View Full Version : Light Relief

tony draper
17th Sep 2001, 01:40
As someone has pointed out, Drapers post have been far to heavy the last few days, so back to his normal completely irrelevent though important topics.
I needed some of the above, so I sat and watched Pulp Fiction last night I noticed something odd.
In the restaurant scene with Uma Thurman, John Travolta is eating his steak using his knife and fork like a Brit, you know knife in the right hand fork in the left ,not changing them over like Americans do. Incidentally the Brit method makes a lot more ergonomic sense, and is much more efficient,we can eat twice as fast, in a eating competion we would win hands down.
Its a long time since I have been to the USA, has the traditional American method of eating iron deployment been abandoned?.
Has it ever struck you as to how these strange little cultural differences, ie the knife and fork utilization methods came into being.

17th Sep 2001, 01:54
Royale with cheese...

17th Sep 2001, 02:00
You need to get out more.

tony draper
17th Sep 2001, 02:11
Well, its this attention to fine detail that makes Britain the home of the finest detectives in the history of fiction. ;)

17th Sep 2001, 02:54
mmm, this is a tasty burger! LMFAO

Send Clowns
17th Sep 2001, 03:07
Draper, I have an American friend from a nice New Hampshire family who's parents were horrified by the table manners of his sister after she had married an Englishman, moved to London and started to eat two-handed! It is not done in polite society there :eek:

henry crun
17th Sep 2001, 03:11
While you are in a detecting mood Mr D perhaps you can answer this question.

Many people going from e.g., Newcastle to London, say they are going up to London.

It is not up, it is south and therefore down.

Is this habit of referring to "up" and "down"
without regard to the general compass direction a result of unquestioning learning from childhood or is there some other explanation ?.

17th Sep 2001, 03:25
No Surrender...are you mad? :confused:

Ah!...after reading your profile, I understand that you presumably are unaware of Mr Draper's past.

Please...you must understand that Mr Draper MUST NEVER get out more, in fact he must never get out again.

The fat man will shout at Tony if he gets out, and certain Ppruners will have sleepless nights for weeks.

Just leave him alone and he won't bother you.

(Edited 'cos I just realised I'm 500 posts old!)

[ 16 September 2001: Message edited by: Eric ]

17th Sep 2001, 03:25
henry: if ever there was a need for a graphic example of what's meant by "dumbing-down", you need look no further than the upside-down map.

No, seriously - you can get a map of the UK printed the right way up for when you are travelling North, and on the other side upside down (Scotland at the bottom) for when you are travelling South. :rolleyes:

henry crun
17th Sep 2001, 03:51
Grainger, I realise the title of this topic is light relief but you can't fool me with this "no, seriously" stuff, I was not born yesterday.

17th Sep 2001, 04:03
Sadly it's all true, henry - just take a look next time you're in Halfords....

17th Sep 2001, 04:12
Henry, had you been born yesterday, I would have offered you my most sincere compliments of your typing skills. :D

I agree with much of the above, in that it is one of the highest imperatives that draper NOT get out. It took the guys in the van several days to trap him last time, and at least four hypodermics of the strongest sedatives known. "The Big Place" also has added to the collection of saws, scalpels, drills and chainsaws in its "Black Museum". We tried to explain to draper why it was called a "Black" museum when, in fact, the walls are painted the most restful shade of green we could find, but he was a little overwrought at the time...

Indeed, we do go "up" to London. This is the same for anywhere in the country, except for Oxford or Cambridge Universities. It is, however, only true of the Universities. If you are in London and about to visit All Souls, Oxford, you go "up" to Oxford. If, on the other hand, you have an upcoming liaison with a young lady of dubious morals in the Lamb and Flag, or are visiting someone at the Radcliffe Infirmary, you are going "down" to Oxford.

If your colours are Dark Blue, from Kings College, Cambridge to Oriel College, Oxford, you are going "up". If you are travelling from St. Hilda's to Gonville and Caius, you are going "down" (as, I am led to believe, the young ladies of St. Hilda's frequently did).

Should you have so little taste as to prefer Light Blue, then there is little hope for you, and you probably went only to a minor public school, or even worse, you're a Grammar School oik, or a northern scientist.

[ 17 September 2001: Message edited by: HugMonster ]

tony draper
17th Sep 2001, 10:32
Actually Mr Crun It may have something to do with the railways, railwaymen, or pea's pudding men as they used to be known as up here always refer to up lines and down lines in lines and out lines.
I did a lot of work for that Metro system we had built in Newcastle, and this used to drive us crazy, they never said east lines or north bound lines, it appeared to have no logic that we could discern.
On the other hand south is so obviously down hill, anyway we would have said to "going down to the smoke"if one was travelling to London.

compressor stall
17th Sep 2001, 11:00

It is merely cartographer's convention and nothing else that causes north to be on the top of any map of the earth.

After all why should it be the top? Why not south? There is no "up" in space.

Any references to the magnetic north can be countered with:

1. The magentic north pole is somewhere in northern Canadam not the north geographic pole

2. Every 25 000 years or so, the earth's polarity flips over (ie compasses point to the south magnetic pole).

Every self resepcting aussie has the "Corrected map of the world" - with Australia at the top.

:D :D

tony draper
17th Sep 2001, 11:30
Star charts and things like Lunar maps always show south at the top,as this is the view as seen thru a astronomical telescope,every thing was upside down, or should I say that used to be the case, modern telescopes are erect image.
Not many people know that. ;)

[ 17 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

tony draper
17th Sep 2001, 11:59
To get back on topic ,the strange case of differing knife and fork deployment.
Draper has sifted the evidence and come up with a working hypothesis.
In the neolithic era we probably used a flint chipping and fingers, oddly enough, holding the flint in the left and tearing the meat off the bone as the cut is made with the fingers of the right hand, seems to be the most efficient method.
Later in the early bronze age, a bronze blade would be used, although this would only be the case in the S/E of England, in a ironic echo of modern times this blade would probably been manufactured in the North but only affordable by the rich bastards in the south.
This convention probably continued well into the Medieval period,knife and fingers, then someone, again, probably a northerner, came up with the idea of a fork.
This must have presented problems, so origionaly it would have been utilised in the American fashion, the knife and fork would have been used in them normal way to cut up the meat, the knife replaced in the belt and the fork used to pick up the meat. Bones would have been thrown over the shoulder of course, as a aside, this bone throwing tradition is still much in evidence in Scotland..
To continue, a few of us eventualy got fed up with knife and fork manufacturing for the rich southern fops and ******ed off to the then American colonies in search of a better life,and the freedom to own knives and forks of our own.
So having taken the more more traditional eating iron deployment with them, the now Americans stuck to this method,.
Meanwhile back in Blighty, the nation was in the throws of the industrial and scientific revolution, someone in the north east of England came up the much more efficient method of eating the world now enjoys.
So, QED, Draper has solved this strange cultural conundrum, and will shortly be submiting a learned paper to the New Scientist and other Journals for publication.
Things are much the same nowadays, the rich in the south get all the goodies, but all knives and forks manufactured in Japan,along with ships and everything bloody thing else, we in the north will shortly be going back to the flint chipping method of eating if things don't look up.

