View Full Version : Where did my kit kat post go?

monkey boy
1st Jul 2001, 20:50
Was it really so out of order? If it was I apologise.

Nil nos tremefacit
1st Jul 2001, 22:12
You've got me wondering what things can be done with a Kit Kat that, when explained, are so rude that they're removed from the site. ;p

monkey boy
1st Jul 2001, 22:28
It was the foil wrapper, and it wasn't me!

Those of you who read it, try reposting, my fingers got tired out typing!

Nil nos tremefacit
1st Jul 2001, 22:36
I'd just got my head round some of the things that I was going to do with a Kit kat and my wife and now you say it was the wrapper! Back to the interesting thought processes! :P

1st Jul 2001, 22:40
The kit kat post was fine. However, someone foolishly posted a link to a website that doesn't fit in with Danny's current guidelines. What amazed me was that this person did it so soon after the recent bunfight. :rolleyes:

reddo...feral animal!

monkey boy
1st Jul 2001, 22:41
So you want the kit kat post back then?

1st Jul 2001, 23:33
So it wasn't the one about the difference between Joan Collins and a Kitkat? :)

Breeding Per Dementia Unto Something Jolly Big, Toodle-pip

2nd Jul 2001, 00:20
Whilst waiting for Monkey to rewrite his posting - here's mine again.


When a 40 year old man arrived at a hospital asking to see a doctor specialising in "men's troubles", he was shown to a cubicle. There, he gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul smelling, stained gauze from around his scrotum, which had swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit.

On further inspection, it was discovered that his left testicle was missing completely and, embedded within the swollen, tender and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the patient confessed were one inch staple nails from an industrial staple gun.

It transpired that the man spent lunchtimes alone in the workshop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing his penis on the moving canvas fan belt of a piece of machinery. One day, the excitement had caused him to lose his concentration and the fan belt had snatched his scrotum into the fly-wheel, throwing him several feet across the floor and removing his left testicle.

Rather than go to hospital, he self-administered first aid using a staple gun and then continued work when his colleagues returned.

It was two weeks before he got around to visiting the hospital. Eeeeeeeeew!

A man arrived at a hospital wearing an overcoat and with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the 'hairs' on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra and ripped it to shreds.

A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from a night shift to his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt up and took a bite out of it. The man required cosmetic surgery to repair the damage.

A 34 year old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his girlfriend on not one, but two occasions, he noticed that his erection was still in its full glory.

Having struggled to sleep through the night, he awoke to find his boner still standing proud. Due to his concern that the police
discover his possession, and indeed use of an illegal substance, he decided against visiting his doctor.

However, after three days of enduring headaches and nausea caused by the constant trouser swelling, he went to the hospital in search of help. He was immediately admitted and referred to a specialist who
diagnosed a 'lack of oxygen to vital blood streams' in his body as the cause of his sickness.

He was given numerous drugs to combat the swelling and infection but shortly afterwards, developed blood clots in various parts of his body, ultimately leading to the onset of gangrene. As a result of his condition,he lost both of his legs, nine fingers and his penis.

A student (American I believe) studying in Ireland took up rugby. As his first season progressed, he and his companions were eventually scheduled to play a team, which had a reputation for violent play. Considering that they weren't the most talented outfit to grace the field, they decided to accept the challenge with a "do or die" mentality, hoping that the game would eventually swing in their favour. They didn't.

To make matters worse, David their star player, dislocated his pelvis after a particularly ferocious tackle. The player was clearly in a lot of pain so everyone stood back to allow the medic to, in one swift movement, pop theleg back into the socket.

David released a long, blood-curdling scream. To their horror, they realised that one of his testicles had been jammed in the socket and was now firmly held in the place between the femur and pelvis.

Incidentally, David managed to rip a vocal chord as a consequence of his screaming

monkey boy
2nd Jul 2001, 00:31
OK here it is again. I take it you've all heard of the Darwin Awards, given posthumously to those who have furthered human evolution, either by death or by rendering themselves incapable of reproduction.

A few years ago I met someone who I will be nominating for a Darwin Award.
This is my story.


A few years ago I was working as a Radiographer on an Island off the coast of the UK somewhere. I was not on duty at the time of this gentlemans first admission, and so knew nothing of his dilemma until:-

The gentleman was referred for an urethrogram, an examination of the urethra with a dye, which shows up on the X ray films. I went into the examination room to greet him, and so I asked him what the trouble was (As I always did)

I very soon wished I hadn't

"I've been having trouble getting an erection, and so I thought that there might be something, you know, inside that I could, kind of er, stimulate"

I nodded, and blushed somewhat

"So I got the foil wrapper from a kit kat I'd just eaten, and rolled it into a tight tube, and, er pushed it, you know, in"

I blushed a bit more

"It didn't seem to work, so I took it out again, only thing is, it didn't all come out again"

It transpired that he'd left about 1/4 of the foil lodged in the base of his penis, so he'd gone into theatre and a surgeon with very thin pliers had kindly removed the rest.

He'd gone home to recover, but had started to experience problems passing water, and so saw his GP who referred him for the examination.

A catheter was introduced into the tip of his penis (seems tame now doesn't it) and the dye was injected. Where you would expect to see a thin, smooth walled channel from the tip of the penis to the bladder, we saw a jagged rough outline almost as big as the penis itself. The diagnosis was that there had been an undetected infection inside the penis and almost all of the inside of it had been eroded away, leaving him with a skin sheath, useless for everything except urination.

During the examination he told us that
"After I've been for a pee, I need to give it a good squeeze, and I get about a cupful out"

He also asked the Doctor
"Doctor am I normal, I'm 41 and I'm a virgin"
To which the doctor, rather cruelly in my opinion replied
"No. I'm 38 and have 4 children"

He also asked the doctor if he was unsuccessful because of the shape and size of his penis.

He will be now.

Further horrid medical tales and pearls of wisdom from kit kat man on request.

Let this be a warning to you all.

PS. the wrappers are soon to be changed. Wonder why.....

PPS. What the hell was he doing pissing into a cup?

[This message has been edited by monkey boy (edited 01 July 2001).]

[This message has been edited by monkey boy (edited 02 July 2001).]

monkey boy
2nd Jul 2001, 21:23
Keen followers of medical horror stories may like to hear about the man who was reversing his car out of the drive, while he was being directed by his wife. He ran her over, and she was killed. When he realised what he'd done he promptly dropped dead of a heart attack.

They were on their way to their golden wedding anniversary.

Mac the Knife
2nd Jul 2001, 23:50
'Mazing stories. Mustn't be a spoilsport and point out the occasional impossibilities (like getting your testis into your acetabulum).

You should see some of the sad plonkers after the yearly tribal circumcisions in the bush - quarter-plonkers, half-plonkers and no-plonkers at all... Rusty razor and cowdung. Deaths too.

Don't you dare mention Darwin...