PDA

View Full Version : A Plea to Old People!


obnoxio f*ckwit
24th Sep 2001, 03:16
I have a question for old retired couples:

Why do you shop at the weekend? You have all week to shuffle round Tescos dithering over which brand of cat food to buy for Tiddles. I, on the other hand, only get the weekend to do all of the shopping etc etc. and it is really starting to pi55 me off when I get stuck behind another set of old crumblies who can barely stand up tutting over the price of haemorrhoid cream or hairnets.

So my plea to old people is:

SHOP IN THE F*CKING WEEK!!!!!

BuzzLightyear
24th Sep 2001, 04:23
I too have a question.

Why do you find it necessary to block the roads up every Sunday? Driving around with your noses pressed up against the windscreen, peering blindly over the steering wheel, probably only managing to get back home after last weeks drive. In fact it is just not Sundays but every bloody day of the week!

My plea is

STAY OFF THE ROADS!!!!!

You could always make obnoxia and me happy men if you followed that nice old dear's example in the ads, and availed yourselves of Tesco's very good "shop from the comfort of your own home" service. You know it makes sense!

catswhisker
24th Sep 2001, 04:31
We move slowly in supermarkets and in cars because you juvey delinquents move just that bit too fast for throw-away rounds on our WI Sale kalashnikov telescopic sights...

Bob Hawke
24th Sep 2001, 05:08
Your name says it all, you tosser. Leave the oldies alone. You'd be good taliban candidate.

greybeard
24th Sep 2001, 05:14
We go slow so we can last until we have spent all our money so the rude B#@$% dont get any!!!!

:p

Vfrpilotpb
24th Sep 2001, 12:29
You will all be there sooner or later ! its just a matter of Time, why rush it when your near the exit portal who wants to be first!! :eek:

Slasher
24th Sep 2001, 12:47
I walk around slow in shops so all you young late-teen chicks will accidentley bump into my groin and notice that I have a big dick.

PS Im over 40 so I do qualify as an old c**t. :D

pulse1
24th Sep 2001, 13:27
Well I'm old and I get fed up with young upstarts in their ******** GTi;s getting in the way of my Impreza Turbo. Cars should only be allowed in the outside lane when the power output (bhp) and age of driver (years) exceed 280 when added together.

P.S. I never go into supermarkets. :cool:

golden_hands
24th Sep 2001, 14:15
Hey pulse1 I see you bought an Impreza with only 200 bhp. :D

I agree with you those GTi's s*ck, they're much too slow. I guess they are already practicing for when they are 70+ :rolleyes:

PS my pulse1 score is 309

mad-andy
24th Sep 2001, 22:54
Ok Old people a couple of questions.
1, Why don`t you let the car stop before trying to get out?.
2,What age exactly is it you get to when you forget how to park and have to be assisted,then run over the old person helping you?.
3,How many accidents on average do you think you cause in a week,whilst driving off wondering why everyone is shouting at you?.
4,Why do you all lie about your eye sight on the form you get when you are 70,or the person who has to read and fill it in for you?.
5,Why when you get forms to fill in at the post office you have to do it at 9.00am when people are trying to buy a stamp or tax their cars on the way to work?.
6,Why do you moan about young peoples manners, then just walk to the front of a line totally un-aware of anyone else?.
7,What is it with the large hat and gloves when driving?.
8,Finally,Where do you get them trousers that go up to the bottom of your rib-cage?.

obnoxio f*ckwit
25th Sep 2001, 01:23
******, only make 277 on my pulse1 score!

Back to the middle lane for me then, only to find it inhabited by some other f*ckwit (usually a fat woman with crap specs in a Micra) who has a congenital inability to do anything other than stare straight ahead and pretend there's no-one else around.

I therefore have another plea:

F*CK OFF INTO THE SLOW LANE AND LEAVE THE OTHER LANES FREE FOR THOSE WHO HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO DRIVE AT MORE THAN 55 MPH!!!!

Sorry for shouting!

BuzzLightyear
25th Sep 2001, 03:52
At least you have three lane motorways, you can always get past somehow! All we have got is twisty A roads, try getting stuck behind some old duffer in hat, gloves and milk bottle bottom glasses towing a caravan! Purgatory!!!

