PDA

View Full Version : [email protected]


Grainger
17th Aug 2001, 19:32
I have a colleague who loves to use all the latest management buzzwords. His latest one is 'methodology' . Well, I challenged him to explain what it actually means and of course it turns out that he didn't know... Ha ha :p

So I looked it up and found the world's most useless website: www.methodology.org. :rolleyes: Yup, they named themselves after it and even they don't know what it means !

Nearest I got to a definition was:

" ... is a process that speeds the delivery of functionality to end-users by segmenting software into pieces ... It is an iterative process utilizing a spiral methodology and is also customer driven following an evolutionary process using continuous application engineering in a time-boxed fashion with a dedicated professional team. "

What a load of sh!te ! Even Davaar's Interruptus makes more sense than this...

Everyone hates this crap.

So let's have your least favourite, most hated management b0llocks-speak and [email protected]

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: Grainger ]

JudyTTexas
17th Aug 2001, 19:58
"Put a SPIN on it" ...why don't they call it like it "really" is...LYING!

You want it when?
17th Aug 2001, 19:58
Paradigm - as in shift.

We used to play buzz word bingo I will try and find the score sheet if anyone is interested. You used to score one point for every word of utter bollo*cks the KPMG'rs of this world uttered.

No offence meant to KPMG types.

Onan the Clumsy
17th Aug 2001, 19:58
Even better, let's make a game out of it...

*** MANAGEMENT BINGO ***

What we do is to collect all the stupid nonesense that they just spout off to look clever and conceal the fact that they don't actually know anything, write them down on bingo cards so that all the cards are different and then when you have to go to a meeting, pass the cards around to all the attendees. Everytime management drones out one of these pointless phrases, you get to cross one off, until you get a whole line at which point you jump up and shout "BINGO" and thereby derail the entire meeting.


Sound good? How about...

Granular
Best Practice
<anything>centric
Win-win
Synergy - this one's pretty much run its course
Modular
Rugged
Tool
Think (or colour) outside the box

That and calling the poor bastards that have to use the software you write your "Customers"

swashplate
17th Aug 2001, 20:03
"See the big picture...."

"We're all a TEAM...."

"I need some Quality Time...."

"Be ahead of the Zietgiest...."

"Don't be so Recherche....."


YEEUUUUCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :eek:

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: swashplate ]

VFE
17th Aug 2001, 20:07
Fave phrase:

"I see where you're coming from and I've taken it onboard but..."

:rolleyes:

I'd rather
17th Aug 2001, 20:12
"Let's see if we're in the same ball park"

"in point of fact" (DIE NOW [email protected])

"at this moment in time" (try "now")

Onan the Clumsy
17th Aug 2001, 20:34
"Run it up the flagpole and see how it flies"

How about we just run the flagpole up your arse instead?

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: Onan the Clumsy ]

Grainger
17th Aug 2001, 20:36
Thanks guys! Keep 'em coming :)

Anyone notice that the word 'crap' didn't get censored ?

crap, crap, crap crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap crap, crap, crap ! :D :D

Hey - it's Friday afternoon and I'm feeling a bit daft !

Davaar
17th Aug 2001, 20:39
How about the sanctimonious vomit-inducing “Mission Statement”?

At the firm we drafted what we believed to be the only honest Mission Statement in captivity:

“Our Mission is to maximise profit to and minimise effort by the partners, through exploitation of clients and associates”.

Grainger
17th Aug 2001, 20:41
Saw a poster on the wall of the Physics Department of a well-known University, stating that the Mission Statement of the undergraduate Physics course was:

"To develop an understanding of the principles of Physics" :rolleyes:

Well, you don't say !!!!!

Grainger
17th Aug 2001, 20:46
And the old favourite:

"Moving forward":

Uttered by someone who has just presided over a monumental cock-up, usually precipitated by ignoring warnings from people who actually know what they are talking about, and who wants us to "move forward" so they don't have to cop the responsibility....
:mad: :mad: :mad:

Made Guy
17th Aug 2001, 20:47
Buzzword Bingo is a top call, my previous employer was FULL of it! I'm now well shot of all that crap. My commiserations if you still have to put up with it.

Another classic which used to piss me off on a regular basis was "I here what you say" used by ineffectual management types as an alternative to an answer.

Don't let the bastards grind yer down...

Onan the Clumsy
17th Aug 2001, 20:50
Go and look at your mission statement. I bet if youactually did what it said...you'd get fired.

