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tony draper
16th Aug 2001, 23:48
Draper was sitting on his back step today enjoying the sunshine,
It was a pleasent day and the sun was warm on his old head,
suddenly one of those cloud thingies appeared causing the
termination of these pleasing rays in a most annoying manner.
Draper decided to give this matter some thought, are these things
really necessary?, they appear at random they are of untidy
appearance,and they appear to serve no useful function but cause
the pretty blue sky to look downright lumpy.
Why don't the authorities do something about them?, silly question
of course,
if Draper cannot persuade the corporation to act on the man
with the wooden leg three doors up, what hope is there for action
on the cloud problem.
So, notwithstanding Draper has decided to take action off his own
bat as it were.
I propose to look into the feasibility of hiring half a dozen of those
Jambo 747 airoplanes, or whatever it is they are called.
The benches where the people sit will be removed although
it will be necessary to leave a chair for the driver to sit on.
After some quick calculations, I have decided that seventeen
thousandof those new fangled electrical carpet sweepers of the
flexible pipe andsucker type can be installed, holes of a suitable
size will be drilled thru the ceiling of the Jambo to the outside, and
the pipes of the sucking machines threaded thru.
All that needs to be done then, is for the aircraft to be flown in circles
around the towns a troubled by clouds and hoover them all up, for a
small fee of course.
As in all good idea's this one has simplicity and elegance on its side,
The detail require a little work as yet,the costs looked into workmen
hired for hole drilling and switching on seventeen thousand hoovers,
As these craft only require to be flown in circles we shall probable
need only a learner pilot chappie,
also distances between clouds appear small so large amounts of
petrol will not be consumed by the aircraft motors.
Draper is suprised that no one in authority has thought of this simple
method of improving our lives,a little sunlight does wonders for the
brain cells,but what can one expect, bloody politicians.
;)

[ 16 August 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Gash Handlin
17th Aug 2001, 00:23
oops,

looks like the medication's run out again!

could someone pop down to the shops and pick up Drapers prescription, they'll know what you're after.

Man-on-the-fence
17th Aug 2001, 00:36
Ah tony old boy.

I have an idea to save any additional expense in your otherwise excellent plan.

Merely set the hoover thingy's to blow instead of suck and blow these troublesome clouds to Wales where they can be put to good use dropping their contents on the Welsh, who , after all deserve it.

A good idea no???

tony draper
17th Aug 2001, 00:53
Well Mr Fence Your idea has merit and once the company is established perhaps we shall give it some thought ,however, I forsee difficulties, from my careful observasions of these objects, they appear to be manufactured from some kind of cold white smoke and don't weigh much, blowing on them one suspects will simply cause lumps to fly off, and our drivers would have a hell of a job chasing these about the sky, bare in mind we intend to hire pilots of err, somewhat limited skill for economy sake. ;)

[ 16 August 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Gash Handlin
17th Aug 2001, 01:00
You may have a problem there draper, the Navy's quite short of pilots as it is

Grainger
17th Aug 2001, 01:45
Hey drapes - have you ever read "Glide Path" by Arthur C Clarke ?

To assist landing in the fog, they fitted up burners all along both sides of the runway and pumped 50,000 gallons an hour of fuel oil through 'em, then set light to the whole lot.

30 foot flames down both sides of the runway for a combined fog dispersal system and landing lights. Worked a treat! Just had to watch out for the updraught and make sure you keep it right on the centreline :eek:

tony draper
17th Aug 2001, 02:16
Good Grief,man I would have thought fog would be to soft to land on, certainly daring you lot. ;)

PS, I liked some of AC Clarks early stuff Fall of Moondust, Childhoods End,whatever happened to old Authur, his face never used to be off the box when matters scientific were up for discusion, haven't seen him for a long time.

[ 16 August 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Rollingthunder
17th Aug 2001, 04:04
Puzzled here Mr.D.
Wouldn't the four very large hoover type thingies already conveniently attached to the wings suck up more than the 17,000 household models?

Kermit 180
17th Aug 2001, 11:47
That system for burning fog off was used by the RAF in WWII for bombers returning from raids on Nazi Occupied Europe. They called it FIDO (Fog, Intensive Dispersment Of), and I am told that 2,486 aircraft landed by VE day using FIDO.

Sorry, couldn't resist sticking some facts in here. Arthur C Clarke, isn't he in trouble for something?

Kermie :)

You want it when?
17th Aug 2001, 13:57
Rollingthunder do you not consider the efficiency of the four big hoovers under the wings would be reduced if they were not allowed to expel the combusted cloud out of the back?

Now Mr D. has a good idea, however it would need to be modified as the little hoovers won't suck much in - we need to have either some big scoops, or everyone leans out of the window with a black bin bag to "catch" their part of the cloud. The retained product will be stored in the bottom of the 747 in big tanks. Rather than go and dump this on the Welsh (who really do have enough of their own water) we can take it to and dump it on Torquay - The English Rivera as they are snobs.

Failing that there is always the off-chance that those chaps in the middle east would swap it for a gallon or two of oil.

Mr D. whats the biggest plane you can borrow? We could trial this on that, would the owners mind awfully if we stripped the seats, knocked out the windows and put a paddling pool in the hold? Of course we could try it on the C150 I get to bend but the capacity is really limited.

