View Full Version : 46 things women cannot do...

14th Apr 2004, 16:20
1/ Know anything about a car except its colour

2/ Understand a film plot

3/ Go 24 hours without sending a text message

4/ Lift

5/ Throw

6/ Run

7/ Park

8/ Read a map

9/ Rob a bank

10/ Sit still

11/ Tell a joke

12/ Play pool

13/ Pay for dinner

14/ Eat a kebab while walking

15/ Argue without shouting

16/ Get told off without crying

17/ Understand fruit machines

18/ Walk past a shoe shop

19/ Make a decent bacon sandwich

20/ Not comment on strangers clothes

21/ Use small amounts of toilet paper

22/ Let you sleep with a hang over

23/ Drink a pint gracefully

24/ Get a round in

25/ Throw a punch

26/ Do magic

27/ Like your friends

28/ Eat a real hot curry

29/ Get to the point

30/ Buy plain envelopes

31/ Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

32/ Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold "

33/ Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends

34/ Avoid credit card debt

35/ Dive into a pool

36/ Assemble furniture

37/ Set a video recorder

38/ Not try change you

39/ Watch a war film

40/ Understand why flirting results in violence

41/ Spend a day by themselves

42/ Go to the toilet by themselves

43/ Buy a purse that fits in your pocket

44/ Choose a video quickly

45/ Fart

46/ Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

14th Apr 2004, 17:14
Yes, you're absolutely correct on every single one of those except the last one !;)



14th Apr 2004, 17:25
47/ Wear the same dress twice

48/ Have a telephone conversation under 30 minutes

49/ Have a [email protected]


14th Apr 2004, 17:32
I KNOW my car has 4 wheels.

Worr else does a girl NEED to know? :confused:

If we knew more we may make you feel even more inadequate!:D

Boss Raptor
14th Apr 2004, 18:32
They dont know...and or do...

Watch films with gruesome but realistic body/injury scenes or documentaries on operations without making stupid 'ooo' noises...

Repeating what you say to them when they are tipsy after a few glasses of wine...you say 'nice arse'...and they repeat 'nice arse yes' (at least Miss Espain does)

Smoking in secret and then trying to pretend they dont (with nose like Chiity Chitty Bang Bang's Childcatcher I can smell fags at 5 days and 50 metres and I smell fear when person is lying...)

Not understanding science of making curry...throwing stuff in when i am not looking because 'they think it will be alright'

Ditto not understanding proper catering knives are not to be used for incorrect purposes and aforesaid inappropriate use is tantamount to a personal insult

Changing the specific order (which makes perfect sense to me and that is what matters) yr DVD's and CD's are kept in and not getting why you get annoyed

Damaging the spines of your books and/or getting dirty fingerprints on them...

Objecting to my way of life and/or my house...termination notice will follow shortly

Not understanding Ia m quite content/happy to live without them/you...and will be ruthless and cold in above said termination

Not understanding that if I choose to leave stains on my coffee mug, my kitchen/bedroom/bathroom untidy that means do not interfere with...

Not realising that I will notice them 'nesting' in my house inc. shoes and clothes left in my cupboard and girly junk in my bathroom

...and understand that sometimes 'silence' is required...

I leave u/them with those thoughts :E

PS G-ALAN No. 49 they do if you tell them to and they want u to watch ;)

14th Apr 2004, 19:08
50/ Write their name in the snow

(Well, they could try but they would look really silly funning about looking like a crab)

14th Apr 2004, 19:58
I can write my name in the snow anytime - what implement were you suggesting ? I would normally use a stick !



14th Apr 2004, 20:11
O K, Jerricho, over to you.

14th Apr 2004, 20:25

I have to disagree with no. 45. Mrs. S is on "one of those diets" again and is trying to eat more fruit and veg....

Duvet's like a bloody hot air balloon.

During the day she tries to hide the "number 45s" by coughing. A very dangerous thing to try, IMHO. :uhoh:

Then she complains bitterly about the cold if I open a window in order to breathe?

