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the wizard of auz
5th Aug 2001, 12:57
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGO's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV cmmercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
:D :D :D

captainowie
5th Aug 2001, 15:40
Brilliant *wipe tear from eye* just brilliant :D

sprocket
5th Aug 2001, 15:56
:D

Baggy
5th Aug 2001, 16:54
The best kids are the ones that you can give back when they start experimenting with the above list!

You splitter
5th Aug 2001, 17:18
Too right!!! The joys of unclehood and not fatherhood :D

Feeton Terrafirma
5th Aug 2001, 18:38
ROFLMAO!!!


I have learn't most of these things also. Not to mention:

A Cat can throw up and run all over the house at the same time, despite being dizzy.

Budgies released from their cage will land on the wood heater (till their feet smoke)

superballs will pentrate glass

remote control vehicles will always hit your ankle

you can tell that the kids put their toys away if you are the next person to open the toy cupboard (and survive the avalanche)

Skateboards get jammed under the middle of a car

Riding a BMX bike anywhere near a valuable car will result in scratched paint

Flour, sugar, rice, and Corn Flakes can all leap randomly from a pantry and cover the floor with no assistance from any children present

Rubber should not be used as a fuel in the wood heater

[ 05 August 2001: Message edited by: Feeton Terrafirma ]

GoGirl
6th Aug 2001, 04:00
Bwaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha Wiz aaaaaand Feeton!!!!

I KNOW you are actually speaking from real experiences FEETY :eek: :D :D :D


Kids.....gotta love em ;)

GG

jumpseater
6th Aug 2001, 07:49
Loud crashing noises from upstairs, and the phrase 'I don't know' are irrevoccably linked!.

Why does the simplest of domestic accidents always look as though the parents have tried to kill the child by the time you get to the doctors?

And whoever invented the question 'why?' should be made to explain to a four year old what 'why?' means!

coco-nuts
6th Aug 2001, 07:54
the truancy department loves my wife and i.they are always calling us in.
my 5 yr old boy always seems to have a nagging cold,or some sort of ailment which prevents him from walking to the car to be taken to school.
my 8 yr old girl only goes to school from tuesdays to thursday; the queens birthday weekends usually lasts the duration of the school yr with her.
my 13 yr old girl actually goes to school because the boys are good looking in her class.
my 14 yr old boy wants to be like his uncle,stay at home and get paid.
what can i say but the joy.im actually glad that i get out of the house about half the month but i feel for the missus who has put up with such.
to all the mothers in the world....i salute you!
coco

Kermit 180
6th Aug 2001, 10:12
Ah, I remember doing those things. How I hate growing up.

Feeton, that skateboard wasnt what brought down the mighty HSV was it?

Kermie :p

Feeton Terrafirma
6th Aug 2001, 14:11
Yes GG! Absolutely personal experience! <wonders off shaking head, wondering why I EVER had kids>


And Kermit, no mate, it turned out to be the oil filter. The dealer fitted the wrong one at the last service a few weeks ago. Now I'm going to ream his a...........

the wizard of auz
6th Aug 2001, 14:51
Gogirl, I have four of the little buggers(then someone told me what was causing it) so I have a very good idea as well.......true its not my list but I have a very similar one.
feets, old mate you should be thanking that guy. now you dont have to be seen in that heap of sh!t. We bought four of them as company cars....brand new....never got a decent run out of one of them. the first one had to go back for a diff on the third day after we got em (didnt even do one burn out yet) :D

John Eacott
6th Aug 2001, 15:04
Then there are teenagers:

A packet of TimTams can be found at the back of the cupboard, even when 'lost' behind 16 cans of unused vegetables.

A packet of TimTams can be reduced to one biscuit, without anyone in the house knowing anything about anything.

There is never any change from any paper (read Polymer, how time marches on..) money, regardless of the cost of the item purchased.

Computer hard drives are built to download 10% more than their advertised total capacity from music sites.

It's cool to drive the HSV with L plates, but only if the rest of year 12 get to know about it.

If they're not enjoying the overseas skiing holiday, NOBODY is to enjoy the holiday.

