View Full Version : The Wanderer Returns...

Tricky Woo
24th Sep 2001, 20:01
(The scene opens on the interior of a bell-shaped tent somewhere in Antarctica. Captain's Scott and Oates lie in their sleeping bags. A dour Scotsman sits sulking in the corner, totally ignored).

Scott(Writing): The blizzard still rages, someone please protect our people... jolly good show by Nansen... scribble-scribble-scribble.

Oates: Rather cold, old chap.

Scott: Oh rather.

Oates: Fancy another salt biscuit?

Scott: Don't mind if I do, Oates.

(Sounds of munching)

Oates: I say, Scott, but aren't we being terribly, terribly brave about all this?

Scott: About what?

Oates: Well, one hesitates to even mention it, being British and all that, but aren't we in a bit of a fix?

Scott(looks at the flapping fabric of the tent and the instantly frozen vapour of his breath): A fix, Oates?

Oates: What with the endless blizzards, lack of food, lack of fuel, lack of melted water...

Scott: Oh that.

Oates: ...no hope of rescue until the spring.

Scott: Hmm, I see. When one puts it like that, it does seem to be a rather sticky situation.

Oates: Still, Scott, I believe that this is an ideal situation to demonstrate the British sang froid that foreign chaps like Nansen would never understand.

Scott: Quite so, Oates.


Oates: Er, Scott, about that miserable Scots chap there in the corner.

Scott: Who?

Oates: Him, there...

Scott: Oh, that dour Scotsman. I have to say that I did think it rather odd when he wandered in here in the middle of a blizzard. I nearly raised my left eyebrow in surprise. What's the chap doing here?

Oates: Seems a trifle forward to ask him, what with no formal introductions.

Scott: Well, this isn't a time for formalities.

Oates: Excuse me, old chap, but we rather wondered what you're doing here?

Tartan Gannet: What am I doing here? Cutting my nose off to spite my face, of course. B*stards, the lot of 'em! I told those b*stards at PPRuNe what I thought of 'em. Bloody b*stards. So, they think they can beat me in an argument, do they? Don't they know that I'm Tartan Gannet! I've got over 1,000 posts, so they'd better sit up. Oh yes. Hug Monster? B*stard! Unwell Raptor? B*stard. Well, I showed 'em, I said to 'em "I'm going out into the cold for a while" and then left. Oh yes. And NEVER to return. Oh no. My capacity for sulking is boundless. That'll teach 'em. And I'll try to make the rest of 'em guilty by ignoring their pleas for me to return. Oh yes. Then they'll be sorry. I'll never go back there. NEVER!

Scott: Chuck him out, Oates.

Oates: Righteo, Scott.

24th Sep 2001, 20:35
ROFLMGDAO!!!!! :D :D :D :D

25th Sep 2001, 01:07

Funniest bloody thing I have read in weeks.

You should make a living out of it. :D

Tartan Gannet
25th Sep 2001, 01:30
Dear! oh Dear Stinky Poo! I missed you off of my hate list. Well worry ye not my kitten bating enemy. I offer you the same maledictions as the other two.

I had hoped that, given the serious times we live in at present that the retards would have gone back to their special school, seems I was wrong in regard to this one!

Go copy Oedepus and give me a laugh!

:mad: :mad: :mad:

25th Sep 2001, 04:40
You see, Tricky, the essential part that you missed from your plan was the fact that TG has absolutely no sense of humour whatsoever...

He can't handle humour. If it appeals to anyone who has one, he throws a tantrum because we're not taking him seriously.

Any opinions that differ from his own he labels "Liberal do-gooder doodoo".

Anything that quotes a reason, or history, or some authoritative source that gives a rationale to an opinion that differs from his own he calls "Liberal intelligentsia".

And anyone who backs his arguments into a corner from which he can't escape ends up on his (s)hit list. Just as well draper is safely snug and warm in the Big Place - can you imagine the carnage if he were to be allied with TG?

TG, can I interest you in a little exercise? You look like you could do with it... Just attach these two mole wrenches first... :D

Takan Inchovit
25th Sep 2001, 13:18
Jeez Mr Woo, now I see why you have an affinity for the "fish" icon.
Hook, line and sinker! :eek:

25th Sep 2001, 13:43
Satirical writing at it's very best Tricky. Many thanks.
When did TG return?? It wasn't really with a fanfare was it. Or have I missed something here?

