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tony draper
23rd Sep 2001, 15:41
Anybody else noticed something strange about Government ministers nowadays, we had the usual lot trotted out on the newsy chat shows this morning.
Listen to them carefully, not what they say of course, that is mostly meaningless babble but to the frequency the name Tony Blair is trotted out.
I beleive these creatures are fitted with a cunning machine when they attain cabinet rank.
This device is processor controlled and is activated by the proximity of studio lights, or the magnetic field of a microphone, and is contained in a belt that is locked in position untill they are demoted.
Voice recognition software is programed to listen for the words Tony and Blaire, if not detected every thirty seconds a 25,000 volt shock is delivered via electrodes wired to their genitallia.

"blah blah blah, Tony Blair, burble burble burble, Tony Blair, blah blah blah, Tony Blair,blah blady blah blah burble burble blah burble ,AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH, TONY BLAIR!, TONY BLAIR! TONY BLAIR! for f*ck sake TONY BLAIR".

This creation could be of great use in the outside world, with slight modification of the software, it could be used to good effect on people, say for example Jimmy Tarbuck,if he mentions Golf, more than twenty seven times a minute,Jimmy Saville, if he ever uses the words "now then, now then", or even Cilla, is it detects the sound spectrum of "lorra lorra laughs".
And for people like Ian Paisley it could be set to lethal voltage levels, if it picks up anything more than breathing sounds.
The uses to which this equiptment can be put are limited only by our imagination. Personnly I would utilise it first to cure the irritating habit of American youth to babble "know what I'm sayin, Know what I'm saying",with every second breath..

O! frabjous day, calloo! callay!

[ 23 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Kermit 180
23rd Sep 2001, 16:16
Could also use it to enforce correct spelling (set to the type of language used in your part of the world). What a marvellously literate world you would create Mr Draper, but are you prepared to test this electric shock treatment on yourself?

Kermie :rolleyes:

tony draper
23rd Sep 2001, 16:57
Ow! that stang.

Cardinal Puff
23rd Sep 2001, 20:56
Perhaps it could be set to react to the phrase "..he was, like, duhhh.." to activate a small explosive charge to tighten a steel wire noose around the scrotum or fallopian tubes, thereby rendering the utterer (?) a mere sunbather at the gene pool.

Tartan Gannet
23rd Sep 2001, 21:02
Tony I totally agree! These poor cyborgs are programmed to say lovely things about the Great Helmsman. It would be funny if it wasnt so sickening! In the good old days there was a bit of healthy dissent, but now it is as bad as Kim Il Sung on who's death there were risible scenes of orchestrated weeping in the streets by soldiers of the North Korean Army. I visualised the equivalent of a tough Sargeant bawling out the words of command " B Company, at the command weep you will cry your eyes out! Wait for it, wait for it you 'orrible little men..." Thus with Our Beloved Ego, sorry Leader, all Labour MPs apart from the few who are not "on message" have to talk about him in reverential tones, ensuring that any praise for popular happenings goes his way and that any blame when things dont pan out is deflected or even taken upon themselves.

Another noticable trend is to that Ministers etc will simply ignore the question on Radio and TV is it doesn't suit them and insist on delivering the answer programmed into their memory banks. Im not saying that the Tories didnt do this when in office but it has become an art form under New Labour. As an example, Interviewer, "Mr Reid, do you not feel that the Protestants may have a point....?" Mr John Reid, Northern Ireland Secretary " in temporarily suspending the Northern Inreland Assembly I was .........." Interviewer "But Mr Reid to return to my question, could it not be argued that the Protestants.......?" Reid "As I was saying, In temporarily suspending the Northern Ireland Assembly....."

I now consider any Government spokesman, and quite a few of the Opposition's to be LIARS and discount most of what they say. Thus "...the Minister said that MMR vacine is totally safe to use on children..." FIND A DOCTOR WHO WILL ADMINISTER SINGLE DOSES TO YOUR KID. "...Government spokesman says Foot and Mouth over..." PREPARE FOR MORE ANIMALS BEING BURNED IN THE FIELDS, etc, etc.