[ 17 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
17th Sep 2001, 15:10
Herr Draper,

There are STILL SOME things being manufactured in Sunderland: I've heard reports that the few remaining Geordies working in a manufacturing industry, are in the habit of scoffing their lunches with those pointy chopsticks that their Japanese bosses hand out.

Strange irony there, considering the subject of this thread.

It s indeed a bit of a mystery as to why John Travolta prefers the 'English Method'. Could easily be a clever film plot detail to show how sophisticated he'd become during his stay in Europe. Alternatively, it could be some weird sort of Scientology signal. You never know with these people. Maybe you could ask Quentin Tarantino next time he pops into your local pub?


tony draper
17th Sep 2001, 15:42
As you may have noticed Draper is somewhat of a zenophobe and never approved of the factory, Hense he snuck up to it and placed a large sign with the words
"Remember Tenko", in foot high letters on the fence.
Besides that car plant meant the destruction of a fine little airfield, with a nice aircraft museum attached, and sadly we now have a stately Vulcan bomber sitting rotting in a field there, a sad vandalised hulk.
This reminds me of something else, Sunderland
being run by complete loonies, declared themselves a nuclear free zone many years back, not altogether a unrealistic claim ,for it is doubtfull even in the days when the soviet union was warhead rich they would have bothered wasting one on the makums.
By the By Sunderland Council announced they were going to open the local government nuclear bunker to the general public, yes , strange even they had one of those,.
The offer had to be hastily withdrawn, and a announcment made that the bunker could not be opened because it had been destroyed by vandals.???
You may doubt Draper but the above is quite true, must be twenty years ago now. ;)

PS Very good movie, only have one critisism,
Tarrentino should never have allowed himself to appear in it, as a director he may be sh*t hot, but as a actor he's about as much use as a chocolate fire guard.
The idea that a short arsed four eyed little geek like him would shout at a guy like Jules
even in his own kitchen stretches credibility to far, he spoiled that scene.

PS Watch out for vandals from Sunderland they are very good at what they do.
PPS, please Mr Woo, There are no Geordies in Sunderland, a geordie has to be born on the banks of the Tyne, they do have a poor sort of scrawny river down there, called the wear or something equally unlikely,I mean most rivers have Wears on them.
The poor unfortunates who live in that area are known as Makums.
We do occasionaly send missionary's to that dark land but they seldom return.


[ 17 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

gravity victim
17th Sep 2001, 20:26
If I could just drag this topic roughly back on track, has anybody noticed that in Norway the salt comes out of the pepper pot and vice versa?

And in Denmark the ground floor is the first floor, and the button that says 'lift coming' actually says 'I fart.' Is this seemly? I'm told that when Her Maj visited their fine capital, they stuck a bit of tape over that button... :)

tony draper
17th Sep 2001, 20:36
Another strange liitle cultural quirk,
Normaly when your old mum or your wife set the table at meal times,I an talking about the days when people actually sat down together at table for meals, the cup and saucer is placed to the right of the setting, this is not so in the small pit villages around here, for some reason the miners of old and right up to the day they shut all the mines, the cup and saucer was placed on the left hand side.
Just read that recently, strange what!

17th Sep 2001, 21:00
Ummmmmm Uma .....

Then again,

Ummmmmm Velvet ...... :D

Send Clowns
18th Sep 2001, 01:25
Oi, Huggy that is cheek. I am of the light blue and went to neither grammar school nor private school, of the minor nor the 'great public school' variety. I was at the local comprehensive. I know the snobs at Oxford don't like that, but I have always been happy to tell it, cos I went to a decent university, and don't need school snobbery.

tony draper
18th Sep 2001, 01:56
Huh! bloody people born with the silver spoon planted firmly in gob make me sick.
Draper was forced to leave school when he was six and work 17 hrs a day in the clog mines, poor mother sold pickled mud from a barrow outside the local leper colony until she died of old age at 23,
Draper had to learn to read and write from the gravestones in the local posh cemetary, where one would be beaten to death if caught for daring to stand in the presents of posh people, even dead ones.
Draper practiced his letters by licking his finger and writing his ABC's on the grime that encrusted his poor body, he lived in adiscarded lobster pot after walking fifteen miles to the coast to steal a meager meal of bladder wrack, and had to set out imediatly to walk back to the quarries.
Having grown strong in body and mind Draper was sold by his owner to the tripe quarries, where 20hr working days in the fresh air caused Draper to wax strong and healthy.
Draper thanks god for the tripe quarries and gravestones, they got me where I am today.
Huh! public school and university fops, Draper owns a Lamborgini Diabalo now, modified, the wheels removed and shafts fitted, in the likeness of a sedan chair, I have four of these over educated simpletons carry me around now,I regard it as a affront the I am no longer allowed to whip them.
Bah, don't know what England is coming too.

[ 17 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

18th Sep 2001, 05:26

Everone knows that humans move

Up North
Back East
Out West
Down South

Doesn't matter which hand the knife or fork is in...

[ 18 September 2001: Message edited by: Trinflight ]

SG Walker
18th Sep 2001, 05:51
Our knife and fork deployment dilemmas are, however, as nothing compared to the potential dangers of Middle Eastern practices, where one should eat solely with the right hand, reserving the left, of course, for attending to the ar*e.

Levels of hepatitis in the Middle East indicate this is not entirely successful.

18th Sep 2001, 08:05
I've lost count of the number of times that I've watchted an American struggle to use a knife and fork to cut up their food and then put down the knife and use the fork by itself.
I recently holiday with a group of Americans and out of the six, only one used the cutlery as we do. After a few days, when I thought that I could ask such a personal question, I asked her why so many of her countryman seemed incapable of this simple task. I thought that it might be that she was only first generation American,ie her parents were immigrants from Europe. Apparenty this was not the case, as she was bought up on the fork method. It was only when she went back to visit her relatives in Europe, saw how they ate and thought "Hey that's pretty neat", that she changed her ways. However, she couldn't tell me why the rest prefer the fork method.

18th Sep 2001, 08:06
Obviously not being well travelled enough, I have never noticed that the USA eats in a different fashion - so this thread is totally confusing me! :confused:

How on Earth do yanks eat a steak, if not with knife in the right hand and fork in the left????

18th Sep 2001, 08:32
Well, on this subject I speak with some authority:

Yes, the natives here in the colonies use the right (Or the good hand) to operate the fork. Instead of cutting the dead animal into smaller pieces with a knife, they uh, use the fork and some force to push the side of the instrument down and if the food is soft enough: Voila, no knife needed.

Being born and rised in the old country where the eating techniques are based on thousands of years of evolution, it drives my crazy to observe native friends around the table.

(However it works good for pancakes soaked in syrup and melted butter)

On a different subject: Yes many of us PPRuNers would really appreciate if Tony stayed home and played with the computer all day, and uh, especially all night.

Do I have to mention "Broken Pilot" ?