Slasher, like your style! Maybe you don't qualify as an oldster yet, cos if you can get that close, you obviously don't suffer from "eau de O.A.P." or stale urine as it is more commonly known. :D :D :D

[ 24 September 2001: Message edited by: BuzzLightyear ]

Paterbrat
25th Sep 2001, 05:29
Ah sweet youths, if only you knew what pleasure it gives to watch the youngsters all rushing round at 300mph with their nuts in a twist, trying to get to where their going before they even start.
As I pottered gently back from the airport tonight peering through my milk bottle ends, I was passed on the road by such a lad. The young speed freak sped past and as he did so lost it, hit a kerb bounced across it, leapt about 7 feet up and thirty feet along, off the road through a ditch and onto another kerb.
Having ascertained that he had got out and was examining a very sad car, I did not stop to enquire if he was alright, a kind policeman was already doing that.
I have to say that I was impressed with his Dukes of Hazzard type antics, can't say that I particularly want to try them out though, bit tough on the old Morris 1000, though it is a sturdy enough motor.
Now let's see, yes, I'm out of milk and Tiddles will need some in the morning, wonder what will be going on at the supermarket?

Kermit 180
25th Sep 2001, 05:56
obnoxio f*ckwit. That you are. I reckon youre already old, you just havent realised it yet. After all, you did say that oldies moan about the most trivial of things. So how are the grey power meetings obnoxio f*ckwit? :D

pulse1
25th Sep 2001, 12:02
BuzzLightyear,

Now don't get me going on the subject of caravans. I think that the ANO which stops us dropping things out of aeroplanes should be amended to allow us to drop heavy (exploding?)objects on caravans (and while we are at it, jet skis). Think what productive fun that would be. At the very least it would ensure that they only travelled at night - well, until I can afford some NVG's. It would also give many more pilots a purpose in in their flying and do a lot to sustain the GA industry.

Incidentally, the best value vehicle for getting past caravans, especially on Scotland's biways, is an Impreza Turbo. :cool:

Edited because my bottle glasses were dirty

[ 25 September 2001: Message edited by: pulse1 ]

Token Bird
25th Sep 2001, 12:40
I hate it when they pull out in front of you on roundabouts, so you have to brake, and they haven't even noticed you at all (give way to the right!)

They have this tendency to go right up to the end of a sliproad then just drift out onto the road having not signalled or even looked over their shoulder once. They signal right when they mean left and vice-versa.

In supermarkets, they suddenly stop at the end of the aisle blocking the aisle exit with themself and trolley, while trying to decide which way to go next. Likewise, they don't walk off when they get to the top/bottom of an escalator, they just stop and you get propelled into the back of them.

Slightly off topic, but I also hate it when I see entire families of 2 adults and 2/3 children in the supermarket. You can't get past them. Couldn't one parent stay home with the kids while the other shops alone? Or is shopping as a group the highlight of their week?

HugMonster
25th Sep 2001, 14:19
Or else, on a sliproad, instead of accelerating to the speed of the traffic they're merging with, they STOP and look right. They then don't have a cat's chance in an ethnic restaurant of getting out until the end of the rush-hour... and you're behind them!

Paterbrat
25th Sep 2001, 18:33
I must say, the young today are terribly enthusiastic and energetic if a little unco-ordinated. While I was trying to select which of the new cat foods to get for Tiddles, a rather frenetic young chap attempted to squeeze his trolley past and dislodged one of the piles of cat litter. A bag, unfortunately, one of the heavier clay variety toppled onto his packet of eggs. Apparently the last ones in the supermarket as it was quite late, and the early morning deliveries had not come in.
He seemed most perturbed, seems that he had been to two shops already looking for them was getting late for a flight, and had particularly wanted his breakfast first. Obviously goes to work on an egg, very healthy too. Seeing as he was a fellow aviator I remarked in passing, how good the Sheba DeLuxe Pampered Pet's Crab and Lobster Melange looked and how it was a difficult call between that and the Tuna Caviar Roe for the younger cat, but he was busy muttering about Euranasia or something like that, probably the airline company he works for.
In all likelehood a long haul chappie, very rosy complexion, you know sitting on a Beach in Bali or Phat Phong all the time. Muttered all the way to the checkout, too obviously preparing himself for the flight and reciting nmonics, although I didn't recall any like OLDFART or BUSTHISCHOPS. Ours were PAT and APT and BUMF and suchlike though I daresay it's all a bit more complex for them now. Though the kind folk down at Boeing do try to lighten the load with the BLT which does it all for us now.

