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Slasher
20th Mar 2002, 18:40
In PPRuNe:. .. ."Please be patient as the room loads...". .- Be patient? Like THAT is going to speed up the dowloading or something? Nah, Ill yell and scream and rant about how long it takes. And what bloodey diference does it make to the great scheme of things wether Im patient or not!. .. .From the Tax office:. .. ."Kindly remit your outstanding tax debit of $10,000 to your nearest office.". .- Kindly remit? KINDLY? No I think Ill bloodey RUDELY remit my hard-earned money to you parasites thank you!. .. .On the side of a box of razor- blades:. .. ."Carefuly open the box and...". .- Nah there only sharp razors in there so Ill just open it in a care-free and roughshod manner and accept all any blood that drips from any cut fingers.. .. .On the side of a box of sleeping pills:. .. ."WARNING: This product causes drowsiness". .- Thanks for the tip. Id never have guessed that!

DKosky
20th Mar 2002, 18:56
On a tube of hair gel:. .. ."for external use only" . .. .ermmmmm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" /> . .. .within instruction booklet for an electricl steam iron:. .. ."High temperatures are generated during use which could cause burns. Always use the handle and warn others of the possible dangers". .. .oh dear, oh dear, oh dear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 20 March 2002, 14:00: Message edited by: djk ]</small>

Evo7
20th Mar 2002, 19:10
On my lunchtime soup: "Contents will be hot after heating". No f***ing sh*t Sherlock... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" />

RW-1
20th Mar 2002, 21:41
Observed recently, stenciled on the engine cowl of a Brand B airliner flown by a major air carrier:. .. ."Do not open fan cowl door until leading edge slats are retracted and deactivated. See instructions inside door."

Hot 'n' High
20th Mar 2002, 22:56
I have been to several places recently where, above the hot taps, there have been signs which say "Warning - this water may be hot"! . .. .Was I surprised or what? Thank heavens they warned me!!!!! After all, H 'n' H needs all the help he can get to survive in this dangerous world we live in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

PaperTiger
20th Mar 2002, 23:05
My fave... ."This file is too large for Notepad to open. Would you like to use Wordpad to read this file?" . .. .Nah, I didn't want to look at it really. Just clicked for the hell of it.. .. .And believe it or not MS actually has a KB article to explain the message ! http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=kb;EN-US;q215340

Skytrucker87
20th Mar 2002, 23:28
Someone has recently reported a food safety label on the side of a tin of roasted peanuts. .. ."WARNING - This product may contain nut traces"

paco
20th Mar 2002, 23:49
Last peanut packet I saw said "open contents and eat" on the outside.. .. .phil

MrWoollie
21st Mar 2002, 02:40
On an American stroller/pram.. ."Do not fold stroller with baby inside". .I guess someone did it and sued the company

Gertrude the Wombat
21st Mar 2002, 03:08
On a path through a rain forest in Hawaii:. .. ."Warning: this path may be slippery when wet."

Eliason
21st Mar 2002, 03:52
Seen on various slopes in Colorado:. .. ."Fast and reckless skiing will not be tolerated". .If I am slow - I may be reckless? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="confused.gif" /> . .. .And on a snowboard-binding:. ."Live has many risks - snowboarding is one of them" - didn't really do much to explain how to use the binding - but thanks for the warning nonetheless!

senkrcha
21st Mar 2002, 03:52
These are supposedly all real!. .. .On * hairdryer:. ."Do not use while sleeping.". .(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair). .. .On a bag of * Crisps:. ."You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.". .Evidently, the shoplifter special). .. .On a bar of * soap:. .Directions: Use like regular soap.". .And that would be how. . . ?). . . .On some * frozen dinners:. ."Serving suggestions: Defrost.". .(But it's just a suggestion). . . .On * Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of. .box): "Do not turn upside down.". .Oops, too late!). . . .On packaging for a * iron:. ."Do not iron clothes on body.". .But wouldn't this save even more time?). . . .On * Children's Cough Medicine:. ."Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.". .(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.). . . .On * Sleep Aid:. ."Warning: May cause drowsiness.". .One would hope). . . .On a Japanese food processor:. ."Not to be used for the other use.". .(I gotta admit, I'm curious.). . . .On an * Airlines packet of nuts:. ."Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.". .(Step 3: Fly Delta.). . . .On a child's Superman costume:. ."Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.". .(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.). . . .On a Swedish chain saw:. ."Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or. .genitals.". .(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?... Good grief). . . .On a tube of * Toothpaste:. ."If swallowed contact poison control.". .(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying. .from swallowing a little toothpaste?). . . .On a bottle of * laundry detergent:. ."Remove clothing before distributing in washing. .machine.". .(Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids). .. .(Edited to remove brand names!). . . . <small>[ 20 March 2002, 22:56: Message edited by: senkrcha ]</small>

