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Diablo
20th Jun 2001, 22:30
Example

Q. How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 201, One to hold the light bulb 200 to turn the aircraft.

You all know the score, there must be dozens about pilots, trolly dolly's atco's ect

Let battle commence...............

Blacksheep
21st Jun 2001, 04:50
Q. What's black and smoking and hangs from the ceiling?

A. An Irish electrician...

(Sorry Paddy, he was from Kerry actually...)

**********************************
Through difficulties to the cinema

Blacksheep
21st Jun 2001, 05:17
Q. How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three.

One to screw it in, one to read out the checklist and one to whinge about having to do it themselves...

**********************************
Through difficulties to the cinema

Bio Warrior
21st Jun 2001, 06:42
Q Why did the blonde eat the light bulb?

A Cos she only wanted a light meal...



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Belief is nine tenths of understanding

Teenyweeny ATC Cdt Cpl
21st Jun 2001, 12:38
How may Pilots (II) does it take to change a lightbulb?

One: he holds it and the world revolves around him! :) :)
-tacc

pjdj777
21st Jun 2001, 12:59
How many Ronchonners does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but he'll tell you how much better it is to do it in the USA!!

Tristar Freak
21st Jun 2001, 13:25
How many BA pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
3. One to screw it in, one to cross check and one to tell stories of how it was much more difficult when they flew the Trident.

Feeton Terrafirma
21st Jun 2001, 13:33
How many Captains does it take to change a light globe?

Only one to direct the FO to do it!!

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I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

elandel
21st Jun 2001, 15:17
How many Manchester United supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three - One to change it and the other two to drive up from Kent.

Why does it take three menopausal women tochange a lightbulb?

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

capt_kangeroo
21st Jun 2001, 15:39
How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two

One to mix the G&T's while the other calls the electrician.

Pseudonymn
21st Jun 2001, 15:48
How many Accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?
What number did you have in mind?

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just use the time to sneak onto the couch

How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb?
They have staff for that!

How many fashion designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it must be changed every season, Darhlings

How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?
No-one knows. As soon as the light goes on they scatter!


That will do for now...
:) :) ;)

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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Dr. Red
21st Jun 2001, 16:07
How many lesbians did it take to screw in the lightbulb?

Three. One to screw it in and the other two to talk about how much better it is than a man.

*********

How many policemen did it take to screw in the lightbulb?

None, it turned itself in.

Pseudonymn
21st Jun 2001, 16:19
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change



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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

VTOL
21st Jun 2001, 16:37
How may dogs does it take to change a light bulb ??

That depends on the dog . . .

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Labrador Retriever: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeze let me change the lightbulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there . . .

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the lightbulbs in a little circle .

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?

Westie: Dogs do not change lightbulbs. People change lightbulbs. I am not one of THEM, so the question is, how long will it be before I can expect my light?

Hound Dog: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

:)

Flap Sup
21st Jun 2001, 16:50
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb??

How many can you afford??

rgds FS

Iceolareanic
21st Jun 2001, 19:58
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

Yogi-Bear
21st Jun 2001, 20:14
How many witches.......?

It depends on what you want it changed into. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

[This message has been edited by Yogi-Bear (edited 21 June 2001).]

gravity victim
21st Jun 2001, 20:22
How many Californians?
100.
One to change the bulb and 99 to relate to the experience :)

Grainger
21st Jun 2001, 23:01
What's the difference between a girl and a lightbulb ?


Yes.... you can unscrew the light bulb :)

EGAC
22nd Jun 2001, 00:29
How many Country & Western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three - one to change the bulb and two to write a song about how good the old bulb used to be.


How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish. :)

Pilot's sex kitten
22nd Jun 2001, 13:49
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

I takes one to change it, but it takes three to decide whether it really needs changing or not.

pax domina
22nd Jun 2001, 13:58
How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Eight, you got a problem with that buddy??!!!!!

