View Full Version : Friday Joke Time

16th Apr 2004, 12:46

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next -door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

"If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure."

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.

However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

"Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity."

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

"Always let your boss have the first say".

16th Apr 2004, 17:21
I was in a cemetery last night. Saw a bloke with muddy wellington boots and a shovel over his shoulder.

I said, "Do you dig graves?"

And he said, "Yeah, they're alright."

16th Apr 2004, 19:41
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, its evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

16th Apr 2004, 19:52
A young lady is extremely concerned to find that she has developed green marks on the inside of her upper thighs.
She goes to see her doctor, who examines her, but can offer no medical explanation. He refers her to a specialist.
The specialist examines her, and like his colleague, can offer no medical explanation.
As the lady is desperate to discover what her mystery ailment is, the specialist decides to refer her to a quack doctor in a nearby town.
The quack takes a look, and immediately asks her:
"Is your boyfriend a gypsy?"
"yes", she replies

"Well, tell him his ear-rings aren't gold".

Standard Noise
16th Apr 2004, 19:55
One Sunday morning, and the congregation were settled waiting for the vicar to appear for morning service. Suddenly the door to the vestry bursts open and in walks the Devil. Panic breaks out and people flle the church while the Devil shouts that he will have their souls.

When Old Nick stops bellowing, he notices one old man still sitting on a pew with his bible in hand.
Nick says " Do you you know who I am?"
"Yep," replies the old man.
"And are you not afraid of me?" asks Nick
"Nope," replies the pensioner calmly.
"Do you not realise that I could kill you in an instant and have your soul for ever?" asks Nick.
"Suppose you could," says the old man.
"Or I could kill you in a very slow and agonising way," says Nick.
"So what's your point?" asks the old man.
"Well I am the dark one and I could make you suffer in hell for all eternity, so tell me old man, why are you not afraid?"

"Cos I've been married to your bloody sister for the last 48 years!"

16th Apr 2004, 20:43
Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband
that the doctor said she only had 24hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her.
Of course he agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later,Alma
to him again,and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe
we could make
love again?"
Paul agrees and again they make love. Later, Alma is getting into bed when
she realised she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's
shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please? Just one more time before I die."
he agreed, then afterward he rolled over and fell asleep.
Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head,and she tossed and
until she was down to only four more hours.
She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up."Honey, I only have
four hours left! Could we...?"
Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said:
"Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

16th Apr 2004, 21:16
An Irish fella goes to the Doctor with potty problems.... "Dactor, it's me a*se. I'd needs ya ta hava look".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a 20 pound note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears. This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur jezz sakes yank it out," shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare ?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "1,990 pounds exactly."

Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

17th Apr 2004, 08:40
Mr Cohen had a glass eye. Every night he took it out and popped it into a glass of water next to his bed.

One night when he'd taken a little too much liffey water he woke up with a terrible thirst, grabbed the glass by his bed and slurped it down. Then he dropped back off to sleep.

In the morning he was puzzled to find his eye not where it should be. Then he realised he'd been as newted as a lord the previous evening and thought he must have dropped the eye and it had rolled under the bed. It wasn't there, so he got the spare one from its box and rushed off to work.

Mid-morning he developed a bit of a stomach ache. He didn't think too much about it - after all the gins had been followed by the red wine, then the sixteen lagers, Irish coffees and curry.

But the pain persisted and seemed like a lead weight in his gut. It got worse and worse and lower and lower. Two days later it was really bad. He went to the doctor and explained about the curry and his painful intestine.

"Okay, drop your trousers and bend over."

The doctor took a look at his bum, scratched his head, turned his desk light on the problem and had another look. He straightened up: "Mr Cohen," he said. "You want me to examine you, you've got to trust me."

Er... I'll be off now!

Big Tudor
17th Apr 2004, 08:46
Why do women like Arsenal Footbal Club.

