View Full Version : Smoking.

Tricky Woo
28th Nov 2001, 20:53
Er, I've stopped again; nearly two weeks so far. No great mood swings either.


Looking for a new hobby now. Any ideas? I was thinking of choosing crack-cocaine as a life-style choice.


29th Nov 2001, 00:38
Go for heroine. Make sure it's pure though.

Apart from constipation & possibly some nausea initially hardly any side effects. As long as you get your fix, of course.


Tip for the day: Avoid the stuff cut with talcum powder. It's a bastard to get down the barrel of the needle.

29th Nov 2001, 00:42
'Scuse the typo. Read 'Heroin' for 'Heroine' :o

Where's the 'Edit' button gone? :confused:

tony draper
29th Nov 2001, 01:04
You could do what a lot of reformed smokers do TW, develop a deep pathological hatred, for those who still smoke .
Purchase a good scope sighted rifle, the Weatherby .232 magnun would fit the bill, lurk on the top of high office buildings, and scan the streets below for those filthy animals that smoke in public,then do the biz. ;)
Draper reaches for his pack of Malbourgh and flips the lid of his zippo.ahhhhhhh :cool:

29th Nov 2001, 02:14

He could go for a heroine, but it depends upon their looks :D

How about just writing a book? Sure to be a best seller ....

[ 28 November 2001: Message edited by: RW-1 ]

DX Wombat
29th Nov 2001, 12:04
Join Mirkin's troops fighting the penguin invasion/takeover. With the added agression from the reduced nicotine levels in your blood you should manage to put paid to quite a few of the little dears and feel better for doing so. Even better - it won't cost you a penny or should that be pfennig? Good luck, the end result is worth it. :D :D :D

Tricky Woo
29th Nov 2001, 15:03
Hi All,

Hmm... I'd rather avoid heroin as I'm told that it's become rather passé in the more fashionable circles. I believe that even supermodels are avoiding it; although where they're now getting their nutrition from is a mystery to me. Oxygen?

What else?

Cannabis is rather uncool, methinks: lot's of grubby people in baggy jumpers rolling crap, crinkly joints with bits of tobacco hanging out of the end. One good toke and the cardboard thingy drops out, and the end goes all soggy. Yuk. It should remain illegal, IMHO, simply to keep all those unsightly people out of the pubs.

I'm a bit too old for ecstasy; does anyone have the faintest idea what 'a rave' is?

Having further discussed my interest with crack-cocaine with my banking colleagues, I've come to the conclusion that the various accutrements that are necessary could be difficult to cart around with me. Christ, I'd need spoons, needles, a little burner and all sorts of fancy gadgets. Makes me wonder how the addicts can afford all this stuff.

That leaves only good old fashioned cocaine. I hear reports from my New York-based colleagues that the price of coke has sunk through the floor, due to people avoiding it like the plague. Seems that an urban myth-type rumour went round that some naughty chap had shoved anthrax into a batch of it. Cheap as, er, baking powder at the mo', they tell me. Can't see the price being so depressed for much longer. How on earth are all those NY stockbrokers going to get through their working days? They must be sleeping at their desks, poor lambs.

I'm thinking of buying a few cocaine 'Call Options' on the Columbian Commodity Futures & Options Market (CCFOM). I'll make a sodding fortune. Anyone else interested in this money-making venture?

By the way, I notice Fidel Castro is still looking fit and healthy. He was on CNN just the other day. I wish he'd hurry up and snuff it, so I can claim my country. We country-less dictators can get a bit impatient about these things.


29th Nov 2001, 16:13
What the f#@k is a Weatherby .232 Magnum?????!!!!!

I'll settle for the Winchester 300 Magnum any day...reach out and touch someone - at a kilometre! (checks ammo box for handloads...)

29th Nov 2001, 16:22
tricky dear
why don't you just work on a plan to snuff castro yourself? :confused:

tony draper
29th Nov 2001, 16:27
Hell ! Draper wouldn't bother with a long gun for just a kilometer,get that sucker with his belly gun. ;)

[ 29 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

I Am Ugly
29th Nov 2001, 16:38
Well now that you are a "healthy" non smoker, you might want to make your way to a gym. And as some sort of drug usage seems to be essential, you could try steroids. If all that pick-up-something-heavy-and-put-it-back-down lark is not of interest you could try good old socialy acceptable (and legal) alcohol. ;)

Tricky Woo
29th Nov 2001, 17:11
Hmm, we Kung Fu warriors would never stoop so low as to snipe smokers, and other social deviants, with a rifle. Those of us who are trained to kill with our bare hands (and feet, so watch it) prefer to pay others to do our dirty work.

