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View Full Version : 34 Jokes probably seen before, but good anyway


Justforkix
14th Mar 2002, 14:48
Subject: Airline Announcements. .. .Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:. .. .1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.". .. .2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.". .. .3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.". .. .4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!". .. .5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.". .. .6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.". .. .7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.". .. .8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.". .. .9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.". .. .10. "Last one off the plane must clean it.". .. .11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.". .. .12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!". .. .13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.". .. .14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?". .. .15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.". .. .16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.". .. .Air Traffic Control Conversations:. .. .17. LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck!. .Tower: It's Tuesday, Sir.. .. .18. Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?". .Pilot: Yes.. .Tower: Yes what??. .Pilot: Yes, SIR!. .. .19. The following conversation took place at Zurich Airport recently; morning; Take-off Runway 28, Landing Runway 16, Alternate 14:. .. .Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short.. .AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28.. .Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off.. .AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks).. .. .30 seconds later:. .Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.. .AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes.. .. .meanwhile; Runway 16 has a 737 with a flat tyre, Runway 14 was very. .busy, so a 767 from Cincinnati was rerouted to land on Runway 28. The. .crew of the 767 had been in the air for 8 hours.. .. .Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2 miles!. .AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds.... .DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll **** you from behind!. .. .AZ194 took of like the space shuttle.... .(Story by Salvatore Baia). .. .20. Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.. .Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice.... .. .21. Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16.. .Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower.. .Pilot: (pause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.. .Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!. .Pilot: (pause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?. .Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna!. .Pilot: (another pause) But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!. .Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.. .. .22. Pilot: ...Tower, please call me a fuel truck.. .Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.. .. .23. Tower: Phantom Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your callsign!. .Pilot: I may be lost but I'm not stupid!. .. .24. Pilot: Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.. .Tower: Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination?. .Pilot: Leipzig, as always on Monday.. .Tower: But today is Tuesday!. .Pilot: What!? We have the day off on Tuesday!. .. .25. Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?. .Pilot: Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot.. .. .26. Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.. .Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345.... .. .27. Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway.. .Pilot: Roger. We'll check the car on the runway.. .. .28. Tower: Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right?. .Pilot: If you mean a 737...?. .Tower: Yeah, you got it, you got it!. .. .29. Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, marshall will park you.. .Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.. .. .30. Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!. .Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!. .. .31. Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?. .Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.. .Tower: Judging by the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!. .. .32. Eggenfelden Info: D-EXXX please report persons aboard.. .D-EXXX (C-172): Pilot and two pax and one dog.. .Eggenfelden Info: (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog?. .. .33. Tower: Height and position please?. .Pilot: Well, I'm six foot and am sitting at the front of the plane on the left hand side.. .. .34. Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via xxxxx after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.. .. .GAF 269: Roger, German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via xxxxx after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.. .. .Tower: Cannot read you, say again!. .. .Pilot: Again!. . . . <small>[ 14 March 2002, 09:55: Message edited by: Justforkix ]</small>