'Cos there on top for ages but always come second! :E

17th Apr 2004, 09:43
A man one day asked his wife what she would do if he were to pass away.
"Would you give my clothes away to someone who needed them?" he asked.
"Most likely, I suppose you wouldnt need them anymore" she replied.
"Would you give my car away to someone in need of transport then?" he questioned.
"Well I have a car so I might do that also" said his wife.
"What about my golf clubs what would you do with them?"
"They would just stay in the garage, afterall he is left handed"

19th Apr 2004, 16:59
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in
there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the
hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand here..."

19th Apr 2004, 17:45
A woman was walking along a beach when she saw a bottle sticking out of the sand.
Picking it up, she thought to herself 'I wonder if there's a Genie is this?'
All of a sudden there was a tremendous bang and puff of smoke and out came the Genie.

'Have I got three wishes?' said the woman

'Naah' said the Genie, 'that's a load of old cobblers. You get one wish and make it snappy. I've been in there for 600 years and I've got a terrible headache.'

'OK' says the woman, and produces a map of the Middle East.

'Can you sort this out for me so there's peace everywhere?'

'Haven't you got something a bit easier?' says the Genie. I'm a bit rusty on the old wishes and need to get my hand in with something a bit less taxing.'

'Mmm' says the woman 'OK, can you find me a nice bloke, who'd make a good husband - someone kind, affectionate, solvent, and gets on with my parents?'

Genie: 'Let's have another look at that map......'

Onan the Clumsy
19th Apr 2004, 23:17
I remember a recent election in France, where the polls were turning against one of the contenders. And s for a few days Jacques Le Pen considered forming a coalition government...

...with Pierre Le Pencil

Onan the Clumsy
20th Apr 2004, 01:45
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The
tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station
where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for
this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing
your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak
at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What
Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper
sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I
assumed you had stolen the car."

20th Apr 2004, 14:16
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication

on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"


TEACHER : No, that's wrong

GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?


TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have

today that we didn't have ten years ago.


TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?

GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILAINE : I is...

TEACHER : No, Millie ..... Always say, "I am."

MILAINE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the

same day, same time."

TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his

father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing
Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"

LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers

before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly

the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on

talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

20th Apr 2004, 17:31
Teacher: There is a big test tomorrow, I do not expect anyone to be absent, is that clear?

Alex: Miss! Can I be excused from the test and claim sexual exhaustion?

Teacher: No, You'll just have to write with the other hand.

20th Apr 2004, 21:42
Q: What do you call a person playing snooker whilst balancing a pint of beer on their head?

A: Beertricks Potter

I'll get me coat.......

20th Apr 2004, 22:03
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.

So what are you going to win this year then?

21st Apr 2004, 09:54
A little old couple walked slowly into a fast food establishment one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there's a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, [ scroll down!]


"The teeth."

22nd Apr 2004, 15:00
Blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in
And then you dump the stock.

New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married
is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over
plays dead...

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity
gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
buying me a drink."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that,
Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know? She said, "Because you didn't

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to
women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.....


Politicians and diapers have one thing in common....They should both be
changed regularly -- and for the same reason.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

22nd Apr 2004, 15:09
This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper...!!

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in Aberdeen and one of my sisters, who lives in Torry, is married to a guy from England. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Craiginches for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Craiginches Prison on remand on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel; however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being English?


22nd Apr 2004, 16:11
Between Pilots and Control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Onan the Clumsy
23rd Apr 2004, 13:08
Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly
established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year...
> > >
> > >91/2 Leeks
> > >Trefforest Gump
> > >Cwmando
> > >The Lost Boyos
> > >An American Werewolf in Powys
> > >Huw Dares Gwyneth
> > >Dai Hard
> > >The Wizard of Oswestry
> > >Cool Hand Look-you
> > >Sheepless in Seattle
> > >The Eagle has Llandudno
> > >The Magnificent Severn
> > >Haverfordwest Was Won
> > >Austin Powys
> > >The Magic Rhonddabout
> > >Independence Dai
> > >The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
That Time Forgot
> > >Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
> > >Welsh Connection
> > >Welsh Connection II
> > >The Bridge on the River Wye
> > >Lawrence of Llandybie
> > >A Beautiful Mind-you
> > >The Welsh Patient
> > >The King and Mair
> > >The Sheepshag Redemption
> > >Breakfast at Taffynys
> > >Look You Back in Bangor
> > >Evans Can Wait
> > >A Fishguard Called Rhondda
> > >Where Eagles Aberdare
> > >Dial M For Merthyr
> > >
> > >Please contact the Welsh Assembly for actual dates of release and for literal translations where needed.