(As told to me by our teamster UPS "service provider! :) )

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pax d - narcissistic, short-sighted, ill-bred moron

Velvet
22nd Jun 2001, 17:15
How many Microsoft software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. They don't., they think there's enough light shining out of his Bill Gates’ ass already

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
At least one committee and a light bulb strategy focus meeting and plan.

How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"


and my favourite

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he canna see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.



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How do you explain to a caterpillar that it can become a butterfly, and will, regardless of its current belief system.

Squawk 8888
22nd Jun 2001, 20:14
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. And it isn't funny!

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Per dementia ad astra

Grainger
22nd Jun 2001, 21:15
How many Ppruners does it take to change a lightbulb?


Just one to change it - then another hundred to turn the incident into a discussion of religion, politics and what's wrong with today's society :) ;)

Fast Jet Wannabe
23rd Jun 2001, 01:16
The oldest ones are still the best...

Q) How many WOMEN does it take to change a light bulb?

A) None. They just sit in the dark and moan!

FJW.

Velvet
23rd Jun 2001, 02:09
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb

None of course

If you ask nicely there's usually a big, strong man to do it for you :)


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Mad Pax
23rd Jun 2001, 02:36
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's because you weren't [email protected]' there, man!

Chocksaway!
23rd Jun 2001, 02:53
How many hairdressers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three - one to change the lightbulb, and two to stand around and say "Lovely"

Rollingthunder
23rd Jun 2001, 04:11
How many Railtrack Execs does it take to change a light bulb?

Does it really need changing? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Can you not see it? Let me talk to my other sit on their bums, do nothing, ineffectual,incompetant,collegues.

Let us know after the next accident.
Is my departure cheque ready yet? Yes the one for more than your average rail commuter will earn in a lifetime.

Edited to apologise for a serious post on JB and sincere condolances to all victims, past, and future.

[This message has been edited by Rollingthunder (edited 23 June 2001).]

Low_and_Slow
23rd Jun 2001, 04:35
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">How many Californians</font>

Well actually,

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Silly silly--Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">How many Microsoft software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? </font>

None, that's a hardware problem: they only do software

Feeton Terrafirma
23rd Jun 2001, 10:04
Q: How many Aussie Oca's does it take to change the kitchen light bulb?

A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark


Q: How many miggets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just two, but how do they get in the bulb?


Q: How many working mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 0.25 - She's cooking tea, ironing and doing the kids home work at the same time


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I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Flyswift
23rd Jun 2001, 18:01
How many Mafia Men does it take to change a light bulb ?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to shoot any witnesses !

############################################

How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None. "And that's magic !"

Red_Devil
23rd Jun 2001, 19:34
How may Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

100

One to change it and the other 99 to share the experience.

rainbow
24th Jun 2001, 21:14
How many brain-dead bible fundamentalists
does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They all just hang around waiting for someone to say .."Let there be light!"

Blacksheep
25th Jun 2001, 08:57
Q. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Electricians don't change light bulbs. What we do is replace ruptured filament lamps.

**********************************
Through difficulties to the cinema

SRR99
25th Jun 2001, 14:27
How many Microsoft software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None....They just define darkness as the new industry standard.

Windy Militant
25th Jun 2001, 16:38
How may Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

None! Well with all the power cuts they're having there's no point changing it.

Skycop
25th Jun 2001, 21:40
How many Aussies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one - provided someone is available to point out that the glass end does NOT go in first.

SC

Diablo
26th Jun 2001, 21:45
Q. How many AIR2000 hosties does it take to screw in a new lightbulb?

A. None, they're all too busy screwing in the new first officers.

DX Wombat
27th Jun 2001, 02:01
Time: today Location: local hospital grounds
Number involved: 4 - one actually changing the bulb, one with a token finger on the ladder ( the bulb-changer was at the topof this) and two admiring the view and offering constructive criticism. :) :) :)
This is perfectly true.

con-pilot
27th Jun 2001, 02:30
How to change a light bulb if you are an employee of the United States Government.