Send Clowns
21st Mar 2002, 04:11
I know for a fact the iron one was because someone did try to, and I seem to remember the chainsaw one was too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" />

Jet Dragon
21st Mar 2002, 04:16
On the dishwasher at work : "Do not open door while dishwasher is in use" geee - why???. .. .My fave on a Hotel Hairdryer "Do not use in the shower" - yes the Billy Connolly story has been authenticated!!!!. .. .JD

KayGridley
21st Mar 2002, 04:21
My favourite has to be the english translation on a korean kitchen knife.... .. ."Warning keep out of children" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" /> . .. .Methinks something got lost in the translation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" />

abeesley
21st Mar 2002, 07:59
Aircraft gyros have a sticker on them WARNING HANDLE LIKE EGGS.. .. .What do they mean? Turn it into an omlette? (Could be a plane omelette!). .. .When you remove a part from an aircraft you have to fill in a lable. You also have to include any relevant safety handling tips. I removed a generator one day. Couldn't think of any specific handling tips for a generator, just wrote HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED.

STORMER
21st Mar 2002, 08:07
Found this on a tube of cold sore cream.. .. . "Do not use in eyes or on genitals". .. . I was wondering why it stung so much.. . . . <small>[ 21 March 2002, 03:24: Message edited by: Stormer ]</small>

Slasher
21st Mar 2002, 15:03
On a hotel soap-packet in China:. .. ."WARNING: Please not to eat soap after using. If eating, speak at doctor for sicking.". .- You dont say! Sh!t I need to "speak at doctor" for the "sicking" I get from goin outside and eatin the local cuisine! The soaps much more edible and tastyer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="tongue.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 21 March 2002, 10:04: Message edited by: Slasher ]</small>

stagger
21st Mar 2002, 15:17
Wasn't there a famous sign somewhere in Yorkshire that read "DO NOT THROW STONES AT THIS NOTICE" or is this an apocryphal tale?

angels
21st Mar 2002, 15:33
Apocryphal I think stagger, I saw it in a BC cartoon many years ago in the States.. . Anyway, back to the thread. On the trollies in Toys R'Us in Kowloon some six years ago, "Please do not leave your personal values in this trolley."

tony draper
21st Mar 2002, 16:03
"This page deliberatly left blank",always baffles me, why don't they just leave that feckin page out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="confused.gif" />

FlyingForFun
21st Mar 2002, 16:37
"If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing"

Eric
21st Mar 2002, 18:51
Not instructions as such but I saw a box of posh salt (ie Nacl in a fancy box), that had a long explanation of how this salt was a completely natural product with nothing added and that it had been deposited millions and millions of years ago.. .. .The sell by date ran out in 6 months! . . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" />

Dockjock
21st Mar 2002, 19:22
Those recently certified new drug TV ads that are put out by pharmaceutical companies crack me up.. .. .&lt;Doping looking actor&gt; "My headache is gone!". .&lt;Voice over&gt; "Warning, side effects include nausea, sleeplessness, wakefulness, incontinence, halucinations, blurred vision, muscle spasms, muscle cramps, vomiting, memory loss, hair loss, halitosis, diarreha, hearing loss, heart attack, stroke, and racing heart.". .. .Hmmm, think I'll just keep the headache thanks.

