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WeeWillyWinky
28th Nov 2001, 18:56
Just been sent this and if ever you have owned a cat you will empathise!


How to give a cat a pill.

1.Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill .

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harrnful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply band - aid to parner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch, Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T -shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ******* cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13, Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to casualty. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether have any hamsters.


(For our non - UK friends, casualty = accident and emergency department of hospital and RSPCA = charity called Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)

[ 28 November 2001: Message edited by: Acid_Regulator ]

DX Wombat
28th Nov 2001, 19:24
On returning home discover cat eating one of the previous batch of pills from where it had fallen on the floor. Retire to bed with second bottle of scotch consume until its soothing medicinal qualities have taken effect and the world seems a brighter place once more. Decide that any cat who can put up that much of a fight is not really in need of any medication. Result? One happy cat and one very happy, if somewhat sozzled, human. :D :D

Velvet
28th Nov 2001, 20:46
Rules for cats who have a house to run

1 DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened,stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

2 CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

3 BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

4 HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".
Following are the rules for "hampering":
a.When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b.For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c.For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d.For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on reports, income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e.When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

5 WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

6 BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. Always launch from the highest point (wardrobe) onto the sleeper to ensure sleeper is woken with maximum effect.

radeng
28th Nov 2001, 21:49
Velvet,

Either you've been observing my two Burmese, or you trained them!

Biggles Flies Undone
28th Nov 2001, 21:52
This is the point where Slasher used to post 'Diary of a 'Nam cat'. I think I miss Porky almost as much as he does :(

RW-1
29th Nov 2001, 02:19
RW-1 has found that if the feline is in it's carrier, it is much more succeptable to taking any pills offered to it. :D

Cat Carrier Link (http://dbhs.wvusd.k12.ca.us/Humor/Cat-Carrier.html)

G.Khan
29th Nov 2001, 02:46
How To Give a Dog a Pill:-

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Per Ardua Ad Asda
29th Nov 2001, 03:05
:confused: erm.... so why is a dog wrapped in bacon going to swallow a pill....?

tony draper
29th Nov 2001, 03:10
Wouldn't fool a Jack Russel Mr K,
Drapers method, be aware that the hound is aware that one is about to affront his/ her dignity, don't matter if said hound is half a mile away when the pill was taken from the bottle ,take it from Draper the hound knows.
Take three small cubes of dogs favorite cheese, secrete pill in middle cube,show hound the three cubes to arouse his interest, feed him first one he will wolf that in order to get second one, feed him second cube, then give him third cube immediatly, he will swallow second cube plus pill in order to get third one,now the hound is well aware that the second cube is suspect but greed overtakes caution.
It took Draper many years to figure this out.

PS, your bacon plan would not go down well with a Afghan Hound Mr K. ;)

[ 28 November 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

G.Khan
29th Nov 2001, 15:43
Well, I had three Basset Hounds once and it worked for them!

Sorry Per Ardu etc. missed "the pill" out! :rolleyes:

tony draper
29th Nov 2001, 15:51
Well Bassets are not nomaly friends of the prophet. ;)

Tricky Woo
29th Nov 2001, 17:26
I'm a bit uncertain as to the religious allegiance of Dalmatian dogs. It seems that the Dalmatian region of Croatia (Not a lot of people know that) used to be part of Johnny Turk's Ottoman empire (or that).

Explains a lot, huh?

Someone should tell the FBI: half the spotty dogs in San Francisco could be Taliban sympathisers. They should be interned immediately.

TW

Drop and Stop
29th Nov 2001, 17:33
To get a dog to swallow a pill:
1. Open the dogs mouth-chuck the pill down its throat.
2. Blow into the dogs nose ..... NO ..you dirty b*st*rds.. with your MOUTH!

Dog takes a big breath of air and the pill...

[ 29 November 2001: Message edited by: Drop and Stop ]

djk
30th Nov 2001, 12:55
A much simpler method is crush the pill up finely and just sprinkle over a bowl of cat food :)
worked everytime with my cats :)

fun experiment to try with cats:-
while the cat is asleep, place cellophane on their paws and wake them up. Then sit back and watch them bounce around the room :)

DX Wombat
30th Nov 2001, 14:13
They must have had learning difficulties or been brainwashed mine would just clear off and find a few fresh mice or birds to eat and leave the bowl of food/tablets until it grew its own fur coat or someone threw it out. :D :D

captainowie
1st Dec 2001, 15:12
A friend of mine used to put sticky-tape on her cat's feet, then laugh as they tried to run on the tiled floor - with absolutely no traction!