Finally, dont worry about the "Spelling Police" I have had the benefit of hostile postings from these human colostomy bags. Its a stock weapon of the intelectuals to pick up poor spelling, typos, gramatical errors to cast aspersions on the viewpoints of those who do not conform to their cosy consensus. Dont let the bast***s grind you down mate! :cool:

tony draper
23rd Sep 2001, 21:37
Roger that re spelling police TG, they are a strange breed and lurk on every forum.

Ironic it is that the best work of prediction ever, infinitly better than Nostrodamus, that for some reason every forum seems to be quoting , is 1984 written by a Blair.
It should be compulsery reading for every school child,before it comes true in its entirety.
BIG TONY LOVES YOU
BIG TONY WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING
BIG TONY IS WATCHING YOU.
REPORT THOUGHT CRIME TO BIG TONY.

heh heh, we got it nearly all now, Proles, Doublethink, Thought Crime,Double Speak,
oh yes, we will all learn to love Big Tony

[ 23 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

[ 23 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Man-on-the-fence
23rd Sep 2001, 22:14
TG

I thought you'd gone off to pastures new??

Welcome back :)

Mac the Knife
23rd Sep 2001, 22:55
'Lo TG! Good to hear you again. Wanted to email you but no addy. Cheers.

BlueDiamond
23rd Sep 2001, 23:18
Welcome back, T.G. we've missed you!

:D

Unwell_Raptor
23rd Sep 2001, 23:19
Crikey!

The wanderer returns.

Tell you what, Tartan; it's been dead busy round here while you were away.

So what's the answer then? What do we do?

Dave Hedgehog
23rd Sep 2001, 23:42
Mr. Draper to cross threads, could this device be used to enforce the proper standards of dining etiquette, regarding correct fork/knife positioning in correct hand? for example every time a person picks up a fork in his right hand, could said voltage be transmitted to certain parts of said persons said anatomy?

yours inaweofyourgenius

Dave

tony draper
24th Sep 2001, 00:07
Indeed Mr H,Cure anything from facial ticks, left handedness,addiction to prune and many others.
Think, finaly a working cure for those poor wretches that watch Australian soap opera's, or even Brit ones for that matter,but one must admit, that there can be few creatures that can fall lower than your Aussy soap opera watcher.

Tartan Gannet
24th Sep 2001, 00:20
U_R, what no welcoming quote from Jane Austen????

Seriously, if I had the answer to the Bin Laden terrorism situation Id have e-mailed Dubya with it. I feel he should copy Teddy Roosevelt, "tread softly and carry a big stick". The very last thing that is wanted is a nuclear war. That would be no fitting memorial to those who died on 11th September.

Now back on topic, Tony Draper, we can see George Orwell's (Eric Blair's) predictions in place even now. On any piece of New Labour propaganda which comes through my letter box on its progress to the bin there is the picture of Big Brother, Tony himself, even if its about the Local Councillors not national government. He is at every photo opportunity, is worshipped by his supporters. We have the spy culture, just look at those awful adverts exhorting us to grass up our neighbours if they are doing a cash job to suppliment the paltry dole or benefits or are importing some booze or baccy for their friends. They can kiss my ar** before I'd shop anyone! I am also told by OLD Labour friends that they are ostracised for Thought Crime if they have not embraced Tony's great project to destroy the only democratic vehicle available to the Working Classes, (oops, sorry, "Reform the Labour Party and make it a dynamic part of the 21st Century"). Many fine old traditionalist Labour Councillors have been deselected in favour of Blairite androids.

Unwell_Raptor
24th Sep 2001, 01:00
Poor old Blair/Orwell. For every ten people who quote him there is one who has read him.
Here's one of his best:

"The Lottery, with its weekly pay-out of enormous prizes, was the one public event to which the proles paid serious attention. It was probable that there were some millions of proles for whom the Lottery was the principal if not the only reason for remaining alive. It was their delight, their folly, their anodyne, their intellectual stimulant. Where the Lottery was concerned, even people who could barely read and write seemed capable of intricate calculations and staggering feats of memory. There was a whole tribe of men who made a living simply by selling systems, forecasts, and lucky amulets."

