View Full Version : Royal Navy

tony draper
1st Aug 2001, 22:37
Are there folks lurking here perchance, that are now serving or in the past have served in our Royal Navy,??? hmmmm. :rolleyes:

[ 01 August 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]

Send Clowns
2nd Aug 2001, 00:21
Why are you asking, Tony dear boy?

tony draper
2nd Aug 2001, 00:35
Well Mr C, Draper was thinking of posting one of his sea stories, and as one is becoming a little long in the tooth for fisty cuffs,and rolling about brawling,I thought I had better ascertain if the coast was clear first as it were.
One would hate to have to break out the Purdies. :rolleyes:

Gash Handlin
2nd Aug 2001, 01:48
Please tell Mr D, it's always a pleasure to see the fishheads get in a tiz.

tony draper
2nd Aug 2001, 02:31
Ok Mr G,Pease note people, Draper has been forced to post this, he is very relutant to do so and apologises in advance for any grief caused to Royal Naval personel past present or future. :eek:

tony draper
2nd Aug 2001, 02:40
Drapers brother served under the red duster of the british merchant navy,
and it was he who told me this tale origionaly and he is a much more honest man
than his younger brother.
To understand this story you must realise that a great deal of antagonism exists
betwween those of the red duster,the merchant navy, and the grey funnel line, ie the royal navy
most of this stems from the time of our last period of unpleasentness with our german
neighbours when some misunderstandings took place on the russian convoys hmmm
but enough of that.
Draper brother is tied up in portsmouth, his vessel is loading a deck cargo of ice cubes
for zanzibar, this is a tricky cargo and they are stuck there for three weeks.
Tied up at the same quay are three destroyers of the grey funnel line, Drapers brother
and his shipmates spent large amouts of time leaning over the side watching the antics
of the seemingly thousands of matelots that man these destroyers, they seem to be
without number, they swarm over their pretty little ships painting everything grey
and polishing every surface.
There is a great mystery those of the red ensign have never been able to figure out,
how is it that we can take a quarter million ton tanker sail it all the way to venezuala
fill it full of crude and bring it all the way back with a crew of twenty five, when the
royal navy seems to need a crew of at least ninty five men to man even a small
harbour launch.Also there strange coast hugging method of navigation is worth a
mention you rarley see one of these vessels deep sea, they seem to sail always
within site of the beach, only when completly unavoidable do they point their
bow toward the horizon,most merchant navy captains have experienced a cruiser
or battle ship approach their vessels, looking fine a great bone in ther teeth ,only
to pull alongside them and a tearful royal navy captain shout from the wing of the
bridge" I say old chap, can you point me the way to the America's please".
or a even more tearfull ensign sent across in the jolly boat with seventy five
matelots crewing it " I say captain old chap can you draw me a line on our map thingy
from here to plymouth please".
Draper the younger solved this mystery when he came across a wrechedly clad
royal navy officer
begging in the streets of hong kong, for the price of a couple of beers he related that
coastal navigation was prefered because they could always hail someone walking along
the cliff top, or someone sun bathing on the beach, and ask where the f*ck are we
cliff top hikers being prefered as they tended to carry ordinance survey maps.about
their person
Anyway enough of this background
One morning draper brother hears a great commotion coming from the destroyers.
swarms of royal navy sailors spill down the gangplanks and commence to scuffling
on the quayside, there is much hair pulling and slapping and cries of
"ooo, you beast take that"eventually one crew seem to prevail,the rest of the matelots
are scattered
about the weeping and trying to tidy up their pretty little uniforms,
The victorios crew swarm back aboard their vessel and there
is much activity aboard this vessel especialy around the stern
Shortly three hundred matelots appear on the poop a similar number on the bow
and they manage between them to let go the ropes and the vessel puts to sea,
on coast hugging exercise no doubt Drapers brother thinks.
About ten hours later the vessel returns and ties up alongside its two sisters
there is much singing of sea shanties and swaggering among the crew of the
destroyer especialy among the twenty year men for at last they have actualy
got some sea time in, ten hours being regarded as quite a long trip for them
and no doubt most of them will be sporting newly aquired tatoo's of anchors
and ropes and other nautical paraphernalia on various parts of their anatomy in the
morning as they can now regard themselves as real sailors having felt a deck
actually move beneath their feet.
About a week later `these strange events are repeated the fight, the preparing of
the destroyer for sea, the whole sheebang,and even stranger this time the vessel
put to sea going full astern, out thru the piers arse end first she goes, back thru the
piers ten hours later still sternfirst, by now Drapers brothers and his shipmates are
insane with curiosity, so they hatch a plan,
They have noticed that at eleven oclock on the dot forty three matelots are sent
up to the corner shop to purchase a pint of milk, for their cocoa no doubt,
as this is regarded as a strong and dangerous drink by matelots, and all in the royal
Navy are inordinatly fond of it.
So next morning they waylay these seafaring milk seekers, thet offer in the spirit of
comradship and reconciliation to buy these lads a few pints, now it is a known fact
that matelots seldom carry money, so apart from the milk money they are skint and
they leap at this offer.
They retire to the pub and shortly thereafter the matelots are all in a advanced
state of inebriation, for they have al had at least a pint and a half of ale.
then my brothes crew manage to get the truth of the matter.
"Our ships are realy nice boats" lisps the pettyofficer in charge of the milk party,
" We even have some bullets for the cannon thingy on the front end ,and some
of the depth charges for bombing u boats ".
he then collapses with the ale sleep.
The rest of the story they manage to get out of the matelots before they fall asleep
though these are fine new destroyer, and indeed do have amunition and depth
charges and plenty of grey paint, they have only one propellor between the
three of them , the scuffles where to decide who's turn it was to have the
scew for the week.
They had been so keen to get to sea in the second destroyer they had bolted
the screw on back to front, hense the strange full astern voyage, although this was
regarded as such a fine example of seamanship managing to get out side the
piers in this manner that the captain had immediatly been promoted to admiral
and he was one of the one hundred and three other admirals in charge of two
toy aircraft carriers the royal navy own.
Drapers brother and his crew looked at the sleeping matelots and wondered
how they where going to get them to wake up, then one of them had a brainwave,
they tiptoed out of the bar, then my brother stuck his head back thru the door and
shrieked, " THE TIRPITZ IS OUT, THE TIRPITZ IS OUT"and as he said he had never
seen matelots run so fast.
So there that is Drapers brothers sea story, they eventualy sailed and managed
to deliver most of the ice cubes to zanzibar. ;)