Le Pen
1st Dec 2001, 15:46
Hang on a moment!!!!

If you have to give a cat a pill, it must be ill! Therefor, will soon be dead!

Why bother with the pill??? :p

We all know, the only good cat is a dead cat! :D

Love

LP

tony draper
1st Dec 2001, 16:13
Whether a cat is alive or dead, is a great problem in theoretial physics Mr P.
See Shrodinnger's cat (sp)?. :confused:

PS, Drapers small white hound,loves his vitimin pills, and sets up a great howling if they are not forthcoming after he has had his dinner, he also loves cough sweets (Tunes)but has no interest in those doggy choc drops?. they are strange critters.
:confused:

[ 01 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Pseudonymn
2nd Dec 2001, 07:57
I had a cat once who had feline influenza, which naturally necessitated the giving of a lot of antibiotics.

Local Vet could not get cat to swallow pills at all, (A first for the vet, or so I'm told) but gave him injections instead and sent the pills home with the cat. :(

One afternoon I was trying to get said cat to swallow medication. Cat was not impressed and managed to bite through my fingernail to the nailbed beneath. :mad: Not a lot of fun. It hurt like hell and the cat was not impressed either after he had some stern loving care. Eventually managed to get cat to swallow pills. :)

Now have another cat that will eat pills straight from your hand!

Moral to the story: Cats will eventually swallow pills if you bribe them with enough pain! ;)

429 CJ
2nd Dec 2001, 08:12
I DID tell you I could fix a cat like that........ :D

Steepclimb
2nd Dec 2001, 15:52
Velvet you forgot a couple of antics for all cats to copy.

Lie down at the top of the stairs, with the bad lighting and your useful tabby camouflage pattern you can cause someone to either fall down the stairs or half frighten them to death.

Find a cupboard or wardrobe with an open door and slip inside, start shuffling around as soon as its quiet in the house. It sounds terrifying.

When a visitor who hates cats arrives, punish them by rubbing up against them or sitting and staring malevolently at them for hours.

When they leave the porch door open, wait until four in the morning then scratch the draught excluder flap until it sounds like some madman is trying to kick the door in.
Or if you can reach the letter flap or door knocker its just as effective.


When they buy cheaper cat food thats not to your taste refuse to eat it, for days if neccessary or until they give up and fork out for the stuff you like. Then refuse to eat that too. Keep them dangling.

If they persist in trying to control you, bring im a live mouse, play with it and kill it in front of them. The implication should be that they're next. This works very well with women.

Judy O'Halloran
3rd Dec 2001, 14:14
The treat idea works wonderfully in principle, Mr Draper, but ufortunately not on the thinking dog: rather, he takes the treat with pill enclosed, chews it around in his mouth, then calmly spits out the pill, looks at you with disdain, then stalks off...
I know, 'cos my Siberian Husky does exactly that!

gravity victim
3rd Dec 2001, 15:21
I know a Welsh gentleman of silent, menacing demeanour, physique like a condom stuffed with walnuts, face like a bulldog licking **** off a nettle, serves Her Majesty in a military capacity at secret base in Wales, probably has face blanked out in own wedding photo, you get the drift.

Anyway, while trying to get a pill down his kitten's neck, a lucky swipe by tiny feline opened a vein in his neck, fountains of blood, rush to casualty, cat 1, SAS Nil. Probably a first? Maybe we should be sending hard Cardiff kittens to Afghanistan to finish the job.. ;)

henry crun
3rd Dec 2001, 15:40
It doesn't matter what method one uses, giving a cat a pill is not for the faint hearted, and I've got the scars to prove it.
:)

Celtic Emerald
3rd Dec 2001, 22:32
Le Pen

Ya ain't the same Le Pen who was leader of that political party in France with eh slightly dubious connections. Ya sound like him :(

Personally I just force there gob wide open & shove it down there throat. Works everytime :D As far getting them into there carrier box well eh that's a different matter & I've the scars to prove it :mad:

Emerald

[ 03 December 2001: Message edited by: Celtic Emerald ]

Groundgripper
4th Dec 2001, 03:11
Crush the pill to a fine powder and sprinkle it on the cat's fur. Being naturally very clean animals, your average cat will immediately take offence and lick the powder off. If it tastes foul, it will assume it needs getting off more thoroughly and wash even harder.