You are doing good Tony, stay right where you are...DOn't leave, the men in white and those funny straps will be over shortly, but they are yours frinds: Just follow them into the big car going to the big white house.
Good chap, good chap......

tony draper
18th Sep 2001, 13:56
I believe someone,(probably from the north, we are a inventive people,see railways turbines iron ships ect.)has devised a combined knife and fork already, a conventional fork with a sharpened edge,can't remember if its called a fife or a nork,a combination knife fork and spoon would be a work of unsuppassed genious, many have gone insane trying to achieve this,
piece of cutlery its name is whispered in inventive circles, the spife.
I believe a Swiss military gentleman came up with what he thought was the ultimate item of cutlery,(Hu!, bloody Swiss) that contains all the cutlery needs that a human being could possible want and use in a entire lifetime, it includes implements for the removal of stones from Scotsmans hooves, and a collapsable operating theater,and a instrument that in a pinch can be used to disable the physics package on a thermonuclear warhead, although in the instruction manual one is advised to stand well clear as the fission primary will still detonate.
Though pocket sized Draper has found it impractical.

[ 18 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
18th Sep 2001, 15:26
Nah, the Swiss Army Knife is actually a clever bluff by the Swiss authorities into making us think they're 'arder than they really are.

Read on...

Everyone knows that the Swiss armed forces are a joke. Half their army still have bicycles allocated to them, and their airforce were still flying Vampires until a week last Tuesday. We've discussed the full might of the Swiss navy in a previous thread, so no need to regurgitate the sad facts here. They're rubbish.

So how can the Swiss make the world think that they're dead 'ard, like wot we are?

Ever tried to open any of the gizmo's on a Swiss Army Knife? F**king impossible without tearing a nail off, which is why there's a cross on the side to remind you to visit the nearest medical facility after you've opened your can of soup or whatever. Strangely enough, the Swiss have not only failed to design their knives to make 'em easier to open, but they have even increased the difficulty over the years.

Hence the overall perseption that the Swiss are as 'ard as nails.

Clever sods.


18th Sep 2001, 15:32
By George, it is a sad reflection on the falling standards in our society that no-one has yet spoken up for the true traditions of proper dining. Those of us with true class never buy cutlery, it is always inherited, and we insist that a different design of implement is used for each of the different courses which each meal involves. One of course has to dress appropriately in order to use these implements. It is this strict maintenance of standards on which the Empire was built. As we have allowed them to be eroded by sloppy colonial practices we have lost our standing in the world where it really matters – the cricket and rugby pitches of the Empire. The truth of this is demonstrated by one remaining success, in rowing, which of course is dominated by good fellows from those establishments where they still try to maintain these standards. It is good to hear that even those involved in the dubious work of cinematography sometimes try to set higher standards. Well done Mr Trevolta.

Even in the pulse household I am being constantly challenged by the little pulses to justify the logic of using cutlery in the correct order, working from outside to in. I even have to withstand threats to call something called Childline, as I impose justified punishments when they defiantly try to cut their meat with the fish knife. Whatever next!!

A man should not be judged by his colour, race or creed, but by the way he dines. This is what distinguishes us from the animals.

I must finish now as Mrs pulse wants me to pick up a takeaway on the way home.

tony draper
18th Sep 2001, 22:15
Good grief!, what is to become of us, only once before have I heard of meat being cut by the fish knife, the whole mess fell silent, and the chap, ashen with horror at what he had done swiftly exited the table and did the decent thing whist cleaning his webley.
Seize the child at once Mr P,incarcerate it in a secure location,swiftly summon a priest, and have him perform the 13th ritual
this may seem a little ,errr, Roman, but these chaps are so much better at that sort of thing than ones local vicar.
Act at once Mr P,the child may yet be saved, keep a sharp eye on the youngster for the next six months,on no account allow the young Pulse to sacrifice one of its siblings to the Dark one, for at least six months.

[ 18 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Dave Hedgehog
18th Sep 2001, 22:22
Mr. Draper, in previous posts, you referred to Makum Vandals.

Would these be the same vandals that wrote "Built by Grafters not Geordies" in big un-friendly letters inside the head of Newcastles beloved Angel?

Or is it the toxic smog affecting this poor teessiders head again :confused:

tony draper
18th Sep 2001, 22:34
Draper does not approve of said angel, it looks to all intents and purposes like a large rusty tin man flashing his nob at the north bound traffic.
Draper knows nothing of the incident you speak of Mr H, one does recal some deluded Newcastle supporters hanging a large black and white shirt on that monstrosity, much to the horror of Gateshead council, who promptly summoned the old bill,and had them arrested.
The fools should have told the council they were doing some kind of art instalation, Gateshead council would have then payed them large sums of my money and attended the event themselves, all cooing and clucking, for they are luvies of the worst sort, art bloody luvies.

PS, Draper heard that the Angel had been fashioned in Hartlepool,Hmm the least said about Hartlepool the better,save to say that it is a very sad town, and never under any circumstance if you in the unfortunate circumstance of having to visit that place,repeat never mention Apes, Monkeys, Chimps, or indeed make any reference to any Anthropoids or Simians, even Lemurs should not be avoided as a topic of conversation.

[ 18 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

18th Sep 2001, 23:18
Each to his own mr Draper. For example, I imagine we have very different ways of opening our toolboxes. I delicately slip off each catch before easing the lid back whereas I expect a big northern brute like you to throw off all the catches at once and fling back the cover to reveal the shiny tools within!

tony draper
18th Sep 2001, 23:26
OOH! ooh! tool boxes, please Mr L, desist. ;)

19th Sep 2001, 13:22

I think that your suggested action for the minipulses shows that you have crossed that fine limit from genius to madness. How can I possible expose my siblings to the agents of Satan in Rome. These are the very people who have developed spaghetti just to undermine the eating habits of decent people everywhere. Along with rice, this product has been used for years to undermine the standards of good eaters everywhere. For years we have listened to the half truths put about by the liberal, woolly minded lefties who seek the easy life and instant gratification of the desire for fast food.

No, I think that the minipulses will have to be sentenced to those schools and colleges which train in acceptable standards of proper eating utensils. Even if this doesn’t work, they at least are likely to come out of it preferring the company of their own gender, which will reduce the risk of further siblings which, I agree, would be a bad thing.

I really don’t think our society has faced up to the serious issues this deterioration in eating habits has caused. As I said yesterday, it is only our use of tools (read eating utensils) which puts us above animals. In fact it can be argued that in most other respects animals are superior to man. When did you last see an animal picking it’s nose, or not bringing it’s library books back on time?

Successive governments have ignored this decline and some have even encouraged it by deliberately attacking the eating classes with severe inheritance taxes which make it difficult to pass one’s cutlery to the next generation. I am so concerned about this that, some years ago, I started a new political party which, up to now has had to keep a very low profile. But now, we have nearly 40,000 members, some of whom contribute money. What we desperately need now is more money.

The party is called the Party for the PRopagation of Utensils for Normal Eating so please give generously. It is actually quite strange that most of the current members seem to have a strong interest in aviation so it just shows that these kinds of people have high standards and are prepared to fight for them.

[ 19 September 2001: Message edited by: pulse1 ]

19th Sep 2001, 14:45
well i use the knife with my left hand beacause i am left handed so better at cutting with that hand
i use the fork with my right hand because my other hand has the knife :cool:

tony draper
19th Sep 2001, 16:59
I assume you are past the age when left handedness could be beaten out of you now,Dingyduck ?.
Had this been detected in your youth, a good daily flogging, could have rectified this sinister flaw, so eating in the manner you describe I suppose is allowed in these free and easy times, with its lack of disipline and lax morality, in my day you would have kissed the gunners daughter on a daily basis, and felt the sting of the lash.