Bob Upndown
23rd Apr 2004, 13:22
What's a pizza delivery boy and a gynaecologist got in common?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it :}

23rd Apr 2004, 13:34
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
When one of the fleas arrived in Miami last year, he was shivering and shaking.
The other flea asked him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea said, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a motorcycle."

The other flea responded saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try next summer.

A year goes by.....When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I couldn't believe it!

I was back in the moustache of a guy on a motorcycle!

23rd Apr 2004, 14:25
Two Irish lads (we`ll call `em Dave and John cos that`s their names) mange to survive the sinking of the Titanic, in fact they get real lucky and get a life boat all to themselves, however they float well away form the rest of survivors and hence get missed by the search and rescue effort. It`s freezing cold and they soon start surcoming to hyperthermia, as Dave is just loosing consciousness his hand falls over the side if the life boat and brushes against a floating lamp, and out pops the ever grateful genie,"Cheers lads you freed me have a wish each on the house".Dave thinks for a few seconds and then says "We`re dieing in this miserable place take us somewhere hot".As soon as he`s finished the pair of them are transported (boat `n all) to a tropical sea, no land in sight but a sweltering 40 degree celsius heat this does lift their flagging spirits for a while but within a few hours both are beginning to dehydrate badly at this point John declares "I know what my wish is,Genie" at which the genie appears"Ready for the last wish already lads?","Yup I`ve got a thirst that only a proper ale can quench, turn the ocean to Guiness!", with that said the genie disappears and the boat is left gently rocking in calm creamy white headed sea of Dublins finest."You moron, you f##king muppet" rants Dave "I can`t believe you just did that!!!", "Whats wrong, what did I do?"replys john "We`re gonna have to p**s inthe boat now"came the sullen reply


Lon More
23rd Apr 2004, 16:38
Another one for Big Tudor

What's the similarity between Arsenal and a three-pin plug?

They're both useless in Europe

23rd Apr 2004, 20:52
Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed.

He promises to sort his problem out himself ...

A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.

'What's wrong?' asks the wife.

'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'

'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'

'I got fired' says Fred.

His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact.

Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'

24th Apr 2004, 21:47
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective."
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied."
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

25th Apr 2004, 10:07
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

28th Apr 2004, 10:04
Catherine was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Catherine was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Kerry stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Catherine fished around in her handbag and pulled out a chocolate bar wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Catherine sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Dave popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Catherine dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Dave nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Catherine neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Darrell stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. Oh,Good grief," said Catherine, "Not the breathalyzer again!"...

Papa Charlie
28th Apr 2004, 15:23
Q: Did you hear about the blonde rabbit?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck!__

West Coast
28th Apr 2004, 16:24
What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot error.

29th Apr 2004, 00:23
A young married couple went to their pastor, seeking to join his Sunday School.

Preacher said, "I'll let you in the class, but to show your commitment to this, you must remain celibate for a month first."

The couple agreed. A month later, the preacher saw them after church and said, "Well, did you make it?"

The young man said, "Well, almost, preacher. We were about 4 days from making it the whole month, when I was overcome by lust. My wife bent over to pick up a box of cereal, and I just couldn't stop, I lifted up her skirt and went to town."

"Well, I'm sorry, you won't be welcome at our Sunday School, then."

"That's alright, I'm pretty sure we aren't welcome at the grocery store any more, either...."

4th May 2004, 13:43
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. :O

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. :confused:

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry,"he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, " but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". :8

5th May 2004, 12:29
Kevin was married to Wendy and they had been married for years but their sex life was getting a bit dull. :(
So Kevin decided that he would get 'Wendy' tattooed along the length of his pen1s to surprise her. :hmm:

The next day he went home and dropped his dacks and showed Wendy.
She was surprised but confused at the same time 'Kevin why does it only say Wy':confused:
'Because it says Wendy when it is erect' :=
'Oh' said Wendy

The next day Kevin was having a tinkle in the public toilets. He looked over to the guy next to him and noticed that he had 'Wy' tattooed on the length of his pen1s too.

