View Full Version : What, exactly, are cats? (joke)

23rd Apr 2004, 22:39
A joke i found on a website - i'd post a link, but i don't want to incriminate myself :cool:

Anyway, here goes:

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they're not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.


a is dum
23rd Apr 2004, 22:41
Little cats are those bits you have to scrape of the ventilator belt after reversing out of the garage. :rolleyes:

23rd Apr 2004, 23:31
That'd be why they call it a pussy.

23rd Apr 2004, 23:40
........Dog Food.........

(dots to comply with min 15 characters rule) :E

24th Apr 2004, 01:51
Cats are so much better than dogs.

I can't remember who said it, but

"No matter what you say and how stupid it is, a dog will look at you with a look of 'Hey, that's the best damn thing I have heard all day!'"

Yes, I edited it to stop Ozzy starting on me!

24th Apr 2004, 03:36
Well, who but a dog would put up with you swearing at it, leaving it out in the cold & rain, not taking it for a walk, tieing it up, accidentally standing on it, forgetting to feed it, yet still look at you with big eyes and love you to death?

A cat wouldn't.

24th Apr 2004, 03:49
Would you still love someone who did that to you?

24th Apr 2004, 06:12
I like cats....they taste like chicken


24th Apr 2004, 06:31
Just to balance things up ....

Dog explained.

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.


24th Apr 2004, 16:23
Can't say I've ever worn a fur coat.............

(high heels and a dress maybe!)

24th Apr 2004, 16:28
No word on my mate's moggy - hmm, I need to ask how the wee thing is doing...Cat's can survive falling off tall buildings as they have superhuman powers. Fact that is.:ok: :E


24th Apr 2004, 16:31
Fact that is??

Have you been going to the Yoda school of "Posting to Internet forums"?

When long intelligent posts you make, much respected you will be now.

24th Apr 2004, 16:35
From Jerricho:'Hey, that's the best damn thing I have head all day!'"So that's why dogs are always wagging their tails!

C'mon Carnsie - this is tiring!

24th Apr 2004, 16:40
Awwww crap. := :=

I have heard that if you sit in front of a mirror with lit candle and recite "Carnsie" 6 times he will appear to offer guidance and wit

24th Apr 2004, 18:08
When long intelligent posts you make, much respected you will be now. My style, that is not. Fewer words used to get point across, is better. Rambling on, circumlocution, roundabout language, used to I am not.

Use the force Jerricho mate.:cool:


Onan the Clumsy
24th Apr 2004, 20:14
Would you still love someone who did that to you? Maybe the tieing up and the standing on... :O

Capt Claret
28th Apr 2004, 10:44
How to give a cat a pill.

1.Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill .

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harrnful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply band - aid to parner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch, Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T -shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ******* cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13, Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to casualty. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether have any hamsters.

28th Apr 2004, 11:22
Capt. Claret,

That posting was totally unfair!!!!

I am now getting all sorts of funny looks in the office because I am sitting here choking, desperately trying not too laugh.:ok:

(Editted because I really should learn how to type).

28th Apr 2004, 12:23
SportKa 1 Cat 0

Billy The Squid
30th Apr 2004, 14:03
Confuscias say......

Dogs have masters, Cats have staff!!!!

:p :p :p

Shaggy Sheep Driver
30th Apr 2004, 20:42
Got a lovevly postcard from me bruv.

Typical 'desert island'; one palmtree, a circle of sand, surrounded by sea. Relaxing on his back in the top of the tree is a cat, about to throw a stick out to sea. Looking eager, stupid, and tail-waggy on the sand is a dog, single brain-cell in overdrive as he eyes the stick eagerly. Cat has an evil grin on its face.

Circling the island is a triangular fin sticking out of the water.......