Davaar
17th Aug 2001, 20:57
Grainger, do you allow what Fowler might call
"elegant variations"?

If so, from my collection:

"Regina malisha"..........Regina militia
"a numally".................anomaly
"tempestuous adultery"...incestuous adultery.

There was a federal minister here who used to slay these inflictions, as by referring to paradigms as "paradijjims".

Then we had the secretary who balked at typing "fleshpots" on the grounds, elicited on inquiry, that it meant "belly-dancers". Mind you, she may have been on to something.

I hope no one had difficulty in understanding this.

Red_Devil
17th Aug 2001, 21:00
I hate the word "feedback"

I worked for an organisation that encouraged all staff to give each other quality feedback...everyone used it to slag each other off but in a terribly polite and I'm only doing this for your benefit kind of way.

Needless to say, I though it was a pile of poo and now I shudder everytime I hear it....

Davaar
17th Aug 2001, 21:09
"Excited"? As from a 55-year old stolid overweight semi-literate Peter-principled management dullard: "We're just terribly excited to work with your team".

OldAg84
17th Aug 2001, 21:37
"Tribal Beliefs"

This from a [email protected] VP with diplomas from places like- Inflight Magazine University-accredited by the Upper Delaware River Education Commission and Quickie Mart.

Believe it or not in one year he walked with approximated $800,000 dollars in compensation- I know it's true; it was in the annual report and over the year he added nothing, nada, zilch, zero.

As I was a stockholder and direct report, I didn't know whether to cry or ask him to teach me how to do the same.

Unbelievable.

Although, in the end, the "tribal beliefs" stayed the same.

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: OldAg84 ]

pied piper
17th Aug 2001, 21:49
My boss usually calls me to give me a "heads up" about a "tricky development" with an "ongoing project"

Translates to "the **** has hit the fan and its comeing your way"

PPRuNe Dispatcher
17th Aug 2001, 21:58
A previous boss insisted that I must make a "quantum leap" in my productivity. Somehow I don't think she knew just how big a leap that really is... :D

---Mik

Tricky Woo
17th Aug 2001, 22:06
Where do you lot get your education these days? Play school?

Any word ending in 'ology' simply denotes the study of something, i.e. 'technology' means the study of technique. Therefore, 'methodology' simply means the 'study of methods'.

Thick gits.

But which method is of the most use to the modern businessman? Personally, I'm thinking of studying the rhythm method. Any volunteers, ladies?

TW

Man-on-the-fence
17th Aug 2001, 22:34
Here's the one that really gets me going

"Positive Discrimination" Grrrrrrrrr :o

If you're discriminating FOR someone then you are discriminating AGAINST someone else. Doesnt that defeat the whole object, or am I missing the point?

Lets just cut the crap and choose the best person/thing/non-specific entity for whatever it is you are choosing them/it/etc for.

Oh and referring to the chairman of a meeting as Chair. I actually heard someone in a Council meeting refer to the lady chairing it as "madam chair"!!!!!!!

Thus totally defeating the object of referring to her by the furniture she was sitting on :rolleyes:

Edited cause I am stoopid

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: Man-on-the-fence ]

Davaar
17th Aug 2001, 22:37
Exactly, Tricky. Or the study of ap.

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: Davaar ]

OldAg84
17th Aug 2001, 22:59
Ooooh.....

Here's some more favorites (that's favourites-it always been advantagous to tell prospective employers I'm fluent in British, Austrialian, Canadian, and can speak pretty good New Zealandese.)

"Juncture" i.e., at this juncture...I'll show you a juncture...

"outside of the box", "We should think outside of the box on this..." "How 'bout I stuff you into a box and take you down to shipping?"

"empowered" Our employees are empowered..."Just tell me...what the h&ll you were thinking...?" "But, but...you told me I was empowered..."

Don't worry..I'll be back with more.

Eric
17th Aug 2001, 23:37
Mission statements :mad:

A local pub which used to be a really nice one was given the corporate image treatment (ie painting the walls so they look like a dirty protest in an Irish prison, and putting everyone in uniforms) has also now got a mission statement - "To exceed our customers' expectations", well they've certainly done that, I expected it to be crap, and it's worse than that!

To save all your pencils (or crayons in Tony D's case :) )here's a link to buzzword bingo cards, just hit F5 to get a new card.
http://isd.usc.edu/~karl/Bingo/

(Edited 'cos I forgot the link :rolleyes: )

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: Eric ]

Barbers Pole
18th Aug 2001, 01:34
What about "We are working through those issues" (lying sods)

My Personal Misson statement:

"If I can't eat it, drink it, shag it, shoot it, trash it, or fly it I'm not interested"


Now if anyone has "issues" with my "methodology" then they can take them to another "playing field" or "outside the box" cause I don't really give a "soloution based" toss... ;)

Onan the Clumsy
18th Aug 2001, 01:38
I love the rolling eyes. Funny as **** .