Talking of floating duvets, why do women NEVER think to at least make an effort to flip the duvet back over the poor chap trying to sleep on the other half of the mattress (after they suddenly leap out of bed in the night to powder their nose, pluck a few eyebrows, check their nails don't need trimming or check the iron's switched off or where their purse is)?

Even worse, why do they come back half an hour later, stick their freezing cold feet right up the back of your legs and complain the bed's cold?

Oh yes, one more. Why do women insist on talking loudly about nothing in particular all the way through the evening news so you can't hear it and then expect you to recite every detail back to her as soon as it's finished "because she missed that"? :confused:

But if you DARE speak one word during "Corrers".... or fail to turn down your tranny radio so you can't hear it....woe is you.

Funny thread, I sincerely hope the ladies will do one about us to get their own back! :ok:

14th Apr 2004, 20:33
If we men scratch our balls or arse, what do women scratch???

14th Apr 2004, 21:10
Ans: Your back!

14th Apr 2004, 21:24
Last time I asked I recieved a swift slap and was branded a pervert :ouch:

If we men scratch our balls or arse, what do women scratch I remember my high school Chemistry teacher used to scratch herself in a certain place. The only reason I passed chemistry was because it was so repulsive I would stick my head in the textbook and read until I had forgotten about it!!:yuk:

15th Apr 2004, 06:01
Isn't that why women brush their hair while waiting for traffic lights?

And Whirly.............Implement. Good choice of words!:E I am suddenly thinking of a certain scene from Austin Powers

"What is it Sir? It looks like a giant............"

15th Apr 2004, 06:47
1/ Know anything about a car except its colour

I know there are set of keyes and the big one goes to where it says "ignition".
I know where it says "ashtray" is actually a piggy bank.
I know every car comes with a 800 number and few numbers and husband says to call them first but never took the time to show me how to dial. :{

8/ Read a map

We are born with GPS when it comes to shoes,why read maps? ;)

42/ Go to the toilet by themselves

That's because we can't read maps. :D

15th Apr 2004, 10:48
slightly offended..................... nah - ok no im not!!!!!!!!!

;) :p ;)


(was going to rise to the challenge of things blokes dont do - but sadly so many things - too little time!!!!
and frankly wheres the fun of you being told where you going wrong??!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tee hee!)

15th Apr 2004, 10:54
The really aren't very funny.. how many women comediens do you think are funny? How many male comedians do you think are funny?
THe only female on i can think of is Jo Brand, who shouts 'Period!' and then the joke is over.. women aren't very funny.
But they do look very pretty in skirts *awaits virtual slap*

surely not
15th Apr 2004, 11:11
ssultana, you couldn't be more wrong about Jo Brand. Went with Mrs SN to watch Jo Brand at the Brighton Festival some years back an she was very, very funny. The only time Periods came up was when 3/4 of the way through her act she said something like:

'look at all the men in the audience, they're still scared I'm going to start talking about periods. Don't worry I've other stuff to cover now'

She was funny from start to finish.

Other female comedians:-

Victoria Wood, Dawn French, both these ladies can do stand up well.
Jenny Eclair is another who has a good reputation.

So there are some good ones around

15th Apr 2004, 13:10
Surely not,

I'd have to agree with ssultana on this one - all the chicks you mention are shite comedians when compared to the guys...

Bill Hicks
Andy Kaufman
Tommy Cooper
John Cleese
Michael Palin
Eric Idle etc
Bob Hope
Marx bros
Billy Connolly
Dennis Leary
Tommy Tiernan
Eddie Izzard (close one...)
Dylan Moran

Etc etc etc.............

There are loads more - but I can't think of one comedienne that has made me laugh out loud (maybe Jennifer Saunders - once, & I might have been high at the time :E) - All Jo Brand ever goes on about is how fat & ugly she is - crap observational comedy in it's basest form IMHO!

I do, however, stand to be corrected.


15th Apr 2004, 13:28
Funny female comics, hmmmm, that's a tough one.

