View Full Version : 15 Things to do in Tescos

Mr Chips
31st Mar 2004, 08:50
I haven't seen in posted elsewhere.. and it gave me a chuckle! Anyone willing to do any of these?

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples'
trolley when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the female

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
"Code 10 at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.

10. While handling knives in the kitchen ware department ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look
using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
shout, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the
fetal position and scream, " NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly...."Hey! We're
out of toilet paper in here!"

31st Mar 2004, 10:56
I'd like to curl an otter out on the checkout conveyer belt.

The company is owned by
crooks (http://society.guardian.co.uk/housing/news/0,8366,988801,00.html), managed by idiots and staffed by reversionary creatures.

A quote from the manager of my local branch of Tesco.

"Our lawyers do not agree with the Sale of Goods Act."

31st Mar 2004, 11:12
Buy our company's CD's :ok:

Coco :D

Boss Raptor
31st Mar 2004, 11:31
Just been waiting for TD to quip 'Just ask boss what he gets up to at Tescos'..and he failed me :{ :E

Cost savings TD...I say I say cost savings :cool:

Jelly Baby Freak
31st Mar 2004, 11:34
In LHR Terminal 1, I was waiting on my workmate to get his Canadian $$before our flight to YVR.
I saw the desk that had a sign which read
'Shopping Queries' (or something like),
so I went over and asked the lady,
"Why does my wife spend so much money in Sainsburys?" needless to say she didn't have an answer :E :E

31st Mar 2004, 11:41
"Our lawyers do not agree with the Sale of Goods Act."

I'd like to know some background to that, if possible.

The Nr Fairy
31st Mar 2004, 11:42
16. Ask of your wife, in a loud voice, "I'm off to get the cream cheese." Her - "Why, have we run out ?" I - "No, I want to smear it all over you and lick it off."

Yes, it was me, yes I was drunk, and yes it DID get a look from a passing lady !

31st Mar 2004, 12:50
I used to do this a few years ago anytime there was a party at my house.

What you do is fill the trolley with beer , wine , spirits , mixers and then put a packet of nappies and a jar of babyfood on top of the pile in the trolley. Proceed directly to the checkouts and look for one manned by a more mature lady (likely to be a working mum). Let her scan everything through and when she gives you the bill total - pretend you don't have enough cash for everything. Then return the nappies and babyfood, pay her and leave.

The looks from the checkout lady & others in the store have to be seen to be believed.

31st Mar 2004, 13:06

I bought a DVD player that performed very poorly for a few days before ceasing to operate altogether.

I returned it to the store as i regarded it as unfit for the purpose that it was sold for but was informed that refunds were not possible as they "had their own policy" and I had to contact the helpline.

The helpline would only talk about a repair/replacement rather than a refund even though the performance of the machine was poor even when working.

I went back to the shop again and had a discussion with the manager of the branch who came out with that particular quotation.

Portsmouth Trading Standards also claimed that they had no power to intervene in a dispute bewteen a member of the public and a retailer and could only provide a leaflet about the county court as they were only responsible for trading policy not enforcement of legislation.

Consequently I will never willingly spend another penny in a business connected with these thieves and liars.

31st Mar 2004, 13:12
Hmm. Interesting and I'm am not suprised with your annoyance.

I am surprised that Trading Standards did nothing though, especially as it was within a few days of purchase.

4th Apr 2004, 11:59
I once worked at Tesco for a brief period. Only job where I've been sacked. The management thought they were gods with walkie talkies - self-important ******s.

Best day I had there was when a colleague and I decided to do acid. Might have had something to do with me getting sacked...

4th Apr 2004, 12:55
Drop a jar of Tate & Lyles Golden Syrup on the floor from a great height.:E

Mr Chips
4th Apr 2004, 14:19
Apparently another way to spend your days is to fill a trolley to the top with food, then make a run for the doors. Leave the trolley in the store but keep running. If you get a good gung ho rent a cop he will try to stop you - despite the fact that you have done nothing wrong!!!!

very naughty of course and I would never condone such actions

4th Apr 2004, 15:36
maninblack's tale is odd because oneself and one's best friend once bought a DVD-Home-Cinema system from Tesco whilst pissed at 3am.

It was only the next morning that we realised why it was only 120: it was sh*te.

Took it back, got the money back. Kept the Clubcard points though!

6th Apr 2004, 10:47
Sadly I wish it were not true.

I would however rather share a bowl of biscuits with Houndinblack than buy groceries from that bunch of sheep biting knaves.

6th Apr 2004, 11:09
I don't necessarily agree with some of the sentiments expressed in this thread, but I can confirm maninblack's point about Portsmouth Trading Standards.

I have a dispute at the moment with an estate agent. Hampshire Trading Standards feel that I/they have a case for taking the estate agent to court for a property misdescription violation. They even asked me for a copy of a letter to me from my solicitor.

However, when I asked if I could use their evidence in my own claim, they told me that whatever they did, they couldn't communicate with me any further (even to the extent of telling me the outcome of the case) and that I was on my own. Great justice system we have in England!:sad:

6th Apr 2004, 11:52
Chippy - That pseudo "runner" gag is alway funny. Saw a guy do it in Brisbane years ago. Good old rent-a-cop didn't know what to do when 2 guys dumped their trolley and bolted. Although, there was a rumour going round it was a diversion for one of their buddies to calmly walk out a couple of metres behind them.

But as always with most shops in old Blighty - Service with a grimace!! (I know, most of ths shop assistants are feeling undervalued and would appreciate customers walking up to them and giving them a random hug).

Ali Barber
6th Apr 2004, 12:18
Not surprised about trading standards. I had a major run in with PC World and got the same unhelpful advice - a leaflet on how to make a claim in the small claims court.