Tricky Woo
25th Sep 2001, 14:46
(Scene opens onto an endless vista of desert. The white, bleached skull of some unfortunate soldier is the only relief from the relentless browns, yellows and reds of sky, earth and sun. Up on the ramparts of an outpost, deep in the sands of the Sahara, two sun-burnt French Foreign Legionaires gaze with pitiless eyes at the horizon. Oh yeah, it's also f**king hot...)

Beau Geste: C'est chaud, n'est-ce pas?

Legionaire: Oui.

Beau Geste: Toujours c'est trop chaud.

Legionaire: Mais, les nuits, c'est trop froid aussi.

Beau Geste: Oui c'est vrai. Les jours sont trop chaud et les nuits sont trop froid. Mais nous sommes les braves legionaires! Nous sommes fort, et nous sommes victorieux!

Legionaire (Mumbles): Nous avons soif et nous avons faim.

Beau Geste: Mais, mon ami, peut-être nous pouvons parler en anglais pour un peu?

Legionaire: Pourquoi?

Beau Geste: Les anglais n'comprends pas français... Ils parlent seulement anglais. Ils ont beaucoup des ecoles, mais leurs professeurs et pas bien.

Legionaire: Vrai?

Beau Geste: Oui, c'est vrai.

Legionaire: Mais oui, we will be practicing our Eenglish now. Zose stupeed English need to be learning a few languages ozer zan zeir own. Stupid, lazy English peegs.

(Time passes)

Beau Geste: Voyez! La! Zere is someone approaching!

Legionaire: Mon dieu, but you are 'aving such amazing eye-sight. I do not know how you are doing it.

Beau Geste: And I can see also zat he is a dour, miserable Scotsman with no sense of the humour.

Legionaire: But 'ow are you knowing zat?

Beau Geste: He is wearing a duffel coat in the desert.

Legionaire: Mon dieu! But zat is a crime against fashion. He must be stopped!

Beau Geste: I will fire a warning shot.


Legionaire: An amazing shot. You are truly the greatest ever legionaire. You shot the left toggle off his ugly British coat!

Beau Geste: This place might be the hell on the earth, but that is no reason to be wearing such horrible clothzes. Even ze arabs are wearing ze nice robes.

Legionaire: It worked. He is walking away from us now.

(Camera zooms in on the miserable Soct)

Tartan Gannet: B*stards, b*stards, b*stards. I'll never go back to Jet Blast. I won't. Never! There must be somewhere I can go. That Tricky Woo is the biggest b*stard of them all. If he thinks that he can ever join the Masons now, he's got another think coming.

(Cut back to the Legionaires)

Beau Geste: I have always thought that these legionaire hats look really cool.

Legionaire: Oui. Zat is why I joined the French Foreign Legion.

(Cue epic music as TG walks towards the setting sun)

25th Sep 2001, 15:58
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away........................................................ ..............................

Next.... :)

Don D Cake
25th Sep 2001, 16:41
Top stuff!!!!

25th Sep 2001, 16:55
And there I was thinking I could use a little gentle irony...

Tricky, amazing! And TG, alas, you have no comeback. Your frequently stated position of certainty in the face of pseudo-intellectuals is now looking rather hollow.

My initial reaction to seeing you back was one of pleasure. Your opinions had been welcomed as those of a thinking contributor, though your aggressive and ultra-defensive attitude was a little strange. But I confess your sniping personal attacks didn't bode well for an ongoing dialogue, and it's gone downhill since then.

TG, I don't have a tertiary education either, but I don't think anybody holds it against me. There is no JB prize at the end of the day, and the only opinions I reject are from those incapable of independent thought. Your personal attack on other JB posters, intelligent humans all, discredits you.

It seems to me that unless you can re-enter JB accepting the possibility that there are valid opinions that may differ from yours, then you may find yourself lacking the leeway previously given to you.

In short, you don't have the personal brownie points necessary to come back using the scattergun approach. Have a think about it.

25th Sep 2001, 23:27
Too harsh men, too harsh.

Tartan is whatever you or I make of him, but he is original, straightforward, and honest. I am something of a connoisseur of his world views, and there is next to no malice in there,much as I might differ from it.

No: welcome back, you old Scots/Ulster curmudgeon! JB is a broad church with room for everyone. Post away, continue your struggle against the namby pamby pinko...well you know the rest.

Stick to your principles. It was dull while you were away.

PS That's as nice as I intend to get. Effective 2100Z the gloves come back off.


Mac the Knife
26th Sep 2001, 00:09
Indecently brilliant Tricky (and very funny)! And a big amen to you U_R

TGs stalwartly honest vituperations as he battles to come to terms with a confused and confusing world are an education in themself(selves?).