One person who is about a funny as a kick in the nuts is Ellen Degeneres. She has two expressions.......one of mock surprise at a situation..............and mock surprise at a situation.

I guess the only really funny lady I can think of is Pamela Stevenson (Billy Connelly's missus), and she's more zany and out-there and p*ss yourself laughing funny.

15th Apr 2004, 13:29
This is wikipaedias list of comedy 'persons' - and i think that putting ellen degeneres and roseanne barr on the list is debatable. But then the list doesn't include angus deaton or ian hislop either.. Don't get me wrong i love women, i just think they need work on their jokes.

Roger Abbott
Russ Abbott
Dan Aykroyd
Jason Alexander
Dave Allen
Brian Appleton as Jilted John and John Shuttleworth
Tom Arnold
Arthur Askey
Rowan Atkinson "Mr.Bean"
Dave Attell
Hank Azaria

David Baddiel
Bill Bailey
Arj Barker
Ronnie Barker
Roseanne Barr
Chris Barrie
Dave Barry
Alfie Bass
Norman Beaton
John Belushi
Jack Benny
Milton Berle
Bernie Mac
Victor Borge
Louis Black
Rory Bremner
David Brenner
Lenny Bruce
Sacha Baron Cohen as Ali-G
John Belushi
Michael Bentine
Jo Brand
Bernard Bresslaw
Jim Breuer
Franny Brice
A. Whitney Brown
Arnold Brown
Joe E. Brown
Julie Brown
Lenny Bruce
Billy Bush

Eddie Cantor
George Carlin
Jim Carrey
Carrot Top
Frank Carson
Johnny Carson
Dana Carvey
Cedric the Entertainer
Charlie Chaplin
Graham Chapman
Craig Charles
Dave Chappelle
Chevy Chase
Margaret Cho
John Cleese "Monty Python"
Sacha Baron Cohen aka "Ali G"
Billy Connolly
Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge and Paul Calf
Peter Cook
Tommy Cooper
Ronnie Corbett
Adam Corrolla
Bill Cosby
Mark Critch
Billy Crystal
Jane Curtin

Larry David
Alan Davies
Ted Danson
Danny De Vito
Jack Dee
Ellen DeGeneres
Lea DeLaria
Steve Dennis
Ken Dodd
Charlie Drake

Adrian Edmonson
Jimmy Edwards
Ben Elton
Harry Enfield
Kenny Everett

Jimmy Fallon
Chris Farley
Marty Feldman
Will Ferrell
Tina Fey
W.C. Fields
Dave Foley
Jeff Foxworthy
Al Franken
Stan Freberg
Stephen Fry
Don Ferguson

Graeme Garden
Janeane Garofalo
Ana Gasteyer
Ricky Gervais
Gilbert Gottfried
Whoopi Goldberg
John Goodman
Luba Goy
Kelsey Grammer
Kathy Griffin
Matt Groening
Christopher Guest
Derek Guyler

Neil Hamburger
Tony Hancock
Jack Handy
Jeremy Hardy
Phil Hartman
Steve Harvey
Goldie Hawn
Charles Hawtry
Richard Hearn
Mitch Hedberg
John Hegley
Lenny Henry
Bill Hicks
Benny Hill
Harry Hill
Jessica Holmes
Bob Hope
Kenneth Horne
Roy Hudd
D.L. Hughley
Barry Humphries

Armando Iannucci
Eric Idle
Neil Innes
Eddie Izzard

Hattie Jacques
Sidney James
Cathy Jones
Spike Jones
Terry Jones
John Junkin

Andy Kaufman
Peter Kay
Buster Keaton
Jamie Kennedy
Craig Kilborn
Jimmy Kimmel
Sam Kinnison
Sid Kipper
Steven Kolbert
Ernie Kovacs

Nathan Lane
Hugh Laurie
Martin Lawrence
Dennis Leary
John Leguizamo
Tom Lehrer
Jay Leno
David Letterman
Jerry Lewis
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
The Great LukeSki