I've just thought: Fidel Castro is a smoker. The filthy bastard must die.

Maybe Ding Ducky has a point: maybe I should arrange for Fidel to be assassinated. Culd be a tough target, though. It seems that Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon all ordered the CIA to have a pop at him. Unfortunately, the CIA only seem to be competent at killing US nationals, (especially presidents, one hears), so Castro easily managed to survive around ten separate attacks over a twelve year period.

That nice bloke JFK must be somewhat p1ssed off at the thought that his nemesis has so far managed to survive him by nearly forty years. Funny that.

Forget the CIA, then: I need experts. There's a bloke down a pub in Salford who would probably to it for a couple of grand. The chance for him to get a nice suntan might be an added sweetener. Could even get a discount, who knows.

Incidentally, what is it with recent US presidents and their comedy middle names?

Here's the list since 1961:

1961-1963 John (Jack) Fitzgerald Kennedy
1963-1969 Lyndon Baines Johnson
1969-1974 Richard Milhous Nixon
1974-1977 Gerald Rudolph Ford
1977-1981 James (Jimmy) Earl Carter
1981-1989 Ronald Wilson Reagan
1989-1993 George Herbert Walker Bush
1993-2001 William (Bill) Jefferson Clinton
2001- George Walker Bush

Of course George Herbert Walker Bush gets a special award for having two ridiculous middle names. However, my heart goes out to Lyndon Baines Johnson: a name like that would not have gone down well in a comprehensive school in south Manchester, let me tell you.

Maybe these people develop such a huge chip on their shoulders, from having the sh!t kicked out of 'em at school, that only the presidency of the largest banana republic in the world will assauge their hunger for social acceptance.

Sad really.

TW (ex-smoker)

29th Nov 2001, 18:44
Good to hear you've quit again, Tricky, mate!!!!! :cool:

In order to stay off the weed, why not try asthma...... :eek:

Maybe the Blackmailing scouser can put up the payments, so you cant affoard it...?? :D

Anyway, my poisin (as you know) is the wonderful, pukka, marvellous, simply fab Schnieder Wiesse!!!.... :cool:

When's the next Zuri bash....??? :D :D :D :D

Tricky Woo
29th Nov 2001, 19:05
Mr Ugly,

I have recently been attending a Swiss fitness establishment for the terminally masochistic and insane. Seeing as Mondays are irredeemably horrid, I've given up trying to improve them, and added a further dose of abject misery instead.

A background: there is a recent invention known to the cogniscenti as 'spinning' which is quite a hit here in sunny Zürich. One sits upon the seat of an exercise penny-farthing, surrounded by be-bicycled peers and strangers alike. After a pause for breath, the conductor enters the hushed room, and thence places herself upon a differently coloured exercise contraption placed at the front of the throng.

Said instructress then commences to pedal like f**k, in dubious time to music, accompanied by the breathless multitudes. This joyous experience lasts for just over one hour. In order to avoid any risk of tediousness, the conductress occasionally bids the assembly to stand up whilst pedalling: How we all laugh with joy when that happens. Oh yes. Sometimes we have to stand up for fifteen minutes at a time. Bitch.

Your faithful correspondent has learned to choose an exercise bicycle facing the partition window, from whence a fine view of Swiss totty may be espied in a variety of exercise attire, and indeed exercise positions. Said totty is oft tall, blonde, white-toothed and perfectly proportioned, as one would expect of the nation that brought you... er... Einstein and Toblerone.

Anyway, it talks my mind off the pain.

Incidentally, I must be improving, as I'm rarely coughing up blood now.



tony draper
29th Nov 2001, 19:33
Did you know Mr TW, that Gerald Ford's name was a stage name, it wasn't this real name,
Draper doesn't know what his real name was, but one could win a few bob with that little snippet.
Any colonials here know what Mr Fords real name was.?? hmmm. ;)

Tricky Woo
29th Nov 2001, 19:39
Herr Draper,

Wasn't Gerald Ford originally baptised as Vauxhall Astramax?

I bet that Ronald Reagan also had a made up stage name. A clever ploy used by many an US President, methinks, to avoid determined creditors, pregnant ex-girlfriends and blackmailing rent-boys.


I Am Ugly
29th Nov 2001, 20:26
Fine places gyms.

The only reason I went there in the first place was to stare at lycra clad behinds as their owners gyrated on the step machine. My motto being: No pain...no pain.