aidybennett
21st Mar 2002, 19:33
What about that warning about viruses that you get when you try to open an e-mail attachment-"Are you sure you want to open this?" Well until I b****y open it, I don't know if I need to, do I?. .. .Does anyone who flies or has flown in PFA type light aircraft wonder what non-pilot passengers must think when they read the placard-Warning, this aircraft is not ceritified to international standards? We know what it means but if I saw something like that on something I didn't know much about, for instance, diving equipment, would I trust it? Don't think so!. .. .And I saw a great one on the pack of NiQuitin CQ-the new stop smoking lozenge-Do not take if allegic to Nicotine! Erm, am I missing something here??. . . . <small>[ 21 March 2002, 14:34: Message edited by: Captain James Bigglesworth ]</small>

Justforkix
21st Mar 2002, 20:06
On American beers:. .. .Warning: women should not drink alcoholic beverages

Justforkix
21st Mar 2002, 20:09
ohh I forgot the last part: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> . .. .while pregnant!

PaperTiger
21st Mar 2002, 22:38
Not exactly stupid instructions, more in the CYA COMPLETELY vein, this is from a recent airline PR.. .. ."Safe Harbor Statement under the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995: . .. .******** notes that this press release contains forward-looking statements and that certain information contained in this press release involves risks and uncertainties that could result in actual results differing materially from expected results. These statements include, but are not limited to, discussions pertaining to expanding ********'s service into new markets. Forward-looking statements represent the Company's expectations and beliefs concerning future events, based on information available to the Company as of the date of this press release. Forward-looking statements are inherently subject to risks and uncertainties, many of which cannot be predicted with accuracy and some of which might not even be anticipated. Some of the factors that could significantly impact the forward-looking statements in this press release include, but are not limited to: additional incidents that could cause the public to question the safety and/or efficiency of air travel; operational disruptions; industry consolidation; air traffic control-related difficulties; the impact of labor issues; actions of the federal and local governments; enhanced security requirements; changes in the government's policy regarding relief to the airline industry; the stability of the U.S. economy; the economic environment of the airline industry; the timing of, and expense associated with, expansion and modification of our operations in accordance with our business strategy or in response to competitive pressures or other factors; increased federal scrutiny of low-fare carriers generally that may increase our operating costs or otherwise adversely affect us; actions of competing airlines, such as increasing capacity and pricing actions of ?????? Airlines and other competitors; the availability of suitable aircraft, which may affect our ability to achieve operating economies and implement our business strategy; the unavailability of, or inability to secure upon acceptable terms, financing necessary to purchase aircraft that we have ordered; issues relating to our transition to an ###### aircraft fleet; uncertainties regarding aviation fuel prices; operational disruptions as a result of bad weather; the impact of labor issues; and actions of the U.S. and local government and regulatory agencies. The Company undertakes no obligation to publicly update or revise any forward-looking statements to reflect events or circumstances that may arise after the date of this press release. Additional information regarding these and other factors may be contained in the Company's SEC filings, including without limitation, the Company's 10-K for its fiscal year ended March 31, 2001; the Company's Form 10-Q for the quarter ended Dec. 31, 2001; the Company's Form 8-K filed May 7, 2001, and the Company's Form 8-K filed January 22, 2001, as amended by the Company's Form 8-K/A filed July 11, 2001.". .. .Don't say we didn't tell ya !

Grainger
21st Mar 2002, 23:22
"This door must remain closed at all times". .. .Errr... that's a wall, isn't it ?

Slasher
21st Mar 2002, 23:46
Warning on instruction sheet of a home lightning-conductor I bought earlyer this year from the US:. .. ."After you have installed your XXXX lightning conductor kit, you must not touch the metal conductor rods nor any metal componants during a lightning strike or electrocution may occur.". .. .- Yeh? No sh!t. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" />