By the way, who introduced the Lottery? Wasn't TB was it?

On another topic: I am sorry that TG has missed the apercus of Miss Austen. Here are a couple that seem to be apposite, and entirely relevant to poor Tartan:

"No body is on my side, nobody takes part with me: I am cruelly used, nobody feels for my poor nerves"

but fear not, because:

"for what do we live but to make sport for our neighbours...?"


:cool:

[ 23 September 2001: Message edited by: Unwell_Raptor ]

tony draper
24th Sep 2001, 01:16
I read it many many years ago Mr R,and the way things have turned out makes me think of it more and more.
Like I said it should be compusary reading, although I don't suppose it would be regarded as politicly correct now, we can't have a bunch of people called proles can we.

swashplate
24th Sep 2001, 02:05
Firstly, welcome back Tartan Gannet!!

IMHO Jet Blast has been dull w/o y'all!!!!

How come you left/came back anyway? :confused:


Anyway, to stay 'on message' :D could not Mr Draper's interesting device be used to stop tossers noisly blowing thier noses?

That irritates the hell out of me!!!!! :mad:

Tartan Gannet
24th Sep 2001, 02:12
Good old Raptor, I knew you would rise to the occasion.

:D

Yes I have read George Orwell, not all of his works I have to admit. Yes it was the Tories who let the Lottery commence, (I cant stand them either, especially after they have committed electoral suicide and chosen Hague mark two as their leader thus sentencing the UK to at least 10 more years of Blair). If Phoney Tony is that keen on Capitalism, the Market and Competition then why didnt he split the Lottery, Branson's on Wednesday and Camelot's on Saturdays?

I did see a lovely cartoon in Private Eye a while back, it showed a Lottery Booth with what were obviously working class people queuing up to buy tickets while posh people were seen walking towards the Royal Opera House, the sign above the booth said PROLE TAX!

:p :p :p

BTW, not wanting to add to their miseries but if we are going to have TD's corrective device then why not use it to administer a jolt when our US friends pronounce Buoy as BOOEH, Route as ROUT, Schedule as SKEDULE and write their dates the wrong way round eg today to them is 09/23/2001 not too bad now but is 08/09/01 9th August or 8th September?

[ 23 September 2001: Message edited by: Tartan Gannet ]

Tricky Woo
24th Sep 2001, 16:13
Hi All,

Regarding 1984: I fully agree that far more people should pick up the sodding book and actually read it. While Orwell's headline political theories are fascinating, in more modern times his cultural references really stand out.

Consider 'NewSpeak': There was, and is, a theory of language that has caused a lot of cultural damage:

The premise is that if 'undesirable' words are eradicated from the language, then the corresponding thoughts that such words represent would have no way of being expressed, and thus would be extinguished, lock, stock and barrel: no words, hence no thoughts, hence no naughtiness.

Absolute bollocks, of course, but then again Wittgenstein always was a tad over-rated.

In fact, part of Orwell's book is a clever refutation of this theory: Thought comes before language, so ban all the words you want, 'cos the thoughts will continue all the same. People will simply replace a banned word with another made-up word. Either that, or recycle an existing word so that it acquires the meaning of the banned word.

What relevance to modern times? Well, has anyone ever heard of political correctness?

Quite.

I give it ten years before kids start being sent home from school for calling each other 'mentally challenged' or 'inadequately financed' or whatever. This year's politically correct terms will turn into next year's playground taunts. Then those terms will have to be replaced with a new set of correct terms, which will have to be replaced yet again, ad nauseum.

That's what you get when you treat the symptoms rather than the root cause of the illness.

Clever bloke, Orwell.

TW

HugMonster
24th Sep 2001, 16:43
Spot on, TW.

For illustrations, look at the Cumbrian Nuclear Waste Reprocessing facility...

Use to be called "Calder Hall". That name gets a bad rep., fo they change it - trouble is, whether you call it Sellafield, Windscale, whatever, you can't change people's opinion of it just by changing the name.

The other one is the name for people whose skin is darker than others...