tony draper
4th Dec 2001, 03:30
Re getting cats into carrier, Draper once had cause to look after a Gerbil belonging to young nephew.
Draper loves all four legged creatures and , feeling sorry for Spock, placed cage on floor with intention of having a chat with the small beast, gingerly opens cage door and small brown blurr exits cage at unbelievable rate of knots and disapears under settee.
Draper places cage back on table and comenced to plot recapture of small critter, Draper tries every thing, direct pursuit, hopeless, enticing with piece of apple, no go,attempt to throw old net curtain over creature ,hopeless, despair sets in ,no way small animal can be left free, it will escape into cellar and dissapear forever.
Hours later in desperation Draper picks Spocks cage off table in order to try and lure it back in with a trail of gerbil food and thru cunningly rigged piece of string close cage door when critter is within. Draper opens cage door in order to rig cunning trap and brown blur re-enters cage uninvited at the same rate of knots he exited same, panic over.
Still recon the string thingy would have worked. ;)

Tricky Woo
4th Dec 2001, 13:49
Hi All,

Uncharacteristically, I feel that I must support Herr Draper's minor digression, and relate the roller-coaster tale of Hamlet the Hamster.

Picture the scene: five years ago, three blokes in their early thirties sharing a whopping big pile of Victorian bricks in Didsbury, Manchester. Said blokes lived a life of debauched luxury.

Good times.

Two of the blokes decided during a typical Saturday afternoon of drunken debauchery to purchase a house pet of the hamster variety. The sort of 'great idea' one has when one is p!ssed as a rat. (No pun intended).

We also needed a toaster.

Two hours later, said revellers arrive back home with: one tiny hamster; one very expensive cage; stacks of hamster bedding and straw; two kilos of hamster food; water dispensor; shiny Dualit toaster.

Needless to say, the one sober house mate was less than impressed with the cost of the cage and toaster, (£105 and £150 respectively), but cheered up when it was pointed out that the hamster itself was remarkable value at £2.25.

David: "Christ, at that price it'll be cheaper not to feed the little f**ker. Just buy a new one every couple of weeks".

Always had a eye for a bargain, our David.

Anyway, as anyone with hamster experience knows, hamsters are escapologists that easily put to shame any of those blokes who hung about in Colditz.

As Hamlet grew older and wiser, she devised more and more ingenius methods of evading her captors. We were especially impressed by her occasional 'mystery escape from a locked cell' routine. Never did figure out that one. Usually, she turned up a few hours or so later; rooting about in the (cold) fireplace. Liked in there, she did. After an hour or so, of scrabbling about, she'd emerge looking like a coal miner.

Very dirty, but very cute.

One day, she did a more lengthy disappearing act. Most worried we were, as the days turned into over a week. Jerry had the idea of leaving a bit of food down to see if it disappeared: it did. Phew! We finally found her new home inside a sofa: lots of fluff and a big heap of food. Clever little sod.

Straight into the cooler with her; she sat in there like Steve McQueen, chucking her baseball against the wall. She never did get around to building a glider in her cage, but I reckon she could nick a motorbike easily.

No way would she have fallen for Herr Draper's 'string on the cage door' trick.

Christmas approached, and out came a more chastened Hamlet: to cheer her up, we set a huge bowl of whole peanuts before her. Hamlet liked whole peanuts. Mmmmm. As you do, we got chatting and drinking, and ignored her as she shoved large peanut husk after husk into her mouth pouches. When we next looked, we had a hammerhead hamster. I swear, her head was larger than the rest of her body.

How we cheered when we returned this Elephant Man-shaped monster to her cage: seventeen peanut husks were spat out into her favourite corner.

Beat that.

Two years followed; escape after escape. To tell the truth we got blasť: we knew we had a Captain Scarlet hamster. She'd turn up, she always did.

Then she didn't.

Jerry cried.

David didn't give a toss.

I still miss the mad little sod.

Good value, these hamsters.

TW (sniff)

Professor TailSpin
5th Dec 2001, 18:37
Anyone ever noticed the following:

When the cats are being (according to the girlfriend) nice, cute, cuddly (etc), the cats 'belong' to them.