"Guess what, Jason's Mum & Dad gave him his Mum's Mercedes for his 18th birthday. Gosh, isn't HE lucky. My 18th is only two months away, in October........."

Can you top up my mobile phone account, it's running low.

That's only the past few month's worth of gems :D

min
7th Aug 2001, 05:13
I'm surprised the TimTam's made it into the cupboard in the first place...!!

Teenagers...gotta love 'em. Favourite catch cry seems to be..."You're so UNFAIR!"

For those of you who'd like to experience the joys of them first hand, I'm willing to loan mine to you for an extended period....the only thing I ask in return is a college education. I'm sure it will be an uplifting experience...!

M.

OldAg84
7th Aug 2001, 07:10
All three made it to the emergency room this vacation!

One broken bone and some stitches later....

Chimbu chuckles
7th Aug 2001, 09:24
Or the latest 'cool' saying?

Ooohhh DAD! You're so GAY!!!!!

:confused: Yeah?????...So how the hell did YOU get here!!!

Chuck.

Thoroughly enjoying being a fulltime Dad again afer an 8 yr hiatus as a part time batchelor :cool:

John Eacott
7th Aug 2001, 10:40
CC,

You too? That one's been a favourite saying here for a while, goes down like a dunny rat most of the time.... ;)

min
7th Aug 2001, 12:16
ahh...so I can be expecting something along similar lines sometime soon then....does it apply equally to females, I wonder...time will tell..!

Evo7
7th Aug 2001, 12:44
:) So true. I'd just add

3a A 1 year-old's voice is even louder than her 3 year-old brother.... :eek: :o

Craig Pollard
8th Aug 2001, 10:01
One thing I have learnt from mine.

A small amount of Poo can be spread a VEEEERRRYYYYY LOOOOOONNNNGGGGG WWWAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! :eek: :eek:

Bugger it let's just paint the whole house that colour....... :D

Avtrician
8th Aug 2001, 12:35
Girls are worse (especialy teenagers). They wont give you a cuddle or a hug any more, unless iis to ask sortly after if they can have $50.00 to go shopping/partying with their friends. At the same time can you drive us there. No not to the local super market complex but the other one sixty mile away on the other side of the City. and Why cant ten of us get into the car??? They got twenty into a VW on tele last night. :mad: :eek: :confused: :rolleyes:

nasa
9th Aug 2001, 06:29
I got me six of the darlings (Must admit to two wives tho) ranging from 23 to 6. You wanna compare notes :D

1.....A child will always get middle ear infection from the pool/surf, but will not become apparent until 2am Monday morning.

2.....SICK appears to be the latest for GROUSE (shows age)

3.....Skateboards/bikes/footballs/soccer balls/toys in general, are meant to be left outside to the elements until stuffed, and generally when replacement prices are at their highest

4.....Four boys (10 down to 6) will always start a fight at the local skateboard ramp, if not with other kids, then with themselves

5.....The weight of a child is directly proportionate to the football/soccer boots they are wearing

6.....A child will only become involved in an outside activity, (soccer, football, nippers) if the other children have activities at the same time, on the same day, on the other side of the universe

7.....Soccer games are scheduled to be played in four different locations, at the same time on the same day

8.....18 year old daughters only know how to say "I love you" just after/prior to asking for a car

9.....Daughters will fall in love/become engaged, 52 times a year

10....Bikes only scratch V8 Commodore, Belina Wagons, just after having been detailed

11....Broken Bones, cuts, scratches, abrasions, colds, deseases and any ailments known to mankind, must be experienced at least once by each child, usually, 1 week apart.

12....Re 11.....these must of course be passed on to the parents

13....The next door neighbours EXTREMELY Vintage cars are good targets to throw rocks at

14....The gutter at the bottom of the hill is to stop the skateboard, after you have crossed the road

15....4am is the best time to get up to play the Sony/Internet Games, but is also the best time to fight over who's turn it is

16....Carpet is a base for holding, toys, cloths, softdrink, food, mud, grass, dog hairs etc etc etc

17....A Blue Heeler can outpace 4 kids on bikes, wielding sticks held under the arms, lance fashion

18....A Blue Heeler can cover all five bedrooms of a house in two minutes flat, but only at 4am

19....A Blue Heeler only dives in the pool when there are twenty kids in it.....and then gains access to the house thru the brick wall somehow

20....Homework can only be done in the car on the way to school, 'cause they just remembered it

21....Our house is truly multi cultural....we have the following living there:-.....Hedidit, Idonknow, Notme, Donlikeit, Myturn, and of course, the most popular, Shaddupp, usually called 42 octaves above Pavaroty's best.

