16:04
Bloke gets thrown out of a pub one night. Next evening, in he walks, and says 'pint of bitter, please' Barman looks at him says 'You were thrown out and banned last night. Piss off'.
Bloke replies 'Piss off? I'll have a pint of mild, then.'

[ 21 August 2001: Message edited by: radeng ]

gravity victim
21st Aug 2001, 17:09
...accompanied by a scottish dwarf in full highland tartan and an ostrich. He says "I'll have a pint, an orange juice for the ostrich and a large Scotch for the midget." The Caledonian dwarf snarls "I'll drink it but i won't buy you one." Intrigued,the barman asks "How on earth did you get hooked up with these two?" The man sighs heavily and explains that he found a dusty old oil lamp in the attic, and gave it a rub. The resulting Genie offered him just a single wish. "What was it?" asked the barman. "Well, I thought long and hard and said I'd like to spend the rest of my days with a bird with long legs and a tight little c**t...." :D

Onan the Clumsy
21st Aug 2001, 18:00
A pork chop walks into a bar and said "Gimme a drink."

The barman says "I'm sorry sir, but you're food and we don't serve food in here."

Onan the Clumsy
21st Aug 2001, 18:25
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar:-

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks
to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering, ..." whispers the man, " ... are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, " ... I am."

The man replies,

"Well, wash your hands then, I want a chicken sandwich."

Olly O'Leg
21st Aug 2001, 20:50
....with a steering wheel on his [email protected] The barman says "Hey, do you know you've got a steering wheel on your knob?" And the guy says "Yeah - it's driving me nuts!!!"

I'm REALLY sorry........ ;)

Aeropig1
21st Aug 2001, 21:44
and orders a pint of Best. A piece of twine behind him said 'I'LL have one of those too'

The barman says 'are you a piece of string cos we don't serve string'

'No, im a frayed not'
:(

[ 21 August 2001: Message edited by: Aeropig1 ]

RW-1
22nd Aug 2001, 00:09
He orders a drink and while he's drinking it his pet monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy," Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says," No, what?" " He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me,"replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink,the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted." Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks."

Now what?", responds the patron. " Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper."

Yeah, that doesn't suprise me," replied the patron." He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

mad-andy
22nd Aug 2001, 02:26
A bloke walks out of a pub and sees a prostitute leaning against the wall.Prostitute say`s "Fancy a bunk-up?"....the bloke replies,"Why? whats over the wall?......

gareth
22nd Aug 2001, 03:51
A bloke buys a parrott and soon discovers its foul mouthed. He can't get a girlfriend because the parrott keeps telling them to f**f off. Then guy tells the parrott if he doesn't behave he's going to throw him in the freezer to cool off and the parrott tells him to f**k off.
The guy then reaches into the cage, grabs the parrott and throws him in the freezer. After 15 mins he lets him out thinking he'll have learnt his lesson and puts him back in the cage.
The parrott is looking really scared and shaken. The guy says "so have you learnt your lesson?". the parrot says "yes, yes I'll do whatever you say, you were right, I'm so sorry"
The guy is feeling really guilty now so he says, "what happened in there?"
The parrott says " I've only got one question. WHAT DID THE HELL DID THE CHICKEN DO?"

ShyTorque
22nd Aug 2001, 04:04
In Army uniform and orders a pie.

As soon as it arrives, he whips out a machete, chops the ear off the bloke next to him, and eats both.

The barman says "Bl**dy hell, what regiment are you from?"

The soldier answered "Pioneer Corps!" :rolleyes:

Roofus
22nd Aug 2001, 05:02
...and orders a pint. He notices a stern faced horse at the end of the bar with a pile of tenners infront of him.He asks the barman what the story is. The barman replies 'You make him laugh, you get the tenners'. The bloke puts down his beer walks over, whispers in the horses ear. The horse bursts out laughing. He winks at the barman takes the tenners & walks out.
Months later the same bloke goes back into the same bar. The horse is still at the end of the bar, there is another stack of tenners. Again the bloke asks the barman what the score is. The barman says 'since you left last time the bloody thing hasn't stopped snickering, you make him cry, you get the tenners. The bloke walks over, he & the horse go into the gents, there is a cry of anguish, the bloke walks out followed by a now sobbing horse. He picks up the tenners & starts towards the door. The barman calls him back & asks how he did it. Simple says the bloke, first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, second time I showed him.

Sorry!! :D :D

Boh'ban
22nd Aug 2001, 05:26
............with his gorgeous wife.
There sitting at a table minding their own business when a tiny little nerd of a guy comes over and boldly explains that he is going to turn the woman upside down, fill her fanny with Guiness and drink it in a oner.
The woman is understandably horrified and demands that her husband take this man outside and teach him some manners.
"No way", replies he, "I'm not messing with anyone who can down 12 pints of Guiness".

dazedandconfused
22nd Aug 2001, 14:03
...accompanied by a Mexican, an Irishman, a kilted Scotsman, a priest, two lesbians, a rabbi, and a nun. The landlord looks up and says, "What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?"

:D :p :D

dingducky
22nd Aug 2001, 14:12
and ordered a beer. He drank half and then poured the rest on his hand.

A few minutes later, the man ordered another beer and the bartender became suspicious. Again, he drank half and then poured the rest on his hand.

A short while later, the man ordered yet another beer. The bartender finally asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck
are you doing?"

The irritated guy replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have a drink?

Red_Devil
22nd Aug 2001, 14:38
A wig and a poo walk into a bar.

"Two pints of lager, please" Says the wig

"Sorry, mate, I can't serve you two in here" The barman replies. "You're off your head and your mate's steaming!"