Anyone actually know what a Git is. I had heard it was arabic for a pregnant camel

no_name_oz
18th Aug 2001, 01:52
We here in the aviation industry have to face up to a public expectation of world's best practice. A comprehensive study of current methodologies through use of focus groups and detailed industry consultation will enable a 'tiger' team to facilitate a smooth transition to leading edge technologies and thereby improve our cost/benefit ratio. Further, our exposure to the raft of vulnerabilities inherent in the industry can be signicantly mitigated by extending our planning horizon in line with our current strategic management initiatives. Only by harnessing the energies inherent in the bow wave of change can we safely sail the stormy seas of the post-millenial corporate world. By aggressive right-sizing and adopting just-in-time delivery schedules we can minimise workforce disruption and maximise output for a win-win scenario in all quarters. In, short the future is ours for the taking. We have only to grasp the nettle and bear down to the task at hand.

arrow2
18th Aug 2001, 01:56
This one really gets my goat - I am too long in the teeth for all of this cr*p.

I particularly dislike abbreviated buzzwords - eg F2F = face to face = a 2 person meeting - why the f**k don't they just say "can you and I get together for 30 mins" instead of "we need a F2F"....."121" is in the same vein. I refuse to write this sort of stuff in e-mails.

Oh and btw, my new boss, trying to make an impression on us yesterday, started spouting off about Maslow's motivational theory and all that ......I asked her which course she had just been on because it sounds like it must have been a good one......the bright red face that followed was a wonder to behold!

A2

Arm out the window
18th Aug 2001, 02:03
While you're drafting your mission statement, don't forget that you need a 'Vision' first.
Take some mind-altering drugs, perhaps - then you'll have a vision for sure.

And funny how these missions and visions always have 'us' being the best, no matter where we are. So there must be dozens of organisations, all the best. Amazing!

'We see ourselves as leaders in the field of garbology, using world's best practice techniques :rolleyes: and innovative thinking to collect the crap you throw out and take it to the dump.'

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: Arm out the window ]

G-SCUD
18th Aug 2001, 02:08
Have you heard "Thank you for sharing that with us" in meetings? - translation: "Shut up, ********!" :D

henry crun
18th Aug 2001, 02:58
"I have to (or want to) go and find myself"


Usually spoken by people as they withdraw
from whatever useless activity they are
engaged in.

Eric
18th Aug 2001, 03:17
errrmmm....no scud, that one's just you! ;)

ragspanner
18th Aug 2001, 03:21
"We must endeavour to maintain a high level of proactivity ."
Tell me about it later when i have a bit less time !!.

Davaar
18th Aug 2001, 03:28
Onan, Tricky Woo’s scholarship is legendary. The word “git” as for child, semble illegitimate but certainly not complimentary, is of ancient provenance, to be found in, for example, John Knox’s History of the Reformation in Scotland, ed Edinburgh 1644 (ed 1586 suppressed), Vol. 1, pages 112, 113, see ed Thomas Nelson & Sons, 1949: [God will punish].... “Sinclair....Bishop of Brechin, blind of one eye in the body, but of both in his soul, upon whom God shortly after took vengeance; John Lesly, priest’s gett, Abbot of Lindores ...”.

Lurk R
18th Aug 2001, 04:15
"...touch base..."

criticalmass
18th Aug 2001, 04:25
Ragspanner just hit my least favourite buzzword - "proactive".

What's wrong with the word "active" anyway? Does it need a modifier in front of it to give it more emphasis? I don't think so!

Advice for the idiots and management flunkies that generate this sort of verbal s#it:- try looking up the word you're re-inventing in a decent English (not American) Dictionary. You may find it already means what you're trying to make it mean.

widgeon
18th Aug 2001, 05:42
http://www.dack.com/web/bullshit.html

I am sure I got this link here , but what goes around comes around .

BlueDiamond
18th Aug 2001, 07:08
I'm in line with ragspanner and criticalmass on the subject of "proactive". I believe it was invented as a supposed antonym to "reactive" or "reaction", the idea being that instead of waiting for something to happen and reacting to it, one should anticipate the event, thus becoming "proactive".