You gotta luv 'em :eek: :rolleyes: :D ;)

GoGirl
9th Aug 2001, 12:10
Hahahahaha Nasa :D :D

Very good my friend....and to think, if I'd been a few years younger...I could well have gone to school with your Kids :eek:

On second thought, it really doesn't bare thinking!!!

Very funny Mate :D
Cheers
GG

nasa
10th Aug 2001, 04:02
Oh for crying out loud GG.....watta yu trying to do.....make me feel old.

It's bad enough having a 23 year old daughter that works in the Aviation Industry, and everyone ask if she is any relation to me.....After answering yes, the usual response goes along the lines of:-....."Didn't know he was that old".....makes her feel happy I can tell you.....NOT
:mad: :rolleyes: :eek: :D

captainowie
12th Aug 2001, 14:47
Ok, someone had better defend the kids here; after all, they’re the next generation!

These are the things that I learned from adults when I was growing up

1. “No” is the answer to almost all primary questions.
2. The phrase “Because I said so” is the answer to all secondary questions.
3. No matter what you are doing, if you are having fun, there is always an excuse for an adult to stop you from doing it.
4. The family unit is not a democracy, but a tyranny.
5. Any rules/restrictions enforced on the eldest child, gets progressively eased with each successive child, until it is disregarded completely for the youngest in the family.
6. One change of clothes is (apparently) not enough for a weeklong holiday.
7. Adults are tremendously interested in boring things like auctions, weddings, family gatherings etc.
8. It is possible to really annoy an adult, simply by trying to help.
9. Any time (other than scheduled meal times) that you are hungry, the only food that you are allowed to eat is bread and/or fruit.
10. You get into trouble for eating all the bread.
11. You can get into trouble for almost anything, even if it’s beyond all reasonable control.
12. You can bring home the crappiest art project in the class, and it will still be guaranteed a place on the fridge.
13. It is possible for an adult to completely ignore a young child, although they will dispute this vigorously.
14. Finally, I learned how to raise a family. Thanks Mum and Dad, I appreciate it.

Feeton Terrafirma
12th Aug 2001, 15:33
Well thought I was a slow learner. It took 3 kids before I figured it out. Wiz is even slower!! 4 kids and then he had to be told where they came from. Then there is Nasa. 6 kids? cherrrrist! And to prove it was no accident, 2 wives. Now thats one masochistic SOB.

And who would be crazy enongh to let a learner near a HSV? I don't even let my 19 yr old in the front seat, let alone drive it!

Loki
12th Aug 2001, 16:24
Two lessons from a few years back:

DO NOT enter a small childs bedroom at night when barefoot....the carpet is usually littered with "accretions" of sharp cornered LEGO.

And:

The contents of the spaghetti jar when spilt onto a tile floor make excellent roller bearings, and the far wall of the kitchen arrives too quickly to enjoy the ride.

Currently:

Teenagers sense of time is curiously distorted, their idea of "daytime" being 1330hrs to 0330hrs

[ 12 August 2001: Message edited by: Loki ]

headset
12th Aug 2001, 19:49
:D :D :D
Maxwell Smart (remember him from Get Smart)
said "Adopt at 18 and then kick them out - at least you can say you had kids!"

:cool:

Avtrician
13th Aug 2001, 10:43
Flying_Circus

Your observations are remarkably accuate, and I dont appreciate being reminded of these facts.

I'm the Dad and what I say goes, even though I may be wrong ( but I cant be because I'm the Dad), unless of course The Mum gives her opinion, in which case she is right not me. ;)

nasa
14th Aug 2001, 16:35
I feel it only fair that I balance the ledger with a few of the better times of having kids.

1…..There’s nothing more enjoyable than seeing your kid/kids in front of the school at assembly receiving an award for debating, maths, their project, etc etc.