Negro is no longer considered acceptable (at least, in the USA), nor is "Black", nor "Coloured". Not too long ago it used to be "People of colour" - YUCK!!! Now it appears that the only acceptable term is "African Americans".

But you don't change people's prejudices by the use of newspeak.

As for your prediction of 10 years, TW, I think that will be an overestimate, but otherwise 100% accurate.

Bally Heck
24th Sep 2001, 17:27
Marvellous idea Tony.

I decided to put it into practise to help with my own particular compulsion. I have run into a technical difficulty which perhaps someone on the forum could assist with.

On reading Tony's original post I ran out to the shed and started assembling components. An old 6v battery from the burglar alarm, Wiring loom from a now long departed 1967 BSA Bantam. Coil from a C15 of the same era. Distributor from a Ford Zodiac of the 60s.

Three days later the contraption was ready for testing. Distributor attached to the raised wheel of my trusty Coventry Eagle bicycle.

Tested on a spark plug and a juicy beefy spark jumped the electrodes.

So, I removed the crocodile clips from the battery charger. Wired them up to the HT side of my cunning machine and connected them to my scrotum.

Now here is the problem. In order for the shock therapy to work, I figure that it must be administered whilst practising my compulsion and not before. So my plan was to sit on the bicycle and commence operations and then after a judicious interval, start pedalling.

My problem then is that due to the nature of my obsession, the act of practising it causes my scrotum to occilate violently and the crocdile clips fall of before I can start pedalling. Can anyone make any suggestions to attach the electrodes more securely.

I would appreciate an expeditious reply as the eyesight is rapidly deteriorating, and Mrs Heck is getting a bit suspicious about the goings on in the shed.

HugMonster
24th Sep 2001, 18:55
Gaffer tape (aka Duct tape). I'm sure (I haven't tried this, you'll appreciate) that it will not only hold the electrodes securely, but will also, when removed, provide you with a very smooth finish that I'm sure will bring tears to the eyes of Mrs. Heck that will complement the tears in your eyes from the removal... :D

[ 24 September 2001: Message edited by: HugMonster ]

Eric
24th Sep 2001, 19:20
Bally - how about a stapler :eek:

bubba zanetti
24th Sep 2001, 20:45
Mr. Draper,
I like the idea of your little gizmo a whole bunch and certainly it would appear you have researched the proper volatage settings - a little homework perhaps ... hmmm?
My use for the Draper Regurgeaflemometer, would be similar to Kubrik's vision of social training in Clockwork Orange.
I would target violence of course, but instead of Beethoven's music I would use a medley of Rap music with a special emphasis on words like "Yo, Check this out, you motha " and other notables.
In addition to training desireable behaviour we could purge the world of this dread moron chant music as well.

Here in my world they use a popular little device to detect pedophiles. It is called the penile plathismograph. It measures the engorgement factor of the male organ while the subject views pictures of children. I think by combining this device with the Draper Regurgeaflemometer, you may have discovered a cure for this dread abboration. You alsoy might be well on your way to a Nobel Peni ..., er, ah, ... I mean, ... Nobel Peace Prize, as well, ... as it were... :D

bubba zanetti
24th Sep 2001, 20:50
ooops ... new here :o

[ 24 September 2001: Message edited by: bubba zanetti ]

JetAgeHobo
24th Sep 2001, 21:25
Folks, remember who we're dealing with here. This Draper fellow must be watched closely. I suspect his ultimate motive might be to secretly infiltrate the shock thereapy machine so that its wearers start uttering "Tony Draper" "Tony Draper," thus confusing the popular electorate, so that when the next P.M. elections come due, Mr. Draper is elected by popular write in ballot.