Another pet hate is the word "parenting". Can someone tell me what the offspring are doing while the parent is parenting? Childing? Childrening?

Turning a noun into a verb has become one of the best ways of producing [email protected] - "don't obsess", "access the database", "toilet the kids before bed" - the list goes on.

..... vacates soapbox for next contributor ...

Islander Jock
18th Aug 2001, 10:01
I had a complete [email protected] OC a couple of years before leaving the army. You could have the good old "[email protected] words bingo" sheet in front of you and have just about every box ticked within the first fifteen minuets. Some of his favourites were:
"embrace leading edge technology"
"win-win situation"
"empowerment at all levels"

Of course in the myre of all the vision and mission statements, you had to fully embrace the concept of "continuous improvement".

About 10 years ago there were some very clever spin doctors working with management consultancy firms who managed to hoodwink major companies into believing that they could not do without the new styles of leadership.

Even the Dept of Defence was conned to the max! :rolleyes:

Arm out the window
18th Aug 2001, 11:17
Don't forget the '(....)ability' words, made famous by our American mates.

eg 'we will increase the F99's survivability' (we will make it stronger)

'with this system, we can reach new levels of interoperability' (the components of our system will work together well)

And don't forget to throw in a few 'vis-a-vis' and 'au fait' when you're out to impress with your '[email protected]'.

tony draper
18th Aug 2001, 12:23
Thought criminals, this thread is doubleplus ungood, nothing wrong with newspeak or doublethink.
Well he nearly got it right.
B B I W Y.

airwave
18th Aug 2001, 13:27
Lets us not forget the soon-to-be-famous "burning platform" . If you havent used this one yet then go ahead and really piss off those people at work who love to spoil your day with a plethora of [email protected] Apart from pissing them off... it could get you a promotion! (yeah, right)

One other commonality in the emerging intrinsically customer-centric and homogenous vocabularial intra-communication arena (opps, sorry! ... couldnt help myself) is the "...isation" add. You can add this to almost anything you can think of if you are stuck for an impactful way to make you audience think you know something that they dont.
Horizontalisation (you can use this as a chat-up [email protected] for like-minded corporate climbers)
Productisation (dont know what thi means and no-one ever dared to ask, but everyone is using it anyway)
Bollockisation (I made that up but it sounds like it could find it's way in the world if we give it a chance and say it with a serious face)
:D

Grainger
18th Aug 2001, 13:39
OK - this has got to be the worst company slogan ever.

Siemens body scanners - normally quite sensible people - have decided that a good slogan for their medical scanners would be:

"Best Practice Integration" :eek:

Now WTF that means I have no idea...

Check it out at:

http://www.smed.com/news/press/2001/02-05b.php

Worst company slogan ever ? Unless, of course, you know better...

VFE
18th Aug 2001, 14:48
A few more "buzz phrases":

"Let me run this one past you.."

"By and large" (cracks me up everytime!)

"In a sense" (Someone please explain what this means!)

"Essentially" (Legal folk favourite!)

Arm out the window
18th Aug 2001, 15:12
Have we had 'Level Playing Field' yet??!

boris
18th Aug 2001, 16:40
How about the well worn "back of a fag packet calculation", well loved by many and the excrutiating "long trouser decisions"
The embarrassment of having to ask for an explanation of that latter piece of cr*p will stay with me for a long time!

airwave
18th Aug 2001, 18:06
dont forget the bollockisation of the burning platform...

Charlie Foxtrot India
18th Aug 2001, 18:37
At the end of the day...
If a person you work with is a complete ********, and you are both sent off for "counselling" because you don't spend all day in a mutual appreciation mode then you know you're in for some best practice level playing field teamwork total quality management facilitating bollocks within a certain time frame so that you can get a heads up and touch base and think outside the box and end up so pi$$ed off with it all because you never got any work done because of the touchy feely bull$hit and you were in meetings all the time and you had to work late for no overtime because you had no chance of getting any work done at all during your shift.
So you use the meetings to catch up on your sleep. And eventually you quit and start your own business.
What is the latest best practice at the end of the day total quality management way of waking someone up in a meeting?

Velvet
18th Aug 2001, 19:50
I always hated being told 'just give me the bottom line' - wtf does it mean?

Think outside the box, there are no parameters, shift pardigm and B2B.

Now B2B was always a good one - business to business - translates as no customers so we'll sell our service internally.