Capt Vegemite
2nd Aug 2001, 07:47
Aye..aye..I'll drink to that!

Toasts of the week

Monday: Our ships at sea
Tuesday: Our men
Wednesday: Ourselves (since no-one else will think of us)
Thursday: A bloody war or a sickly season (and quick promotion)
Friday: A willing foe and searoom
Saturday: Sweethearts and wives (may they never meet)
Sunday: Absent friends


2nd Aug 2001, 10:11
One thing puzzles me draper old sod, why were you worried about telling the tale?

Surely Andrew couldn't take offence at that?

Through difficulties to the cinema

tony draper
2nd Aug 2001, 12:41
Draper once made the mistake of posting this on another forum Mr B,ones very life was threatened by irrate persons in bell bottomed kecks.
Contracts were taken out, anyone owning a tatoo of a anchor with the words mum beneath it was encouraged by their Lordships to seek one out and do wet work on one. :eek:

Biggles Flies Undone
2nd Aug 2001, 14:32
You'd better be careful, Tony, or they'll be sending you back to the Big Place again..... :D

tony draper
2nd Aug 2001, 14:57
Good oh, Mr B,it aint a real ship unless it has the good old Red Duster hanging at the arse end.

Send Clowns
2nd Aug 2001, 21:32
I've no problem with the story Mr D :D

SC (formerly Lt Send Clowns, RN)

Tricky Woo
2nd Aug 2001, 22:35
Herr Draper,

A most excellent anecdote. And to think that Britannia once ruled the waves...


2nd Aug 2001, 23:10
A well spun ditty TD. But how unusual, the merch taking ice cubes to Zanzibar: I more often saw them Milling Aorund Aimlessley, but pretending to take bananas to Somewhere.

And TW, it was precisely because of all this that Britannia Ruled the Waves: no one else dared venture out whilst us Fish'eds were Doing Manoevres on the High Seas. And what fun it was.

S/Lt Firestorm RN(Retd). ;) :D

tony draper
3rd Aug 2001, 00:36
Very nearly got shanghighed onto the old fleet auxillary OLNA once, the well named {OH LORD NEVER AGAIN), but fortunatly managed to wriggle out of it.
Strange vessels then, Royal navy officers but merchant navy crews, led to all sorts of chaos, apparently the offiers expected to be called sir, not being aware that nobody in the merchant navy is called by that title,the Captain is called captain, the Mate mister , the chief engineer, chief and so on,
Can't verify this, because I never sailed on her.
I believe the big passenger liners practiced bullshit , but then they aren't real ships.
Strange thing, I delivered some computer monitors to the OLNA only a few years ago, can't be the same ship I knew from the early sixties surely, great to get that smell like crude oil in my nostrils again, loverly smell that.

[ 02 August 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]