19th Sep 2001, 17:29
Cack-handed, sinister, and gauche... :eek:

19th Sep 2001, 21:20
So, what do ambidextrous people do ?

Actually on the subject of left-handedness, I was born with that inclination, and it was beaten out of me , which explains a lot.

I`d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

19th Sep 2001, 21:45
Getting back to the whole John Travolta thing, apparently he had the same Italian grandmother I did, I got a good rap on the side of the head if I used the fork with right hand. What some American's don't realize is it's much more efficient to not change hands, cut with right, fork with left.

On the subject of forking, Tony, the combination spoon/fork/knive you were referring to is called a "spork." A spoon shaped object, with tines cut out to be used as a fork (or spoon) and serrated edge on left hand side. Popular in many heart clogging fast food chains here in the U.S.

However, the plastic is so flimsy it's difficult to do much damage to a french fry much less be useful as an eating utensil, so I suspect it will make it's way on to many airline food trays very shortly.

[ 19 September 2001: Message edited by: JetAgeHobo ]

tony draper
20th Sep 2001, 00:08
You must excuse Drapers cynicism Mr JAH, but one has heard these tales before.
The fully functioning spork that is supposed to be wrapped in gold leaf, inside the Ark of the Covenant,the spork manufactured from the collaped matter of a neutron star held in a blast proof steel cage at area 51.
Some piece of plastic hardly qualifies for the Rosseta stone of the cutlery inventer.
No doubt Hollywood will come up with some cinematic folderoll, full of special effects and computer graphics, showing Brad Pitt or some other spotty youth rushing out of his laboratory, holding aloft something cunningly fashioned by the effects department
that would resembles this ultimate utensil, if anyone had actually seen one.
This doubtless, he will have created all alone by the inspiration of some pop record, and the love of a good woman with big tits.
Draper does however approve of the name spork.

Mr Pulse, Draper is hurt that you should question his sanity, one supposed that a man with the benifit of a classical education such as yourself, would have know that Draper did not intend this minion of Rome to actualy set foot inside Pulse Towers.
These people are quite capable of shrieking the 13 ritual from the drive or the stable roof, when the man has done the deed one would send a servant to place the traditional bottle of whiskey in the romans hand as payment.
As I stated these people are good at this sort of thing, after all their congregations tend to be much more deeply steeped in sin than your average anglican.

[ 20 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

20th Sep 2001, 18:22
Mr Draper's vision of the Hollywood version is not so far fetched from reality I think. My experience in these things tells me the following.

Said item is invented by a Brad Pitt or Lucy Liu (if she's female) look alike. The prototype is fashioned out of the finest Sheffield stainless. And presented to the Design Master who deems it great and good.

The prototype is shown to several focus groups consisting of consumers and retail buyers, who also deem it great and good.

However, when the product costing is finished, it's discovered that the TMC (total manufacturing cost) is $172.50, resulting in a negative gross margin of 90%.

Product is given to engineering, who decide to make the product in China out of a high quality Korean plastic for about $.05, resulting in a gross margin of about positive 200%.

Spork goes into production, Chinese factory, in order to increase their profits, substitutes local raw materials which winds up to be a combination of recycled Nike outsoles and Hankook motorcycle tires ground up and mixed together in a vat over an open fire using shovels, and proceeds to make about one million pieces.

All the sporks fail in use, there is a recall. After a world wide investigation, it's discovered that the designer designed the spork with too many tines, making them too thin to be useful and engineering is blamed for the whole thing because they didn't point that out and correct the mistake. Of course engineering had pointed the problem out, but the designer, who has an ego about the size of Texas, said "don't change my design"

Unfortunately, engineering didn't save the e-mail.

20th Sep 2001, 19:51
Mr Draper,

We ordinary mortals will always confuse madness with genius. It is a cost you geniuses(?) have to bear I’m afraid. What IS the plural of genius BTW?

With your help I have actually solved the problems with the minipulses. I have read them your vivid descriptions of Northerly climes, Sunderland in particular, and threatened to send them there if they eat out of line. This is now compulsory reading at all mealtimes and, for the time being anyway, seems to be working.

Many thanks for your help and apologies for questioning your sanity.


You cannot imagine how happy it makes me to hear your story about the failure of this tool of the infidel. The airlines have to take some responsibility for undermining eating standards in their quest for profit. Is it any wonder that we have air rage when people are denied their basic right of a decent set of cutlery.

You never had air rage in the days of the Empire flying boats when a man could eat as his God intended him to. Let’s have them back.

tony draper
21st Sep 2001, 00:22
Mr Pulse if the lack of moral fiber in the young Pulses
is of concern to you, there exists in my bailywick a
fine Academy run by Major mad jack Floggem McTavish
for the instilling of disipline into the offspring of, how can
one say this and still be politicaly correct, err, the uppercrust,
Those people such as yourself who were born to lead this
once great nation of ours.
Major MacTavish is of the opinion not without some justification
one has to say, that the elite have become effete, and should
the ragged masses rise up filled with revolutionary fervour, our
issue would be unable to resist because of their exceeding weedyness.
The three year course consists of excercises designed to raise the health and
fitness of out youth to the level that the grubby classes seem to enjoy.
Chimney sweeping plays a large part, climbing up and down soot filled chimneys
from the inside wieding a brush for eighteen hours a day does wonders
for their pampered frames, combined with a diet of low calorie gruel, rids
them of excess fat,circulation is stimulated with judicious use of the ropes
end , and finaly sleeping a specially reconstructed cobbled back lane naked
improves the character no end.
Any child undergoing this excercise will return ready and willing to take on
and beat any number of the great unwashed, charge and crush any barricade
they hide their grubby bodies behind, and be all round credit to the Pulse name
should the revolution occur.
They of course undergo instruction on how to drive omni buses and railway engines
should the masses call for a general strike again.
Draper recomends this course of action to you Mr Pulse.

21st Sep 2001, 00:46
Mr Draper,

You have already helped me more than you can imagine. I am sorry to have cast aspersions on your sanity. We ordinary mortals are always slow to recognise true genius when we see it.

What I have done with the minipulses to keep them from eating out of line is to read them some extracts from your vivid description of Northern climes, especially Sunderland. Threatening to banish them to these places has, so far, stopped them in their tracks. I have now made this compulsary reading at all meal times.

Certainly, if this fails to have lasting effect, I shall be seeking further help as to the whereabouts of Major MacTavish. It sound just the thing for the wayward pulses.

Incidentally, I was so happy to hear about the failure of the Sporks. It is time that the airlines faced up to their responsibilities in keeping up good eating standards. Pressure to increase profits has encouraged a major fall in these standards and I believe this has been a major contribution to the modern disease of air rage. What do you expect when people are expected to eat without proper cutlery.

You never heard of air rage in the days of the Empire flying boats when every one dined with a full set of silverware and the right number of courses. I say they should be brought back. Travel for the masses should never be allowed if it leads to the loss of proper eating standards.

[ 20 September 2001: Message edited by: pulse1 ]

21st Sep 2001, 01:16
Meanwhile at Scots Gap Junction, signalman Arthur Cringingbelch stood rubbing his equipment with a soft cloth, the result of which would attract young boys and men to ask if they could come into his box and gaze at his well buffed equipment, and pondered, why it had been decided that trains running towards the capital, would be called UP, and trains coming away from the capital would be called DOWN?, and what happens when a train from England passes into Scotland?.