VFE
18th Aug 2001, 19:54
Had a 'team meeting' in the boardroom the other day and just as the 'Team Leader' was about to start proceedings my collegue Gavin piped up:

"Before you start babbling can I just say that I think this boardroom table would make for a rude game of blow football!" :p

Everyone was in stiches but the 'Team Leader' was not amused!

Ah - meetings, we love them because it lets us sit and do nothing for a couple of hours and that's how it should be! ;)

VFE.

Loki
18th Aug 2001, 20:23
Great thread!

My least favourite example:

"My door is always open"

(until you need my help,you miserable worm)

How about

"I`m a people person"

VFE
18th Aug 2001, 20:48
Does anyone watch 'The Office' on BBC.2 on Monday nights? Ricky Gervais is the best!

Watch it and you should see most of the above phrases included!

Grainger
18th Aug 2001, 21:48
"Job of work" - as opposed to the sort of jobs that don't involve work ?

"Value judgement" - er, what other sort of judgements are there ?

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

PAXboy
18th Aug 2001, 23:13
Like others, I too have a file of rubbish that I have heard in presentations over the years. In my job, I am usually buying things, so I get a lot of sales s***.

The one I remember best was a prat from AT&T who was talking about some wonder new service/device/can opener that they were selling and he was getting carried away with how this would change the life of large companies who were globalising (as they say!).

He was so excited that he ran out of words and then had to invent one, and I quote: "This will enable you to concentrate on your ... [he struggled to find the right word, having already used every adjective he knew], concentrate on your globality!"

It certainly was a load of global objects. :p

NoSurrender
18th Aug 2001, 23:14
So just what is a "long trouser decision" then?

Tricky Woo
18th Aug 2001, 23:42
"In a sense" is a polite bulls**t expression that roughly translates as "Wrong, you tosser".

TW

Loki
19th Aug 2001, 00:34
There`s one that seems to be a favourite expression of those involved in hi-tech systems:

An undocumented feature = it doesn`t work properly.

and:

Workaround = a way to get it to function even if one is afflicted by said feature

Bally Heck
19th Aug 2001, 02:12
Pull the python, Bash the Bishop, Tickle the trouser snake, polish Kojaks head, Have a sherman Oh ****, not that kind of [email protected], bugger, sorry, shoulda read the rest of the thread. Oh god I feel so embarrassed. Er I think my methodolgy may be fatally flawed. But I've taken it on board and I am moving forward..backward...forward...backward...forward. Oops sorry sorry I'll go now. :rolleyes:

tony draper
19th Aug 2001, 02:34
Its just herd identification language, every passtime, job, profession uses this, it says ,I'm one of you, I know the language and the secret words and phrases.
Since the moon landing even pen pusher's have adopted techno speak.
Remember when every thing became a system?, shoes were not shoe's but foot comfort systems, shampoo became hair management systems.

[ 18 August 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Jungle Strip
19th Aug 2001, 03:26
My employer -- a large airline -- would wish to feedback at this time that comments like this could adversely impact on its track record.

Charlie Foxtrot India
19th Aug 2001, 04:55
And where we used to have "systems" now we have "solutions".
Time to get rid of the "flying school" tag, and do some "flight training solutions" perhaps. We could have take off solutions, landing solutions, navigation solutions, engine failure solutions, flying-in-the-dark solutions, flying-when-you-can't-see-where-you're-going solutions...
Why didn't I think of this cutting edge marketing strategy before!
Quick, call the Yellow Pages, Jan! ...Jan??

[ 19 August 2001: Message edited by: Charlie Foxtrot India ]

AyrTC
19th Aug 2001, 17:48
Try retalliating by stamping /signing documments

a)C.R.A.P = Completly Reveiw All Procedures

b)*.U.N.T= Can't Understand New Techniques

Do this and you will become a (unemployed) legend

AyrTC :D

Grainger
19th Aug 2001, 18:09
Of all the nouns used as verbs, the very worst just has to be 'leverage'.

You know; "... leverage the existing infrastructure of the customer support deployment base... "

I haven't even got the faintest idea what's going on here :rolleyes:

Grainger
20th Aug 2001, 11:58
Very interesting...

This stuff seems to be universally hated - not one reply yet in defence of it !

What's this? a consensus :eek:

stickyb
20th Aug 2001, 11:59
About 20 years ago had a great boss who sometimes got his words mixed up (mind you, he was clever enough to do it on purpose, great chap)

So we sometimes had phrases like "lets get this boat on the road" and "square pegs don't go round corners"

Used to crack up any meeting at which he used them, and he used to look so surprised that anyone would laugh.

