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View Full Version : Some e-mails i have had recently....


Big Red ' L '
1st Jul 2001, 00:35
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband mentioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."


Of course, on the next tee she promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out...now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost."


They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"


"Uh, yes we are, and we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.


"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you! You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."


"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a split second then blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."


"No problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do.


And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the wife.


"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done." The genie said.


"And now," they both asked the genie in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"


"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."


The husband looked at this wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"


She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."


The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, "Tell me, how old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No **** ! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?!"
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Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman . The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
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One for the women.
In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. How's things, Eve?" He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create, Man from, a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I put that useless tit?"
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Living in 2001
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you
back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6.. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she
can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the
screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for
half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to
go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be
a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your
way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else?
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20 Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped...
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
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Life Reflections by George Carlin

1. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

7. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

8. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

9. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

10. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

11. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

12. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

14. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a lose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
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[This message has been edited by Big Red ' L ' (edited 30 June 2001).]

pigboat
1st Jul 2001, 04:09
A few more Carlin observations:

Regarding Red Riding Hood: Wolves can't be all bad if they eat your grandmother. Even grandpa won't do that.

When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they've caught the right one?

If you want to keep your dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a few times a week.

I thought it would be nice to get a job in a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.

The Mai Tai got its name when two Polynesian drunks got in a fight over some neckwear.

Just because your penis surgery wasn't successful is no reason to go off half-cocked.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair and as****e. And to save time, I use the same brush.

[This message has been edited by pigboat (edited 01 July 2001).]