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: You want it when? ]

Don D Cake
17th Aug 2001, 14:55
I've got a large paddling pool if you need to borrow it. I've also got several spare bin bags as next door is empty but the bin men keep leaving bags every week.

Incipient Sinner
17th Aug 2001, 14:55
Dear Draper,

I must complain most strongly and ask you not to continue with this plan of yours.

Clouds are lovely, they add depth and beauty to an otherwise boring sky and have been the subject of many a well known literary work. (I wandered lonely ...etc)

More to the point though, they mark thermals for those of us that don't need engines to go aviating. :cool:

tony draper
17th Aug 2001, 14:59
Draper has had no dealings with these aeroplane thingies, and this would be a happier country were every one to use a bicycle for transportation such as Draper has for the last fifty years, nor do we approve of Englishmen going to foreign parts without benifit of Uniform or Martini Henry,
If a holiday is necessary, there exists places in our green and pleasant land that are perfectly adequate,Skegness, Blackpool,ect , mark his words all this foreign travell will lead ultimatly to disafection among the lower orders.
harrummpp, anyway, one will have to hire someone with expertise, in this heavier than are machinery, as to the number of wheels, how much petrol ect,the secret of good business is to realise ones own limitations.
As for the selling on of cloud material, can't say even as inventive a mind such as Draper possesses, can think of a use for white smoke.

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

I'd rather
17th Aug 2001, 15:16
I can! You harness the smoke and use it for communication purposes - you know, smoke signals!

Replace our current telecoms network with smoke signal stations - no need for all those nasty, unsightly pylons and no more mobile phone-induced fried brains etc.

I humbly offer my services to develop this part of the business, which, I think, could turn into a nicely profitable sideline.

Whaddyathink?

Cardinal Puff
17th Aug 2001, 15:44
White smoke? A thousand and one uses. Every one knows electronic thingummybobs run on white smoke. One is convinced there would be a market among the wily oriental types for the stuff. Perhaps they would send some of their electrickery operated thingies to the hill tribes of the old Raj and their compatriots farther North in exchange for some aviation spirit to keep the aerodromes flying or whatever it is they do....

Tricky Woo
17th Aug 2001, 16:20
Hi All,

I hate to digress on this excellent thread, but does anyone else object to the lack of proper darkness over our cities at night? I believe that astronomers refer to this problem as 'light pollution'. Well, whatever it's called, it's about time someone sorted it out once and for all.

Modern technology is now at the stage whereby thick curtains should no longer be a requirement in order to obtain a good night's kip.

The major culprits, off the top of my head:

Shoddily designed street light, which divert far too much light upwards, rather than downwards, so that they can efficiently illuminate drunks, muggers and nasty old ladies smelling of wee. I've heard that astronomical types are also a bit concerned about this, but sod them.

Next, the Moon. I've always thought that the Moon is unnecessarily bright. When I consulted my encyclopaedia, it quite specifically referred to the 'dark-side of the Moon' in sevferal places. After a minute or two of deep, carefully considered thought, I had a moment of catharsis... that quickly passed, and it was then that I had a quite brilliant idea: Why not simply turn the Moon around so that the dark-side faces the earth? Simple, huh? I'm not sure how hard this would be, but these scientific types are quite ingenius once you point 'em in the right direction.

While they're at it, they can fill in a few of the Moon's bomb craters, as I consider them to be unsightly.

Scientific types have led me to believe that there's not much we can do about the planets or stars due to their somewhat remote locations. However, never say die. Any ideas?

Something should be done.

TW

BlueDiamond
17th Aug 2001, 16:36
We could sell the cloud stuff to the U.S. of A. where they're all busy making those chemtrail thingummyjobbies. Sooner or later they will run out of whatever base they are currently using in their tanks and will have nothing to mix their additives with.

I reckon that cloud stuff would be ideal for their purpose and Draper would have a ready made market for the product of his magnificent inspiration.

Further, if you could compress the stuff to the point where it became a solid, you could probably carry several years' worth in one delivery ... and just think how valuable that would be to the chemtrail manufacturers. Goodness, Draper, you might even be able to afford a visit to Australia, just like Uncle Danny, where everyone knows the sun always shines with never a cloud to worry about!!!

:D :D :D

gravity victim
17th Aug 2001, 18:38
The Vatican will need some white smoke soon when they choose the next Pope, 'cos they have a funny habit of puffing it out of the chimney to show when they have decided who is next man in. I'm sure they would buy a job lot, and they are loaded...

I'd rather
17th Aug 2001, 18:41
Help the chemtrailers? And cause EVEN MORE stress and worry to those rather strange folks in Texas with too much time on their hands?

Noooooooo, BlueDiamond, we couldn't do that...Or could we?

[chuckles evilly]

tony draper
17th Aug 2001, 19:07
Hmmm perhaps, that could be a sound plan, Draper has a peter pan telescope, and along with his Boys own Astronomy,1935, edition has spent many a pleasent night perusing the heaven,s.
I understand that the desert regions to the west of our Virginia colonies possess very dark skies,a trade in cloud cover for darkness could should perhaps be encouraged.
This would undoubtedly be good for the balance of payments also.
Could be a gong in this for Draper.

Grainger
17th Aug 2001, 19:55
Just leave the lens cap on, tony...

then you'll see dark skies through your telescope anywhere in the world :D