'Are you married to a Wendy too?' Kevin asked

'Nah mate' said the bloke 'Mine says- Welcome to Wooloomaroo have a nice day' :ok:

5th May 2004, 17:35
747 F/O who had been given an unneccesarily hard time for the wholetrip eventualy turned to the gent in the left seat and asked him the difference is between a 74 and a sheep. On recieving a baffled look, explained that the private parts of a sheep were on the rear and outside.

SawThe Light
5th May 2004, 20:42
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava da broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa, ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel a shuvl. Ye left yon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pi$$ed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

As he approaches the mound the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells...........

6th May 2004, 07:29
A travelling magician had just finished up a 3 night gig,and was driving out of town one night on his way to the next town for a couple of shows.

As he drove on through the night he began to get tired. He happened to see a roadside sign up in the distance ,and slowed to read it.

"The Restwood Inn" 5 miles,the sign stated.

"Aww,thats what I need",the magician thought to himself."grab a room,a few drinks,some
supper,and just relax, no one to bother me."

After checking in,grabbing a bite to eat, a few drinks. He decided to head down to the pool area for a late night soak in the hot tub before bed.

While relaxing in the hottub (having even more drinks) another gentlemen joined him in the tub.

"Hey!"the gentleman said "I know you!"
"No you dont" the magician said.
"Sure I do,you're that magician fellow, show me a trick!" the gentleman asked.

The magician, gettig pissed off that he was being bothered said "No, not tonight pal."

"Oh I get it" the gentleman said "Just because you'e not on the stage with all your trick mirrors,and shadowy lights and your suit on to hide things up your sleeve you'e nothin, you're just a fake!"

The magician thought to himself "OK you [email protected] I'l show you a trick"

"Ok fella, I'll show you a trick"

The gentleman nodded

"First, stand-up"

"Bend over"

"Now can you feel my thumb up your @ss?" the magician aked.

"Sure I can"the gentleman stated "what's so great about that?"

The magician leaned over the gentlema's back,waved both thumbs in his face and exclaimed,


6th May 2004, 15:18
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher,She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples"

6th May 2004, 20:07
The sad life of a penis:

I only have one eye,
my hair is a mess,
my skin is wrinkly,
my relatives are nuts,
my neighbour's an @rsehole and my only friend is a c*nt


7th May 2004, 08:27
What's the difference between David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates??

David Beckham doesn't come in a posh box anymore!

7th May 2004, 08:52
Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said

"Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......." and his Mother said,

"Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story."

At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.

"Mommy, When I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."

7th May 2004, 09:06
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

Biggles Flies Undone
7th May 2004, 10:37
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbour’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says, "It's a pussy willow.

Old man says:

"Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

7th May 2004, 11:59
There was a woman who wanted bigger boobs.

She went to a doctor to find out if there was another way to get bigger boobs other than surgery.

He replied, "Yes, all that you have to do is say, 'Oogy,oogy I want bigger boobies' for 3 hours every day."

She was walking down the street saying, "Oogy, oogy I want bigger boobies."

All of a sudden a man walked up to her.

He asked, "Dr. Harris, right?"

"Yes," she replied. "How did you know?"

The man replied, "Hickory dickory dock!"

7th May 2004, 12:25
A large multi-national corporation hire the Savoy to hold their Christmas Dinner and Dance. The bash is solely for board level and senior management personnel. After five sumptuous courses have been eaten the various parties are all sitting back and relaxing, the men drinking expensive cognacs and smoking Havana cigars and the women drinking cocktails. The band start to play some Latin American style music and a solitary blonde bombshell struts across the dance floor and heads directly to the Chairman of the board’s table. She pulls him to the dance floor and proceeds to grind her body against his, nibbling his ear and thrusting herself against him in a wholly provocative manner. The Chairman appears to be thoroughly enjoying this, but as the band finish the song his dancing partner gives him a peck on the lips and he returns to his seat.