However, when something not so nice happens concerning the cats (i.e, the feeding the cat a pill scenario), the cats suddenly become the property of the bloke. This relates also to other instances including:

- Cleaning up cat sick
- Removing dead animals (brought in by said cats as gifts)
- Dealing with the litter tray
- Putting on new collars
- Feeding all types of pills / medication
- Putting the cats into the carriers for the trip to the vets
- Applying flea drops on the back of the neck

Is this just me?

radeng
5th Dec 2001, 18:41
Tailspin, you've got it pretty well right, although Mrs. Radeng usually does the litter tray.

francine
5th Dec 2001, 22:17
If you think giving a cat a pill is difficult, try insulin shots twice a day. My cat is diabetic (who knew they could be?)

This same cat used to scare my neighbors to death when he got out in the hallway of my old apartment building. His favorite trick was to get up on his hind legs and jiggle their doors knobs, which usually sent the tennants scrambling to their peep holes (at under 3ft fully extended and well under radar, you can just imagine the effect)

He had a very popular stint as the Ghost Of 5912 Prud'Homme.

VP8
7th Dec 2001, 08:18
In memory of Slashers Porky

(as posted by Slasher on 31 May 2000 09:12)
Extract from Porky's diary:
--------------------------
Dear Diary,

7am:
Im awake and hungry. Me who was once a proud Cong cat reduced to beggar status under a Westerner. Miserable lowlife who owns me hasnt fed me since yesterday arvo, the bloody capitalist bastard.

8am:
His Borjwah-ship awakes and decides to throw me last nights crappy noodles. He laces it with chook bones just to make sure I choke. I spit out the bones and search for his log book

9am:
I sucessfully chew up 3 pages of his book while hes in the shower. Heh heh heh! Hmmm...computer running. Sh!t if I could type Id tell everyone what an @rsehole he is.

10am:
Thrown out on my ear with his boot firmly up my butt. He sure doesnt like having his log book eaten!

11am:
The ****** goes of to work so its time to wander over farmer Nguyens place. I heard the sows are on heat!

12pm:
Man I love pigs!

1pm:
Lunchtime! The Trangs next door have a bunch of newborn kittens! yum yum!

2pm:
"burp!" Siesta time.

3pm:
Wake up. Time to bully a few dogs.

4pm:
And another dog learns the hard way what it is to tangle with the Porker!
RIP.

5pm:
Im horny again. Back over to Nguyens!

6pm:
Sh!t huh the bastards home! So I crap on the hood of his Landrover.

7pm:
Im hungry again! This time I hiss like hell and show this deadbeat I mean business! I pee on his navbag and dare him to kick me!

7.01pm:
He kicks me.

7.15pm:
Hes made a peace offering in the form of bread with pork butts and gravy for dinner. My favorite! I cant decide if I should bonk the butts or just eat them.

8pm:
He sits down at the TV and scratches my ears to show hes not cranky. I dont like this.....

8.02pm:
I bloody knew it - he shoves me in the cage! Bastards taking me to the vet!

8.45pm:
Comrade vet shoves some horrible bloody things up my bum and I hiss and swear! A quick swipe of my claw draws blood from comrade nurses hand!

9:15pm:
Back home with a very very sore @rsehole.

10pm:
The stinking capitalist violently throws me out for the night. Well Ive had enough of this sh!t!
"Hey @rsehole Im a proud Nam cat! I deserve more bloody respect pal! My great-greats were kicking @rse all the way down the Trail in 75! Remember Nha Trang? Yeh bloody too right you do! You poonce in here and treat us Asian cats like you own the bloody place! Well it aint happening! You bloody hear me? Huh? Bloody hear me?
All the pr!ck can say is "You can mrow mrow mrow all you like but your staying OUT you little sh!t!"

10.30pm:
Im still going like a steam train! "You bloody @rseholes invade the place and think you own us dont you! DONT YOU! Yeh well...."

10.31pm:
He saunters out and screams "what the f*ck is it going to take to shut you up?"
I yell "Nothing pal! Im a proud Vietnamese cat! Long live the Cong, c*nt! Nothing will make me surrender my national pride! Youll never own ME! Never!"

10.32pm:
He brings out another helping of pork butts and gravy. Ok so Ive been bought off. I cant help it. Its a commie thing.

11pm:
Well a good day anyway. I got fed twice. I humped some new pigs. I killed a dog dead. I crapped on his car and ruined his log book!

Till tomorrow, nighty night diary.