However vanity soon took over and I found myself discussing such things as one rep maximums, intramuscualar nitrogen balance and commenting when a fellow gym rat achived good separation between his triceps and deltoids...

After 2 years of obssesive 4-5 times a week training, I had managed to build a body that would make a cK underwear model jelous. So armed with a chest that nearly needed a bra, wash board abs and arms like tree trunks I went for a two week holiday to chase the girlys. The problem was that I went with some old rugby friends, and I am totally confident that at no point during those two weeks whould I have ever been less than 3 times over the drink drive limit. The problem was 12 or so days of no stop drinking begins to take its toll on the old system, as I discovered after taking a girl back one night. How should I say this... The mind was willing but the flesh was weak. :o

This holiday was in July and I have been pretty much blind drunk ever since.

So my advice is take up smoking, because the gym leads to vanity, vanity leads to posing, posing is hanging our in "trendy" bars in a tight top, if your in a bar you may aswell have a drink, if you spend a lot of time in bars you are going to have a lot of drinks, and if you do that sooner or later your not going to be able to get it up.

Therefore: The gym = impotence.

Hows that for logic. :D

Mac the Knife
30th Nov 2001, 01:17
Gerald R. Ford, US President, Leslie Lynch KIng, Jr.(Nebraska, USA 1913). Renamed Gerald Rudolph Ford at age 2, after his mother divorced and remarried.

tony draper
30th Nov 2001, 01:40
Age two?, ah well we'll let him off with that then,never thought of Ronnie Regan, wonder what his real name was. ;)

Tricky Woo
30th Nov 2001, 16:01
Did extremely well last night: in spite of getting plastered with an 'almost' ex-smoker mate of mine.

After a few beers, he relapsed slightly to the tune of about thirty cigarettes. Your faultless Tricky Woo managed to deter the evil, seductive call of the weed. Not even a wee blast, which ain't bad considering we went on drinking heavily until 4:00am in the morning.

Gosh, I feel virtuous.

Gosh, I feel hung over.

Gosh, I'm supposed to go skiing in Zermatt this weekend.

Gosh, my train leaves in three hours.

Gosh, I'd better stop f**king about on Jet Blast and get some work done.

Where was I?


30th Nov 2001, 19:01
4am in the morning? Were you carried away by a Moonlight Shadow or did you keep drinking till 4am in the afternoon?

tony draper
30th Nov 2001, 19:20
Has one concidered taking up the pipe Mr Woo.
For a while Draper worked with a pipe smoking chap, and it struck him that such people had a supranatural calmness about them, they seldom seem to lose their rag and fling recalcitrant circuit boards against walls or jump up and down on dead amps and such.
Draper put this down to the almost zen like rituals associated with the smoking of a pipe.
The dismantaling, the cleaning, the loading, the tamping down and finaly the ignition sequence, always seemed to have something of the Japanese tea ceremony about it.
Anyway Draper purchases a suitable pipe, not to ostentasious, one suited to Drapers personality.
Now Draper loves the smell of a pipe,loves thrusting his nose into a pouch of shag,the smell is divine, but a warning here ,the taste of a pipe in no way resembles the smell of pipe smoke obtained second hand as it were, its bloody foul.
Another thing,no one informed Draper that one is not supposed to inhale said smoke, one is supposed to draw in said smoke, sort of swill it around ones mouth and blow it out again.
Inhaling pipe tobacco smoke will remove the top of the skull of even hardened Capstan full strength smoker.
Then, there is the keeping alight the cursed instrument, the afore mentioned pipe smoking mate, could light his pipe as we left Peterbourgh, and he would still be chuffing away happily when we pulled into Newcastle,Draper on the other hand would have went through 15 boxes of matches,would have emptied a gallon of body fluids out of the pipes plumbing ,and could not keep the fire going for more than a few hundred yards.
Draper eventually arrived at a compromise, one would purchase a pouch of shag,open it up take a few deep sniffs, and then light a ciggy .
Draper recomends that you try a pipe Mr Woo. ;)

PS , Draper is given to understand that the Mereshauumn is de-rigueur in your bailywick , along with leather kecks and yodelling.

[ 30 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

1st Dec 2001, 12:30
Tricky you can combine the need for drugs AND kick the cigs.

Try Mr. Glaxo of Wellcome fame's little concoction called Zyban.