obnoxio f*ckwit
25th Sep 2001, 20:43
Now that the subject of indicating has been brought up:

Do you know what the little orange flashing lights on the side of the car are for? You know the ones, they sit by the headlights that you flash at me if I am going the other way and have the temerity to overtake one of your aged brothers (usually doing 28mph on a wide open 60mph road in their 6 litre Jag while wearing a hat) while within a 3 mile radius of you? You have them on the back too, by the fog lights that you seem unable to resist putting on the moment the visibility comes below a million miles.

I AM NOT A MIND READER, F*CKING INDICATE!!!

Paterbrat
26th Sep 2001, 13:29
Yes, yes, I did see them the other night,you know when that young chappie had his unfortunate loss of control. I distinctly saw them come on after he had come to a stop balanced on the kerb. Poor thing, his nice sports car must have suffered a terrible scrape on it's bottom, they are so low slung these days. Most amazing shower of sparks there were as he went flying off the road. Jolly lucky to have escaped unscathed. I daresay he will slow down a bit now.

PilotsPal
26th Sep 2001, 13:44
Here in London old people are known as Twirlies. They clutter up bus stops and Underground stations at 8.45am, waving their OAP passes and asking the ticket staff Am I too early? when they know full well they can't use them before 9.30.

And why do they insist of travelling home in the middle of the evening rush hour and then complain loudly when no one wants to give up a hard won seat.

Tricky Woo
26th Sep 2001, 14:43
This seems a bit of a cruel and vindictive thread. Why don't you lot leave old people alone, so they can smell of wee in peace.

Yes, it's true, they do smell of wee.

TW

Paterbrat
26th Sep 2001, 18:22
Well now the young driver was twirling his hands around his head now that you mention it, but I can't think that it would have been a bus pass. Mind you I think I probably would have been a bit agitated after such a bouncing as well. He was moving a bit strangely too, you know waddling sort of, only I doubt that it would have been wee he was smelling of, probably someething a tad more serious, I'm here to tell you that little escapade of his certainly would have scared the ... er, life out of me.

tony draper
26th Sep 2001, 19:56
One is begining to worry, one is begining to get the overwhelming urge to tell people ones age the instant one meets them. ;)

Paterbrat
1st Oct 2001, 23:27
Like the young girl who when the Dr put the stethescope against her chest asked for

"big breaths"

She proudly replied.

"Yeth I know, and I'm only thixteen."

Rollingthunder
2nd Oct 2001, 04:18
Bangs the GONG...

"You're not introducing a film you know."

A Rank film.

;)

Paterbrat
2nd Oct 2001, 23:06
Oh No!!! BONGED.. The shame.. the shame..

sharp'n'pointy
3rd Oct 2001, 02:31
It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who half change lanes then decide it’s appropriate to indicate. :mad:

Celtic Emerald
3rd Oct 2001, 14:45
My Gawd the obnoxious f...ing wit who started this thread is a real charmer if I've ever met one :eek: You psycho are something mate?

Emerald

HugMonster
3rd Oct 2001, 15:13
Is today's mission to be insulting to everyone, CE?

Celtic Emerald
4th Oct 2001, 14:38
Only men who wear flowery shirts Hugmonster :p

What's the defence for anyway You Obnoxious F..wit in disguise or something? :confused:

Can't think of a more adequate username to describe him anyway. He sounds like a total loser to me :mad:

Emerald

Lon More
6th Oct 2001, 02:08
"Obnoxious F..wit" formerly known as "**** fer Brains"

Paterbrat
6th Oct 2001, 04:51
Ah the toe twinkling peridot. Actualy you have gone straight to the nub. Yes the chap is indeed as his name suggests, we could not have summed it up better.

