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sanjosebaz
15th Mar 2002, 23:09
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.. .Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.. .Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.. .Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.. .. .Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.. .Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.. .Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.. .Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.. .. .Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.. .Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.. .Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.. .Aussies: Export all their [email protected] programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. . .. .Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.. .Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.. .Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.. .. .Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.. .Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.. .Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.. .Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.. .. .Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English.". .Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English.". .Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.. .Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say.. .. .Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. . .Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. . .Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.. .Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.. .. .Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.. .Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.. .Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.. .Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.. .. .Americans: Drink weak, p!ssy-tasting beer.. .Canadians: Drink strong, p!ssy-tasting beer.. .Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting p!ss.. .Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.. .. .Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.. .Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.. .Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.. .Aussies: Wallow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.. .. .Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.. .Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.. .Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.. .Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.. .. .Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.. .Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.. .Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.. .. .Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it. . .Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it. . .Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less. . .Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means. . .. .Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.. .Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.. .Americans: Think that these people are American!. .Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour.. . . . <small>[ 15 March 2002, 19:13: Message edited by: sanjosebaz ]</small>

pigboat
16th Mar 2002, 01:07
I didn't know Yahoo Serious is from Oz.

sanjosebaz
16th Mar 2002, 01:37
Don't shoot the messenger! ... But I just looked him up on good ole google, and he's from Hunter Valley near Newcastle, Australia.

AerBabe
16th Mar 2002, 01:58
Who IS Yahoo Serious? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="confused.gif" />

Flintstone
16th Mar 2002, 03:29
Who is Yahoo Serious?!. .. .You know. 'Young Einstein' and all that.. .. .Tut, tut.

ImNot
16th Mar 2002, 04:05
Is he taken seriously?

Send Clowns
16th Mar 2002, 04:22
Is Yahoo Serious? I thought it was only a mild complaint <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="confused.gif" />

Bailed Out
17th Mar 2002, 03:35
SANJOSEBAZ. .. .“Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.. .Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.. .Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.”. .. .Thanks for the idea, We could hire some Irish to dig a fork in the Channel Tunnel and erect a sign which could read…...... .. .Turn left for “Justice and liberty” or “Multi-cultural Harmony” just hope the bill for half of Eastern Europe, Africa and the Middle East isn’t too much for the righteous.

ImNot
17th Mar 2002, 06:35
Would you be going from England to France or France to England when you see this sign?

Bailed Out
17th Mar 2002, 06:51
turn left might be a clue

ImNot
18th Mar 2002, 15:00
Did you just feel a rush of air? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="rolleyes.gif" />

under_exposed
18th Mar 2002, 15:32
ARE YOU AN AMERICAN? . .Questionnaire. .. . . . 1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How. . do you break the news you are leaving?. . . . (a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away. . (b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision. . (c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up. . inbreds on national television.. . . . 2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What. . do you need to take?. . . . (a) A ball. . (b) A ball and 2 coats. . (c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a. . marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a. . trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal. . injuries.. . . . 3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a. . rabbit. What do you do?. . . . (a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is. . still alive. . (b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died. . quickly. . (c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering,. . whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.. . . . 4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an. . awkward position. What do you do?. . . . (a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses. . (b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.. . (c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in. . an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming. . about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.. . . . 5. What do you have for breakfast?. . . . (a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea. . (b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee. . (c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny. . side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs. . and a diet root beer.. . . . 6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What. . sort of ceremony do you have?. . . . (a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office. . (b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel. . (c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas,. . presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.. . . . 7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming. . disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?. . . . (a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.. . (b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a. . youth club.. . (c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic. . weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.. . . . 8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of. . comedy do you choose?. . . . (a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted. . (b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show. . (c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the. . audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a. . superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight. . wisecrack.. . . . 9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's. . dressing table. What do you do?. . . . (a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt. . (b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again. . (c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue. . your wife's ass.. . . . 10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. do. . you:. . . . (a) Count all votes and declare a winner. . (b) Count all votes and declare a winner. . (c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then. . count only the votes which have been handed in by a. . deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of. . nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy. . 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just. . one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be. . amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the. . deadline by another 3.2 seconds;. . then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the. . judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling. . other countries how to run their own elections.. . . . . . Answers.... . If you answered:. . . . mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.. . mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the. . anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of you pick-up truck.