2…..The joy of seeing them master a task (like avoiding the Belina with the bike :D)

3…..To watch them as they body surf down at Kings Beach

4…..To see the progress over the years in their educational standards, You know, to go from “the cat sat on the mat” to reading the four Harry Potter books

5…..Sitting beside them in Nambour Hospital as they get their arm/leg in plaster, leg/head/hand stitched :D

6…..See them in their first job

7…..Go thru the trials and tribulations of their various loves

8…..The cuddles early in the morning and before bed each nite

9…..Getting beaten by your ten year old son on the Par 3, 8th at Glenview

10….And this is my personal favourite, watching your 7 year old son chasing down his opponent at soccer and instead of taking the ball off him, runs along side of him and then pipes up with G’day, how’s it going…..Breaks me up :D :D

OK, Now that I’ve done the soppy part, I have to tell you FT, that at first I was told to get a TV, but that didn’t stop the kids coming. Then I was told to buy a Video, but no one warned about the Videos that can come with it, and so they kept on coming. Finally found out how to stop it, and I don’t intend to go into that here :D :D :D

OldAg84
14th Aug 2001, 17:32
nasa,

I see your point- and as they say in poker- I'll raise you a few.

-Watching the big sister teach her little brother how to ride a two-wheeler

-watching the 4 year old ride a two-wheeler after about 30 secs.- I was impressed

-see any of them do something nice for somebody w/o asking

-seeing the dog in a lap getting her ears scratched as the watch TV

-picking out lunch boxes for school

-baking cookies with any of them

-a refrigerator full of art work

-all three of them in bed during a thunderstorm

-watching the 9 year-old build something from scratch- and have it work (Dad, do you have another battery I can use?)

-extra hugs at bedtime

-and along the lines of your last- during a soccer game "Dad, what kind of plane is that?" "Watch the ball buddy-watch the ball!"

Tricky Woo
14th Aug 2001, 19:37
This is all very charming and heartwarming. I think I've leave you lot to propagate the species.

TW

OldAg84
15th Aug 2001, 00:56
Jeez- Tricky- You're right, I can't believe I got that sickly sweet- on PPrune, no less.

;) Thanks for keeping me in line.

nasa
15th Aug 2001, 06:23
OA84.....Yeah, agreed. Our problem is the skydivers (thanks Tibor). Bloody kids spend more time watching the "temporary citizens" than the game.

OK....OK.....not so much the fact that it's on PPRUNE, it's more that it's in Jeblast :D

Thanks Tricky, but I feel that I've done more than my fair share of propagating the species ;) ;)

biggles mate
15th Aug 2001, 15:09
Then there is my eight year old grand daughter when after a very old family member passed away she asked me why they died I replyed because they where very old darling I said.She looked up at me hugged my leg and said,"but poppy you are old and I don't want you to die" In the eyes of eight year old I spose 43 is old . Out of the mouths of babes. :eek:

angels
15th Aug 2001, 15:43
Another Law involving kids. The jet of vomit stops just as you arrive at the toilet bowl.
If you've just had a 1200 quid lighter shade of carpet laid, the bulk of the vomit will be upon it.
Sadly, I've got the t-shirt....

John Eacott
15th Aug 2001, 15:49
Feeton,

What a misery. It's only a car......

2nd Grange, Series 2, due for delivery 15th Sept. TWO kids on L plates since the last post, won't life be fun. At least they don't want to drive the aircraft. Yet :D

Avtrician
22nd Aug 2001, 13:36
OldAg84 I see your 4YO on the bike , and raise with taking to hospital to have his chin stiched after he crashed into the foot path. :rolleyes:

clutchcargo
23rd Aug 2001, 09:28
Avtrician, me ole mate...I see your visit to the hospital and raise you a return to the hospital after the stitches, as said 4YO got back on the bike and came off 10 mins later -this time breaking their arm.

Nurse had the cheek to ask if I had a frequent visitors card. (this was the 5th time that week and we always got the same nurse).