I. M. Esperto
6th Oct 2001, 21:54
I avoid going out on weekends as much as possible, and I'm a real old fart.

Too many weird looking obnoxious brats all over the place. They push, shove, swear, and in general cause us to stay home, watch football, golf matches, etc..

Sensible
7th Oct 2001, 03:24
OK so my score is only 230 but I can use all of my score on roundabouts and wet roads :D :D

God do I envy folks with a score of 300+ but at least my prostate is still in working condition :D

obnoxio f*ckwit
7th Oct 2001, 17:23
Oh woe is me! My life is over! I've been called a loser by someone who sounds like he should be a Crufts winner.

Dear Len More, " Fer Brains" was my maiden name. And its Mr F*ckwit to you!

Velvet
7th Oct 2001, 22:59
I think Huggy the term 'Moral Crusade' comes to mind; irony obviously does mean smoothing shirts in a certain part of Ireland.


Mr O'F'ckwit, never let it be said that you avoid confrontation, but you do bring a much needed chuckle ;)

Paterbrat
8th Oct 2001, 21:55
must confess I am still a bit puzzled by the obnoxio bit, noxio being??
Sound pretty nasty whatever, but then again that I suppose is the intention

obnoxio f*ckwit
8th Oct 2001, 22:02
Dear Mr Velvet,

Your kind words are a comfort to me. Actually I'm a librarian with a self-confidence problem, I just do obnoxious as a hobby (took a part time BA in Obnoxious Studies at Smeghead University (formerly Celtic Emerald Special Needs Primary School)).

I remain, Sir, your obedient servant,

obnoxio f*ckwit

Velvet
8th Oct 2001, 23:36
Oh how easily one strays into a morass of titular identifiers; especially when one is unsure of the gender. Irony loses its appeal when applied with a trowel, and is in danger of becoming facetious when used inappropriately.

The correct appellation Mr F*ckwit is Miss Velvet.

tony draper
8th Oct 2001, 23:45
oooh, can tony have him to play with Miss Velvet, please give him to me, please pleeeeesses.... ;)

Ole Flashy
9th Oct 2001, 02:19
Hey you pusseyed young twerps whose balls haven't even dropped yet!!!!!
Some of us old farts are still scorching around in 4000hp A26 Invaders on fire bombing missions in the Yukon and Alberta.
An old chum of mine completed his fiftieth year of aviation in the cockpit of an Invader.....I was there to see it.
I have a horny looking old lady and a nice car.
I root lots too.
I find it puzzling tho' when I look at some of the hairstyles of youth today...I've seen better hair on bacon.
I get a kick out of younger drivers who roar past me up to the stoplight and then jam on the brakes as I mosey up to them with a cool grin on my face.
More to follow..........

obnoxio f*ckwit
9th Oct 2001, 02:30
Dearest Miss Velvet

Please accept my most humble and grovelling apologies for the unforgivable slight with which I have slurred your prestigious and noble gender.

My mind was confused by the constant mental conflict of maintaining a quiet, studious demeanour in pursuance of my employment, while inside all my very being cries out to shout:

OI!! PEASANT!!! NO SLEEPING IN THE NON-FICTION SECTION!!! EITHER BORROW A BOOK, OR F*CK OFF!!!

I remain etc etc

obnoxio f*ckwit

tony draper
9th Oct 2001, 02:52
You got that right Mr Ole,young bloody snot noses.
Hey, you lot
We were in Bagdad when you were in Dadbag.

We were in Uniform when you were in Liquid form. ;)

Paterbrat
10th Oct 2001, 03:38
Well the education certainly wasn't wasted, young obnoxio obviously graduated with honors. His smegfilled head is obviously now bulging dangerously full of ideas just dying to burst forth and lay themselves like so many little blooms along our path. I guess we will just have to watch where we walk.

Lon More
10th Oct 2001, 23:02
Noxio, Cruffts? No much more of a cat person

Velvet
11th Oct 2001, 01:21
My dear Tony,

Do tell me that you still have the spare peg in the cellar. Have you been lonely my little pigeon; I agree Mr F*ckwit would be an ideal candidate for Tony's next playmate. How delicious. Shall I bring a chocolate iced cake for you and your friend.

Yours
Velvet