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touch&go
17th Sep 2001, 02:50
May come in useful....

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells
the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed
below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful,
caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Having a beer.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, **** -loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect
responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The
real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you
answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions,
usually along the these lines:

> WOMAN: Would you get married again?
> MAN: Definitely not!
> WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?
> MAN: Of course I do.
> WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
> MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
> WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
> MAN: ( makes audible groan )
> WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
> MAN: Where else would we sleep?
> WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with ones of her?
> MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
> WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
> MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
> WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
> MAN: **** .

[ 16 September 2001: Message edited by: touch&go ]

Grainger
17th Sep 2001, 03:20
How about: "Is it in yet ?" :eek:

Eric
17th Sep 2001, 03:39
1) - OK

2) In the words of The Macc Lads, "I **** you don't I?"

3) True, but you missed the "tut", signifying, "How could you think that you possibly COULD be fat?"

4) Sorry, wrong.
The proper answer is, "Who?"

5) Sorry, minefield, not even thinking about that one!

Jackonicko
17th Sep 2001, 04:00
A graphic designer I once worked with had a one night stand with an Aussie bird, who asked the absolute worst and most off-putting question ever, in the midst of his 'performance'.

"Didja slime yet, mate?"

Hmmmm.