21st Sep 2001, 02:52
What is this talk of multi purpose cutlery?We must never lose our traditional values,for generations children have laughed and s******ed when asking their parents to pass the fork'n'knife across the table,i as a responsible adult do not intend to deprive my chidren and grandchidren of this undeniable pleasure,i ask you to reconsider.

tony draper
21st Sep 2001, 03:23
Fear not Mr E, the spork will always be something forever in the future,20 years down the line, like fussion power or antigravity or a cure for politicians, it is vapour hardware to use modern slang.

21st Sep 2001, 03:49
Perhaps some gritty northern pie maker could throw a few sheets of pastry and offal together to make a spork pie?

tony draper
21st Sep 2001, 04:06
Mock not the ancient art of the Pie maker
Mr H, tis a noble profession.
The pork pie could be a handy weapon in what is likely to come.

21st Sep 2001, 08:28
Surely it's railways, convention is UP line goes to London, down goes away.

Same here in Oz, UP lines go to Sydney which confuses the hell out of folk living where I do on a mountain with a rail line direct to Sydney. :eek:

21st Sep 2001, 09:18
Alas, Mr Draper, I was offered an inferior Chinese counterfiet spork just this afternoon in a noodle shop in the Wal-Mart plaza at Houjie.

I've confiscated several other counterfiet sporks and turned them to the legal department of Sporks R US.

Apparently being distributed with cattle class meals supplied by HATS.

21st Sep 2001, 09:31
Must we antipodeans again demonstrate our world leadership in matters cultural.
Have none heard of the noble SPLAYD?
That fine Australian design circa 1970 something - that successfully caters for all ethnic peccadillos called 'table etiquette'.
The spork is but a pale and failed imitation.
The SPLAYD offers the advantages of single handed action (either left or right) for the knife, fork and spoon - in the one metal utensil.
There is no wrong way of using it, so your guests are not embarrassed by their lack of social grace. A splayd is child-prof, rust-proof and washing up is reduced by two thirds.
What more can I say?

Mr Creosote
21st Sep 2001, 09:39
Mr Chips. Have to agree with you on that one. I live at Warrimoo - 3 stops down (sorry, up) the line. :D

21st Sep 2001, 11:22

I read somewhere that in the days of the Midland Railway, 'up' was the route to Derby, and 'down' was the route away from Derby. Derby was the MR's centre, with a large locomotive works, long before Rolls and Royce got together and put a very noisy fan manufacturing plant there.

In those days,prior to Empire flying boats, meals on trains were correctly cooked on board from fresh ingredients, and served with the correct silverware. This enabled the importance of the silver service to be taken into the wilds of the north east, from whence the natives of those parts could be gradually weaned from a diet of leeks, tripe, kippers and Newcastle Brown Ale.

tony draper
21st Sep 2001, 11:34
Stop it Mr R,Your making Draper hungry, you omited black pudding and stottie cake from the list of Geordie soul food.

[ 21 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Tricky Woo
21st Sep 2001, 18:34
I would give my left arm for a proper English cooked breakfast: bacon, sausages, black pudding, fried eggs, fried mushrooms, baked beans, toast. Yum. Oh yeah, also cooked tomatoes, so I can leave them at the side of my plate, as is my wont.


I might have to rethink the left arm part of the deal: it might be a bit inconvenient to eat one-handed without lots of practice. I suppose that this new-fangled spork thingy would do the trick, but it all sounds a bit 'arriviste'. These Zürichers are a bit snobby about that sort of thing.

Still on topic, sort of:

I've never met more than one genius at a time, so I've never had a requirement to pluralise the word. 'Genii' sounds like a strong contender for the job. What about the collective noun, i.e. a flock of genii? Any ideas?


Tricky Woo
21st Sep 2001, 18:40
Further unsettling news regarding the Pulp Fiction movie: every clock throughout the movie shows 4:20. Can't tell if that's in the morning or the afternoon. Ambiguous sods. I wonder if we have some sort of subliminal brain-washing going on here?

Somebody should be told.


tony draper
21st Sep 2001, 18:54
My Dictionary says Geniuses,.
A much over used word in our world now.
Nowadays any limp wristed lisping fop that hacks up a lump of cloth so it resembles a collapsed bouncy castle and drapes it around some skinny bints torso, is called a genius.
Bloody guitar players,pop singers,fiction writers movie directors, all geniuses its a much cheapened title.
Yer Einsteins and Newtons come along very rarely, don't suppose two of them have ever exsited in the same historical period, so the plural has never been needed.

BAH!! genius, Humbug!!

[ 21 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

21st Sep 2001, 20:00

I don't suppose you happened to notice whether any of the clocks were digital? Because if they are, there's a good chance that it would be morning. Although it's not impossible that all the digital clocks in the film display the time in 12-hour format, you'd expect at least one 24-hour clock in the bunch, wouldn't you?

Of course, if you don't remember, I may have to watch the film again to find out. It's a lame excuse, but it's a good film, so even a lame excuse will do....


21st Sep 2001, 20:24
Now there's another manifestation of the undermining of standards in modern society - digital clocks. Bah!! :mad: :mad:

tony draper
21st Sep 2001, 20:57
Indeed Mr P,Old Crump had been clock winder and time setter on ones estate for sixty years, his father before him, and his father before him ect ect,had to let to old boy go, one almost felt sad when the workhouse cart came to pick him up.
Seems to be no end to the numbers of old family retainers ones had to have put to sleep these last few years.

21st Sep 2001, 20:59
Flying, folks here in the U.S. don't do well with the 24 hour format, so most likely all were 12 hour format. Look for the little dot on one corner for am/pm.

A question I've allways had, if all clocks/watches/timepieces were digital, thus becoming "digital time readouts," how would you describe "clockwise, anti-clockwise."

I can't beleive I just wrote "anti-clockwise"

Got to find a BB with less Brits and more Americans, this Brit thing is rubbing off.

tony draper
21st Sep 2001, 21:21
Draper has been thinking of late that perhaps we should charge the international community for time ,after all we invented it, and the prime meridian is ours, were we to switch off greenwich, chaos would ensue.
After all if someone in California can patent some of Drapers DNA,this does not seem unreasonable, a small fee for all the historical trouble we went to.
After all Gentlemen ,we are not communists.

[ 21 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Dave Hedgehog
21st Sep 2001, 22:28
Exellent idea Mr. Draper!

And while we are at it, why not patent the sports of football (soccer to our American friends), rugby, cricket, all forms of motorsport, colours, monarchies, gold, silver, art (modern and classical), windows and cutlery. After all, we did put more than our fair share of effort into getting them where they are today!


22nd Sep 2001, 12:25
Like most of your ideas Mr Draper, absolutely brilliant. But don't we have to get it back from the Germans first? The last I heard it was rapidly crossing the North Sea lashed to a submarine.

22nd Sep 2001, 12:39
Actually there is another potential problem here. Many countries with valuable resources have become embroiled in civil wars as power factions fight for control of the resulting wealth. Just think how Scottish Nationalism has bloomed since they found the dirty, smelly black stuff in the North Sea.

