View Full Version : I'm a Francophile honest

31st Mar 2004, 21:29
The following advisory for American travellers heading France compiled from information provided by the US State department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive Spy satellites that the French don't know about.

It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland, and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. They rarely bathe and when they do, they use no soap under their armpits and in their pubic area. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France and Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years. And is now an airport.

Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided up into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, both are on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliaments principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a film that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family-ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine: Lets face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, then they are on strike and blocking the road with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays: France has more holidays than any other in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 Saints Days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumphas if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days,17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A word of warning: The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonalds, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15am and 5.20am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck.

31st Mar 2004, 21:40
been making the rounds for quite a piece of time (population figure 10% below the current one).
Last time posted on JB was january 15th (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=1140993#post1140993)
Had me almost smile the first time I read it.

31st Mar 2004, 22:04
OK, JBers, you're so smart and well-informed. Let's have a discussion of the French regional elections results then.

31st Mar 2004, 22:22
Many from the left think they won................but the truth is the Right lost in these elections.

1st Apr 2004, 00:03
Clearly a Limey forgery. No American would use the term "lorry".

So much for our supposed friends from perfidious Albion.

1st Apr 2004, 00:22
Also, who would try to say "croissant" anyway? In Wisconsin they deal with this handily: "Comma Buns". Sacred blue.

a is dum
1st Apr 2004, 06:29
Oh well, I missed my chance............

Shame really, I could have had a good day :(

ROTTERDAM (AFP) - L'équipe de France de football, plus inspirée en défense qu'offensivement du fait de certaines absences, a fait match nul face au Pays-Bas (0-0)

1st Apr 2004, 08:00
Albions were very good lorries IIRC.

1st Apr 2004, 08:03
YRC :ok:
Albion Clubs website (http://www.albion-trust.org.uk/galleries.html)

1st Apr 2004, 08:53
How about some french military history

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
:E :E

1st Apr 2004, 08:58
They won at Hastings :E

a is dum
1st Apr 2004, 09:02

1st Apr 2004, 09:02
How original (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=784992#post784992) are we today ?

:zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:

1st Apr 2004, 09:03
Actually since Gainsey is a Sussex lad, I would have thought this Albion (http://www.seagulls.premiumtv.co.uk/page/Home/0,,10433,00.html) would be more up his street n'est ce pas?

1st Apr 2004, 09:13
Sussex Lad!!??!! :mad:
I'm a feckin Yorkshireman.:ok: :)

1st Apr 2004, 09:19
Oh come on. If 'Le Monde' can describe the regional elections as a defeat for Napoleon, then surely JB can do better.

I mean, it's not as if you need any facts or informed opinions. Just look at the 'Madrid' thread.

If you can't do it, you're just a bunch of big girls' blouses.

1st Apr 2004, 09:19
Then your profile should read 'West Sussex - but I'm a Yorkshireman'.

Or 'Northern git' or summat..... :ok:

1st Apr 2004, 09:20
BRe901 - oops! :O
Sorry didn't realise prior posting, had it on file and was in context

2nd Apr 2004, 19:15
They won at Hastings

Of course, Normandy wasn't actually part of France then. Indeed, Normandy should be part of Britain by rights. Maybe we should take it back. Although if you go to Calais, it seems as if the Brits have already begun the invasion...

2nd Apr 2004, 19:22
[pedantic ON]
The town in Normandy closest to Calais is Le Tréport (not far from Dieppe). Distance is 133 km (82.64 mi)
[pedantic OFF]


2nd Apr 2004, 19:32
I have a Scottish neighbour in my Provence paradise.
Wonder what would please him................?

2nd Apr 2004, 19:42
Don't understand the question. Do you mean in a social context? or a gift?
What part of Scotland is he from?

3rd Apr 2004, 08:16
Bre901, I didn't intend to suggest that Calais is in Normandy, although I can see how you might think that.

3rd Apr 2004, 08:33
"France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe" (my italics) hasn't been true for about ten years now. Unless you're using a little Englander's definition of Europe that is (ie. not including the UK).

3rd Apr 2004, 20:35
..........next week when I go there.
I was asking what Scottish like in general, I think this one likes sun, french cooking and Provence ambiance.

3rd Apr 2004, 20:36
I like the French

with freedom fries:E :E :E


3rd Apr 2004, 20:51
with freedom fries Freedom Fries my :mad: !!!!!

Puerile, smug, no-brain Newspeak sloganeering and pre-digested opinion designed to break the tattered remnants of the habit of rational thought among the masses and deprive them of the intellectual capacity to call their "masters" to account.

"Freedom Fries" as opposed to what, exactly? "Tyranny Fries" or maybe "Slavery Fries"?


Please understand that I'm not having a poke at you here, Ozzy, but rather at this kind of linguistic tw*ttery that never fails to set my teeth on edge and bring me out in hives. :*

So, how's your day been?

3rd Apr 2004, 20:58
Hey there Caslance, sounds like you've had a sh*te 12 hours. Yep, I had to laugh when the "freedom fries" label were stuck on the chips in the Senate restau. But it gorra rise out of yer as well :)


3rd Apr 2004, 21:24
Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :ok:

3rd Apr 2004, 23:06
I thought that "freedom fries" was a useful indication of:

1) the intellect of the politicians, or
2) what they think of the intellect of their constituents,
3) or both.

One doesn't get a self-revealing indication of intellect every day - sometimes you have to wait two or more days.


4th Apr 2004, 05:14
Freedom fries. And they tasted sh*te anyway