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Dagger Dirk
11th Mar 2002, 14:58
WHO ARE THE BEST LAW ENFORCERS... . .. .In America the LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all asked to prove that they were capable of apprehending the terrorists. The President George W decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it. . .. .The CIA goes in. They place animal informants thoughout the forest. They question all the plant and material witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. . .. .The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they fire-bomb the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. . .. .The LAPD go in. They come out after two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." . .. . . .. .Little Johnny Howard , the Australian Prime Minister , hears about this and decides to test Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the Stromlo forest outside Canberra. . .. .The Victorian Police go in. They return after 15 minutes with a koala, a kangaroo, and a tree fern, all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we had to act in self-defence" is their explanation. . .. .The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top - ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds. . .. .The QLD Police go in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values. . .. .The National Crime Authority couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise that if they are given a budget increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime. . .. .The WA Police went into the forest and caught the white rabbit, but the rabbit inexplicably hung itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of coffee. . .. .The NT and SA police join forces to beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble. A video-tape (labelled Lupine Holocaust) of the wascally white wabbit collaborating with officers by pointing out ghetto burrows, has been lost by the NT Forensics Team. . .. .The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. They examine the issues, particularly cost, and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organisation as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation. . .. .ASIO goes into the wrong forest. Some under-cover agents are claimed to be "lost" in the line of duty - and large compensation claims are reportedly being filed (anonymously) by their families.. .. .ASIS, who reportedly have their covert HQ complex in the Stromlo Forest (and cunningly concealed beneath an overlying marijuana plantation), could not be contacted, although many messages were left on their faxes and answer machines. An ex-agent for the Australian Spy Agency said: "You'd be lucky to find anyone at home - even if you could locate the trap-door. This time of year the plants aren't ready for harvesting and they've got the usual fiscal year problems of not under-spending their budget allocation and then putting together a solid case for their next year's funding and expansion. They'll all be up at the various Club Meds with their ears to the ground for Al Qaeda. Anyway they're just not into Humint or Rabbint any more. They spend most of their time inventing new devices and planting them around overseas embassies. Biggest problem I found was remembering where you put the blasted things. You have to change the batteries you know. Don't believe that crap about the Energizer Bunny. Those batteries die faster than a politician's brain-cells. The best bet for catching this white bunny is to go out into the forest, put one ear to the ground and ring this number on your cell-phone. You'll either hear all the ASIS phones ringing underground - or the bunny will answer. If he's smart he'll be down there in the ASIS HQ living it up. He'll know where to contact them, he's nobody's bunny. You just won't catch him on the hop.". .. .The Australian Defence Force are called in to rectify the mess as media rumours are flying that the rabbit is actually an illegal quarantinable importation. The Federal Health Minister is now mounting a public myxomatosis awareness campaign because of media hysteria about a possible rabbit plague and Al Qaeda connections. Before a Senate Select Committee many months later, the Chief of Defence Force Staff admits that he'd thought it to have been a hare-brained scheme dreamt up by the Chief of the Air Staff in order to embarrass him....... so he had necessarily economised by internally conducting a simulated operation on paper only. But he claimed that, upon analysis, the operation had proven to be a very worthwhile test of the ADF's capabilities and overall a great success with many lessons learnt - particularly in the areas of conservation, fauna protection and land management. No damage at all had been done in the Stromlo Forest CDFS proclaimed proudly. Defence had the photos to prove it. He produced large format glossy colour photos of the Defence Communications Centre processing the vast amounts of exercise message traffic and the HQ ADF Operations Officer filing this late into the night. Asked to explain why such a simple exercise had generated such vast amounts of tree-killing paperwork, the Admiral had to admit that the simulation computers tended to have a mind of their own and that they were looking into this aspect with the civil contractors responsible for running the Def Dept's battle computers. However initial indications were that much of the extraneous paper consisted of "nil return" intelligence report print-outs from the various internal and allied Defence Intelligence Agencies - in addition to the Defence Signals Directorate's automated Echelon satellite interface. . .. .The Chief of Air Force Staff (Air Vice-Marshal Sir Angus Houston) inquired as to when he might have another TV interview in order to explain his position and possible recollections. Sources said the inference was that AVM Houston felt that the RAAF had been intentionally embarrassed by the decision to run the operation over a weekend without the required three week's notice. Despite this imposition, he claimed that the RAAF had been able to mount a viable response at short notice the following week. However, because of misinformation (or perhaps disinformation) the RAAF had actually flown round-the-clock tanker and AWACS-supported airborne F/A18 patrols up and down the 4500kms of the WA North-South rabbit-proof fence at great expense. There were also rumours that the Jindalee over-the horizon radar had been divert-tasked to detect incursions along the fence and that this had resulted in many false alarms. AVM Houston informed the bemused Senators that an RAAF Corporal Acting Duty Officer in the HQADF Command Post had been stood down over the matter. An inquiry had begun into his possible misreading of an annexe to the classified Operations Order launching Operation Wabbit, the possibility being that he had both infringed his security clearance and exceeded his reading skills accreditation. AVM Houston stated that his Chief of Staff was personally burrowing into the vast piles of paperwork and he hoped to have a preliminary Report by Dec 2002. An Opposition Senator wryly remarked that the whole Def Dept machinery was one giant rabbit warren that urgently needed the attention of a fox supported by weasels, stoats and ferrets. Both the Inquiry and ADF was adjourned to a date to be fixed. . .. .During Question Time the Prime Minister deflected an opposition Defence Spokesperson's question about the fiasco by pointing out how such unnecessary expense would be avoided in future by the ADF's new Global Challenger surveillance capability. Asked if he meant to say the "Global Hawk" RPV system, the PM answered that a new contracted-out defence capabilities analysis had found that a Defence costings study had recently established that the even newer Global Challenger balloon surveillance system would be much cheaper to acquire and operate. It would also free funds for the new VIP aircraft fleet. Although this new spy-balloon concept had only just been floated by Defence, it immediately drew approbation from both sides of the House - no doubt the over-ambitious Collins Class submarine fiasco being still fresh in many minds.. A Defence Source who wished not to be identified, admitted that a colleague in the RAAF's Air Power Studies Centre, studying new concepts in Air-power in World War 1, had been inspired by early lithographs of a similar device used by Allied forces to target for artillery. He envisioned the Global Challenger being filled by the hot air emanating from Parliament House and claimed that studies showed that it would have the required range (Stromlo Forest and return - if the winds were favourable).. .. . . .. .ASIO = Australian Security Intelligence Organisation (internal security). .. .ASIS = Australian Security Intelligence Service (overseas spying)

con-pilot
12th Mar 2002, 12:12
I am glad that I was with the United States Marshal Service.. .. .All we would have done was the following.. .. .Mr. Rabbit, you are now a duck. Learn how to quack!. .. .Witness protection program you know.. . . . <small>[ 12 March 2002, 07:17: Message edited by: con-pilot ]</small>

UNCTUOUS
13th Feb 2003, 06:27
Funny enough. Back to the top.