I foolishly broke my 7 year long comittment to never going into PC World and got royally shafted - again. I wouldn't p**s on them if they were on fire!

6th Apr 2004, 12:41
I bought a DVD player that performed very poorly

That will be all the stranglers records with out Hugh Cornwall :D

I hate Tesco!!

6th Apr 2004, 14:23

You are a very naughty person and you will not get a rise oput of me for your Hugh Cornwell revisionist running dog attitude.

Damn! You just did!:O

Capn Notarious
6th Apr 2004, 14:26
Another thing to do in Tesco: is to be polite to the staff, because so many customers are not.

If courtesy is contagious, let's start the epidemic.

Ralph the Bong
6th Apr 2004, 14:31
17. Make a video for the www.peoplewhohavesexinpublic website.

6th Apr 2004, 14:36
Polite, huh ? Yeah, that usually drives them crazy !

As the goods are going through the checkout, I like to strike up a little friendly conversation: "hi, how are you today ? " . . . "I see you've been working pretty hard... " that sort of thing.

You can see the panic rising: "eek - a customer spoke to me ! What do I do now ? "

Best one was in the States - I plonked a few items on the counter and said to the girl "I'd like to buy these things please". She was so disturbed by this I thought she was going to call Security: "Help ! A nutter spoke to me !!! "

The thanks you get for trying to lighten someone's day :rolleyes:

6th Apr 2004, 14:49
originally posted by ratsarrse
The management thought they were gods with walkie talkies - self-important ******s.

Reading that reminded me of a few weekends back. I was in Tescos picking up some beer for the Saturday night festivities, as I walked through the fruit and vege section a 'self important *****' complete with walkie talkie was speaking to someone else on the other end ( funnilly enough :rolleyes: ) and I quote 'No root vege, no root vege !' The look of panic on his young face was priceless as his career came tumbling down in tatters beside him and all because there were no carrots on the shopfloor. :8

Send Clowns
6th Apr 2004, 15:02

You should come to Sainsbury's in Ferndown. They have staff who'll talk, and some are good fun. One antipodean who is cynical as anything is really amusing, but if she has a problem scanning something cheap, presses the bell for a manager and no-one comes quickly she just gives you the item. Even better are the friendly staff in the greengrocer in Ringwood.

6th Apr 2004, 15:22
Speaking of walkie-talkies, why do the staff in Clarks shoe shops need them? You can communicate from one end of the shop to the other by a) walking a few yards or b) shouting. They just are not needed!!

6th Apr 2004, 21:16
Whilst working on a refit as a summer job.

Set off the fire alarms after forgetting to disable one of the smoke detectors before staring to braize piping. WAtch as people sprint accross the car park with full trolleys - they can't stop you leaving when the fire alarm is going and the good people of Pitsea knew it!

Wonder where you are going to get tea when the electricity suppliers mis understand the sparkies and cut off the power - then stare in disbelief as people are asked to guess at the value of the shopping in thier trolleys.

Try not to laugh when shop management tell you all two fellow contractors are banned from all stores due to security policy violations - security had been too busy to let them out, for a whole hour so they used an oxy-acetylene torch to remove a lock keeping them in the loading bay.

Standard Noise
7th Apr 2004, 02:47
If it's busy, I wander round with the trolley talking/muttering to myself. The wife hates it , but it seems to work as the locals tend to give "the mad muttering Ulsterman" a wide berth. Somerset people are so understanding of ones mental frailties.
Voila, clear passage round the store!

Mind you, if I'm doing the shopping solo, I find it helps to look simple at the checkout, then the staff take pity and pack the groceries for me.:ok:

eal401 - I know what you mean about Clarks. Their store in Bath (if you could call it a store, it's more of a broom cupboard) is tiny, but they have radios. But strangely, when we went to their factory outlet at Street in Somerset, which is about the size of an average Tesco, no personal radios for the staff. Confused me that one did.

Boss Raptor
7th Apr 2004, 07:35
Send Clowns - even better are the 'saturday Girls' at Tescos near me - if you talk to then nicely they even let u use their staff discount card (only prob is you (my mum) doesnt get the points), do your shopping, raid the 'staff only reduced trolley', fill up my pen draw with biros, markers and pencils and dent tins of beer to order :E

Haven't found a practical way to 'dent' damage a bottle of wine yet :cool:

8th Apr 2004, 12:35
Damn! You just did!

I just love it when a plan comes together ;)

Actually personinblack, I did get dragged along to see the Stranglers on their recent tour along with another pruner.

I have to admit they were pretty good, if somewhat less seedy in their Cornwall less guise. A lmost a boy band in fact !!

2 sheds
8th Apr 2004, 14:46
Isn't it "TESCO" ?

surely not
8th Apr 2004, 16:48
When I told my daughter about this thread (cos she works part time 2 days a week for them) she could only come up with 1 thing to do.............Quit :D

She reckons old people are the worst cos they never listen to what is being said to them, and don't seem to have come to terms with the fact that the assistant can't just run back and get something they've forgotten!

The discount card is a wonderful thing though!!

8th Apr 2004, 20:36
B*tch about their 'Accounts Department' in the storeroom to one of the managers :rolleyes: :ok:

Coco :{

9th Apr 2004, 08:48
Well, one could always marvel at the wonderful educated accents of the majority of their customers

'in' it!!

9th Apr 2004, 10:58
Used to work in Business travel but was made redundent now working for Tesco and have found it a breath of fresh air, no stress and 98% of customers are very pleasant and far out weigh the bad ones and no real gripes about the managers really
Get to meet a lot of staff from Manchester airport and it`s operators and the odd famous person as well.
Was thinking of going for a job at airport but wages not as good and lots of night shifts so don`t think i`ll bother

Golf India Bravo