26th Sep 2001, 03:23
Come in! Come in! Tartan. It's graun' tae see ye. Here's ma haun'. Ye're lookin' well.

Just ignore those silly boys. Be a brave wee sodger. We intellectual sophists will always welcome you as one of our own.

Bio Warrior
26th Sep 2001, 09:38
TW I luv your writing, I can always count on you and Mr Draper to make me smile when I get home from work.

Mr TG I have one question

"Well worry ye not my kitten bating enemy."

Tricky doesn't bate me, :eek: occasionally tickels me behind the ear and cuddles me but doesn't bate me :p
facts ought to be kept in view when name calling


Tricky Woo
26th Sep 2001, 16:02
(Scene opens on the interior of an U-boat, silent running, 1943...)

Schlep: For how much more time must ve lie here like der ratz in der sewer, Kapitan?

Kapitan: Ve must stay here until der Britisher destroyer gives up der search for uz.

(Sound of distant depth-charge explosions).

Schlep: But Kapitan, it haz been two dayz now, und der boyz are getting restless.

Kapitan: Ve must remain unter der vater at 200 meters or ve vill die.

(Sound of destroyer as it approaches, and then recedes).

Schlep: Maybe ve can sneak avay from here, Kapitan? Zen ve can surface and recharge our batteries?

Kapitan: Ve must not start our engines because ve vill make too much noise. Ve must be patient and not make a zound.

Schlep: Ja, Mein Kapitan, I suppoze... VHAT IST DAS?

(The conning tower door opens briefly, releasing a torrent of sea water, a couple of flapping fish, plus a dour, miserable Scotsman. The hatch is slammed shut again).

Schlep: Gasp!

Kapitan: Huh?

Schlep(nervously): Kapitan? Vhat ist he vanting?


Tartan Gannet: Those b*stards, always taking the mickey out of me, but I'll never go back now, oh no. No matter how much Unwell Raptor and Davaar try to soothe my ego. B*stards, all of 'em.

Schlep: Vhere ist he going?

(Both Germans watch aghast as TG walks through the submarine, opens the door to the torpedo tube, sets the timer, then climbs in and shuts the door).

Kapitan: (speechless)

Schlep: (speechless)

Tartan Gannet(muffled): Yes, that'll teach 'em, they'll never hear from me again. Oh no.

(Sound of WHOOSH as the torpedo tube fires).

Kapitan: Vell, now I haf seen everyzink.

Schlep: Ja, how do you vant your fish cooked?

26th Sep 2001, 17:16
Well, it would appear I am outnumbered. The olive branch is being extended, albeit with some irony, by TG's major adversaries, and who am I to argue?

Me, I prefer my discussion to be without personal abuse and I find abhorrent the idea of rejecting the possibility of friendship with somebody because their opinions differ from mine, unless it is of such an unshakeable and massive difference of basic philosophy as to make discussion pointless.

The upshot, TG, is that your opinions are, as I myself expressed, valued here, the difference being that others are more prepared to forgive your boorishness.

As somebody always willing to accept the wishes of the majority, I now humbly bow out of the argument and you will hear nothing further from me addressed directly to you. I'm sure you will eventually recover from this shattering blow.

Carry on, gentlemen..... :rolleyes:

27th Sep 2001, 05:29
But, Binoculars, this doesn't mean you've gone forever?

27th Sep 2001, 12:46
I've been in lots of bars where there are odd people, but I've never thought of giving up drinking. ;)

Tricky Woo
26th Dec 2001, 16:03
I love cats.

Couldn't eat one every day, though.

tony draper
26th Dec 2001, 16:41
Its years since Draper has had bubble n squeek.

Had some this morning,hmmm, great with bacon n egg. <img src="wink.gif" border="0">

Ps, Watch that Mr Woo, Draper does not trust folks who can write foreign.
It strikes Draper as pandering to Johnny foreigner going to all that trouble by learning that gibberish they speak.
Englishmen have made themselves understood all over our Empire, just by shouting at the natives,
Its bad form don't you know. <img src="wink.gif" border="0">
<img src="wink.gif" border="0">

[ 26 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]</p>

26th Dec 2001, 21:07
Damn good stuff Trick, I'd hate to be on the receiving end myself ... :)

TG, laugh a little, you will live longer. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

27th Dec 2001, 05:18
Darling Trickster, as ever your brilliance needs no illumination.

Do not judge TG so harshly Binos hon, things are not always what they seem and it is after all the Season of goodwill to all men. Chaps - as my GranMere was wont to say 'Be careful when you pull my leg, for it may come off in your hands'.

[ 27 December 2001: Message edited by: Velvet ]</p>