Kevin MacDonald
Norm MacDonald
Shaun Majumder
Ralphie May
Rik Mayall
Pigmeat Markham
Betty Marsden
Steve Martin
Groucho Marx "Marx-Brothers"
Bruce McCulloch
Roger McGough
Mark McKinney
Tim Meadows
Rick Mercer
Paul Merton
Dennis Miller
Max Miller
Spike Milligan
Colin Mochrie
Jay Mohr
Bob Monkhouse
Dudley Moore
Dermot Morgan
John Morgan
Tracy Morgan
Chris Morris
Garrett Morris
Richard Murdoch
Eddie Murphy
Bill Murray
Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon
Bob Newhart
Laraine Newman
Rob Newman
Don Novello

Conan O'Brien
Ardal O'Hanlon
Ed O'Neil
Bill Oddie
Cheri Oteri

Michael Palin
Trey Parker
Joe Pasquale
Emo Philips (often mispelled as Phillips)
Nigel Planer
Hugh Punt
Freddie Prinze
Greg Proops
Richard Pryor

Randy Quaid
Colin Quinn

Gilda Radner
Ted Ray
Al Read
Vic Reeves
Brian Regan
Michael Richards
Tony Robinson as Baldrick
Chris Rock
Henry Rollins
Rita Rudner
William Rushton

Adam Sandler
Martin Sargent
Garry Shandling
Alexei Sayle
Harald Schmidt
Rob Schneider
Harry Secombe
Jerry Seinfeld
Peter Sellers "Pink Panther"
Paul Shaffer
Molly Shannon
Harry Shearer
Martin Short
Rob Smigel
Linda Smith
David Spade
Vivian Stanshall
Mark Steel
Pamela Stephenson
Jon Stewart
Ben Stiller
Matt Stone
Julia Sweeney
Eric Sykes
Wanda Sykes

Mark Thomas
Greg Thomey
Scott Thompson
Sandi Toksvig
Lily Tomlin
Barry Took
Ben Turpin


Tracey Ullman
Stanley Unwin

Johnny Vegas
Colin Van Benga
Thomas Vitale
Don Vitale

Christopher Walken
Max Wall
Mary Walsh
Damon Wayans
Keenan Ivory Wayans
Morgan Webb
Paul Whitehouse
June Whitfield
Bert Williams
Kenneth Williams
Robin Williams
Norman Wisdom
Victoria Wood
Harry Worth
Steven Wright

Weird Al Yankovic
Gina Yashere

Groups of comedians

Abbott and Costello
Beyond the Fringe
Bloodhound Gang
Bob and Ray
The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band
Cheech and Chong
The Comic Strip
The Crazy Gang
The Firesign Theatre
French and Saunders
Gallagher & Shean
The Goons
The Grumbleweeds
Laurel and Hardy
The League of Gentlemen
The Marijuana Logues
The Marx Brothers
Monty Python's Flying Circus
Morecambe and Wise
Pete and Dud
Punt and Dennis
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in
The Royal Canadian Air Farce
The Smothers Brothers
This Hour Has 22 Minutes
Not Ready for Prime-Time Players
The Three Stooges
Reeves and Mortimer
Wayne and Shuster

Comedy writers

Woody Allen
Chesney and Wolfe
Roy Clarke
Clement and La Frenais
David Croft
Harry Driver
Esmonde and Larbey
W.S. Gilbert
Galton and Simpson
Willis Hall
Anthony Jay
Carla Lane
Jeremy Lloyd
David Nobbs
Muir and Norden
Sidney Joseph Perelman
Jimmy Perry
David Renwick
Jack Rosenthal
Johnny Speight
John Sullivan
Peter Tinniswood
Keith Waterhouse

15th Apr 2004, 13:39
Not just popped out of the Christmas cake then, very impressive list that was.

15th Apr 2004, 13:43
Oi, me bloomin thread's been hijacked..:sad:

15th Apr 2004, 15:19
I find these women vs men type things so dull and boring.