con-pilot
18th Mar 2002, 23:02
under-exposed, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.. .. .It is very obvious that you have never visited the United States, let alone lived there. Well I have lived in England and still return to England on a very frequent basis. I’m sure that you think ‘ARE YOU AN AMERICAN’ is very funny, ha, ha.. .. .Well let’s see how well you can handle it if the shoe is on the other foot? Now remember this is all in jest, right, no hurt feelings?. .. .ARE YOU ENGLISH?. .. .1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?. .. .(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away.. .(b) Calmly discuss the reason with your partner for your decision.. .(c) Just move out and move in with another bird and live on the dole.. .. .2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?. .. .(a) A ball.. .(b) A ball and 2 coats.. .(c) A ball and a 100 or so English football fans to beat the crap out anyone that’s not English.. .. .3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?. .. .(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if is still alive.. .(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.. .(c) Pick up the rabbit and take home to the wife and tell her that the dead rabbit is her birthday present because you spent all your money at the pub drinking with your mates.. .. .4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?. .. .(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.. .(b) Take a couple of aspirin and get on with things. . .(c) Go to your pub and drink yourself senseless as you do everyday, which is why you have a stiff neck to start with.. .. .5. What do you have for breakfast?. .. .(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and mug of tea.. .(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of tea.. .(c) Half a dozen bangers, beans on toast and a couple of pints.. .. .6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?. .. .(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.. .(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.. .(c) A get together at the local with all your mates while she and her friends stand outside. . .. .7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?. .. .(a) Don’t worry. It’s a just a phase and will pass.. .(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.. .(c) Take him to the local pub, get him p!ssed. Then teach him how to pull down fences and use the post to beat the crap out of any football fan that is not English.. .. .8. You fancy a night watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?. .. .(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted.. .(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast Show.. .(c) A show about a family of fat slobs on the dole that spend all their time at the pub or sitting at home watching TV. (the Royle Family) (or for that matter what about Benny Hill). .. .9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife’s dressing table. What do you do?. .. .(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it didn’t hurt.. .(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn’t happen again.. .(c) Can’t happen to you, because you sold your wife’s dressing table to buy beer for your mates at the pub.. .. .10. England is having another General Election, because the party that won the last election can’t get anything done. How you will vote is dictated by the following.. .. .(a) You study all the issues and vote for the party that best represent your views as a capitalist. . .(b) You study all the issues and vote for the party that best represent your views as a socialist.. .(c) You vote for whatever party will keep you and your birds on the dole.. .. .Answers…. .If you answered:. .. .Mostly (a)s & (b)s then you are a normal well- balanced individual. Mostly (c)s then do the world a favor and get your head split open in a football riot.. .. .Remember, this is all in fun.. .. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 18 March 2002, 19:58: Message edited by: con-pilot ]</small>

ImNot
19th Mar 2002, 00:18
I resemble that remark.. .. .Right lads...down the pub? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="smile.gif" />

somewhatconcerned
19th Mar 2002, 00:51
Priceless Con.. .That ones going on the group mailing list. Subject 'ooops I think we've upset them'.. .. .No. 3 was a bit harsh, Rabbit makes good eating round these parts. Nice little stew for when we get back from the pub.. .. .Oi...who spilled my pint

Bailed Out
20th Mar 2002, 04:52
Con-pilot, Don't forget your ancestors were English; else you’re an immigrant. Only other alternative is a native but I thought they’d been killed off years ago!. . . . <small>[ 20 March 2002, 00:59: Message edited by: Bailed Out ]</small>

Blacksheep
20th Mar 2002, 09:32
Mostly 'C's con-pilot, even though I'm not proper English. . .. .I agree with somewhatconcerned about question three. I'd have eaten the b*gger too. Another bummer is that question five. I'd never nibble a little snack like that for breakfast, I prefer a man's meal. What about the slab of black pudding, two fried eggs, five rashers of green bacon and the 'doorstep' of bread and dripping that go with the bangers and beans? We didn't conquer the world on such skimpy breakfasts - only TWO pints!! Good God man, only women are limited to two pints for breakfast! . .. .**********************************. .Through difficulties to the cinema