Qwin T Senshall
20th Aug 2001, 13:46
Mr Draper

Your post on page 4 hits the nail on the head, sir. Oh, and erm, do you have a view on Systems Engineering?

I reckon that there is an inverse relationship between crapspeak used in an organisation and its efficiency. I cite as example 1 - the UK Ministry of Defence, the principle product of which is acronyms.

I am, sir, your obedient servant

Qwin T Senshall
NFI, NBG and bar, milk no sugar ta.

Stiff Lil' Fingers
20th Aug 2001, 15:44
My all time favourite has to be 'customer value proposition'. What this means, I have no clue!

captainowie
20th Aug 2001, 16:12
The Discount Variety Store (there's one already!!) that I work for recently changed ownership. As part of the change, all employees recieved an "employment pack" which basically set out the terms & conditions of our new employment. Amongst the [email protected], there was a letter to all employees informing them that we are now no longer mere employees, but Team Members, who report to the Team Leaders. The Head Office in now known as the Support Centre, and the Warehouse became the Distribution Cenre.

If I may quote from the above letter:

"Dear Team Member

On behalf of M##### Retail Limited, we would like to welcome you on board.

You are now a Team Member of one of the most unique retail businesses in Australia. A business that owns more than one third of the Discount Variety Market, and growing."

blah blah we're so great.. It gets better...

"Our knowledge of the industry tells us that the C#### P#####' Teams are dedicated retailers who are intimate with everyday market needs in particular in stock management. We hope to draw from your experience and apply our product ranges in line with your recommendations.

We ask that be patient over the couple of weeks as we roll out our very diverse range of stock to your stores." [This next bit really takes the cake.] "You will find that the absence of plannogramming will allow you to exercise your creative muscle and become true 'merchants'."

It went on to describe the above changes to "our every day retail terminology"
and continues:

"As you can see we emphasise the Team aspect of our business.

With this in mind we have directed a number of our Team Leaders ('Buddies') to assist you during your first week of transition. Your 'Buddy' will be introducing you to the day-to-day operational requirements of the business and hopefully make the process of change easier for you.

Your Area Co-ordinator will be there for follow-up and ongoing support.

In concluding, we would like to wish you every success for the future and look forward to your support and commitment.

Good luck! We look forward to working with you, and to meeting you all shortly.

Kindest regards

JOINT MANAGING DIRECTORS "

I had to read it a couple of times to make sure it was real. But there it is.

We have since been exercising our creative muscle, but we still aren't true merchants. Please explain?!? :confused: :confused: :confused:

edited 'cos it didn't look quite right.

edited again as a result of some friendly advice.

[ 20 August 2001: Message edited by: Captainowie ]

[ 20 August 2001: Message edited by: Captainowie ]

Flyingcircus.
20th Aug 2001, 16:22
Captainowie, I have one thing to say to you.

Bingo!! :D :p :D :p

dazedandconfused
20th Aug 2001, 16:38
This isnt really a wierd term but has anyone else encountered the inspiring words: "You're doing really well..!"? Guaranteed to really pi$$ you off!

In my case they are usually followed by: "Why have you stopped? Why are you looking at me like that? Dont hit me..!" or words to that effect. :mad:

Charlie Foxtrot India
20th Aug 2001, 17:18
Ah yes, the plannogram....
in other words, should you have two or three facings of Whiskas Dead Fish Flavour on your shelf etc etc.
Talking of plannograms, one year on April 1, (in my former life as a store manager for the Co-op) there was a meeting called regarding the plannograms for new product "Pet Pampers" (That's Huggies for you aussies out there) some argued that doggy nappies should be next to the human baby version, others that it should be next to the pal, chum, whiskas etc, and others for the "feminine hygiene" department.
Seriously the meeting went on for ages before we realised what was going on...because it hadn't been entered into the PLU system for the till scanners.

At least the "merchandising co-ordinators" had a sense of humour. :p

Grainger
20th Aug 2001, 18:57
Few things have me reaching for the sick-bag faster than the smug self-satisfied "Can-do attitude":

1) The Can Do Attitude does not think if, it thinks how?

2) The Can Do Attitude does not think maybe, it thinks when?

3) The Can Do Attitude thinks of possibilities, then decides to make them realities.

4) The Can Do Attitude does not think it can, it knows it can with the correct
support and effort.

5) The Can Do Attitude is practical and knows it takes work to see dreams come
true - and it works smarter not harder to achieve them.

6) The Can Do Attitude believes in itself, it believes in other people it believes in the Organization, it believes in the future and wants to be a major part of it.