I walked into my office one morning, sat down at my desk and attempted to switch on the reading lamp on my desk. Nothing happened. "Ah ha," I say to myself "bulb is burned out." So I leave my office and go down the hall to where the Flight Operations secretary is located. Following is semi-accurate account of what occurred.

"Brenda, who do I see about changing a light bulb in my office?" I ask wittily, with a big smile on my face. She was very pretty with a great figure. She was sent home once because she was showing too much cleavage. We pilots didn't care, we figured it was some of the ugly women in the office that were jealous.

"Go see building maintenance." She replies and starts giggling.

"OK" I reply, leave to find where building maintenance is located. Trying to figure out what Brenda thinks is funny, check zipper. Nope, not that.

After a two hour search I find building maintenance in the basement of hangar. Hell, didn't even know we had a basement. Sign on door says "Knock on door before entering." So I knock, nothing happens, knock again, nothing happens. I try the door, door locked. Ok I figure, they must be out doing whatever building maintenance people do. I turn around to leave and I hear the door opening.

"Whatdya want?" I hear a voice ask. So I turn back around to see if I can find a face to go with the voice. I find the face under a very dirty baseball cap staring at me very suspiciously through small beady eyes.

"Hi there," I say with my best smile, "I'm (Name), one of the pilots from the third floor and I need a light bulb for my reading lamp on my desk."

"What for?" he snarls back with a menacing look on his face.

"Huh, the bulb is out and I would like to replace it, please." I figured the please couldn't hurt, still have big smile on my face.

"Well ya can't put in yourself."

"Ok, huh, why not, I change them at home all the time." My smile not so big now.

"Union."

"Union?" Smile replaced by puzzled look.

"Union." He replies again.

"Union you say?" Well two can play at this game.

"Union rules." Now he closes his mouth very tightly.

"Union rules you say?" I guess the game is still going on, trying very hard to keep a smile on my face.

"Yup, Union rules." He snarls back.

Ok, at this point I figure somebody has got to give in and I figure it might as well be me. "Ok, can you please explain to me the rules?"

"Only members of the union can do any type maintenance on this here building." He pauses. "That includes the removal and or replacing on any light fixture or part of any lighting fixture in this here building, including light bulbs."

"OK." I reply brightly, glad to get that over. "I am here to inform you that the light bulb in my reading lamp on my desk is burned out and am respectfully requesting that you replace it, please."

"Can't do it." He replies.

"Why not?" Seemed like a fair question.

"Not my job, ya gotta wait for Harry."

"Ok," I sigh "Where is Harry?"

"He ain't here."

"Ok, when will Harry be here?" Getting disparate now.

"Don't know."

"Where is Harry?" Seemed like another good question.

"Bathroom."

"Fine, I'll just wait then. If that is ok with you?" I start to move toward the door.

"Hey, ya can't wait in here." He says and starts to close the door. "Union"

"Rules." I finish for him.

"Hard hat area, ya ain't got one."

Pointing out that I didn't think that baseball caps qualified as hard hats did not seem to be a very good idea at this stage of our negotiations. I mean we were getting along so well. So I lean against the wall in the hallway to wait for Harry, can't be that long. My newfound friend glares at me for a few seconds then slams and locks the door.

About an hour latter I see this tall incredibly skinny guy slowly walking down the hall towards me. As he gets closer I can see a nametag on his shirt that says 'Harry". Under the mandatory baseball cap I see that he has a very serious twitch around his right eye.

"Hi there Harry, I'm (Name) from the third floor and I need a light bulb changed." Big bright smile, put my hand out to shake hands.

"One of them pilots ain't ya." Stares at my hand.

"Well yes I am, but I still need the light bulb changed and your buddy in there told me you were the man." I say as I sheepishly drop my hand back along my side.