senkrcha
21st Mar 2002, 23:57
Some more in the same ballpark ......These are sign posts that I am told all exist around the world. If not some of them are clever;. .. .In a Nairobi restaurant: . .CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. . .. .On an Athi River highway: . .TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. . .. .On a poster at *com: . .ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. . .. .A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: . .DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. . .. .In a Pumwani maternity ward: . .NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. . .. .In a cemetery . .PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. . .. .Sign in Japanese public bath: . .FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. . .. .Sign in men's rest room in Japan: . .TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT. . .. .Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: . .GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. . .. .Hotel notice, agin in Tokyo: . .IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS. . .. .On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: . .OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR . .. .In a Tokyo bar: . .SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. . .. .In a Bankok temple: . .IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN . .. .Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: . .PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM . .. .Hotel brochure, Italy: . .THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. . .. .Hotel lobby, Bucharest: . .THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. . .. .Hotel elevator, Paris: . .PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. . .. .Hotel, Yugoslavia: . .THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. . .. .Hotel, Japan: . .YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. . .. .In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery . .YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. . .. .Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: . .NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. . .. .Supermarket, Hong Kong: . .FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. . .. .Dry cleaner's, Bangkok: . .DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. . .. .In an East African newspaper: . .A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. . .. .Hotel, Vienna . .IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. . .. .A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: . .IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. . .. .An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: . .TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. . .. .A laundry in Rome: . .LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. . .. .Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: . .TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. . .. .The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: . .GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. . .. .Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: . .WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. . .. .On the door of a Moscow hotel room: . .IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. . .. .Cocktail lounge, Norway: . .LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. . .. .Doctors office, Rome: . .SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. . .. .Hotel, Acapulco: . .THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. . .. .Car rental brochure, Tokyo: . .WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

JetAgeHobo
22nd Mar 2002, 10:25
Used to be a sign at the old Kai Tak airport in the passenger drop off area.. .. ."Slow airport employees crossing". .. .Sign on building here in South China. .. ."no best, only better"

Diesel8
22nd Mar 2002, 10:41
Prophecia, a drug for regainning hair.. .. .Possible side effect: erectile difficulties!!. .. .So, lemme see, you want hair so women flock to you, well lets say they do,now what?!!!!!!!!!!!

Kalium Chloride
22nd Mar 2002, 12:15
London Underground escalator:. .. .DOGS MUST BE CARRIED. .. .Do you know how long it took me to find a farkin dog? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" />

The Nut Behind The Wheel
22nd Mar 2002, 13:16
What about the items that SHOULD have warnings on them!. .Pool filter box- do not insert penis. .Cucumber- do not insert up arse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" /> . .Vibrator- do not use if short- circuit develops. .Vacuum cleaner- see pool filter box above. .Video recorder- do not place bread inside (will not make toast, as I explained to my kids). .Nylon pants (who wears these things!)- do not attempt blue flame. .Lycra sport pants- do not wear if female and overweight-Yuk!. .. .Any more for any more?

keeders
25th Mar 2002, 02:01
Coming from the opposite angle (although not wanting to condone any of this ..).. .. .Part of the reason for all these warnings comes from our increasingly litigious society, and, (not being funny, but a lot of it stems from the USA) the ease with which people can use the legal system to gain extreme levels of compensation. This example is I am told a true story..... .. .Somewhere in the USA, a lady who was a real dog lover, insisted on taking the dog for a walk all all weathers, rain, shine etc etc.. .. .Now, call me old fashioned but this is where the problem comes - said lady, had a somewhat novel approach to drying the dog following expeditions in the rain - pop the sweet thing in oven for five minutes and it'll soon have a nice dry coat..... .. .Technology & advancement being what it is - along comes the wonderful invention of the microwave oven (you shoudl be able to now see where I'm going with this....).. .. .The next time lady & dog went for walkies & it was raining, they came home and,.....You've guessed it !!!!. .. .Nuked poodle !!!!. .. .But, the sting in the tail.......The lady won in court becasue the manufacturer failed to have any kind of warning that poodles & microwaves don't mix either on the box or in the instrcution...... .. .Do you believe it ???????????

PaperTiger
25th Mar 2002, 02:58
&gt;Do you believe it ??????????? . .. .No ! http://www.snopes2.com/horrors/techno/micropet.htm

captainowie
26th Mar 2002, 07:30
"Do not use if the safety button has popped". .. .Ok, so I purchase my jar of jam, or sauce, or whatever it happens to be, with the seal still intact. Then I open it, and now I can't use it??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="confused.gif" />

BLEKE
26th Mar 2002, 12:59
outside one of the STN buildings :. .. ." no smoking outside this building " . .. .declaring the rest of the world a non smoking area