7) The Can Do Attitude knows when to work and when to rest. When to ask for help,
and when to go it alone.

8) The Can Do Attitude sees constant change as constant opportunity.

9) The Can Do Attitude cares about itself and looks out for the welfare of others.

10) The Can Do Attitude is a winner that knows a champion attains greatness by overcoming its own weakness and by helping others to grow to their full potential.

11) The Can Do Attitude stands tall on its own accomplishments, not by stepping on others.

12) The Can Do Attitude only knows one way to act and live: with courage, confidence, conviction and integrity.
:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

How about the "stop bugging me and get it your fukking self" attitude ?

tony draper
20th Aug 2001, 20:28
Who in the MOD thinks up these daffy names for military operations now, I mean operation Essencial Harvest, come on.
One time they had a macho warlike ring to them, Operation Broadsword or Rolling Thunder,
What next, Operation Picking Daisies. ;)

"What did you do in the war daddy"?
"I took part in Operation Ladies Hairdresser, but I don't like to talk about it son". ;)

Tricky Woo
20th Aug 2001, 20:36
History records that the blokes on 'Operation Overlord' used to laugh and point at those on 'Operation Market Garden', who in turn felt greatly superior to those on 'Operation Tea and Biscuits'. Of course that last Op is still a bit hush hush. Best not to talk about it.

TW

Onan the Clumsy
20th Aug 2001, 21:02
"OK - this has got to be the worst company slogan ever...

...Unless, of course, you know better..."

Wasn't it Delta who called themselves

"The airline run by Professionals"

That must have been comforting.

tony draper
20th Aug 2001, 21:07
I read somewhere that the CIA used to pick some great names for covert ops like, Operation Penetrate Moscow Central, of course the KGB were stupid, and would have no idea what this was about, so eventualy they used a computer to generate random titles for ops.
They should just have asked the MOD. ;)

Tricky Woo
20th Aug 2001, 21:38
Funnily enough the Russians used to do just that: Ask the MOD. The MOD used to give 'em the answers too.

Wouldn't be gentlemanly to lie to 'em, would it. That'd be descending to their level.

TW

Onan the Clumsy
20th Aug 2001, 23:41
I heard the Germans had the same problem in WW2. They liked that Wagner stuff so much that they used it for some of their code names.

[Scene 1, Bletchley house early am]

Whitaker Major: "I say Dixon. Caught a bit of a transmission from Gerry last night. They were mentioning what a super job Freyer was doing. Any ideas?"

Dixon: "Hmm, sounds like the second act of the Ring Cycle to me. Freyer, Ah yes, couldn't she see throught walls or something?"

WM: "That rings a bell. Jolly useful if you ask me. [smirking] I know a few walls I'd like to look through".

Dixon: "Probably radar then. I'll just give Whitehall a tinkle"

WM: "Right ho."


Ok, so I may need to research some of the actual facts here...

tony draper
21st Aug 2001, 00:23
Apparently the CIA did get one up on Ivan.
In the early days of Satellite spying they discovered that Ivan a stickler for doing every thing the same, put a barbed wire fence around secret bases, very, very, secret bases got two barbed wire fences, very, very,very,ultra top secret facilities got three,so those dastardly Americanski's just kept careful toot for anything enclosed in three barbed wire fences.
Poor Ivan was scratching his head wondering how those dammed yanks got on to their ultra stuff so quickly. ;)

HugMonster
21st Aug 2001, 00:49
The other spy story I heard was about a guy (who shall remain nameless) being called into his boss's office and asked what his father thought he did for a living.

"He thinks I'm a spy"
"Good God! Whatever gave him that idea?"
"Well, he bumped into the chief in White's, and he told him"
"What about your mother?"
"Well, she thinks I work for something called the Secret Service"
"How did she come to that conclusion?"
"She plays bridge with the chief's wife"
"And how about your wife?"
"Ah - she knows exactly what I do"
"My GOD! How come?"
"Well, since she's been my secretary for longer than she's been my wife and sees most of the material that I see, I think it may just have dawned on her by now"

Tricky Woo
21st Aug 2001, 02:08
This is all so much more interesting than [email protected], isn't it?

Love live the digression.

TW

Arm out the window
21st Aug 2001, 07:12
Yes, definitely.

I sense that we're really brainstorming and getting some great synergy from this, in an holistic way, of course.

At this rate, we are bound to increase corporate knowledge, send morale sky-high and get the jump on our competitors.

Remember though, it behooves us to keep focussed at the coal face.