Can't we get over this crap already.

We're different ok - get it - get over it - who cares!!!!!!!!!!!!:rolleyes:

yes - time for me to go to bed I think

15th Apr 2004, 15:58
Don't get upset it's only a joke, if women were funny maybe they could come up with a witty reply!

Boss Raptor
15th Apr 2004, 16:09
female world renowned geniuses - Steven Hawking and the like - cant name any at the mo :confused:

15th Apr 2004, 16:15
What about chefs? Forget any who make bland recipes or have books called De***s How to cook. How to cook an egg???? Or how to cook rice???

I prefer Ramsay, Stein and Hom's more adventurous cuisine... :-)

Northern Chique
15th Apr 2004, 16:19
Mmmmm was a certain research scientist who discovered / identified radiation...

Shame she didnt just zap the lot of yers when she found it! :D

Will commend that list though.... thats impressive!

But because Im female and cannot leave well enough alone and number 46 may well be true, but it also applies to the male gender... should see em justify their driving behaviour!

1/ Know anything about a car except its colour

- rebuilt engines gearboxes and fitted electrics, know the front from the back of most cars.... not fond of GMCs...

2/ Understand a film plot

- gawd, for those gals who actually get time to watch a movie, Ive seen guys loose the plot entirely when the Bond gal saunters in from stage left!

3/ Go 24 hours without sending a text message

- hard one, but has been acheived... live in a semi phoneless zone for 12 months

4/ Lift

- gawd you should see some of my patients and the houses / units they live in!

5/ Throw

- doesnt throwing plates and cups count?

6/ Run

- shoulda see me cover a large distance an a very short time space when one nasty patient grabbed the 1/2 full oxygen cylinder and threw it....

7/ Park

- why bother... thats what drive throughs are for!

8/ Read a map

- mmm 7 years outback flying, I think I learned to use a map... more importlantly, I learned how to interpret mud maps

9/ Rob a bank

- errr there are a few chicks about, but they arent generally that stupid!

10/ Sit still

- so much to do!

11/ Tell a joke

- mmm the guys take em as a critisism, or its like asking "do I look fat in this dress".... they are terrified either way, so why bother....

12/ Play pool

- the guys wont play with us... they kept loosing their beer money!

13/ Pay for dinner

- I have footed the dinner bill on a number of occasions ... but Im polite about it, as is my responsibilty if I have organised the night, venue etc.

14/ Eat a kebab while walking

- I eat while driving... otherwise we would starve at work...

15/ Argue without shouting

- folks who know me get edgy when Im ultra quiet... thats when Im mad... I argue the point when Ive gotten my head together and the facts strait. I get yelled at 'cause I excuse myself and walk away...

16/ Get told off without crying

- mmm my favourite saying... revenge is a dessert best had cold... beware the woman who doesnt cry, your in for a nasty surprise.

17/ Understand fruit machines

- now youve got me here... maybe its not an aussie thing...

18/ Walk past a shoe shop

- mm can do that with no hastles... its the motorbike and the Honda Car dealers I have problems with....

19/ Make a decent bacon sandwich

- I like mine crispy, anyone who doesnt, makes their own, Im not your brunch servant!

20/ Not comment on strangers clothes

- sorry, didnt notice what you were wearing....

21/ Use small amounts of toilet paper

- errr I pay for it... I can use as much as I like.... but trip for trip, most of my male flat mates used more than I did!

22/ Let you sleep with a hang over

- getting the folks outta bed with the fire hose and the Inter tipper truck was the bosses idea, not mine! but gees I wish I had thought of it!

23/ Drink a pint gracefully

- hey since when do "guys" and "graceful" come in the same sentence... call most mysoginistic chaps graceful, and they are bound to get all sort of huffy, snorting phases about gays...

24/ Get a round in

- assuming golf.... I dont have enough anger to persue an innocent little white ball, or number thereof about a perfectly nice paddock.