I predict that, once we realised the full potential of the Greenwich meridian, the good folk of Christ's College in Oxford would rise up in rebellion. They have always insisted that the true meridian passes through Oxford and all meetings and church services start at 4 minutes passed the GMT hour. However, I am sure that your creative genius will come up with some suitable, and surreal way of sorting that out.

22nd Sep 2001, 14:20
That must indeed be so, for I have it on good authority that the dwarves of Christ Church are still to be seen every morning passing two by two silently down the street, across the face of the rose to the underground crypts to chant in unison for this very thing you speak of.
They wear proudly their Cardinal Wolsey Caps, and long black cloaks, in winter no doubt grey wolsey cardigans underneath.
Each night at ten the great voice of Old Tom speaks out reminding all good men and true, that the meridian, so fouly stolen and taken by force to Greenwich, should be returned to it's rightful place.
These chantings and tollings continue, as has the historic injustice. And they will not rest till tis so. Let the precious line be returned forthwith so that the 110 stokes cease and all good men can slumber peacefully.
As for the foul Spork you spoke on, tis the Devil's tool and must be put away, or at least made longer, if you wish to sup with Bealzibub.
I wot not though of this 'vapourware'though, for the one I beheld was of some mysterious white substance that shattered in my hand as I tried to eat the Good Colonel's delicious capon.
Genii I know not, though the Magii did come once before, long ago, and wise indeed were they. Quite unlike the uneducated illiterate unwashed masses of today. They spoke of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.(one or two it matters not),
Then lo, there arose indeed in the west, winged pigs. A sign! a sign!chanted the throng, and they joined together in worship at their individual hight tech alters in reverence to the mighty laxative damson that sweeps the land joining all together in the cause. Though I can say with good authority that many endure heavy abuse from their good ladies for so doing, for they lay aside such useful labours as the laving of the commoner eating utensils (such as we normal mortals use), the scything of the verdant pasture outside our door, or proccurement of essential vittals. Even the afformentioned supervision of the young. Either by forcing them up chimmneys or the laying on of the birchen rod both of which we have learned is the right way to bring such whelps up.
It must indeed have been such an upbringing for the good Master TD, for him to be so wise in the ways of the world. Many a tight and sooty chimmney must he have scaled in the acquisition of his knowledge, many the rod laid across his young shoulders for him to be so humble. A shining inspiration to us in the land of the wizzned fruit

tony draper
22nd Sep 2001, 16:18
We have to excercise great caution here,
should the zulu time royalty scheme prove a financial success the French, bwaaahhpptttt, Draper paused here to spit,narrowly missing small Jack russel, will have to be closely watched.
For years they have seethed with Gallic resentment at our ownership of the prime and have constantly complained that it is rightfully theirs, how they came upon this strange notion is truely baffling.
For hundreds of years their ships were afraid to venture out the mouth of the Seine and only when Jolly Jack Tar had rendered the oceans safe did they dare to do so.
They did even at one time had maps printed showing the meridian passing thru Paris of all places,and rather like their idea of claiming to be the worlds greatest mountineers
by showing Mt Everest on the maps of northern France, this also was a dismal failier.
So, should Draper's idea bare financial fruit,the French would undoubtedly allow their love of money to overcome their normal reluctance to become involved in anything even remotly dangerous.
Even now as we speak, they huddle over their bowls of onion soup,they mumble and plot and scheme,
their heads beneath their berrets filled with gallic sneakiness.
That cursed chunnel should be corked forthwith, large numbers of Irishmen should be summoned, supplied with shovels, and tasked to fill in that obscenity with all haste, for it is a offence against nature and a curse.
Read the the lines of the great Geordie bard.
penned so long ago.

This precious stone set in a silver sea,
Which serves it ,in the office of a wall
Or as a moat defensive to a house,
Against the envy of less happier lands.

[ 22 September 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Send Clowns
22nd Sep 2001, 16:58
As a Cambridge graduate (always against Oxford), former Royal Navy officer (RN college was in Greenwich) and a navigation instructor I know which side I will be on in the Meridian Wars! Greenwich forever, not just for the mean time!

One thing, if you could patent time, the patent would never run out. All you'd have to do is to adjust time so that the patent was still valid, and the royalties would come in forever!

22nd Sep 2001, 22:24
What confuses me is the damn yankees using MMDDYY format; however if you ever get permission to visit them you will find that the immigration form needs DDMMYY - why???
Incidently tricky; if you want a real english brekky (though probably you'd be better going north of the border and having a scottish breakfast) with the bonus of a horde of PPRuNes then get your booking in for the xmas gatbash

23rd Sep 2001, 00:34
Trickster, Iinteligensia of genii

There's a dot to designate whether it's morning or afternoon. Which one has the dot.

For goodness sake, dont let the French lose on time - once before they tried that an came up with a decimal system: ten seconds to the minute, ten minutes to the hour and ten hours to the day, ten days to the week, ten weeks to the month and ten months to the year - before you know it we'll all be using ten pence to the shilling and ten shillings to the pound - and what then of our guineas and florins and farthings.

23rd Sep 2001, 01:05
I`m not really a fan of the decimal system. Instead, I propose we adopt the hexadecimal system now that most of us use computers. At least that way , when asked my age, I can truthfully say that I am 32.

Tricky Woo
24th Sep 2001, 13:58
Regarding that green US Immigration form:

I've always admired those questions on the back that ask you straight whether you've ever been involved in drugs trafficking or whatever. I bet many a Columbian has been caught out by that one, huh? Clever chaps at US Immigration.

True story (probably):

In 1941, just prior to the Pearl Harbor bombing, Winston Churchill popped over to the US to try to entice 'em into the War. Prime Minister or not, he still had to complete the form. In those days there was also a question on the Immigration Form asking:

"Do you intend to undermine the Constitution of the United States of America?"

Winnie pensively tapped his pencil against his teeth for a few moments before he ticked the 'yes' box.

What a boy.


24th Sep 2001, 14:27
I took one of the minipulses flying yesterday and he asked me why there was a large Z on the clock in the Ops Centre. Why indeed, I retorted.

May I take this opportunity to encourage ALL pilots, amateur and professional, to insist that ATC throughout the world revert to GMT. Lets get back to the correct use of GMT and ban all use of degenerate names like Zulu and UTC. A campaign of non-co-operation by a large number of pilots would re-establish proper standards of time measurement throughout the world.

My company has a wordwide customer base and I have always believed that the rest of the world should use GMT, and normal working (office) hours throught the world should be 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. GMT. The benefits to our communications would surely justify the cost to our colonial friends of having to work in the dark (most of us seem to doing that anyway).

Tricky Woo
25th Sep 2001, 16:55
I feel that this thread has rather lost its way since it highlighted some important differences between the eating habits of the average Brit (neat and civilised) and those of Johnny Foreigner (clumsy and brutish).

Strange that Herr Draper was watching Travolta's eating habits while the rest of the world had their eyes pinned on Uma Thurman. Was John Travolta even in that scene? Who cares...

More eating differences: I wonder if anyone else has noticed that Japanese chopsticks are all pointy and narrow, while Chinese ones aren't pointed at all. Either way they're a sod to eat with, but Japanese chopsticks require much more precision than their Chinese competitors.