Any questions?

biggles mate
21st Aug 2001, 15:41
Yes we can work through this noses to the wall,back to the grind stone, we can think inside the triangle , in this lose lose situation............
..........ramble......ramble......ramble.......$hit I need coffee hhhhheeeeeellllllppppppppp :rolleyes: :eek: :D ;)

Stiff Lil' Fingers
21st Aug 2001, 16:24
Another one that gets me into a wild rage is 'strawman'. I mean what's wrong with using draft??

Grrrrrrrr

gravity victim
21st Aug 2001, 17:25
One nicked by business from the world of aviation: You don't start something any more, apparently, you 'Roll it out.'

Other horrible cliches - "360 degree appraisal" (eh?) and "going for the low-hanging fruit".

My last company started calling customers "client investors." Much of this drivel emanated from the London Business School, where they sent managers on courses. (Shares were at 18, now a snip at 7!)

:confused:

arrow2
21st Aug 2001, 17:54
Please, please, please no more - this is all just too true to life where I am - why can't people see just what total and utter [email protected] they appear when giving it all this???

Well I guess that a side effect of mature years is being able to see through all this [email protected] just for what it is....

A2

swashplate
21st Aug 2001, 20:06
We'll have to finish this thread off by 'end of play' today!!! :rolleyes:

Grainger
21st Aug 2001, 20:54
No worries swash - I've been getting such a 'warm fuzzy' from you all - it's great to know we are all 'on the same page' and 'singing from the same hymnsheet'.

With positivity like this and a 'can-do' attitude, I'm confident that we can network our way to retire all risks and satisfy all the essential requirements of our mission statement objectives in a functional team-oriented way.

In other words - if I don't have 100 posts on my desk by tomorrow morning YOU'RE ALL FIRED !!!!!!

biggles mate
21st Aug 2001, 23:41
Mr/Mam/Miss/Ms/Dr/Master/Gender nonepacific/Grainger.
You can not fire me as I withdraw my services forthwith........I QUIT.......so there na....na. :D :D :D ;)

Loki
21st Aug 2001, 23:50
Saw a dreadful example recently: "disbenefit" instead of "penalty"

It got me really cross.

Grainger
22nd Aug 2001, 00:17
And why do Americans refer to salary as 'compensation' ?

Surely compensation is what you get when something terrible has happened to you...

... ahhh, working for the yanks - light begins to dawn

Grainger
22nd Aug 2001, 00:20
biggsy:

That's OK mate - it's just 'Grainger'.

No need to stand on ceremony.

You too draper - you're always so polite with the 'Mr G' but just Grainger is fine. :cool:

shocka
22nd Aug 2001, 17:42
EMPOWERED:EMPOWERMENT.

bcfc
22nd Aug 2001, 18:22
Just got out of a meeting where the 'meeting champion' :rolleyes: suggested we break for some 'wet'. By this, the farker meant a cuppa.

We also discussed 'Top Down Thinking' and 'Value Provocations'. These lead onto 'Value Propositions'.

Jees, I make a living out of this crap and I've absolutely no idea what it means :D

dazedandconfused
22nd Aug 2001, 18:28
The one guarenteed way to advance your office career:

Talk absolute b*ll*cks and make up loads of big words so that everyone, including your boss, thinks you know what your talking about. Noone will ever question what you say for fear of looking stupid. :D

Grainger
22nd Aug 2001, 18:50
Was in a meeting once where someone suggested we take a break in order to visit the "Comfort Station" :rolleyes:

What's wrong with Bog, Crapper or just plain old Toilet ?

I usually take great delight in telling these types that "I'm going for a slash" :D

aidybennett
22nd Aug 2001, 18:53
The care industry is great for coming up with this c***.
'Feedback' 'Appraissal' 'One-to-one' 'Inapproiate speach' etc-The list is endless. When writing a report about a resident one can never state directely what they were like . E.G. "Fred appeared to be unsettled at the begining of the shift."
Translation-"Fred threw a plate at me, tried to bite another resident and pushed his fist through a glass window.."
:rolleyes:

boris
23rd Aug 2001, 13:29
Sorry, haven`t been paying attention.

No Surrender,
As patiently explained to me by a five star exponent of w*nkwords, a "long trouser decision" is the opposite of "short trousers", i.e. big boys vs. small boys. Boring, I know.

TD and "systems",
Do you remember the "Systems Timetables" used by a couple of companies a few years ago, bravely pioneered by British Midland and followed by a few others? Now dead RIP.