View Full Version : A joke for you on St Paddys Day

18th Mar 2002, 00:06
> A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with . .> his toastmasters club. One . .> evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and . .> having a contest at who could . .> make the best toast. . .> . .> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, . .> . .> "Here's to spending the rest of me life . .> Between the legs of me wife!" . .> . .> That won him the top prize for the best toast of the . .> night! He went home and . .> told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best . .> toast of the night." She . .> said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, . .> . .> "Here's to spending the rest of me life . .> Sitting in church beside me wife." . .> . .> "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. . .> . .> The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting . .> buddies on the street corner. . .> The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the . .> prize the other night with a . .> toast about you . .> Mary." . .> . .> She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! . .> You know, he's only been there . .> twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I . .> had to pull him by the ears to . .> make him . .> come!" . .>

18th Mar 2002, 00:56
The St. patricks Day Survival Guide . .Handy info . .. .ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE . .. .St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced. . .. .Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. . .Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. . .. .The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: . .. .1 quart spring water . .1 bottle aspirin . .5 pairs Depends undergarment . .1 bottle Percocet . .1 gram morphine sulphate . .1 oz. human adrenaline extract . .1 precharged electric defibrillator . .4 Cardiac needles . .1 trauma surgeon . .. .Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. . .Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. . .. .Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf. . .. .Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. . .. .Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Killarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. . .. .Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. . .. .We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet. . .. .Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. . .. .It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." . .. .If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off". . .. .By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring. . .. .Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. . .. .By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: . .. .Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all **** -arsed, pig-****ing bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. . .. .If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular. . .. .The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing . .. .Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of 0.50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a 0.35 or 0.40 by now. . .The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. . .. .Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. . .. .By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. . .. .Tune in next month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster. . .. .blatantly copied from somewhere else. . . . <small>[ 17 March 2002, 21:03: Message edited by: Im Not ]</small>

18th Mar 2002, 09:04
Can any American PPRuNer tell us the answer to this question:. .. .Why do American policemen like to dress up in green suits and march through the streets behind a Scottish Pipe Band, playing Scottish music on three-drone (i.e. Scottish) Great Highland Bagpipes every Saint Padraighs day in order to pretend that they are really Irishmen and not Yanks? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" /> . .. .Meanwhile, over in Ireland, St. Patricks day goes unremarked.. .. .**********************************. .Through difficulties to the cinema

18th Mar 2002, 21:03
Speaking of which, there was an interview on Radio 4 the other day with a spokesman from the New York Fire Department. Apparently the FD and the Police were refusing to march in the St Patrick's Day parade this year because the man chosen to lead the parade was a convicted IRA terrorist.. .. .Call me synical, but I wonder if their attitude would have been the same if Sep 11 had not happened?. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" /> . .edited 'cos I just remembered how to spell cynical! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 18 March 2002, 18:24: Message edited by: MightyGem ]</small>

tony draper
18th Mar 2002, 23:13
That has to be the most outrageous plagerism ever to occur on Pprune Mr S. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

18th Mar 2002, 23:18
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> ... completely unintentional - it was sent to me by a colleague (and of course, I failed to READ the first post!).... I am deleting my attempt in disgust. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 18 March 2002, 19:20: Message edited by: sanjosebaz ]</small>

Celtic Emerald
20th Mar 2002, 23:43
True story about a group of Irish lads chatting among themselves in a bar in New York. They were overheard saying they were going to get some 'craic'. (Irish for 'fun' & pronounced 'crack' as in crack cocaine). Someone thought they were going off to get stoned on drugs & reported them to the police who promptly came on scene. Luckily an Irish/American cop came on the scene & they were able to explain to a fully comprehending & very amused yank copper what they really mean't & avoided the slammer.. .. .Emerald

Lima Xray
21st Mar 2002, 23:08
Two ducks flying over Belfast... . .. .One says 'Quack!' . .The other says 'I'm goin as quack as I can bejeezus.'