View Full Version : Ladies, these are our rules!

15th Apr 2004, 14:13
From an email doing the rounds.

How true are these??????

We always hear ďthe rulesĒ from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered ď1Ē ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. Youíre a big girl. If itís up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You donít hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. If you wonít dress like Bond girls, donít expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. Donít cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always
cut their hair, and by then youíre stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. No, we donít know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
1. Peeing standing up is more difficult. Weíre bound to miss sometimes.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think weíd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Lesbianism is fine. It is entirely different to male homosexuality.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. If the dip-stick doesnít register anything, that does not mean you need a new one because this oneís too short.
1. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
1. No, it doesnít matter which quiz.
1. Weekends = sports. Itís like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thatís what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think youíre fat, you probably are. Donít ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Let us ogle. Weíre going to look anyway; itís genetic.
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ďnothing,Ē we will act like nothingís wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you donít want an answer to, expect an answer you donít want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. On our birthdays, there are only three types of present to consider Power Tools, Cordless Power Tools and Dangerous Power Tools. We will never construct anything with them but that is not the point.
1. Sometimes, weíre not thinking about you. Live with it. Donít ask us what weíre thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, sporting tactics, beer or cars.
1. What the f*** is a doily?

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really donít mind that, itís like camping.

M7 :ok:

15th Apr 2004, 14:21
Yeah, yeah , heard these before.


15th Apr 2004, 14:53
Ouch; gatfield seems a little testy tonight. :ooh:

I think I posted these last year some time, but hey, nothing is original on the net. They're still funny. (well, to about half of us anyway....)

15th Apr 2004, 15:16
(This is an exact excerpt from a 1950's Home Economics Textbook)

The Good Wives Guide

Have dinner ready.
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself.
Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc. and then run a dust cloth over the table. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift as well. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Prepare the children.
Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimise all noise.
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity on your desire to please him.

Listen to him.
You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first Ė remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his.
Never complain if he comes late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to feel at home and to relax.

Your goal.
Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warn drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes, Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

15th Apr 2004, 15:25
HugMonster THANKS! :ok:

I had a photocopy of that very article for a while.
It had a picture of a very smiley wifey welcoming hubby in raincoat, trilby + briefcsae home .
Mrs DM didn't half laugh!

I think it might have been her wot helped me lose it though! :uhoh:

Oh well, I now have the text forever! Yipee.....the article was always good for a wind up at dinner parties!

15th Apr 2004, 17:02
We had it right in the good old days !!

15th Apr 2004, 17:48
HugMonster, the '50s sound heavenly. It wasn't just TV which was black & white! :p

15th Apr 2004, 18:02
Ya bunch of Misogynists........!

We have the power!

'Sorry Darling, no sex for 3 weeks!'

Heehee :cool:

15th Apr 2004, 19:28
Only 3 weeks - whoopee Xmas is coming early:D

15th Apr 2004, 19:42
Yup, all sounds very reasonable. Trouble is, you seem to be ignoring basic modus ponendo ponens - i.e. it's all the other issues that actually cause issue no. 19. Like it or lump it, MC7 !

15th Apr 2004, 22:41
TAKE ME HOME, COUNTRY ROADS (revised version)
John Denver
by Bill Danoff, Taffy Nivert and John Denver (and airship)

Almost heaven, West Virginia,
Blue Ridge Mountains
Shenandoah River.
Life is old there,
Older than the trees,
Younger than the mountains
Growin' like a breeze.

Country roads, take me home
To the place where I belong
The 1950s, modern momma
Take me home, country roads


takenthe5th, these days there are also gadgets - the Japanese are quite innovative, also hugely unfair laws concerning ex. wives and so on (at least in France)... :sad:

16th Apr 2004, 07:09
I once had a girlfriend, a doctoral student in her spare time, actually, who had a bug the size of a VW beetle up her *rse about male chauvinism, and all that sort of thing. Associating with me wasn't exactly balm to her irritated sensibilities.

I was then a motor mechanic, part-time student of flying, amateur motorcycle racer and all-around male chauvinist *rsehole, while she had once studied 'Car Repair for Women' herself. It was a course taught by a prominent local lesbian in how to do things such as overhaul an engine. I asked her if, perhaps, she had learned how to change a flat tire, when she thought I was taking the mickey yet again.

Anyone of average social intelligence could have seen trouble coming from all of this, but not me.

She had bought an Audi 100LS when the nice salesman told her it was a much better car than a BMW 2002, so that along with trying to keep this relationship going I was also faced with trying to keep this early, misbegotten Volkswagen attempt at going upmarket on the road. Among its other problems it used to love to foul its spark plugs.

One day, as a token of my undying love, I presented her with a set of spark plugs. I told her to just bung them into the glove box against necessity. (The last time I had been doing unscheduled roadside maintenance, scraping ash off the fouled plugs with my Swiss Army knife with rain dripping down the back of my neck was in the front of my mind, there.)

She got that vaguely troubled look on her lovely face, the one that portended yet another discussion. I asked her, 'Is there anything wrong?'

'Well, doesn't it get hot inside the glove box when the car is parked with the windows rolled up?'

'Sure. It can reach 140į F in there. Why?'

'Well, what about the spark plugs then?'

'What the hell, woman! Spark plugs are made of ceramic and steel, for use in the combustion chamber, where temperatures can reach insane values. You think they might melt like a chocolate bar in the glove box?'

'There's no need to talk to me like that!'

Not long afterwards she traded me in on a newer model that made a lot less noise, and fair enough that was, too.

16th Apr 2004, 08:26
One of the ladies in our office has a keyring with the comment

"Behind every succsessfull woman ther is a pile of washing and ironing

16th Apr 2004, 10:43
I used to work with a female police officer (not in Britain) who had on her key fob the legend "I have PMS and a gun - what was your question?"

19th Apr 2004, 16:58
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay.
What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten To cook him a nice meal.

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