It produces a feeling not dissimilar to a snoot full of Columbian marching powder whilst eroding the desire of nicotine in the pathways of your brain. That's what it does to me anyway. :D Some people get depressed. :(

There are 2 minor drawbacks:

1. Unsurprisingly every aviation authority in the world will smack you hard if you take it and fly.

2. If you take anti-malarial tablets with Zyban it will kill you. :eek:

Charlie Foxtrot India
2nd Dec 2001, 05:27
My sad hobby since cutting down the smokes to ALMOST nothing, is getting on the scales and screaming at the amount of weight that has stacked on. :( :( :(
I don't recommend this to anyone, it's very depressing. :( :( :(
Time for a new hobby like bulimia perhaps.

tony draper
2nd Dec 2001, 05:40
Ever thought that it is some kind of vast cosmic joke that every thing that brings pleasure to us poor humans is,if not downright dangerous very bad for ones health. :(

2nd Dec 2001, 06:50
You know how you stop ya girlfriend from smoking?...................Slow down and use some lubrication. :D :D

429 CJ
2nd Dec 2001, 07:06
What time is it? Ah, that's OK, I'm still smoking. Tried giving it up about 6yrs ago, did OK for around 4 years, but for the first 5-6 months I felt the need to occaisionally bite back when the mood swung a bit, but that passes over time (I was smoking about a pack and a half of Winnie reds a day beforehand though).

Relax, the desire to maim cats and the need to rip the head off small furry creatures does pass over time. Now I have to do it all again this New Years Day. Hold the phone. ;)

Tricky Woo
3rd Dec 2001, 13:39
Hi All,

Today is my two week anniversary.

Still not decided on my new bad habit. One decision I have made is to give furtling, feltching, and anything else that sounds remotely similar, a wide berth. I prefer my sex to be filthy in the more traditional manner.

Herr Draper has a point about Swiss blokes wearing lederhosen, yodelling and puffing on twisty pipes. They're all like that. Makes the morning commute on the number eight tram a bit of fraught experience, let me tell you.


tony draper
3rd Dec 2001, 16:32
In Drapers town there exists a place called the Gadget shop, this emporium sells all manner of wonderful gadgets and gizzmo's, they stock a item called Worry Balls, these are large heavy steel ball bearings,the recomended technique is to hold them in one hand and scrabble them about in the manner of Captain Queeg in Mutiny on the Bounty.
Very restful and comforting to those who have recently withdrawn from the weed.
Better than all this eastern mystic yoga relaxation nonesence, and has the merit of being devised in the West for people who sit on chairs and eat with knives and forks. ;)

gravity victim
3rd Dec 2001, 17:53
Any ladies out there trying to give up, don't go to the expense of buying these balls, if you promise not to be rough I'll lend you mine FOC. :D

(edited for poor spelling, if not taste..)

[ 03 December 2001: Message edited by: gravity victim ]

Tricky Woo
3rd Dec 2001, 19:52
Strange, I saw something similar in China: two lacquered balls with a rattling weight inside. Very pretty they look, too. They make inexpensive gifts absolutely guaranteed to baffle even the most worldly of relatives.

No bleedin' use, really.

Where were we?


3rd Dec 2001, 22:57
Captain Queeg in Mutiny on the Bounty

Deduct 20 points Mr. D., that was the Caine Mutiny. Now then, who's been eating my strawberries ?

tony draper
3rd Dec 2001, 22:59
Heh heh, thought Draper would catch somebody with that. ;)

Tricky Woo
4th Dec 2001, 13:17
I once heard the blue-eyed residents of the Pitcairn Islands are direct descendants of those naughty Bounty mutineers.

Not sure if this is true.

I'll bet yer that Herr Draper will know. Mine of information, that bloke.

I have to say, I rather felt sorry for Captain Trevor Howard when that nasty Marlon Brando shoves him and his more loyal crew into that diddy little boat. Mind you, what do you expect when you go and pick an American ham actor as first officer? Treacherous, the lot of 'em.

Strange that, as I didn't feel sorry for Captain Charles Laughton at all, when Clark Gable did the same to him.


tony draper
4th Dec 2001, 13:45
Not only that but the Admiralty made him Govenor of Oarstralia as punishment for losing his ship, he had another mutiny there.
We had a television cook?here, I think he was a cook, that was a direct decendant of Mr Christian, and yes those mutineer's seem to have sown a lot of wild oats on Pitcairn.
Not a lot else to do I suppose, one is just relieved they had ladies with them, or us sailors would probably have a even worse name. ;)
PS, a few of the mutineers were captured and brought back to blighty,and made to dance the hemp horn pipe at execution dock.

[ 04 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

4th Dec 2001, 15:40
tricky dear
i think that you should spend your time posting here :)
and if you also want to spend some time sending me cash i have no objections :D