Why are they different?

I'll bet you anything that John Travolta is rubbish at eating his beansprouts with chopsticks, Japanese-style or nay.

By the way, Uma Thurman got her kit off in Dangerous Liaisons. Perfect breasts. John Malkevich did the dirty deed.


25th Sep 2001, 17:07
Now, Tricky has raised a very important subject here.

Did Juliette Binoche ever get her kit off in "The English Patient"? To be quite honest, wondering whether she would was the only item of interest for me in that thoroughly boring, dreary tale, and I suspect I fell asleep waiting...

Tricky Woo
25th Sep 2001, 17:32

I have mixed news:

Juliette Binoche remains fully clothed throughout the English Patient. There is a scene where she briefly reveals the naked skin of the back of her left hand, but she quite rightly insisted that this was done 'tastefully', with plenty of soft focus. She's got fat, hairy legs anyway.

Kristin Scott Thomas also remains fully clothed throughout that film. However, as she looks delicious in any state of dress, we'll forgive her this once. She deservedly won a prize at Cannes for the "Sexiest Portrayal of a Cadaver in Any Movie, 1999". Marvellous effort, the crowd wept with joy.

A brief glance in the movie archives reveals that Kristin did in fact successfully got her kit off in the otherwise woeful Roman Polanski movie "Bitter Moon".

We've recently discussed the breast-revealing prowess of Jenny Agutter, so we'll move on, shall we?

A personal favorate is the revelation of Greta Scacchi's magnificent breasts during the excellent Robert Altman movie "The Player". And then again in "White Mischief".

I've probably missed out on a few key movie moments, but I'm sure that someone will help me out there.

I hope this helps.


25th Sep 2001, 18:09
I've not seen either of those Greta Scacchi films... (makes mental note to head to video library)

One of my personal faves is Holly Hunter in "The Piano" - shame the rest of the movie is quite so muddy.

Any fans of Joanne Whalley out there?

25th Sep 2001, 18:26
Joanne Whalley!

Remember The Singing Detective? And that scene where she had to apply the cream, rather liberally and very thoroughly, to Michael Gambon? It excited my father for days....

Tricky Woo
25th Sep 2001, 19:13
Joanne Whalley?

How could I ever forget her timeless line in the film "No Surrender":

"Do yer fancy a f**k?"

Pal of mine is an old chum of hers, and knows her family very well. (A dubious perk of being raised in Romiley, Stockport). She happened to go and see the opening of the film with Joanne's mum and dad. When the line above was said, her mum turned to her obviously shocked father and said:

"Well, she's an artist now, in't she? They 'ave ter say stuff like tha'. It's them script-writers tha' makes 'er do it".



26th Sep 2001, 23:57
You don't by any chance mean Joan Wally, the one in 'Zulu Dawn' who in her nude scene insisted on wearing fake nipples( I believe she thought hers were asymetrical, or something). Now her line, " Sh.g me again Joe, I don't know if you will ever be back" as the hero starts putting his uniform on was reputed to have drawn tears throught the house on it's premiere

27th Sep 2001, 01:39
ALmost certainly not - I don't remember having seen the lovely Joanne in Zulu Dawn...

If you've seen "Willow", she was the warrior maiden one in that. During filming she made a very silly mistake and fell in love with Val Kilmer and married him. I gather she's seen sense and dropped him since.

27th Sep 2001, 16:38
Willow, yes I vaguely remember, but wasn't he a dwarf, not surprised it didn't last, poor chap.

29th Sep 2001, 02:46
radeng, Derby and centre, not words normally seen in the same sentence! a bit like Chesterfield and class :D!
And as for the Midland Railway's motive power department, theres a contradiction in terms for you!

3rd Oct 2001, 05:51
getting vaguely back to the topic
knives and forks
the cutlery in my flat seems to be disappearing.
i have no idea what happens to it.
maybe there is a black hole in my flat that it is being sucked into?
or perhaps the cutlery fairies come and steal it in the middle of the night?
i wonder what they would do with it :confused:
hmmm i am missing underwear as well but i think that could deserve a thread of its own :cool:

3rd Oct 2001, 07:33
Listen here, ding, we will decide when to get back to the topic, whatever it was. I was rather enjoying talk of the delightful Ms Whalley, the patrician Ms Scott-Thomas and the oft-displayed breasts of the lovely Greta.

Huggy, I strongly recommend White Mischief for its frequent depictions of said mammaries; quite delicious really.

And as for you Tricky Woo, I suspect you too must have succumbed to the admittedly overwhelming urge to fall asleep during the English Patient, as the version I saw had the aforementioned Ms Scott-Thomas's breasts and furry bits proudly on display. You'd better have another look for the sake of historical accuracy.

Now if only somebody could persuade Nigella to disrobe........ :eek: :eek:

3rd Oct 2001, 08:44
Co-incidental or what, at the bottom of the thread is flashing picture of some lady clutching an impressive beer belly and hiding her furry bits.
I believe it's one of those shock adverts about what can happen if you drink too much beer?

3rd Oct 2001, 09:35
Ah Dings, you've explained all those forks in my sock drawer. BTW did you find any socks in your cutlery drawer? If so, can I have the black ones back please? I have lots of half pairs of black socks.

As to eating utensils, I think Mr. Draper will find that our national hero, the naughty nautical navigator Horatio Nelson did in fact already invent the Knorkoon. As you know he only had one eye and one arm (Only Lady Hamilton knows or rather knew how many of his other bits remained) so he was forced to hold all his eating utensils in one hand. He devised a utensil with a combined fork and cutting edge on one end and a spoon on the other end of the handle. You can see it at the national maritime museum at Greenwich to this very day.

Oxford can have no claim to the Meridian, the Dons are notorious for their bad attitude towards scientific endevour. For years their only degrees were in the arts, imagine awarding a BA in physics for goodness sake! Greenwich is the home of British Science, at THE Observatory. Columbus may have discovered land on the other side of the Atlantic but since he thought he was near Japan he hardly qualified for membership of the Royal Institute of Navigation did he? It took British navigators supported and encouraged from Greenwich to map the world and put all the countries in their proper places on the map. The Prime Meridian is ours by right, so b*ll*cks to UTC and the zulus. GMT it is!

Through difficulties to the cinema

3rd Oct 2001, 16:46
I have a simple solution for anyone who may have to have oiks round for dinner:

Course Dish Implement

Starters Soup (any) Soup Spoon (marked as)

Main Curry&Rice (any) Fork (standard :D)

Dessert Ice Cream (any) Dessert Spoon (marked as)

This will prevent anyone knowing that you've no idea how to behave at table... :D :D :D

[ 03 October 2001: Message edited by: swashplate ]

Tricky Woo
3rd Oct 2001, 18:40
I'm getting sick of all you southerners continually trying to claim the prime meridian.

The meridian actually starts at the North Pole, slides down south over the ice cap, (causing a hunting polar bear to look up), then the North Atlantic, down through Scotland, northern England, southern England, (traversing a pint of crap southern beer), La Manche, France, the Africa continent, the South Atlantic, over a beach in Antarctica, (neatly bisecting a nesting penguin), then over t'other icecap to the South Pole.

Seems a bit churlish for Greenwich to claim the whole lot, eh?