25/ Throw a punch

- let me introduce you to this chick I know..... dropped a guy quick and clean, and went back to her burbon without missing a beat in the conversation.... now thats multi-tasking!

26/ Do magic

- magic is getting gettin home after work, house cleaned, dinner on, kids homeworked, petted, hugged and so on, partner ensconced happily infront of tv (or at worst, keeping a mistress entertained), and organinsed for the following day! now thats magic!

27/ Like your friends

- guys go this funny green colour when a gal says she likes your friends

28/ Eat a real hot curry

- I have respect for my neither regions... but a good chilli just has to be done!

29/ Get to the point

- am getting to it! :))

30/ Buy plain envelopes

- gee, thats the only kind we get up here... or are you refering to the ones with windows :p

31/ Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

- to busy to stay in ther longer than absolutely necessary, and thats a very short time! It usually stinks to high heaven as said male has been sitting reading farting and generally occupying said small place for the last hour....

32/ Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold "

- come to the tropics... you will wish for cold!

33/ Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends

- most of my friends are down south, and oh, I am meeting the others for coffee....

34/ Avoid credit card debt

- if its someone elses card - who cares!!!! :)) but nah... I am on one and it gets paid off every pay

35/ Dive into a pool

- have you ever been strangled by a bikini!

36/ Assemble furniture

- four tables (various), computer cabinate, tv display case with glass doors, hand crafted coffee tables made from scratch... need I go on...

37/ Set a video recorder

- most guys need the kids to do it!

38/ Not try change you

- impossible to change...

39/ Watch a war film

- Im starting to think my genes are inappropriatley programmed... can recall at least a dozen or so I watched by choice

40/ Understand why flirting results in violence

- yeah, I pick up the damaged hot heads all the time, and man, some of the skanks they fight over!!!!!!

41/ Spend a day by themselves

- Ive travelled around Aus in various stages by my lonesome...

42/ Go to the toilet by themselves

- I sure as hell dont want company!

43/ Buy a purse that fits in your pocket

- I tried it... and yup it fits....

44/ Choose a video quickly

- some of our locals smell, alot.... so into the store, pick vid, pay and out. Title and backups usually picked prior to entry....

45/ Fart

- I do... but dont advertise... and away from anyone.

46/ Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

- heheee I love a good debate!!!!!!!!!

15th Apr 2004, 16:41
Reknowned female geniuses? Marie Curie and Simone de Beauvoir to name two off the top of my head. Perhaps the reason why there are fewer female geniuses is the same reason as why there are fewer female serial murderers??

ssultana - you bemoan women not being funny but in your list of comedians you have Christopher Walken?? Is this a different Christopher Walken to russian roulette deer hunting film actor Christopher Walken? If not, then I can understand why you don't think many women are funny ;)

timmcat, sorry to be part of that hi-jack but I have now thought of a few things that men cannot do! I thought the original list was amusing and am not at all offended so, come on guys, relax - especially the blokes amongst you!!!

1. sew on a button
2. put down the loo seat
3. blow their nose without looking in the hanky afterwards
4. take off a sweater without pulling it over the head from the shoulders and hence pulling it out of shape
5. have two conversations at once
6. oh yeh... give birth?



15th Apr 2004, 16:53
there are many things a man can't do...
control our often dirty minds, or our related appendages. we can't control our girlfriends either. but we can have a jolly good laugh about it all and the last two posts are in much better humour.

P.s i'm pleased that you have noticed C Walkens also excellent acting ability, he's also good in True Romance and King of New York!

15th Apr 2004, 17:12
One thing that women can do much better than blokes is shag blokes. I've never been shagged by a bloke yet I still know that this is the absolute truth. :}

Ralph the Bong
15th Apr 2004, 18:09
50. Take constructive critisism. Any attempt to improve a domestic situation generally results in having to appolgise profusely afterward. I cant be bothered, these days. I just tell it how I see it (nicely, with the best of intentions) and if "She"doesn't like it, stiff cheese.


