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Bandit *bob*
8th Aug 2001, 04:42
NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH................

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up
ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard
box and a draft dodger live in the White House

Says it all.......

bob :p

Luca_brasi
8th Aug 2001, 04:56
Very funny and so true, but didnt i see this on here before but under only in Britain?? Or was that an email my friends sent??

Boh'ban
8th Aug 2001, 05:38
This is a bit long but worth it.
This was an actual letter sent to Ryan De Vries from The Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response - but read the entire letter before you get to the response. This is SO hilarious...except when you realise that it's true.

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. De Vries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm, County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, InlandLakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English) - be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt
these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State, I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy or once again both the Spring Pond Beavers and I will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your day office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe some day it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

pigboat
8th Aug 2001, 06:16
That'll learn 'em to mess around with our National Rodent! :)
Check out this site from the UK http://www.bertiethebeet.co.uk

airbourne
9th Aug 2001, 05:50
Weird American Law!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Utah

It is against the law to fish from horseback.

When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.

It is illegal not to drink milk.

It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

Birds have the right of way on all highways.

A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.

It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

If you want more go to www.dumblaws.com