"He ain't no buddy of mine." He replies back with a blank stare.

"Ok, sorry. But I really need to have the light bulb for my reading lamp in my office changed." Getting a little mad now, but trying not to show it.

"Got the forms filled out?" He asked.

"Forms! What forms? I just need one lousy light bulb changed!" I'm not shouting, but getting close.

"Hey, don't cop an attitude with me mister, I got to follow the rules like everybody else." His eyelid is really twitching now.

"Ok, sorry, I really am sorry. Didn't mean to be rude. It's been a very long morning. Where can I get the proper forms?" I'm trying very hard to keep my composure.

"Ya gotta ask for em."

"Alright, who do I ask?" I already knew the answer to this one.

"Me." Came the snappy reply.

"Ok," I sigh "Would you please get me the proper forms, please?"

"I guess." He says as he walks past me to the building maintenance door. He pulls out a key ring that has about a hundred keys on it and unlocks the door and disappears inside.

About thirty minutes later the door opens back up and he looks out and sees me still standing there. Looking disgusted because I was still there he closes the door again. About five minutes later he opens the door just wide enough to look at me with one eye and hands me three pages of forms.

"Fill out these here forms and make five copies of them. You keep one set and bring me back the other four. And make sure you sign them!" He instructs, then adds. "Don't leave no spaces blank or ya gotta do em all over again."

"Well thank you very much." I gush. "I'll get right on these. How long will it take to get the bulb changed after I return the forms?"

"Two, three weeks if ya filled em out right. Longer if ya screw em up."

"I'll get started on these right away, get them back to you as soon as possible. Bye now." I conclude as he slams the door shut half way through my reply.

I go back up to my office and put the forms on my desk. Then I call Brenda and tell her that I will be out of the office for about thirty minutes. I left the hangar went to a store, bought a light bulb cane back to the office, changed the damn bulb and threw the forms into the trash.

So the answer is just one U.S. Government employee, it just takes a while.


[This message has been edited by con-pilot (edited 26 June 2001).]

Blacksheep
27th Jun 2001, 08:46
Well now that you've spilled the beans to this here member of the Electrical, Electronic, Telecommunications and Plumbers Union (EETPU) all I can say is you're damned lucky you're in America.

If you were here in UK we'd come up there to the third floor and rip your fuses out! Damn your Blackleg hide! I bet you're only working for the government because you were drummed out of ALPA for Blacklegging. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

**********************************
Through difficulties to the cinema

flt_lt_w_mitty
28th Jun 2001, 23:01
How many proverb-tellers does it take........

Many.

Think about it.

itchy kitchin
29th Jun 2001, 18:17
How many dyslexics does it take to change a Blight Lub?

dv8
30th Jun 2001, 12:02
flt_lt_w_mitty

Didn't get it

Winston Smith
30th Jun 2001, 13:04
And yet another one on the Microsoft Engineers:

Well, how many ...?

100! One to change the bulb and 99 to click away the Error Messages... :)

Flap Sup
30th Jun 2001, 14:36
Another one:

How many Mircosoftprogrammers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, its a hardwareproblem..

FS

Icarus Wings
30th Jun 2001, 17:32
How many air traffic controllers does it take to change a light bulb?

Standby.....

Co ordination unaffected
1st Jul 2001, 00:22
How many stupid people does it take to change a light bulb?

5

1 to get on a table and get hold of the bulb, the other 4 to pick up the table and turn it round.

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Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

Hagbard the Amateur
1st Jul 2001, 00:35
How many Zen Masters?
None, Zen Masters carry their own light.

How many actors?
One to climb the ladder and two to stand at the bottom whispering about how it really should be one of them up there doing the job.

Hagbard the Amateur
1st Jul 2001, 16:38
How many Italian mothers?

"No, it's ok, I'll just sit here in the dark."

How many acid heads?
"I can see just fine..."

[This message has been edited by Hagbard the Amateur (edited 01 July 2001).]