1) Learned to sew buttons in Cub Scouts, at age 9. Also learned to iron shirts at that time and have always ironed my own except when in a hurry and asked as a favour. Also quite adept at ironing stuff for kids and the female in my life, when required.

2)Agreed. Loo seat looks tidier when down. However the lid should be down as well.

3)Men look at their gollies post blow so as to inspect the debris and make sure that you dont have a nose bleed. For the same reason, we also inspect our stool, post dump, but just to ensure that it doesn't contain any little white eggs or wriggly things..

4)Most blokes are not flexible enough to do it any other way. It's rude to make fun of handicapped people.

5)Why would you want to?? Anyway,if we tried, we would probably be accused by some female of not paying complete attention when speaking to her.

6)Got me there. Most blokes would agree that giving birth is a life experience females are welcome to have to themselves. If blokes got pregnant, we would probably take more care when it came to birth control.

Balix, a lot of men in SF and Sydney would disagree. One bi-sexual guy I know old me that men give the best BJs. I'll just take his word for it:yuk:

15th Apr 2004, 19:03
This was written by a chick (presumably) for chicks, but I still can't argue with most of it!!

One for the ladies...

50 Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

This thread has to have some of the longest posts ever!!



15th Apr 2004, 19:09
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Postage stamp on it's way for the list of 'nice' ones. :D

15th Apr 2004, 19:48
I'm a nice one.. nice looking anyway! Fall down on the personality side though... Hence my record number of short relationships (most better called 'encounters') i can't have a serious conversation, and women find me boring once they talk to me, hell, at least i'm honest.

Funny List Fishtits!

15th Apr 2004, 20:25
I put the toilet seat down.

I'm working on the rest.

15th Apr 2004, 21:36
After extensive reserach during a reasonable length of time on JB, I think I've come up with one thing that men cannot do.

1. Go for more than a month on JB without starting a thread on women's shortcomings.

When I was doing my degree in logic & metaphysics, we came up with a phrase called "doing a JCB" - i.e. keeping on digging when you've got yourself into a hole (argumentatively speaking). I start to wonder whether the men in the forum are protesting too much ...:E

15th Apr 2004, 22:06
Why the sensitivity. We don't care if women make a joke at us, but some women get upset and can't take a joke. If people don't like it, don't read the topic..simple. Don't take life too seriously, cos life doesn't take you too seriously... smile. I didn't know that a degree in logic & metaphysics was required to understand the term ''digging yourself into a hole'', glad i do Biochemistry! Were phrases like ''a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...'' also fully investigated? surely funding for a Phd available on that one!(thats only a joke)

Ralph the Bong
16th Apr 2004, 03:31
Ah, yes, Stockpicker, But that's only applicable when somone has dug themselves a hole..no one here had done that. Sultana, exactly! See 50. above. Females have no sense of humour when it comes to being critized. They consider themselves far too perfect for that! They can dish it out but they cant take it. :cool:

16th Apr 2004, 03:58
To get back on topic, in one of those intimidating magazines that women leave lying about the house, one woman wrote "I'd like to be a man for one day. So I could have an erection just to see what all the fuss is about."

16th Apr 2004, 04:04
And if a man could be a lady for a day, they wouldn't get out of bed.

16th Apr 2004, 11:05
If a man could be a lady for a day. He'd wake up and feel his breasts etc, when he was done with that he'd head to a gay bar and find the fittest lesbian(s)... and have as much fun as possible before 12 o clock came round again.

16th Apr 2004, 11:13
If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks

Speaking as one whose underpant hygiene is normally of the highest calibre, I would say this is probably true in more ways than intended!

16th Apr 2004, 18:40
The toilet seat and lid should always be left up at night.

The reason for this is that men sometimes need to pee in the night and women can't bear to be in bed with a light on anywhere in the house.

Seat & lid down + semi-conscious man peeing in dark = wet floor. :(

Rich Lee
16th Apr 2004, 22:09
Important Tip

Should you challange a woman to a contest as to which gender can micturate the furthest, be sure to include a clause that allows the use of hands.