He sits down and his wife looks at him aghast, “Who the hell was that?” she demands. “That, my dear, was my Mistress. All senior exec’s at my level have one, if I didn’t the competition would think there was something strange going on and our share price could easily start to fall!” Mrs Chairman is none to pleased with the explanation and immediately demands a divorce. “If you divorce me, my dear”, says the Chairman, “you will lose the use of the Maserati as that belongs to the company, there will be no more Yacht in Monaco as that too belongs to the company, there’ll be no more villa in Marbella and there’s a good chance that the boys will have to leave Eton.”

The band start playing again after a short break and a striking brunette struts over to the Sales and Marketing Director’s table. They repeat exactly what had happened with the Chairman and then return to their respective seats. Back at the Chairman’s table his wife turns and asks who the brunette was? “That my dear was the Sales and Marketing Directors mistress.” He answers grumpily. His wife remains quiet and finally turns to him and says…….

“She’s not as nice as ours is she dear?”

7th May 2004, 20:03
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder, could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked, let me go and find out." and he leaves.

The couple sits and waits for an answer ... for a couple of months. While they wait, they discuss that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, and what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven.”

“Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

12th May 2004, 09:14
A jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre; I always end up getting my head kicked in".
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you".
Jelly Baby thinks about for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, hitting him with little sugar chairs and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me".
"I was", says Smartie..........................."but those Lockets are f***king menthol!” :E

12th May 2004, 09:40

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly
man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil’ lower down on your leg.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.
“Sure will,” said the old timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. “That’s terrific!” said the cowboy. ”got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where
the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man.
”You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew
his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
“Wow!” said the cowboy. “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any
more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
“See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. “No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin’
that piano, he’s going to shove that gun up your a$$ and it won’t hurt as much.”

12th May 2004, 14:52
A guy walks into a pub with his dog. The dog is wearing earphones and has a radio taped to it's back.
The barman says, "Whats with the earphones oan the dug?"
The punter replies "I usually take him to the Celtic game on a Saturday, but I couldnae get tickets this week so he's listening to the game on the radio".
"Aye right" said the barman.

10 minutes later the dog starts doing backflips.
"What's he up to?" says the barman.
"Larsson's just scored" replies the man.
"Aye right" says the barman again.
"Switch teletext on and see" says the punter. Right enough the score comes up Celtic 1 Rangers 0 (Larsson)

2 minutes later the dog starts chasing it's tail.
"What's he up to now?" asks the barman.
"Thats what he does when Sutton scores. It must be 2-0.
"Pxss off" says the barman.
"Check the telly" says the punter. Sure enough the score comes up Celtic 2 Rangers 0 (Sutton)

"That's amazing" says the barman. "What does he do when Rangers score?" "Dunno" says the punter "I've only had him a year".

14th May 2004, 08:16
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
£3.99 a minute.

What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

14th May 2004, 09:46
Some years ago, a sultan who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get anything for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Newcastle United.......

(OR insert club of choice... ;) )

Jordan D
14th May 2004, 12:56
I don't know how many people here row (or enjoy rowing), but for all of those who do, this site possibly makes all those pre-6am training calls that much better ...



14th May 2004, 13:06
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.". So they go back to her place and have great sex . Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks abit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex .

Then Sean says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."


14th May 2004, 13:31
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a man?
Because a man who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

19th May 2004, 01:01
A 747 was cruising 1/4 the way between Auckland and Hawaii one night when the Captain came over the PA and announced he had to shut down one of the engines as a precautionary measure and that this would delay their arrival by about 25 minutes.

At about the half way point, the Captain came across on the PA and announced he had to shut down another engine due to precautionary measures but that the safety of the flight was not in jepody and would increase the total delay at arrival to 45 minutes.

About 3/4 the way there, Once again, the Captain came across on the PA and announced they are shutting down a third engine for precautionary reasons and that the flight would be delayed an additional 35 minutes.

Passenger 1 turns to Passenger 2 and says "Hope they dont shut down the fourth engine, we'll be up here all night!"