Gainesy
24th Sep 2001, 21:33
Well, thatwould be a start in the right direction. ;)

tony draper
24th Sep 2001, 22:54
Hmmm, this Penile Plathismograph, has promise,Mr Z, Draper knows of a large lady in Newcastle who is keen on skimpy leather garb and is a strict diisisplinarian, who would look kindly upon such a device.
She will probably summon Draper and ask him to surreptitiously connect this machine to the national grid.
Business is business. ;)

bubba zanetti
24th Sep 2001, 23:54
Mr. Draper.
That costume you describe, is that the local fashion for women of Newcastle upon Tyne?
Sounds enchanting and rather fetching really. A woman dressed in that manor could probably get me to do anything she wanted. I love to please a well dressed woma... er, I mean, misstr ...well ... you get the picture!
:eek:

tony draper
25th Sep 2001, 00:05
I understand she is a very persuasive lady, hearsay you understand.
A very shrewd business woman, forgoing the usual medieval paraphanalia, she has a mock up of a cockpit complete with left and right seat, equiped with extra straps and buckles of course, she does sterling business.

"naughty, naughty, pilot what does Madam do when pilot are naughty"?,SWISH CRACK "AAAARRRGGGHHHH, MORE, PLEASE!!!! MORE, ;)

bubba zanetti
25th Sep 2001, 00:38
"Madame to copilot, madame to copilot ... more left rudder you daft sod!"

Mr. Draper-
"Aye Aye Madame. Mr. D would salute but my, ah, ... uniform is a tad tight in the shoulders er, ... Madame."

WHAAACKKKK !!!

"Quiet, I said more left rudder, you cur! Do I have to land this aircraft myself and take you back to the ... hanger again for a review of your certificate of airworthiness, hmmmm. .. Mr. Draper?!!"

:eek: Methinks the gentleman dwelling by the Tyne have an odd view of cockpit procedure !!!

Proof positive it isn't all Ducks and Drakes Tyneside! :D

[ 24 September 2001: Message edited by: bubba zanetti ]

tony draper
25th Sep 2001, 01:42
The Tyne the Tyne the coaly Tyne
It flows down to the sea.
full of ships and busy once
of that it is now free.
A piece of modern art will sit
across the waters soon.
Gateshead chaps will walk across
and get fuddled in the Toon. ;)


Anybody seen that arty farty abortion across the river yet??,.
It belong in tate modern along with artfully arranged bricks and unmade beds.
The old Tyne bridge , now thats a piece of engineering.
BAH!!!new bridge???, Humbug.

[ 24 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Bally Heck
25th Sep 2001, 03:17
Thanks Huggy and Eric. Unfortunately your advice came too late and I am not going to experiment no more no more no more.

Anyway, having had a flash of inspiration after this mornings post I popped down to Homebase and bought two sets of 8" Mole grips. You can probably see where this is going.

To allay Mrs Heck's suspicions I told her I was off to pot some plants. Once in the shed I soldered the leads of my infernal contraption to the Mole grips. Now, I recommend NOT trying this at home, but if you do you may find a return trip to Homebase in order to purchase a soldering iron with shall we say bigger cojones.

We are now 41.97 down with rapidly failing eyesight.

Anyway, I attached the Mole grips to my wrinkled old retainer and did some rather vigorous gyrations to test the adhesion. Eureka! With a bit of judicious adjustment, they stayed in place even when I did the Funky Gibbon.

I then mounted my much modified bicycle to administer the cure to my problem. After a few minutes of bringing Jean Luc Picard to warp speed I judged that it was the correct moment to start pedalling.

Now, here is the unforseen part of my enterprise. The electric shock was delivered as planned through the now jauntily swinging Moles. Unfortunately as each shock was delivered (four per revolution of the rear wheel) my leg muscles went into a spasm. This had the entirely involuntary effect of making me cycle more and more quickly in what was effectively a positive feedback control loop. I rapidly accelerated to my max continuous rating an stayed there for over an hour.

I know this because the one o' clock news was on when I started and Steve Wright was well past his intro when the spade connector fell of the coil.

The burning smell was rather worrying even through the excruciating pain which was by now, to all intents continuous was a considerable distraction. Worse still my right hand also spasmed and I couldn't let go. So, far from being a cure for my compulsion, I couldn't stop if I wanted to for over an hour.

I'm going to have to keep the crown jewels out of Mrs Heck's ambit of operation for a few days. This is not normally a problem, but sod's law being what it is she will probably choose tonight to become a bit frisky so I've asked for night flights for the rest of the week.

Tony, could I ask you to keep your bright ideas to yourself in future!