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View Full Version : Which units to send to Afghanistan?


HugMonster
24th Nov 2001, 18:09
MILITARY ACTIONS UPON ENCOUNTERING A SNAKE

Infantry: Track snake through jungle with blowpipe. Snake smells them and rapidly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake. Tabs to objective.

Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as it has no impact on the primary objective - to hold London against the Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marines Commandos: Play with snake, get naked together then eat snake.

Combat Engineers: Study snake. Prepare tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating the snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Artillery: Misses snake despite massive time on target barrage. Tree blown up by stray shot falls on snake and kills it. Mission is declared a success and all participants are awarded medals for valour.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring all Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best seller "Python Two Zero".

Army Medical Services: Blames death of snake on DCS 15 cutbacks.

Royal Navy: Fires missiles (various) from ships (various). Kills snake - (with a probability of 95%). Makes presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend away. Keeps quiet about it.

RAF: Obtains GPS co-ordinates for snake. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for fuel, crew rest, collect dry-cleaning and manicure.

Joint Helicopter Command: Unable to locate snake due to poor Infra-Red signature.

Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of the 35 indicators of snake presence are currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low.

Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 1 year study by McKinsey & Co consultants at cost of 1.5m and generating massive work at staff officer level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by allowing snake meat to be used in Tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed at Bath, with 2-star steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all Service messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake meat experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas not consulted. High profile 2m PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding lack of interest. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells excess snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.