;) ;)

Avtrician
23rd Aug 2001, 12:10
4YO now 13 and doing the skate board thing, I'm just waiting for him to raise the stakes :D

Avtrician
24th Aug 2001, 09:58
16YO Daughter wont give poor old dad a hug and cuddle any more, not unless she wants money to go shopping. :rolleyes:

collective bias
24th Aug 2001, 10:43
Great reading guys...
3 under 5 personally... :eek:
I also have discovered what causes it and also that the surgury required can be done with your workboots still on.....or maybe thats just in the territory(another time...

Points to note for new fathers...

1. 2 door cars are not convientient. Fullstop.
2. When they need to go #1's - stop the 2 door ASAP
3. When in the 2 door and they fall asleep - apply nappy ASAP
4. You can hose out carseats.
5. You cannot hose out the car...
6.After a while you grow accoustomed to the smell in the car. This is why your mates now reject your offers of a lift to work.
6. When your child says they have a sore tummy, projectile vomit is +/- 2 mins to run.
7. Treasure them when they are little....they are the most beautiful thing in the world. Even at 2 in the morning...
:)

Avtrician
27th Aug 2001, 10:46
Young Daughter leaning out of car (I was stopped at the time chatting to a Policeman about the proper speed to cross Oz at) and sees me talking and immediately starts crying 'What are you doing to my daddy'

Policeman dropped the speed at which I was clocked and reduced the fine, let me go on my way. I guess he figured that I was being punished enough by travelling on my own with two kids accross the continent (Three days at a good clip) :cool: :cool:

nasa
27th Aug 2001, 17:41
Ah, it gets better and better…..Nuther set of Xrays, trying to catch a football this time. Put up a decent “bomb” and #1 son tried to catch it with upward facing hand. Yep. No break but strained ligaments.

#3 & 4 sons both sporting various abrasions due to soccer/skateboard.

Been a quiet week actually. Sheeet. It’s only Monday…..
:eek:

OldAg84
27th Aug 2001, 17:44
Just this weekend, driving to a soccer game, 9 year old, "Dad, is this one of your long shortcuts?"

John Eacott
28th Aug 2001, 06:03
Regular weekend drive to the snow for 16 year old snowboarder (only 4 hours each way..).

Driving home last Sunday, with said 16 year old first time on the freeway, on L plates.

"I've got TWO police cars behind me, so I'll slow down to the speed limit until they turn off"

Dunno where he gets it from ;)

Time Bomb Ted
28th Aug 2001, 10:42
What about:

The brown submarine in the bathtub can sink.
Cats don't like pencils rammed up their date.
One cat swipe is worth 4 stitches.
Some childrens pee can reach the ceiling.
Children doing their own haircut can be considered a fashion statement.
A matchbox car is as dangerous to an adult as a real car.

nasa
10th Sep 2001, 05:30
Nuther Monday comes around, #1 son, Left Arm in plaster with broken wrist.....heard to say as going down to get XRays, "Yep, I reckon that fence is 2 metres high" :eek:

BlueDiamond
10th Sep 2001, 19:54
And what parent or adult relative has not learned to live in fear of that most cursed of school activities .... Show and Tell.

Background (1) Mr. BlueDiamond was contracting to the state government and his office was established in one of the major prison complexes.

Background (2) I was with the federal government and engaged in counter-terrorist driver training.

Small niece was aware that Uncle BD spent a great deal of time at the prison and that Auntie BD did interesting things with fast vehicles.

Small niece's mum arrived late one afternoon for a cuppa, apparently suffering a major fit of the giggles. "What's so funny?" I asked.

It turns out that when she went to pick up Small Niece from school it had been Show and Tell day. Since Small Niece had not brought anything, she had decided to do a "Tell" and it was about this that the concerned teacher had cornered my sister in law and questioned her closely.

So what was the problem? Small Niece had announced to the class, "My uncle lives in a prison and my auntie drives a getaway car."

:eek:

the wizard of auz
15th Sep 2001, 14:14
Hey Blue diomond, have we met?, I was once employed as a tech/pilot for a mob called ISSI outa perth.

Avtrician
18th Sep 2001, 12:24
I forget what I was going to say, I thik my kids are making me feel old but I just dont remember. :rolleyes:

Oh well, at least this puts the thread back to the top :p