Gunner B12
20th Mar 2002, 10:10
God forbid we get an Aussie version!!!!. .. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="tongue.gif" />

under_exposed
20th Mar 2002, 13:52
con-pilot , Blacksheep is right - you need the rest of the breakfast. But Blacksheep is wrong about two pints being too low, Two pints of Gin is fine for breakfast.. .. .I have visited the US several times and find no problem with Americans, but that will not stop me taking the p'ss.. .. .Looking at your description of us you must have visited Liverpool:. .. .Dear Deirdre, The Sun Newspaper.... .. .I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.. .. .I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.. .. .I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.. .. . . .. .My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser ?

The Nut Behind The Wheel
20th Mar 2002, 15:40
Three Generals on board a troopship in WW2. One a yank, one a pom, one an aussie. They are discussing how brave each troops are:. .Yank General- I'll prove how brave our GI's are!Kowalski- climb up the crow's nest and throw yourself off. Kowalski does so, with a horible splat.. .Pom General- I say old fellow, that is quite impressive, however, I do believe our lads can prove that we British are ahead of that game. Jones, Smith- over here. I want you both to climb up on top of the bridge and throw yourselves off. Up they go, and over they go- thud + blood.. .Aussie- That's nothing! I'll show you bravery! Bluey, come over here. I want you to get up on the radar housing, and dive off onto the foredeck.. .Bluey- with all due respect Sir, you can go and F*#k yourself!. .Aussie General- see, I told you that diggers are the bravest. .. .Touche

Who has control?
20th Mar 2002, 15:49
Hey Con, thats very good. Not original, but still very good. What else can you copy? . .Can't take a joke, shouldn't have joined.

DX Wombat
20th Mar 2002, 17:44
Underexposed, you will probably find the answers to your problems a little more quickly if you post in the Agony Aunt forum. (I would have posted some of those little Graemlins here but there aren't any to post today EEK!)

con-pilot
20th Mar 2002, 18:49
Actually Who Has Control the original questionnaire was titled “How to tell if you are a redneck.” Somebody changed it to the American thing. Most of the responses from my English cousins show that my changes were taken as I proposed, in jest. Obviously some people couldn’t handle the shoe being on the other foot.. .. .My heritage, if anyone cares, on my father’s side is French, Scottish and Norwegian. My mother’s side is German, Scottish and native American (Indian). My wife is Irish Italian. Yes she is red headed and yes I walk very carefully.. .. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

Biggles Flies Undone
20th Mar 2002, 19:11
In an effort to deflect attention from the current Anglo-Septic tension in this thread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> here's another of the 'who is best' comparisons..... .. .Two Aussies, Bruce and Mick, are working on a building site in Sydney. Bruce turns to Mick and says "Cawww I've gotta take a pi$$, but there’s nowhere to go mate". . .. ."Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick, "I'll stand on this end and balance it". .. ."Are You sure Mick ?". .. ."Yeah, no worries". .. ."100% ?". .. ."Yeah !". .. .So out goes Bruce to take a pi$$ and the lunch siren sounds.. .. .Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank and Bruce is a goner.. .. .Several months later an Englishman, Australian and a Frenchman are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.. .. .Baz, the English guy, says "I've been known to miss a pi$$ up session down the pub with my mates trying to get my leg over a good looking bit of totty!". .. .Pierre says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest and give them gifts of love like French champagne to win zeir affection, it is us for sure". .. .Wazza, the Ozmate, laughs and says "No, you blokes are both wrong, it’s Australians. The other day I was walking past a building site in Sydney following these two gorgeous looking Sheilas, and this bloke comes plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming "CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!". .. .....I'll get my coat...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" />

jaffad
21st Mar 2002, 00:25
Going up to an immigaration desk at Sydney Airport. Passport Officer "...and do you have a criminal record?".. ."No, sorry pal, didn't realise you still needed one to get in. I'll get me coat!"