F**king Southern puffs.


3rd Oct 2001, 22:01
Here's how I do it...
If a knife and fork are required then it is knife in the right hand, fork in the left ( being careful not to set the knife down ).
If no knife is necessary ( or was accidentally set down ) then the fork goes in the right hand ( or spoon as the case may be ).
To those that would say that one hand is for food and the other for digging around in your A#! I have some advice for you, use toilet paper and was yer friggin hands after downloading you savage!
As a side note I once had the idea to patent a cutting/eating knork but am having a little trouble with my test subjects, they keep cutting the sides of their mouths on its cerrated...serrated..sp? edges. :(
For all you spork lovers out there have a look at w w w . spork. org or is it . com?

tony draper
3rd Oct 2001, 22:17
Thought you Texicans used old Jim Bowies patented cutlery.
I heard he just copied the Tennessee Toothpick. ;) ;)

4th Oct 2001, 05:34
There is always the option of returning to medievil times and ditching the cutlery altogether....they always seemed to have extreme amounts of fun "eating, drinking, and being merry" whilst devouring chickens with their bare hands....

AND there was never the problem of lost socks in the washing machine....


4th Oct 2001, 11:55
Because modern reporting methods are better than they were all that time ago, these things come to light much more readily nowadays than they used to. Therefore, it is unsafe to make allegations such as AND there was never the problem of lost socks in the washing machine....

4th Oct 2001, 12:28
Blacksheep: You may not be aware that Oxford has never entirely adopted GMT. Christ Church, which is Oxford Cathedral as well as a college, is, they say, 5 minutes west of Greenwich, so if you turn up for the morning service at 1100 GMT you will have to wait 5 minutes until 11 am Oxford arrives!

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 13:01
Draper has a theory about the phenomena of dissapearing socks.
Because of the unique configuration of twin tub and automatic washing machines, a interlocking rapidly rotating magnetic field within these machines produces a warp in the space time continuum,socks, or should one say the individual sock has just the correct mass to be transported to a location just inside the Beta Reticulum System.
Astronomers have located a huge ball of damp socks accreteing and rapidly approaching a stella mass, once it passes a certain threshold thermo nuclear ignition will occur, unfortunatly ,socks being damp will not be consumed in this furness.
The sock ball will continue to accrete utill black hole mass is achieved and it will excede its own swarztchild radius, collapse and swallow the whole universe.
Interestingly, in keeping with the balance of spacetime, there is always a equal mass of fluff transported back to the node of spacetime exchange,ie the twin tub or auto.
This is how the universe ends not with a scream but the ultimate collape of neutronic matter, made from damp socks. :eek:
ps, the way to avoid this end will be to only place one sock at a time inside one of these machines, wash left socks one week and right sock the next week, for it seems to violate a universal law for two identical socks to be transposed at one time.

pps, for those of you that hail from Arkansas and the region around the Cumberland Gap, wash left and right socks per above instruction ,use your own judgement on the middle sock.

[ 04 October 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

4th Oct 2001, 14:23
Thanks Mr D, I'll stitch L & R on my socks tonight.

I had actually heard of this theory before.
Isn't the blue event horizon supposed to be somewhere in Glasgow?

Sockihole Street perhaps? :rolleyes:

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 14:38
Yeh Draper did publish some of this theory in another place.
One has to be cautious of plagerists, especially that bloody Hawkins chap, one word and he'll have a coffee table book out for the knuckle walkers, before you can say singularity.

Bally Heck
4th Oct 2001, 14:52
The event horizon is located at the bottom of Broughton Street in Edinburgh. In the Lost Sock launderette. Events such as this are discussed next door in the Lost Sock Diner by old bearded physics professors in chalky tweeds smoking pipes.

Bally Heck
4th Oct 2001, 14:58
So!! They don't lock automatically at 100!

tony draper
4th Oct 2001, 15:04
Well it was a long drag but the century has been reached, many deep philosophical questions have been asked and answered.
Not as swiftly as Mr Woo's record breaking high speed run, but that thread was mostly noticable for its shallowness, and refusal to discuss matters of import.
Now it will be consigned to the sigularity that exsists at the centre of the Great Dark Tower.
Perhaps a simplified and edited version will appear in the next Big Issue.

Kermit 180
4th Oct 2001, 15:08
Disappearing socks? Forks in drawers? :confused:

But has anyone seen my hubcap? :(


4th Oct 2001, 21:52
Mr Draper:

I prefer the alternate theory about socks( which also applies to cufflinks, and anything else which exists in pairs). you are of course right about the mysterious influence of the washing machine or tumble dryer. The socks exist in both states at once whilst the door is closed, i.e. as a pair and as less than a pair. When one opens the door, the probability wave collapses into reality and one discovers then and only then which state ones sock(s) are in. The same of course happens with cufflinks when kept in a drawer, pair or unpair? Both states are true until the drawer is opened (I should point out here that I keep my cufflinks in my sock drawer so it is possible that they have formed an unholy (oooops sorry Danny) alliance). If all this is sounding familiar, it is of course the theoretical work of one oddball boffin called schrodinger who imagined terrible things happening or not happening to a cat inside a container with a phial of cyanide. At least the theory when applied to socks is more humane, but is bloody annoying when one discovers that one no longer posesses a whole pair.

I don`t buy the notion that the worlds socks are busy forming a quasi stellar mass somewhere, I think it just as likely that the missing socks disappear instantaneously to other sock draws in the cosmos. This theory would account for the fact that I seem to possess odd socks which I am certain I have never seen before

4th Oct 2001, 22:14
I have found the Lost Sock Event Horizon. It's at the back of my (first and only) toolshed.

Incidentally, many many years ago my mother's washing machine had broken down, necessitating a visit by the repair chappie. Well, 'twas on a Monday morning the repairman came to call, and after he'd finished replacing the motor, my mother said to him:-

"You didn't find any odd socks in there, did you?"
He replied "No - strange, I get asked that question rather a lot..." and he departed, looking rather :confused:

Bally Heck
5th Oct 2001, 00:06
I have alerted the people at the Guinness Book of Records, just in case. Does anyone know what age the longest thread on PPRuNe lived to before it was "administered"

tony draper
5th Oct 2001, 00:21
SSSSHHHHHH.Mr H,zzzzzzzzzz, sounds of snores issuing from the Dark Tower, they may not have noticed .
Tip toes everyone. ;)

tony draper
5th Oct 2001, 00:59
Wonder if ladies used to have the same problem with stockings, ooh oooh stockings, suits you sir.
Ah! Draper was fortunate enough to inhabit that time period when the mini skirt first appeared, and stocking hadn't quite been phased out, indeed happy days, the downstairs seat next to the stairs on a double decker bus used to be a happy hunting ground for us stockinged leg and suspender appreciation society members, blows where often come to, for the right to sit in this seat.
Alas like all good things, it rapidly came to a end with the spread of those horrible tights, or pantyhose as you Americans call them,
Draper has never forgiven you people for inventing them things.
SSSHHHH, type quietly

PPRuNe Pop
5th Oct 2001, 02:42
Sorry folks, time to close this particular thread as it has reached over a hundred posts. It stops the server catching fire!

No problem though. I will leave it here, so do feel free to start another on the same subject if you wish.

PPRuNe Pop
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